This Love Is Dirtier Than You Think

This was it. This was the day I watched the girl I love fly half way across the world and stay there for eighteen months. I couldn’t deal with it, there were so many different things running through my head. Ever since the moment she told me, my heart sank, I was terrified I was going to lose her again, I couldn’t let that happen. I knew she said she was going to come back, but there was this feeling I had that made me question whether she actually would. What if she fell in love with the place, with her work, or with someone else? All these thoughts were torturing me and I couldn’t handle it. I put a brave face on for her but she knew I was scared; she was too.

Max, Mia and I had driven her to the airport and were helping her unload her bags from the car. I felt sick and there was this permanent lump in my throat, I was going to break down any minute.

I carried Lily’s suitcase and waited with her to check-in, not letting her hand go from mine. We didn’t say much to each other, we didn’t really know what to say, I knew I would end up telling her I wanted her to stay and not go and I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t make her feel guilty about this, doing something she wanted to do.

Once she checked in she hugged Max goodbye and then moved on to her long goodbye with Mia, there were already tears and I could barely hold mine back, this was torturous. I could feel Max’s pitiful eyes on me before he came and stood next to me.

“She’s going to be alright you know,” he said, staring at the pair of girls who were smiling slightly at each other through their tears.

I sighed heavily, “I know, it’s me who won’t be. I can’t do this without her Max, I can’t be without her. I’ve done it once before and I can’t do it again, I just can’t,” I exhaled.

“I know you have mate, but this is happening and you’ve just got to find a way of dealing with it. She loves you, you know that, it’s not the same as last time. She’s still with you, she’ll always be with you, whether or not she actually is. It’s going to be hard but you’ll get through it, you both will. And before you know it, she’ll be back here and you guys will move in together and live happily ever after,” he smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

I thought about what Max had said, I hoped it was true, I prayed.

“I can’t lose her Max,” was all I responded as I looked over to her walking towards us.
She stood in front of me and smiled slightly, “So do I get a hug or…?”

“Come here,” I choked, pulling her into my chest and hugging her like never before. I heard her whimper into my shoulder and then I felt my own tears escape from me. I cried softly into her hair, it smelt like her and that was when I realised that I wouldn’t be able to hold her like this for god knows how long and I wouldn’t be able to touch her, or kiss her or be with her. I pulled away slightly and placed my hands either side of her face and then pushed my lips upon her. I kissed her forcefully, as if it was the last kiss we’d ever share, she fell into the kiss and moved her lips against mine. We melted into each other and I tasted one of her tears that had fallen into the kiss. We reluctantly pulled apart from each other just looking into each other’s eyes.

“I guess this is it then?” she wiped the tears away from her cheeks.

“I guess it is,” I shrugged. I reached for her hand and held it tightly, “I love you Lily.”

“I love you too,” she smiled.

“You’re going to go out there and have fun okay? Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’ll be waiting right here for you when you come back,” I smiled weakly and placed a kiss on top of her head.

“I’ll miss you Franceschi,” she smiled.

“I know, me too,” I replied, and she gave me one last kiss and turned around to leave. “Me too,” I repeated to myself.

I watched as she walked through security, disappearing from my view; my heart shattered, I knew then that I had already lost her, I just wasn’t aware how badly.