Breaking Down The Walls

105 lbs, the petite redheaded teenager acknowledges, satisfied as she steps off of the scale in her small bathroom. She was making progress. Just 15 more pounds to go until you’re perfect. Desiree does this a lot, giving herself mental encouragement. There have been times when she thought she’d never live to see the day where her plan finally worked. Her stomach fought her at first, clinging to any fat cells that it could in the hopes of staying full. But Desiree finally beat it. She gazes into the mirror, visibly unhappy with what she sees. Have my legs always been like this? She pokes and squeezes at her non-existent fat. But to her, it’s very real. Very real indeed. Dysmorphia was undeniably cruel. The mental disorder caused Desiree to see herself as though she were 205 pounds, which, at 5’ 3”, would be extremely overweight. But she’s not. She’s even underweight for her height and body type, as she’s been told over and over again. Desiree is not happy with this, though. Why do they keep lying? Why do they all want me to stay fat? She touches her hips, sighing when she believes that she feels love handles. Tears well up in her sparkling blue eyes, and she rapidly blinks them away. Damnit. She feels weak now. Crying shows weakness, in Desiree’s mind, and she needs to get rid of all her flaws before she can become infallible, perfect. And it’s all for him. He’ll want me when I’m perfect, she reassures herself. When I’m not fat. He’ll be able to pick me up and swing me around. I’ll be able to sit on his lap without worrying about crushing him. I won’t be ashamed of my body when I am with him. The boy she is referring to is named William Mulroy. They both attend Dulaney High, and they are in the same advisory. Unfortunately for Desiree, he has a beautiful, slender girlfriend named Cassandra O’Connor. And she hates Cassandra for being everything she’s not, hates that William is blinded by her good looks and doesn’t even notice Desiree, will never notice her. Not until I’m thin. She knows that she will never be as pretty as Cassandra, can never be as funny, nice, or smart as she is. The only thing Desiree is determined to beat her at is weight. I’ll be skinnier than she is. Then William will love me. When I’m not fat, people will like me. She repeats this often, as if reminding herself that it’ll all be worth it in the end.

“Desiree, are you almost ready?” Her irate mother calls for the second time. “You’re going to be late for school if you don’t hurry up.”

“Coming!” She answers, keeping her voice breezy so her mother won’t hear how emotional she is. Desiree quickly slips on a pair of grey skinnies (size 2) and a Three Doors Down shirt (size small). She walks hastily to her bedroom, running a comb through her short straightened reddish-orange hair, applying black mascara, and finally slipping on a pair of worn black Converse before heading out the door. Let’s get today over with.

At school, Desiree is quiet and speaks to no one. She has no friends, not since she moved from New York City to Baltimore, Maryland. She can tell her classmates are judging her, but she barely minds at this point. She’s used to it. When advisory rolls around, Desiree sits on her little barstool and watches as William strokes Cassandra’s hair, his warm brown eyes meeting her brilliant blue ones. She listens as William tells Cassandra that he loves her, that he always will, that nothing and no one could ever tear them apart. As Desiree slowly dies inside, she shifts her gaze, observing everyone else in the room. There’s energetic Lisa Ruocco, a peppy, tan blonde. There’s Jack Barakat, a gawky, adorable boy who has half of his hair dyed blonde, the other half black. There’s Rian Dawson, smiling at something Jack said and self-consciously covering his braces. There’s Lauren Barnas, a girl who Desiree desperately wants to befriend, but has no idea how to approach her. And then there’s Alex Gaskarth, wearing a black beanie and fiddling with his light brown fringe, giving her a strange look. Desiree realizes she’d been staring and hastily looks away, flushing furiously out of embarrassment. You fucking idiot. The bell rings only moments later, and she leaps to her feet, not-so-accidentally hip-checking Cassandra into the door frame. Desiree hurries on. She really can’t afford to miss Geometry. Not again.

“Sit down,” Mrs. Kane barks at her as she walks into the classroom, head down low. Her chest is starting to tighten up, and her breathing is becoming labored. Desiree hates being yelled at, especially in front of her peers. She isn’t fond of being the center of attention. No, she leaves that to the orange coloured girls who have their faces caked with makeup and a new boyfriend every other week. Desiree is content to simply just be. But for now, she has to face school and society, until she can finally graduate and go to online college, because honestly, people terrify her.

“Sorry,” she mutters, sliding into a desk and dropping her textbook onto the wooden surface with a resounding thud. Ms. Kane just rolls her eyes and continues to teaching the class about tangents. Jack Barakat is in this class, she notices, as he diligently scribbles down notes. Huh. Desiree hadn’t known Jack cared about his grades. She figured he was the typical class clown, failing every class but not caring because of his social standing. Guess I was wrong. Desiree slowly scrawls a page of sloppily written notes. Math never was and never would be something she was decent at. A torturous hour later, the bell rang, and she jumped out of her seat, running for the door. Finally. She could go home.