Bring me to life
Save me
One text, that's all that is needed. I know I can count on him when I can't count on myself. Those three words will let him know everything that he needs to know. I press send quickly before I change my mind and those three words are quickly sent to his phone.
'Please stop me'
My hand goes slack and the phone drops to the floor with a clash. My ragged breath is the only sound in the dim room as I grip the knife harder in my hand. I'm so close I can feel it. I know exactly how it would feel if that knife sliced open my skin and I'm almost there. I can do it right now but the fact that I was able to send that text holds me back. I'm right at the edge but I'm not over it.
I feel my chest cramping and my breathing is getting more erratic and strained. It hurts so badly and if I just cut a little bit it would ease up.. It would ease up so much if I just cut once or twice. But no.. I resist it because I have to, because I know I'll regret it. I always do.
I hear it then. The key in the lock.. I gave him a key for times like this. It's sad really that he's already used it more than once. I hate doing this to him. I hear him walk through the hallway and race up the stairs. He knows exactly where I am. He throws open my door and flies to my side quickly. He grabs my free hand and only then do I realise that I'm shaking violently.
"Baby please.. give me the knife." I can hear he's upset. I don't move.. I can't.
"Baby c'mon.. it's ok." He moves his other hand to gently wrap around my hand.. the hand that is clenched around the knife. He strokes his fingers along my fingers slowly, he sothes me with the slow movements and I'm starting to slowly relax.
"It's ok.. please just.. just give me the knife." He moves to face me and the sight of his eyes has me shivering and I look away. I relax my hands some more and he quickly snatches the knife away from me and throws it away.
I relax some more and almost start quivering as everything from tonight just crashes through me. I almost did it. I was so close but he's here saving me as always and I feel so bad because.. because I depend on him so much and it's not fair. I can't even take care of myself and I feel so miserable so I just break down.
He catches me as I collapse and I just cry into his arms as he strokes my hair and nuzzle my neck gently.
"It's ok honey. It's ok.. I got you. It's ok." He keeps whispering these things to me and it helps a little for now. It takes a while but I do manage to calm down. He moves us carefully so he can sit down on the couch in my room and pull me into his arms. He's so amazing and I don't understand how he deals with this. How doesn't he just walk away?
"I'm sorry." I say after a while because I feel like I need to tell him that. Like I need him to know that I feel horrible for completely ruining his life.
"Don't say that. I don't want you to be sorry.. I just want you to be ok." He sounds so upset so I sit up straight and turn around to face him. He has shiny eyes and a frown on his face and it break my heart everytime. What am I doing?
"I hate what I'm doing to you." I whisper slowly but he just moves closer and take my hands in his gently.
"You're not doing anything to me baby. I love you." He says softly as he looks into my eyes and for a second it feels so intense.. so true.
"I just hate that I.. I upset you and I put this huge pressure on you to always rescue me." I'm geting upset again and a few tears fall from my eyes. He moves closer and kisses my forehead gently.
"I'm always gonna rescue you baby.. As long as you need me to. Not because I feel pressured but because I love you. I don't want to lose you." He says this with tears streaming down his face as well before putting our foreheads together. I close my eyes and just feel him there with me. His hands in mine and his warm body near mine.
"I love you too." I whisper and he quickly pulls me into a tight embrace. "Good." He whispers and I actually smile a small smile as he lays back on the couch slightly with me in his arms. I know I can't always count on him to save me but for now I'm so grateful that he does.
'Please stop me'
My hand goes slack and the phone drops to the floor with a clash. My ragged breath is the only sound in the dim room as I grip the knife harder in my hand. I'm so close I can feel it. I know exactly how it would feel if that knife sliced open my skin and I'm almost there. I can do it right now but the fact that I was able to send that text holds me back. I'm right at the edge but I'm not over it.
I feel my chest cramping and my breathing is getting more erratic and strained. It hurts so badly and if I just cut a little bit it would ease up.. It would ease up so much if I just cut once or twice. But no.. I resist it because I have to, because I know I'll regret it. I always do.
I hear it then. The key in the lock.. I gave him a key for times like this. It's sad really that he's already used it more than once. I hate doing this to him. I hear him walk through the hallway and race up the stairs. He knows exactly where I am. He throws open my door and flies to my side quickly. He grabs my free hand and only then do I realise that I'm shaking violently.
"Baby please.. give me the knife." I can hear he's upset. I don't move.. I can't.
"Baby c'mon.. it's ok." He moves his other hand to gently wrap around my hand.. the hand that is clenched around the knife. He strokes his fingers along my fingers slowly, he sothes me with the slow movements and I'm starting to slowly relax.
"It's ok.. please just.. just give me the knife." He moves to face me and the sight of his eyes has me shivering and I look away. I relax my hands some more and he quickly snatches the knife away from me and throws it away.
I relax some more and almost start quivering as everything from tonight just crashes through me. I almost did it. I was so close but he's here saving me as always and I feel so bad because.. because I depend on him so much and it's not fair. I can't even take care of myself and I feel so miserable so I just break down.
He catches me as I collapse and I just cry into his arms as he strokes my hair and nuzzle my neck gently.
"It's ok honey. It's ok.. I got you. It's ok." He keeps whispering these things to me and it helps a little for now. It takes a while but I do manage to calm down. He moves us carefully so he can sit down on the couch in my room and pull me into his arms. He's so amazing and I don't understand how he deals with this. How doesn't he just walk away?
"I'm sorry." I say after a while because I feel like I need to tell him that. Like I need him to know that I feel horrible for completely ruining his life.
"Don't say that. I don't want you to be sorry.. I just want you to be ok." He sounds so upset so I sit up straight and turn around to face him. He has shiny eyes and a frown on his face and it break my heart everytime. What am I doing?
"I hate what I'm doing to you." I whisper slowly but he just moves closer and take my hands in his gently.
"You're not doing anything to me baby. I love you." He says softly as he looks into my eyes and for a second it feels so intense.. so true.
"I just hate that I.. I upset you and I put this huge pressure on you to always rescue me." I'm geting upset again and a few tears fall from my eyes. He moves closer and kisses my forehead gently.
"I'm always gonna rescue you baby.. As long as you need me to. Not because I feel pressured but because I love you. I don't want to lose you." He says this with tears streaming down his face as well before putting our foreheads together. I close my eyes and just feel him there with me. His hands in mine and his warm body near mine.
"I love you too." I whisper and he quickly pulls me into a tight embrace. "Good." He whispers and I actually smile a small smile as he lays back on the couch slightly with me in his arms. I know I can't always count on him to save me but for now I'm so grateful that he does.
♠ ♠ ♠
I wrote this on a very bad night. I always used my pain to write and this was an extremely bad night. I was alone and it was late and this is exactly what I wanted to happen. So I wrote about it instead. It felt pretty fucking good ^^I hope someone likes it and doesn't find it too awful or badly written. It's the first original story I ever wrote and still to this day I feel proud about it. What do you think?