Favored By Her Father

Jabari left that night. He sent letters when he could, telling me he loved me and to stay brave. I waited anxiously for his return. The children asked about him, wanting to know when he would be home. I told them that I did not know. I refused to allow the servants in his room and would lay on his bed, wrapping myself in the sheets that smelt of him for comfort.

I asked him time and again if he would be home soon and he always answered that he did not know. At one point, he mentioned that the rebellion seemed to be more dangerous than had originally been thought and they had lost many men. After this his letters came less and less, until they stopped all together. I grew frantic and went to the palace to ask Papa about it. He had been unable to help me, though. He had no more information than I did.

It was the eighth month of my pregnancy and I was playing with the children, when Aikla came and told me someone was there to see me.

"Who?" I asked. Aikla did not respond. She looked pale and her hands were clasped very tightly together. My heart sank.

I stood and rushed to the front room as fast as my bulky body would allow.

Two men stood in the room, dressed in a lieutenants formal court ceremonial dress. I stopped and stared at them, horrified. I could not breathe. I panted, trying to fill my lungs, but my body refused to obey me. My heart beat painfully in my chest and it felt as if someone were sitting on me.

"No," I panted.

"Lady Meritites," one said, bowing low.

"He is dead?" I asked, my voice sounded so small and weak.

"We are unsure, my lady," he said. "He was lost over enemy borders."

"Find him!" I cried, gripping a pillar for support.

"My lady, we are trying our best to find him, but," he paused and looked to the other man for help.

"He was injured last we saw of him," the other man broke in. "The Libyan forces deny that they have him. We have little hope."

"No," I said, sinking to the ground. "No! He promised! He promised!"

"We are still searching, but…"

I looked at them and realized that they assumed him dead. They only needed a body to confirm it. I felt as if someone had sucked the breath from my lungs. I could not get any air. I gasped, digging my nails into the pillar.

"No, no, no, no, no!" I chanted. "He promised!"

"You must leave," I heard Aikla say. "You are upsetting my mistress. She is too delicate for this right now."

I felt Aikla's cool hands on my face and realized I was sweating. I looked up at her, begging with my eyes that she tell me this was all just a horrible dream. Jabari could not be gone.

She gazed back at me sadly and I knew this was no dream. I would not wake to hear Jabari galloping through the gate laughing and crying out that he wanted his beautiful wife in his arms. I would wake to nothing but the cold realization that I was alone. He had left me.

I slumped forward and allowed the sweet darkness to consume me.

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When I roused, I found Bahiti sitting next to me on the bed, mopping my face with a cool cloth. Fenuku must have carried me to my room when I fainted. I stared at the wall opposite my bed. My heart hurt so much. I wanted Jabari to be here with me. I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted him back with me

"You are awake," Bahiti said.

"I love him," I said.

"What?" Bahiti asked.

"I love him," I repeated. "I love Jabari and now I can never tell him."

"No, dear," Bahiti said gently, "They may still find him. You could still tell him."

"You did not see the men who came," I sobbed. "They have no hope! They think he is dead!" I buried my face in the bed and wept.

"Meritites, you must have faith," she said.

"How," I wailed. "How can I have faith when those around me do not? When everyone else thinks it is hopeless?"

"It is not hopeless," Bahiti said. "There is always hope."

"Not anymore," I cried.

"Talk to your father," she suggested. "He is the leader of the army, maybe he can help."

I looked up at her.

"Maybe," I said in a weak voice. She smiled and pulled me up.

"Go then, if you have the strength. I shall take the children."

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I waited until the next day to visit my father. I went into his rooms to talk to him so we would not be disturbed. I did not want any of my siblings butting in. He sat on his lounge, discarding his crown and a few other jewels on a table, while I sat across from him in a chair. He offered me the lounge, but I knew it would be too hard to rise from it. I looked at him anxiously, waiting until he was ready to talk. He noticed this and gave me his full attention.

"What is wrong, beloved?" he asked.

"Jabari is missing," I said, feeling tears already pooling in my eyes.

"I know this," he said, solemnly.

"The men have little hope of finding him alive," I told him.

"I know this as well," he stated. I looked at him, imploringly.

"Papa, please," I begged.

"What would you have me do, my gem?" he asked, running his hands through his short hair in frustration.

"Find him!" I said.

"My dearest childe, there are men already looking for him. What more could I do?" he made a sweeping gesture with his hand.

"You are the pharaoh!" I said. "Send more men. Make them look harder."

"My gem, it is not that simple," he said. "There is much diplomacy involved. I cannot simply barge into their territory and turn over every rock to search for a single man."

"Papa, please," I supplicated.

"I am sorry, darling," he said. "There is really not much more I can do." The tears I had been trying to hold back coursed down my cheeks. Papa leaned forward; placing an elbow on his knee and reaching the other hand out to touch my cheek.

"Papa," I begged. "Please. I love him. I need him to know. I need him home."

"Meritites," Papa sighed.

"You once made a choice," I said. Papa looked up at me, confused. The door in my heart, the one I had fought so hard to keep closed and hidden, broke free. "You wanted to save me, no matter the cost. You promised the gods your life if I was healed and healthy." Papa's gaze sharpened and he stared at me intently, his hand pulling back and gripping the padding of the seat. I could see the question in his mind.

How did I know?

The bricks dissolved into dust and the chains rusted and crumbled. The heavy door fell away and it lay as raw and exposed as it had when Mama first told me.

"You gave your life for mine; I am asking you, please. Give me one last gift. Help me one last time. I cannot live without knowing what has become of him," I met my father's eyes. His face was serious. He did not look confused, or surprised, though I knew he was. He looked at me as though I told him the fate of the world.

"I love him."

Papa stared at me, his mouth set into a grim line. His black eyes searched my face as though the answers to all his questions could be found there and for all I knew they could have. Who knew me better than my father?

"I suppose you would have me give my life again, for Jabari," Papa asked, looking out the window. His face was set into stern lines, and I saw anger as well as pain in his eyes.

"No, Papa," I said. "I am asking you as the daughter you love, the one you made such a sacrifice for, to help me. Send more men, force your way. Please. I do not want you to give up any more than you have." The hand on the seat relaxed and came up to cover his face.

"How did you know?" he asked.

"I remembered," I lied.

"Do not try to deceive to me, Meritites," Papa snapped. "How did you know?"

"I promised I would not say," I said.

"Well you have already broken that promise, have you not?" he said, harshly. I looked down at my hands, ashamed. The room was quiet for a long time.

"It was your mother, correct?" Papa asked, finally. I said nothing.

"She always looked at me strange after you were healed," he sighed. "I thought she suspected something. Everyone did. The doctors knew their efforts were fruitless. They told us from the beginning there would be little they could do, you were going to die and we knew it. I simply could not give you up." He pulled his hand away from his face and sat back, gazing at me.

"It was selfish," he continued. "I was selfish. If I had been less so I would have let you die in peace, but I tortured you with every doctor I could find, then when you stood at deaths door I cruelly yanked you back, thinking my choice was better that whatever your destiny was. I ignored signs that you were not whole, because I chose to. I, and many others, did not want to think of that dark time when you teetered on the edge of life and death. Not once did we ask what you wanted. Not once did we think you would wish to be done with all the pain and agony, nor did we think you should be allowed to make your own path. We all knew better than you, but we were all so selfish in our choice to keep you and choose for you. Then I gave you away to a man I thought would treat you the best because he loved you almost as much as I do. I even picked one that would keep you tied to me still, because for all my pretty words to you, I could not bear to let you go.

"So, I am asking you now, for once I will ask, what do you want Meritites?"

"I want Jabari home," I said. He sighed and stood.

"Very well," he said. "I shall turn over every rock in that blasted country to find him if I must, but I will find him." He moved to leave, but I called him back.

"You did not hurt me, Papa. I understand why you did it." His eyes softened and he cupped my cheek.

"Thank you, my gem."

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Papa sent more men, telling them they were to find Jabari, no matter what. I waited anxiously for his return, praying he would keep his promise. He did not. I went into labor and was all but thrown into the birthing house. Bahiti, the birthing woman and the priest joined me, though I did not want to be in the secluded house. Jabari had broken his promise. He had never broken a promise to me. I was sure he was dead. I felt my heart break at the revelation. I wept as the priest began the chant and Bahiti and the birthing woman joined in.

"You must push now," the birthing woman said.

"No," I moaned.

"What?"

"No," I repeated. Bahiti and the woman exchanged worried looks.

"My lady, if you do not you and the babe with die," the birthing woman pressed.

"No," I said. "I will die and you will cut the babe from my body."

"Meritites!" Bahiti exclaimed so loud that the priest faltered in his chants. I fought the urge to push and continued to lie on the cushions. An hour passed, then another, then another. I felt my strength wane, but I did not care. Jabari was gone.

Bahiti and the birthing woman became frantic, begging me to push. I refused. It hurt so much. I hoped I would see Jabari on the other side. Bahiti sobbed, but I ignored her.

"Meri, please!" she sobbed. "What of your other children? Is it fair for them to lose both their father and their mother?"

I turned my tired gaze to her. The children. I had not thought of them. I was so wrapped up in my own grief I had forgotten about theirs. But what could I give them? I had nothing left with Jabari gone. I did not know if I could go on.

"But Jabari is gone…" I said, knowing she would not understand.

"Never," she said, gripping my hand and pressing it to her wet cheek. "He will never be gone, darling. You will always have a piece of him, always. You carry his child; you have his other children waiting for you. They are part of him just as they are part of you; you will never be without him. Please, Meritites, please, for the sake of the pieces of him that still live, do not give up!"

I was shocked. She was right. I had been so selfish and blind. I forgot that despite the fact that I may never again have Jabari at my side, I would always have a piece of him with me. I had his children, the children he loved. I would never be without him.

I was ashamed at how selfish I had been. I was so centered on the fact that Jabari himself would never come home that I forgot the children he had given me. Surely my suffering was just a great as theirs. They would miss their great general father, who lifted them high in the air and smiled at them with such love, just as I would miss my husband, but he would always be a part of us. Rashida and Kinika may not have many memories of him, but Minkabh would and I could tell them about him. The child I carried would have none, but it would still know that its father loved it so.

I would never, for the rest of my life, be without Jabari. I would always have a part of him and when I died, I would be reunited with him.

I sobbed and gripped my ankles, summoning the last of my strength and pushed with all my might. I screamed in pain as the babe came free of my body. The birthing woman quickly took him and cleaned him off, checking him over.

"His name," Bahiti urged. "What is his name?"

"Dakari," I said. Bahiti laughed.

"Happy," she asked. "You named him happy?"

"Yes," I panted. "So…so I will…always remember…my children are my source of joy…" She smiled and kissed my cheek.

"Rest now, dear."

I relaxed and allowed myself to fall into blissful sleep.