To Kill a Mockingjay
005;
We boarded the train in silence, Annie waved at us as we were off to the horizon. I smiled some and let my thoughts run else where. Peeta sank down in his seat and stared at me. My eyes glared with fire towards him, he looked away.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me, Katniss. What is wrong?"
I took a deep breath. "I had a nightmare of my father and Prim."
He looked down at his hands. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it isn't your fault."
"But it makes you upset."
"So?"
"So? So that upsets me." He spat. I sat up and stared him in the eyes. "Peeta, there is nothing we can do to prevent nightmares, or change them for that matter. Get over it." He went silent for a long time, not taking his gaze off of me. I bit my lip, a bit afraid.
"Peeta?"
He was still silent. Animosity grew in his pupils; I dug my finger nails into the cushion of the seat. He blinked long and deep, shaking his head a bit. Then he was back to reality. "What were we talking about?" His voice almost impossible to understand.
"Nothing." I said irritatingly.
He nodded in acceptance and laid down. I took a deep breath and turned my attention to what was outside the window. I watched as the trees passed by us in a blur, it gave me a headache to watch them for too long. I looked back on my nightmare, remembering how my father tried so desperately to try to save Prim, but instead killed them both. They turned to ashes, then morphed into ravens and flew into the heavens. It was a twisted, but beautiful, sight. I stood there for a long moment, taking in the fact that I lost them both, again, concurrently. When I had woken up, I was sweating, I noticed that Annie was in our room, staring at me indifferently. She told me that they are in a better place, and left the room. It was strange that she knew what went on in my mind, but her simplicity soothed me.
After a few hours of silence, Peeta turned to me with a smile. "Gale is waiting for us." He whispered. My heart stopped. I never understood why Gale would ever plan to come back. After all, I chose Peeta -whether by choice or by what my heart was screaming- and that was probably why our friendship broke away.
"Why?" I gasped.
"Because he misses you?" Peeta cocked an eyebrow, confused as of why I seem disappointed.
"I don't see why he would. It's been months."
"He worries about you still, Katniss, and this will be good for you."
I rolled my eyes and went back to staring out my window.
"Please, Katniss. He is trying."
"Being gone for months on end without a word, is not trying." I grimaced, trying to remember to breathe.
"He wasn't ready. He was still trying to figure out what he wanted." Peeta shrugged.
"That still doesn't give him the right to-"
"Look, he coped the best he could, for the best for himself and for your own damn sake. You need to understand that after what happened, not everyone could just flip the page and forget; not everyone could rebuild and move on to grow, Gale couldn't. He went away to distance himself enough to allow you to love me in peace, and to get his head straight. You don't give him enough credit." His voice was firm and a bit threatening, I began to distance myself away from Peeta.
I took all of this in, going back on every word slowly. It was after a few moments before I could say anything. "I do give him enough credit, Peeta! He was stronger than this, he would have never turned his back on me!" I was standing now with my face in his, my breathing was heavy and low.
"If what? If you hadn't fallen in love with me?" Peeta's face didn't change. He was indifferent.
"No..." I started to back off, I never looked away from him though.
"That is exactly it. He didn't leave just for that reason. He left because he lost everything."
Tears whelmed up in my eyes, "he didn't lose me..." I whispered.
"Gale believed that he did because of what you had been through. No one is exactly sane from after what happened." He implied maliciously. His eyes were darkening, I needed to calm down, not for myself, but for Peeta's sake.
Peeta was right, though. I couldn't blame Gale for anything, I couldn't just hate him because he needed to go help himself instead of take care of me. I wasn't being reasonable. I wasn't being the person he needed me to be.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me, Katniss. What is wrong?"
I took a deep breath. "I had a nightmare of my father and Prim."
He looked down at his hands. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it isn't your fault."
"But it makes you upset."
"So?"
"So? So that upsets me." He spat. I sat up and stared him in the eyes. "Peeta, there is nothing we can do to prevent nightmares, or change them for that matter. Get over it." He went silent for a long time, not taking his gaze off of me. I bit my lip, a bit afraid.
"Peeta?"
He was still silent. Animosity grew in his pupils; I dug my finger nails into the cushion of the seat. He blinked long and deep, shaking his head a bit. Then he was back to reality. "What were we talking about?" His voice almost impossible to understand.
"Nothing." I said irritatingly.
He nodded in acceptance and laid down. I took a deep breath and turned my attention to what was outside the window. I watched as the trees passed by us in a blur, it gave me a headache to watch them for too long. I looked back on my nightmare, remembering how my father tried so desperately to try to save Prim, but instead killed them both. They turned to ashes, then morphed into ravens and flew into the heavens. It was a twisted, but beautiful, sight. I stood there for a long moment, taking in the fact that I lost them both, again, concurrently. When I had woken up, I was sweating, I noticed that Annie was in our room, staring at me indifferently. She told me that they are in a better place, and left the room. It was strange that she knew what went on in my mind, but her simplicity soothed me.
After a few hours of silence, Peeta turned to me with a smile. "Gale is waiting for us." He whispered. My heart stopped. I never understood why Gale would ever plan to come back. After all, I chose Peeta -whether by choice or by what my heart was screaming- and that was probably why our friendship broke away.
"Why?" I gasped.
"Because he misses you?" Peeta cocked an eyebrow, confused as of why I seem disappointed.
"I don't see why he would. It's been months."
"He worries about you still, Katniss, and this will be good for you."
I rolled my eyes and went back to staring out my window.
"Please, Katniss. He is trying."
"Being gone for months on end without a word, is not trying." I grimaced, trying to remember to breathe.
"He wasn't ready. He was still trying to figure out what he wanted." Peeta shrugged.
"That still doesn't give him the right to-"
"Look, he coped the best he could, for the best for himself and for your own damn sake. You need to understand that after what happened, not everyone could just flip the page and forget; not everyone could rebuild and move on to grow, Gale couldn't. He went away to distance himself enough to allow you to love me in peace, and to get his head straight. You don't give him enough credit." His voice was firm and a bit threatening, I began to distance myself away from Peeta.
I took all of this in, going back on every word slowly. It was after a few moments before I could say anything. "I do give him enough credit, Peeta! He was stronger than this, he would have never turned his back on me!" I was standing now with my face in his, my breathing was heavy and low.
"If what? If you hadn't fallen in love with me?" Peeta's face didn't change. He was indifferent.
"No..." I started to back off, I never looked away from him though.
"That is exactly it. He didn't leave just for that reason. He left because he lost everything."
Tears whelmed up in my eyes, "he didn't lose me..." I whispered.
"Gale believed that he did because of what you had been through. No one is exactly sane from after what happened." He implied maliciously. His eyes were darkening, I needed to calm down, not for myself, but for Peeta's sake.
Peeta was right, though. I couldn't blame Gale for anything, I couldn't just hate him because he needed to go help himself instead of take care of me. I wasn't being reasonable. I wasn't being the person he needed me to be.
♠ ♠ ♠
Chapter Song