My Life

July 16th, 2007. The date I had been dreading for the past five months. This was the day I was to report down to Children’s hospital in Seattle for spinal surgery for the correction of severe scoliosis by having two titanium rods placed on either side of my spine. When I woke up that morning, all my mind could think about was how was this going to affect me after it was over with. Nerves ate my insides during the hour long car ride to Children’s, my mind was working a hundred miles an hour to keep me from thinking about the intense pain and misery that was soon to come. After we checked in at the surgery desk, we went back and waited in a room for the time that I knew we were all dreading severely. The time came when the nurses that would be assisting in my surgery came to my room and told me it was time. My mind immediately went into overdrive over how things would be in 3-4 hours. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was trying to calm my mind and tell myself I would be okay.
I don’t know what time it was when I woke up nor did I care at that point. All I could think about was the searing pain that engulfed my body at that moment. My back felt like a thousand knives had been stabbed into it at once, not giving me a chance to relax or breathe really. Tears were pouring from my eyes as the pain continued to overtake my body, and at one point I did not think I would be able to handle it. The overwhelming sensations of pain, fear, and nervousness coursed through my body eating me alive at that point, which kept the tears falling at a steady pace, knowing that had I not done what I just did, I would probably not be here today. Lying in the hospital room, I could not find a comfortable position for the life of me. Each way I turned, pain just overtook the need for comfort and I was left uncomfortable and wishing for the pain to leave me alone. The day after my surgery the doctors came and told me I had to wear a back brace so that way the rods in my back wouldn’t shift and the scars, bones, and muscles in my back could heal after the trauma they received. I could barely make it through wearing the back brace for 5 minutes, yet when I went home they wanted me to wear it full time. I had no idea how I was going to accomplish that when the time came. Fast forward 4 years and the past every 6 months I had multiple surgeries taking over my Spring breaks, midwinter breaks, and summer vacations, making the things I could do very limited. Now, 7-8 months ago, I go through the same thing, except the rods I previously had in my back were removed and permanent rods were put in and fused to my spine. Although, this time we knew what to expect with pain and everything, so we made sure that my pain would be under control this time compared to my very first time.
These surgeries have impacted my life incredibly. I went from being an outgoing girl who would do anything and everything, to being more of a conservative, self-conscious, and shy girl. Overall, these surgeries have changed me as a person both physically and mentally. Most people my age wouldn’t be able to have done what I did if they had to. I had to receive special treatments in school because I couldn’t do the PE courses and when I did they had to be tailored to my specific needs. But that wasn’t the hard part, the hard part was wearing a back brace 24/7 for the first three months of sixth grade, causing everybody to look at me differently and question me about it.
I always wondered why me, why should I have to go through all this pain and suffering, why should my family have to worry about whether I live or die from not going through with these surgeries. I still don’t know why it was me, but I do know that I wouldn’t have gone through it had it wasn’t sure that I could handle it. My parents always told me to be comfortable with being me, and to not be who everybody else wanted me to be. These surgeries showed me just how much this is true. I was always afraid that people would make fun of me or talk bad about me behind my back after going through these surgeries, I eventually had to learn to not let that affect me and to be myself and not worry about what others think of me. Just as long as I thought highly of myself I knew I would be fine.