Inability To Love, (You've Had Me On My Knees Before.)

There was cardboard box on Jaxon's doorstep when he got home that night, taped up like a toddler had wrapped it.

It was about a foot long and a foot deep, dark brown with no writing on it, Jaxon shrugged, picked it up and brough it inside, his curiousity spiked. He dropped it on the kitchen table and headed to his house phone, "Huh that's weird," There were no new messages and it was well past the time Hollie normally rung him, she hadnt texted him all day either.

The thought made him realise that even when they're broken up theyre still together. It wasnt healthy and Jaxon cant move on if hes constantly waiting for her to call or text or leave him coffee. Cant move on if hes still hung up on his ex.

Jaxon was mad at Hollie, heartbroken, he'd been made a fool of and now they were over. Period.

He sighs, rubbing at his temples and flopping on to a kitchen stool to start unwrapping the mysterious box.

He thinks its probably from Gwen or Katie, home made cookies or the body of an innocent his sister needs to hide.

It takes him about ten minutes to get all the sticky tape off and when he finally opens it he doesnt quite know how to react.

There seems to be six items in total; the first thing he takes out is a tshirt, he recognizes it straight away, doesnt even need to unfold it to know its old and faded with a hole just underneath the collar and that it used to be black but was now more of a dirty gray with the logo for 'The Smiths' slowly coming off bit by bit.

It was Jaxon's favourite tshirt but it wasnt his, it was Hollie's, had belonged to her dad long before she'd even met Jaxon.

The first time they had ever had sex Jaxon had slept in it (because his had been destoryed when theyd rolled down the hill by Hollies house) and she had let him, she loved Jaxon wearing it as much as he loved to wear it. It was one of the only things Hollie had of her dad, and now she was giving it to him, it said more then Jaxon thought he could handle.

The second thing he pulled out of the box was a clear jewelled cd case, scrawled on the disk in Hollie's spikey handwriting were the lyrics:

'I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes, these soles are useless without you, through hell for you, let the torturing ensue, my soul is useless without you'.

Jaxon chuckled softly, running his thumb over the lyrics to their song. Another obscure band that he'd never heard of before Hollie yet the song just seemed to fit. One day when they were laying in bed listening to music it came on her itunes and Jaxon had declaired it their song. Their own personal anthem.

He smiled and placed it on top of the tshirt before dragging the third item from the box; a bottle of tequila. Jaxon grinned. The amount of tequila they drank in Mexico was probably illegal, it was stupid too because they both hated it, just like mexican food, yet it was one of those things that just kind of stuck, just like ordering tacos when they were arguing or making eachother hot chocolate when they were sad or bacon and sausage sandwiches when the other was ill, it was a tradition and it reminded them of the best times.

He put the bottle to one side pulling out the next item his heart jack-rabbiting in his chest as he recognized the photo that used to be hung up on their living room wall before Hollie cheated and Jaxon smashed the frame it was hung in. It had been reframed now though, a posh matte silver one with plastic in it instead of glass, Arthur smirked at the hidden meaning, plastic was harder to smash. There was an ornate 'J & H' carved into the top righthand corner which made his stomach uncomfortable. This woman had destroyed their lives and broken his heart and now she was trying to climb back in. Jaxon wasnt sure he could let her.

He pressed the photoframe onto the table face down before picking out the fifth item which turned out to be a book, Crush by Richard Siken. Jaxon frowned slightly having never heard of the guy and opened the front page. Ahh, there was Hollie's handwriting again.

J-

I've been having trouble putting things into words my whole life, this guys seems to have done it for me.

Ive highlighted the parts I want you to read.

Im still being a coward.

-H x

Confused, he starts to flick through the pages, pausing at anything thats highlighted, there are five paragraphs in total.

"In these dreams its always you:
The boy in the sweatshirt,
The boy on the bridge, the boy who always keeps me from jumping off the bridge."

"Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.
These, our bodies, possessed by light.
Tell me we ll never get used to it."

"I woke up in the morning and I didnt want anything, didnt do anything, couldnt do it anyway, just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything."

"We make a cathedral, him pressing against me, his lips at my neck, and yes, I do believe his mouth is heaven, his kisses falling over me like stars."

"Youre in a car with a beautiful boy, and he wont tell you that he loves you, but he loves you and you feel like youve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store,or swallowed pills,or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and youre in a car with a beautiful boy, and youre trying not to tell him that you love him, and youre trying to choke down the feeling, and youre trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no wards exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like youve discovered something you dont even have a name for."

Its the last paragraph that has Jaxon gasping for air like a drowning man, if it meant what he thought it did, then was Hollie trying to say that she loved him? Jaxon had been dying to hear those words for four years but she had always chickened out, always said she didnt understand them, didnt feel, couldnt say them. She was too damaged to say them.

Jaxon twisted the cap on the tequila causing it to squeak before coming free, the bitter liquid burnt its way down his throat but somehow made him feel slightly better even if it did unsettle his stomach.

He reached in and pulled out the final item, a plain white envelope. Inside sat an invitation they had received months ago.

'Ms Hollie Emrys & Jaxon W Henderson

You are cordially invited to the marital joining of;

Guinevere Louise Smith

To

Lance Steven Owens,

on June 4th at Crystal Lake Gardens.'

Attached to the invitation is, of course, a postit note.

J-

Please do me the honor of being my plus one.

There's noone else i could ever consider going with.

Its you,

-H x

Jaxon took a deep breath letting the invite fall to the table. June fourth, that left a week for him to make his choice. A week to decided whether he could open himself up to the woman that broke him in the first place... He shook his head and reached for the tequila, he needed another drink.