To Kill a Mockingjay

Peeta's arms were tangled around my torso, his warm embrace made it difficult to prompt movement. I got dressed in an olive green pair of jeans that stuck to me like human flesh, hiking boots, my father's jacket, and a regular white t-shirt. I traced my fingers over the smooth arrows in their case, letting memories blur my vision.

"When will you back?" Peeta's gentle voice broke through to me.

"I don't know." I answered indifferently. He went silent, but his fingers caressed the arch of neck softly. "What's the point if we can have anything we want?"

I turned to him again. "It reminds me of what used to be. How things were simple."

"If things were still that way, tributes would be sent off to die."

He had a good point.

I left without another word, making my way past where all the civilians of District 12 worked just to barely get by. I kept my head up high, my shoulders broadened, everything seemed like a faded memory. I looked at the neighborhoods, I could hear children laughing, the past was already forgotten. I could kill to alleviate all that pain and suffering from my mind.

I was at the fence, what was left of it, my boots nudged the soil and leaves on the ground. I can do this. I took a long, deep breath and began running, the trees waved by me in a blur, the sun desperately tried to shine down on me but the clouds held their grasp. I ran for a while, I was a few miles away; I'm deeper than usual. When I found an appropriate place, I sat down on the ground and crossed my legs. My eyes locked on the trees, the memories of the Games and losing Prim, and almost losing Peeta, flooded into the front of my mind. I remember the first time Peeta said he loved me, I remember how oblivious I was. I remember seeing Prim again after the Games, and Gale. Gale...our friendship is damaged severely, but a tiny part of me hopes that he will come back some day. My mother, disgusted with the sight of her own daughter, off curing others in need in other districts. I would hate me too, in fact, I already do.

Hours passed by as if they were seconds, when I returned I was empty handed, I had no motivation to even try, all I needed was space to breathe on my own.

When I got back to the house, I was surprised to see Haymitch standing in the kitchen. His long greasy hair hung in front of his eyes, his chin covered in bristles darker than his long locks.

"Well hello, sweetheart." He smiled half heartily.

"What are you doing here?" I almost collapsed into his arms, hugging him with all the energy I had left.

"It's been a while, I got bored being in the house by myself. Where's Peeta?"

"He's not here?"

"Not to my knowledge, I've been here for twenty minutes, haven't seen him."

"Have you checked all the rooms?" I was beginning to become frantic.

"That's too much work for me, sweetheart." He smiled maliciously at me. For a split second, anger began to pump through me. I rolled my eyes and made my way up the stairs, striding cautiously to our room. Peeta stood silently as his eyes focused on the people of District 12. I looked over his body, his muscles were extremely tense, his breathing was heavy, his posture made him appear impish.

"Haymitch is here." I croaked.

"I know." He said quietly.

"Why didn't you go down stairs?" I was by his side now, trying to name the expression on his face. He shrugged, his lips pouted as we caught one another's eyes, then went back to the people outside. "Come down stairs, he wants to see you." I pleaded.

"Why?" His voice was harsh.

"He was the one who taught us how to survive, he was our mentor."

"He is our friend. Real or not real?" Uncertainty took over him, the sadness and shame emerged through his surface.

"Real. He cares about us, Peeta, he is just dropping by to see our progress and to eat dinner with us." I smiled a little in the corners of my lips.

Peeta looked at me then, his eyes sorrowful. "Okay." His voice was almost incoherent. I intertwined our fingers as I led him down the stairs slowly, Haymitch's eyes locked with mine, he only nodded in understanding. "Peeta." He said calmly. Peeta's eyes perked up and met with Haymitch's. "Haymitch, hey." Excitement hinted in his tone, I smiled. Peeta let go of my hand and wrapped his arms around Haymitch. Haymitch's eyes were still hooked on mine, but a crooked, kind, smile appeared on his face.

"So, what's for dinner sweetheart?" Haymitch let go of Peeta.

"Whatever we have in the kitchen."

I walked around them & headed for the cabinets. "We can have steak and potatoes." I said flatly.

"Sounds great, I'm starving." Peeta's voice was animated. I started the meal as they sat down at the table to go over progression. I focused on my hands, trying to act like I couldn't hear what they were saying.

"So, how is it?" Haymitch asked quietly.

Peeta took a moment to reply. "It's great."

"Don't play Coy with me, I want details." I could feel Haymtich's piercing eyes on my back as I chopped the fat off the meat. Peeta took a deep breath, trying to pick the right dictions to explain.
"I love her, Haymitch. She is all I need to survive. I lost my family, who didn't necessarily care for my presence, I lost my mind -literally- and I lost Katniss several times during the process. Having her here, with me, every day is enough to tell me that everything is okay." I noticed Peeta peering up in my direction.

Haymitch accepted this. "How is she?"

"We're both severely damaged, and the sad part is, is that our damage is permanent. Other than that, she seems like she is okay. Her nightmares have gotten worse though, she is strong, Haymitch. I know that at times her walls crumble, I know that Gale, Prim, and Rue are always on her mind. Her progress is going well as far as I am concerned." I felt his warm eyes creep up on my spine all the way to the top of my shoulders. I shuttered inside.

"Sweetheart, we know you are listening." His voice was musical, it made me grimace.

I stopped what I was doing, turning awkwardly to look at them. "You could have asked me yourself." I could hear my voice hit him, it was filled with venom and hatred.

"If I did, you wouldn't have told me what I wanted to hear."

"Oh and what is that? How I miss the old District 12? How I miss my old life?" The volume of my voice began to rise in anticipation.

"The Games are over, no one has to be sent off to play a death game any-"

"I know that! I know that I saved many, but I also killed many." I was mocking him now, trying desperately to get my point across.

"It was for a good cause, Katniss." Peeta's voice was soft, soothing even.

I sighed, trying not to let myself break. "Friends of friends, families who were close to all of us, children even, are dead. Because of me!" I screeched.

"Not because of you, Katniss. Because of the Capitol, because of the people who thought nothing of them. Who thought that playing with humanity wasn't dangerous. There is a huge difference between the two of you." Peeta was so confident in everything he said, he couldn't possibly be right about this. He never purposely killed anyone...

"What's that?" My eyes were burning as I held back tears of hatred.

"You care for human lives, they didn't." He whispered.