Status: started 6:00 may 10th

How Things Go From Bad to Worse

Chapter 5

I thought long and hard. I promised myself i would never go back to anything like that again. I tried my hardest not to just run away , because it never works if you run from the problem. I running in my mind. I closed myself away from everyone , I just couldn't help but thing to myself 'I'm a loser... No one wants a loser as a child or a girlfriend. No other parents wants their child 'hang' with a loser' . To me I was nothing but my parents didn't seem to realize this hole I fell into. They almost paid no attention to me - which didn't help me out of my hole.

A few weeks after Shymiyah's death my little half brother had a camping trip in south Georgia. I decided to go , because just maybe I could flee from my problems at home. I was still grieving over his death and cried time to time thinking of his last words. It got to be late and I was tired because I spent my day walking alone through the lush trees and spending some time sitting on a small rock next to the lake line with my feet in the water. So I got back to the camp site and all the little boy scouts were chasing each other and playing not knowing why it looks like I was crying. I was asked plenty of times" Are you OK?" or " Do we need to talk?" my answers were like" Yeah , hahahaha I'm fine just hard times". I went to my mom from whom I just wanted a hug from. She was standing next to the fire just observing and enjoying the nice out doors. She snatched her head at me because she heard the leaves crackling under my feet, she knew someone was coming. She smiled , I immediately felt some relief. She said " Hey baby girl" with a smile on her face I came up behind her and hugged her around the neck. She put her soft hands on my arms and gently rubbed my arm with her thumb. A few moments passed and I was feeling much better. She then asked me" You OK? I know how hard it is baby just say a prayer" it was so beautiful that a tear ran down my face and I sniffed to keep my nose from running. The she unwrapped my arms from around her and looked at me with a blank face. She raised her voice and said

"Look Arielle! I know its hard and all but we are here for your brother Jake! And if you can't toughen up then you need to go back home tomorrow."

I looked at her with a disgusting look
"You know what !Fucking screw you! You have no idea what I'm going through and if you can't help me then FUCK OFF! I don't need you anyways! "

I busted into tears and sat down on the ground I could tell she was still there. She was staring at me so hard she was burning a hole through me. I crossed my legs and put my hands on my face with my elbows on my knees. I heard her sniffle and looked up with tears running down my face. She was looking away with her body towards me , she had her mouth covered and her eyes closed tightly and a tear ran down her cheek.

She squatted down next to me still crying. I got on my knees as if I was getting up to leave again. She grabbed my hand and said "Stop." very gently. She looked at me and said "Yes,but I do know... I know what your going through , and its okay to be mad or confused. I understand you may think I don't but I do ! I really ,really do!" She chuckled " You are your fathers daughter." I sat down next to her and she started crying " You didn't come with a manual you know. I had to learn with my own experiences. There was a boy I dated in high school , besides your dad he was amazing and I was in love with him. He was the perfect gentleman . He grew up on a farm like most of us in San Angelo did. One day I realized we were dead. Nothing exciting was happening and we grew apart after 6 months. I swore I loved him but maybe we just needed a break but I still had strong feeling for him. I thought I'd never learn to love anyone else. Well one morning, 3 months later, his face was all over the news. He died." She burst into tears and so did I. I hugged her , and repeatedly said "SHH its OK.. Its gonna be alright" she started talking again she cried" He was plowing the f-f-fields a-and his tractor when no faster than 2 miles an hour a-a-an-an" there was a long pause of sobs and she said "and he fell off the tractor and was run over by the tire somehow!!!!"

It then hit me. I'm so mean and cruel! Why did I say that to her?! What is my problem?!