Inability To Love, (You've Had Me On My Knees Before.)

It had been a week since Jaxon had kicked Hollie out of their home, since their lives were spun on their heads, a whole seven days since Hollie had seen or heard from the man she'd not been apart from in three years. Gods how she missed him.

She missed his crooked smile and boring blue ties, missed the way he'd constantly wear Hollie's obscure band tshirts, (that she brought in his size simply for that reason) when he had no idea who the hell they were, she missed waking up to strong golden arms wrapped around her waist making her feel safe and loved.
She missed eating burnt toast, the butter and marmalade mixed in their jars because washing up two knives was too much hard work.
She missed Jaxons amazing coffee and wearing his too big hoodies and stealing his slippers after he'd taken them off leaving them nice and warm for her icy feet.
She missed being forced to watch crappy football and in turn having to force Jaxon into watching Doctor Who, he always pretended not to love it until he would forget to pretend and would shout at the telly whenever Rory was killed or the Doctor would lie.

Hollie missed the text messages she always got when she was out just a little too long, whether she was late from work or drinking at the bar, the way he'd call her 'Sweetheart' when she would finally clamber into their bed.
She missed arguing over what was for dinner until they were both blue in the face before they ended up ordering in mexican food even though neither of them really liked it but it reminded them of their first holiday together so they would eat it anyway and reminise and the fight would be instantly forgotten.
She missed how, after sex Jaxon would always whisper "I love you," into her skin like a prayer, worshiping every ivory inch and how the next morning she would pretend to still be asleep when he tried to wake her with soft touches and dry lips pressing down her spine.

The longer she was forced to stay away the more she couldnt remember why she thought sleeping with Caleb was such a good idea, she could no longer remember her reasoning behind it. Sure, Hollie loved Caleb, had loved him since they were eleven and scrawny and they decided to climb trees and make horses out of cardboard boxes. Caleb always playing the Knight in shining armour and Hollie the court sorceror or the princess in distress depending on her mood.

He'd been there all of her life, whenever she needed him without fail, like when her dad had died when she was seventeen and Caleb had carried her out of the hospital, driven her home and then spent almost two weeks sharing her bed, waking her from the clutches of her nightmares, cooking her chicken soup and making cups of tea for her grieving mother.

He'd been there when Hollie tried to climb a tree in his back yard, he picked her up when she fell and broke her arm in three places.

He'd been there the night she lost her virginity to a nerdy boy with beautiful brown eyes before proceeding to freak out because he hadnt 'done' it for her and 'ohmygodCalebithinkimgay', he had then proved to her how very straight she actually was.

He'd been there through every cheating asshole she dated, every romance gone wrong, every bad test mark and every time inbetween when Hollie was heartbroken or devestatingly happy.

He'd been there when Jaxon had asked her out and she had been too afraid of commitment to agree.

He'd been there when Jaxon had told Hollie he loved her and she didnt know how to say it back.

He'd been there through everything, a pillar of strength, her best friend, her brother and recently a lover. Everything was simple and comfortable, they knew eachother like the back of their hands and yet...

He wasnt Jaxon.

The revelation hit her like a brick to the face.

He wasnt Jaxon. Caleb wasnt Jaxon.

Hollie loved Caleb, she loved every tiny damaged piece of the irish man who'd always been there, but... Caleb wasnt Jaxon, and Hollie, well Hollie was IN love with Jaxon.

'Oh my god i'm in love with Jaxon!" Saying it aloud made it real, made her heart swell, made her want to tell everyone she'd ever meet.

She was in love with Jaxon. In love with the way he spoke and thought and held things and hid things and joked and smiled and laughed with his head thrown back, charming everyone without even knowing it.

Thats why she had said yes when he asked her out after she'd sworn off of men.

Thats why they'd gone abroad for a whole month, just the two of them and their backpacks even though Hollie hated flying which, during the ten hour flight, had been down graded to 'Hollie hates flying without Jaxon'.

That was why they'd moved in with eachother and shared bills and sent out joint christmas cards and knew eachothers families and friends as if they were their own, and why they knew which mugs eachother prefered and how they took their tea and that Jaxon liked to sleep on the right side of the bed and thought that 'Bill and Ted's excellent advernture' was the best film ever made.

Hollie had fallen for him the moment she'd crashed her car into his and the sun had hit him just right making him look like a golden king from tales of old wearing tight black jeans and his worn out leather jacket. She had always been in love with Jaxon, she was just too fucking stupid to see it.

And now..?

The happiness in her chest deflated, twisting her heart in an iron grip.

Well, now she'd fucked everything up, now she'd lost it, lost it before she had even realized she had it. Lost it before she'd even had the chance to tell him what he'd wanted to hear for so, so long.

It was the way Hollie did things, screwed them up because she was afraid to feel anything she didnt understand, she knew Caleb like the back of her hand, he easy, safe, predictable.

She knew Jaxon like she knew herself, constantly switching and changing and confusing and terrifying.

The most spectacular thing she'd ever had and she'd just thrown it away.

'Shit,

how the hell am I gonna make this right?'