Separate Ways

Alex took a deep breath. He tried to listen closely to all the sounds going on around him, but there was one overwhelming one: his heart. He stood there facing the crowd. Looking out, he couldn’t make out anything being said around him. There was someone screaming in his ear. He could hear them, but he couldn’t understand him. He felt a hand on his left shoulder, and he was hoping it’d be who he needed to see right now, even though he knew it wouldn’t be him. He turned to his left and saw Zack standing there.

“Dude, what the fuck?” he saw Zack mouth, but wasn’t sure if he actually said anything. He was about to have a panic attack. He couldn’t focus on anything but the rapid beating of his heart. What the fuck was going on with him? His breathing increased, he couldn’t think. He pulled his guitar strap over his head, shoving the instrument to Zack’s chest, and bolted off stage. He walked aimlessly, trying to calm himself, and it just wasn’t happening. He leaned against a wall, sliding down, knees close to his chest as he settled on the floor.

He ran his finger along the orange, blue, and white fraying thread that was circling his wrist. He ran his finger under the material, around his wrist. He could only think of the boy who gave it to him. The fifteen-year-old boy who made a promise with him. Promised Alex he wouldn’t leave. But Alex was sitting in the hallway of a venue, alone.

Alex rested his head against the cool cement wall behind him. He slipped his eyes closed, replaying the way he got here, without the other boy, in his mind.

--
“J-Jack, what are you saying?” Alex choked out, eyes wide. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He felt tears burning his eyes, and he knew it was just a matter of time until they started sliding down his cheeks.

Jack sighed, heavily. “You know what I’m saying, Alex. This, us, it’s not working. Not our relationship, nor our band. It’s just done.” Jack stressed the word done, and Alex knew there was no fighting it. He knew this was it, that Jack meant every last word, but he was still going to try and change Jack’s mind.

“But, you can’t just give up on the band. This is your dream. You wanted this so badly, and we have it, have it all. It’s right there, sign on the dotted line, we’re in this for good. If-If you think we aren’t working, we can push us aside. We can make a friendship work for the band.” The tears started to fall, as Alex slid his hand through his greasy hair. He had planned on coloring it today. Wanted to try a new color that had a purple undertone. But, then Jack came over and dropped the break-up bomb, and he hadn’t been expecting it. He thought everything was going great for them.

“Yeah, I did want it badly. But, now I think I want other things,” Jack shrugged. He acted like he hadn’t fought for everyone to join the band. Like he wasn’t the reason they were in this, and about to get signed in a day.

Alex couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing, didn’t get how Jack could just change his mind, and it was agitating him. “Now? Now, you want other things,” Alex growled. He threw his phone at the wall near Jack’s head, causing Jack to jump. “What the fuck about Zack and Rian? Or me? Jack, we’re getting signed tomorrow. Fucking tomorrow. Break-up with me, fine,” Alex yelled, adding quietly, “But don’t do this to Zack and Rian.”

Jack looked down, knowing the move he was making was not favorable to any of his friends. But, his parents had basically laid it out in front of him about what was going to happen if the band tanked, and Jack didn’t like it. He chewed on his bottom lip, looking at Alex. He didn’t want Alex to be upset.

Before he could even try to defend himself, he saw Alex pulling on the bracelet on his wrist. He looked down at his own wrist, much less cluttered than Alex’s. He had a bracelet identical to the one Alex was tugging on. He knew the words that were going to leave Alex’s mouth were going to hurt. He physically braced himself for them, knowing the mental effect they were going to have.

“I guess I should just cut this off. It means fucking nothing, now,” Alex fumed. He stared down at the bracelet. He walked over to his desk, locating scissors in the organizer his mother insisted he have. He opened them, placing the material between the blades. Jack held his breath, watching intently. Alex huffed, retracting the scissors and throwing them down onto his desk. “Unlike you, I can’t break a promise.”

“I’m not breaking the promise, I’m just,” Jack stopped, trying to think of something that would make this sound better, make it all seem okay to Alex. But, he couldn’t come up with anything. “You can still talk to me,” he offered. He knew it wasn’t much, but it was something.

Alex walked to his bed, and flopped down face first. His cheeks were still wet with tears. He turned his head, in the opposite direction of Jack. “Are you telling Zack and Rian, or are you leaving that up to me to explain to them?” More tears made their way to Alex’s eyes.

Jack stood up from where he was sitting on the floor, and walked to Alex’s bed, he sat down on the edge, and ran his hand up Alex’s back. “I’ll tell them. I already have someone to take my place. It’s that Danny kid. He’s friends with Matt. Everything is still going to work out for you guys.” He leaned down, and pressed a kiss to Alex’s hair. “I promise,” he whispered.

--
Alex heard footsteps coming down the hallway. He kept his eyes closed. He wasn’t ready to go back out on the stage. It was the first important show since getting signed. It wasn’t at a shitty club. This was a real show, and Alex just fucked it up. He knew Matt was going to be pissed, he knew the label would get wind of what happened, and they’d probably freak out. He let Zack, Rian, and Danny down. He let everyone down. He was officially a failure.

He wasn’t surprised when whoever walked down the hallway sat down beside him. He was even less shocked by the fact that it was Rian. Rian was the one who calmed him down, now that Jack wasn’t around.

“I can’t, I can’t do this, Ri,” Alex choked out. He looked at Rian, with tears in his eyes, as Rian slid his arm around Alex’s shoulders and pulled the older boy to him.

“You can,” Rian tried to reassure Alex. He didn’t realize how much of an effect this had on Alex until this moment. Alex was always so good at hiding his emotions. When they discussed if they really wanted to let Danny join the band and continue on with their dream, Alex just nodded and said yes, like Jack leaving wouldn’t kill him.

“It’s not right. Jack should be here,” Alex mumbled, pulling on his bracelet. “This was his dream that we were all following.”

“Make it about you, then, Alex. You had a similar dream. You wanted to make music just as much. Don’t dwell on him being an idiot. Get back out there. We’ll show him that even without him, we can make it.” Rian squeezed Alex’s shoulder before standing up. He held his hand out for Alex to take.

Alex took a deep breath. He still wasn’t ready to deal with this, but he knew if he wanted this band to go anywhere, he’d have to suck it up. He took Rian’s hand and let him pull him up. He walked on stage, smiling at Zack and Danny. He apologized to the crowd, and went on with show.

After they were done playing, Alex went straight to the shower. He needed to relax himself, needed to process the day. When he thought back to his panic attack, he couldn’t help but get angry at Jack. He fucking hated him.

He felt tears well up in his eyes. He wasn’t lying to other people when he told them he hated Jack. Because, really he did. It was just that he still loved him at the same time. Everyone told him his love for Jack would disappear, because they were fifteen when they fell in love, and hell they didn’t even know what love was. But now, three years later, Alex still loved Jack. He still thought about him all the time. Even after the fact that Jack broke up with him, broke all contact. He still couldn’t get away from Jack completely.

He looked back down at his wrist. His vision was still blurry. He just wanted Jack there with him. He needed his best friend back, wanted his boyfriend back. He knew he wouldn't get Jack back. The only thing left of Jack in his life was the bracelet around his wrist. Alex sighed, turning the water off. Knowing he’d been in the shower for way too long, Matt would eventually come yell at him to go out and meet some fans.

He wasn't surprised when Matt's reflection showed up in the mirror he was fixing his hair in. He sighed, mostly to himself. “I’m getting there,” he mumbled, looking at Matt through the mirror.

Matt placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Are you up to it?” He looked back at Alex, concerned. He knew Alex wasn’t ready for this, but every time he brought that up, Alex was quick to reassure Matt he could handle this lifestyle without Jack.

Alex nodded, picking up the hairspray in front of him. “Yeah. You should move though.” He forced a laugh, as Matt quickly moved. He wasn’t in the mood to laugh, and he really wasn’t in the mood to meet fans. But, he had to make everyone happy, even if he wasn’t.

He pushed a smile onto his face, as he walked out of the venue and to a crowd of about fifty people. He only made eye contact briefly with each person, and every once in a while, he would realize he wasn’t constantly smiling. So, he would force the smile back on his face. He hated having to be fake in front of fans, but that’s what would keep them happy. Otherwise, their Myspace comments would all be regarding why he was so sad versus how great the show was.

It wasn’t until there were only about five girls left, that Alex realized behind them was a tall, lanky guy. He had looked up briefly to see how many more people were there still, and he spotted him. Hanging out a small distance away from where he was standing. His breath caught in his throat. One of the girls asked him if he was okay. He responded with a yes, as he kept his eyes on the other male. He quickly finished pictures with the girls, and turned to walk back to the venue.

“Alex, wait.” Alex heard him yell that but he couldn’t stop his feet. His feet were thinking for him currently, as his mind and heart were screaming for him to turn around and talk to the other. Afterall, that’s what he wanted for the last six months. Alex wanted to hear his voice, wanted his arms wrapped around him, wanted him to be on stage acting like an idiot.

Alex should’ve known that he would follow him. “Please?” Alex heard, and he could tell the other male was right behind him. His arm was being pulled backwards, as an attempt to turn him around. He complied, and made eye contact, as Jack dropped his arm.

“Why are you here?” Alex asked, looking up slightly at the other. He bit down on his lip. He looked good. Alex was a little jealous.

“Your first big hometown show? Of course I would be here,” Jack stated, like it was the most obvious thing ever. He smiled at Alex.

“Why? You didn’t want to be here as a part of the band, why be here as a fan?” Alex questioned, crossing his arms. He had an urge to punch Jack, but at the same time, he wanted to hug him, and thank him repeatedly for showing up.

“To support you, doofus.” Jack was trying to maintain a light atmosphere. But, Alex wasn't going to let him. It had been six months since he even heard from Jack.

"Your support isn't needed, or wanted," Alex informed Jack. "You should leave before one of the guys come out." Alex shifted his eyes downward. He couldn't stand to look at Jack knowing he couldn't kiss him.

"Alex," Jack started, sighing. "I want to still support you guys." Jack dropped his gaze to the ground.

Alex looked up at Jack and could tell he wanted to say more. He was about to say something when the venue door opened and Zack came walking out with Martin on his back. Alex forced yet another smile at them. They were cute together, Alex had to admit. He was happy for Zack when they found out Boys Like Girls was on tour with them, and Zack would be able to see his boyfriend everyday.

Zack stopped when he saw Jack. He looked at Alex, who just nodded. Zack warily looked between Jack and Alex a few times, before deciding that Alex would be okay. He shot Alex a sympathetic smile, before walking away.

Jack rubbed the back of his neck, laughing. "Well, that was awkward." He shifted his weight from foot to foot for a good minute, as he nor Alex spoke.

“Fucking stop that,” Alex finally mumbled. He hated it when Jack got nervous, because he got jittery, and that was just annoying. He combed through his hair with his hand. “So, you’re here to support us. Great, you can go then, yeah?”

Jack rolled his eyes at Alex, before looking at him. “Do you want me to go?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex figured Jack knew the answer to the question, so he lied. Through gritted teeth he said, “Yes.” As he looked away from Jack, he caught sight of his wrist, where he still had his bracelet on as well. Alex’s immediately grabbed his own bracelet, and started playing with it. It was just the habit he had.

Jack smiled, seeing Alex play with his bracelet. He placed his hand on Alex’s cheek. “Do you still love me?” Jack asked, in a whisper. Alex just nodded. Jack had this effect on him where he could make him feel like a child, and Alex hated it, but there wasn’t anything he could do. “Then say you love me, and I’ll say I’m sorry. We can go back to being us, please?”

Alex nodded again. He couldn’t speak, didn’t trust himself to speak. Jack leaned in, and kissed Alex’s lips, and Alex let him. Everything was the same, and it felt like time had stopped. He’d been craving this for so long. He looked up into Jack’s eyes, and quietly said, “I love you.”