Favored By Her Father

Isetnofret had said that the letters from Jabari that I did receive, I hid in a jewelry box. So when I got home, I pulled out my oldest jewelry box and dumped the contents onto my bed.

I found no letters, even when I reached inside, searching for some secret hiding spot. The next jewelry box showed nothing, nor did the next. I almost screamed in frustration as I gazed at my bed, littered with empty boxes and jewels.

Henut came into my room to see what all the noise was about.

"What are you doing?" she asked, balancing Kinika on her hip.

"Isetnofret said that I put Jabari's letters in a jewelry box," I all but sobbed, "But I cannot find them!" Henut laughed and handed Kinika to me, who settled against my chest, then reached for the first box I had tried. She turned it around and dug her nails into a seam on it, pulling out a hidden drawer. In it lay three or four folded pieces of yellowed Papyri. I pulled them out, unfolding them and picking up the one with the oldest date.

Meritites,

I miss you a great deal. Training is hard, but thinking of you keeps my spirits up. My superiors say that I show great promise. I hope I can become a general very soon, so that I may come home to you sooner.

How are your lessons? Are you any better at dancing? My feet are still sore from the last time we danced together!

When I see you again I shall dance with you and see if you have improved.

You never answered me though, do you love me? Was it alright that I asked your father if I could marry you? Do you even want to be my wife? I hope so.

I love you. I miss you.

Jabari.

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"Mama!" Two year old Minkabh called running across the court yard, "Papa's home! Papa's home!"

"Papa! Papa!" Kinika and Rashida chanted. I looked up to see Jabari come through the gate dressed in his training gear. A simple wrap around his waist, his hair pulled back at the base of his neck and leather arm guards.

He walked over to me and embraced me, kissing me gently.

"You said you had something to show me," he said. I nodded and grabbed the small box from the table. He gave me a curious look when I handed it to him, but took it, opening the lid.

"You said you never got my letters," he said, pulling the aged papyri from the box.

"I got those before I became ill. Queen Nefertari had the rest destroyed," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you showed great promise," I said. "She wanted you to marry one of her daughters."

"I never would have," he said. "Not if she offered me all the gold in the kingdom and the whole of the river Nile."

I smiled at this and took the box back from him.

"I believe," I began, setting the box on the table, "that one of your letters said something about dancing."

Henut picked up an instrument and began to pluck at the string. Jabari smiled and took my hand, leading me through the steps of the dance. The children laughed and applauded as we spun around the courtyard. Minkabh ran between our legs and tried to climb up between us. The song ended and Jabari and I stopped dancing. He leaned down and lifted Minkabh into his arms.

"Please come home," I begged.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Jabari," I sighed. "I care for you a great deal, but I have just remembered you. You must give me time. I do not even know if I will love you."

"Then why do you want me to come home?" he asked.

"I miss you," I said. "Your children miss you. Please."

"Very well," he said.

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Jabari moved back into the house. He resumed his former duties as General and Henut went home. Life seemed to go back to what it had been.

Jabari and I kept our rooms separate, mainly because I awoke at random intervals during the night to tend to the children and did not wish to keep Jabari up, but Jabari slept in my bed most nights anyway.

When Minkabh was three and the twins were fourteen months, I found out I was pregnant once again. Jabari laughed when I told him, bragging about his virility. Everyone was happy that I was pregnant again, but our joy was short lived. After several hours of labor, I gave birth to a boy I named Ottah. He was small and frail and the doctor took one look at him a shook his head. Ottah stared at me, cuddled into my breast, and died an hour after he was born. I stared at the poor lifeless child in my arms. He had a small thatch of blue-black hair. His eyes had been black as well when he gazed up at me. I sobbed, holding him tightly, willing the gods to give him back. Finally the birthing woman took him from me and brought him outside. I leaned against the wall, listening.

"I am sorry, sire," She told Jabari. Jabari was silent for a long time.

"Can…Can I hold him?" he asked, his voice weak.

"Yes," the woman replied. I heard an anguished sob come from Jabari and sudden gasps.

"My lord?" It was Fenuku.

"Leave me," Jabari ordered. There were more sobs and Jabari asked;

"How is Meri?"

There was an almost deafening silence. Words were not needed. I pressed my cheek against the wall, digging my nails into the wood. After a time, Jabari's sobs died down and he said, to whom I do not know;

"Take him. See that he is buried in his mother's tomb. Next to Anippe."

I cried at this, falling to the floor. Anippe. Ottah. Two children. I had born two children fated to die. I pounded my fists on the floor, screaming. The birthing woman and priest rushed back into the room and tried to haul me up. I pushed them away and remained on the floor.

"My lady," the woman said. "Please, you will do yourself harm!"

"I do not care!" I shrieked. There was a great pain in my abdomen from the birthing and the strain I put on myself, but the pain in my heart was greater.

"I failed! I failed! I failed!" I chanted. Jabari's cries had only made my pain worse, knowing that it was my fault. I had born him two ill-fated children who had not even lived to see their first birthday. What if Minkabh, Kinika and Rashida shared the same weakness? What if they, too, should die? This made me sob harder. The doctor rubbed something on a rag and pressed it over my nose and mouth. I took a deep breath. Whatever it was it had a sharp, bitter smell.

"No…" I moaned and slumped to the floor.

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The two weeks of purification passed, but when my time ended, I still did not leave. I could not face Jabari. His anguished cries haunted me. He had hired a wet nurse for Kinika and Rashida, but her milk was beginning to dry up. My own breasts were swollen to the point of pain, though I expressed as much as I could into clay pots. He allowed me another week in my solitude, but eventually demanded I come out. I ignored him and bared the door. Five days later he kicked down the flimsy wooden door, ready to drag me out bodily if need be.

I yelled at him, calling him names, telling him I hated him. I threw things at him and lashed out at him with my fists. He said not a single word, only embraced me when I ran out of objects to throw. I beat at him and clawed at his dark skin, leaving angry red marks. Finally, when my energy was spent, I collapse against him, crying.

"I am so sorry!" I bawled. "I am so sorry!"

"For what?" he asked in a tender voice, cupping my cheek and turning my face so he could look into my eyes.

"I failed you!" I wailed in a tormented voice. Jabari's dark eyes grew wide and he seemed at a loss for words.

"Failed me?" he sounded shocked. "How have you failed me?"

"I have born you two dead children!" I howled, clinging to him harder.

"No, no, no, no, no," Jabari said in a choked voice. "You did not fail me, my love, never fail me." He buried his face in my neck and let out a small sob.

"It is my fault," he continued. "It was I who was not strong enough. It was I who planted the children in your belly. It was my children who died."

My neck was wet with tears. I was shocked by this. I had always thought Jabari would lay blame with me; most husbands did blame their wives if the child died. I thought he would call me weak and tell me my body had killed his children. But he blamed himself.

"I am sorry, Meritites," he said, crying. "I am sorry I have given you so much loss."

"No," I said, pulling back and cupping his face in my hands. "No, it is not your fault Jabari." He shook his head and leaned forward, kissing me.

"Never again," he said, gripping my shoulder and staring into my eyes. "Never again, my love, will you lose another child."

"You cannot know that," I said.

"Never again," Jabari repeated.

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After that Jabari was very careful when we made love, trying to ensure that I did not conceive. I turned him away most nights though, I was still scared. The children grew up strong and my fears seemed unfounded. Minkabh turned five and was sent off to school. I missed him a great deal when he was gone, but the twins kept me busy, so I did not think about it too much.

Shortly after Minkabh started school, Mama sent word that Nefertari had died. She asked if I could please come and stay in the palace since Papa seemed so distraught and my presence might help him. Jabari agreed that I should go and called Henut to come and help with Minkabh, since I could not take him from his schooling. I brought the twins with me and they thought it a grand adventure. They had not been to the palace very often and had so many questions.

"Mama, why is everything so shiny?"

"Mama, who are all these women?"

"Mama! Mama! There are so many servants!"

"Mama, look! Grandmother gave me a sweet!"

My presence seemed to cheer Papa up, but he was still heart broken. I wandered if the death of his favored wife made his promise to the gods seem more terrible. I quickly pushed this thought away.

Papa told me how he missed having me in the palace, and I realized with great surprise that though I missed him and the life of the Palace, I would not want to stay. My place was no longer at the palace. It was at my home with my husband. I did not tell Papa this; I only smiled at him sweetly and kissed his sun weathered cheek. I would sometimes awaken to find him sitting in my room, watching the children and I sleep a sad and desolate look in his eyes.

On one such occasion, he looked at me and I realized, with a start, just how old my father looked. His hair was still the reddish-brown color I always remembered, but it held streaks of grey now. His face was lined around the forehead and mouth and he had the slightest hint of a hunch when he walked. My father was getting old. I sat up in bed and walked over to him. He looked up and smiled, weakly. I slide into his lap as I had done many times as a child. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. He was so tall that even sitting down with me on his lap he could rest his chin on my shoulder without having to stretch.

He hugged me back, burying his face in my hair.

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One morning I was playing with the children out in the courtyard, when Papa came out from the receiving hall to join us. He and I ran around with the twins for about an hour, playing and laughing. I found I was suddenly overcome with a wave of fatigue. I tried to ignore it, but as I pushed myself more, trying to keep up with the children, it got worse. I staggered and heard Papa call my name. I tensed my muscles, fighting back the darkness at the edge of my vision.

"Mama?" Rashida asked. Her tiny hands grasped at my dress. I turned to tell her I was alright, but my vision swam with the sudden movement and the blackness I was fighting so hard against, consumed me all at once.

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When I awoke, Kinika, Rashida, Papa and several other servants were gathered around me. Papa knelt on the ground and had pulled me into his lap.

"Meritites," he sighed in relief. I looked around me and found the twins sobbing.

"Kinika, Rashida, why the tears?" I inquired in a low soothing voice.

"Mama!" they cried in unison, flinging themselves on me. I hugged them tightly, trying to console them.

"My gem," Papa said, "We must have you seen by a physician."

"I am fine, Papa, it was just a bit of a dizzy spell," I said.

"My dearest, that was no mere dizzy spell," he said. I looked away from him. I knew what was wrong with me; I just did not want to believe it.

"Are you with child?" Papa asked, guessing my thoughts as only he could. I closed my eyes and bit back a sob. My cycle had not come since I had moved to the palace. I knew I was pregnant again, but I could not stand the thought of losing another child. I was tired of it. I was so tired.

"Darling?" Papa asked.

"Very well," I said. "I shall go see the physician.

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It was confirmed. I was once again pregnant. My sisters joked that I must be the most fertile woman in the land to get pregnant so easily. I did not think this was funny. Mama told them to leave me alone and took me into the room where I slept, laying me down for a nap as if I were still a small child.

I sent word to Jabari to come to the palace, but did not expect him for another day. He arrived four hours later, with Minkabh in tow. If I had not been so upset, I would have laughed at his appearance. He was covered in dirt, his hair was a mess, the kohl around his eyes was smeared and his wrap was crooked. I had sent word that I needed him at the palace immediately; he must have taken it to mean there was some sort of emergency.

"What is wrong?" he asked.

"I am pregnant," I said. Jabari studied me. I knew he was doing the math in his head. He would know I had kept it from him. His jaw clenched and his eyes became cold.

"Whose child is it?" he asked.

"What?" I asked.

"Whose. Child. Is. It?" he repeated. I jumped to my feet and slapped him.

"How dare you!" I shrieked. Jabari sneered and reached out, gripping my wrists painfully.

"It cannot be mine," he hissed. "You have been here for two months, it cannot be mine."

"It is yours!" I cried. "Who else would it belong to?"

"Then why did you not tell me when you first missed your cycle?" he demanded.

"I was scared!" I cried, collapsing. Jabari released his hold on my wrists and watched me crumble to the floor, crying. "You promised that I would not conceive again! You promised! I cannot do it, Jabari. I cannot lose another child. It will kill me!"

"Meritites…" he paused. "I am sorry. I just….you hardly let me touch you anymore. I just thought…" He scrubbed his face with his hands.

"This is why!" I yelled. "I did not want to get pregnant again! And for all your promises and care I still conceived!" I pressed my forehead to the floor, crying. I was tired of crying. It seemed to be all I did lately.

"I am so sorry, Meritites," he said, kneeling next to me. "Please. I am sorry. Forgive me." He held me for a while and when I was finally calm; I looked at him and said;

"Jabari?"

"Yes, my love?" he inquired. I sat back and stared at him for a moment then slapped him as hard as I could. He was so startled by it he fell to the side and grabbed his stinging cheek. His wide, dark eyes turned to me, confused.

"Now I forgive you," I said, wiping my face.

"I suppose I deserved that," he muttered.

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Papa encouraged me to go home, saying that he would be fine. I had my doubts but Mama assured me that if I was needed, she would send for me.

I was still in the early stages of my pregnancy, about four months, when Jabari got word that a rather violent rebellion of the Libyans had broken out. It was an isolated sect, but they were trying to cross over the border and Jabari needed to go take care of it. A few men had already been killed and I begged him not to go.

"Meri, I have to go," he said.

"What if something happens to you?" I asked. "What if you die?" Jabari paused in his packing and looked at me, confused.

"I am a general of an army," he said, slowly. "There has always been a chance that I could die."

I stared at him, silent.

"What of all the other warriors who do not come home?" he questioned. "Am I to say that I am above them? Should I not fight as they do?"

I looked away, ashamed. He was right. I was being selfish.

Jabari sighed and set his bag on the ground, walking over to me. His hand came up under my chin, tilting my head back so I was looking at him.

"I shall return before you give birth," he promised.