Caving In

“Do I have to go to school?” Mason questioned, pulling gently at the long sleeve of his plaid shirt.

Matt chuckled behind me as I knelt down to fix the little boy’s tiny belt, “For the next thirteen years or more, Buddy.”

“Wow,” Mason awed. “I’d better get started then, Mommy.”

I laughed, standing up to hand him his bag, “Alright, then let’s go.”

“Hey Al?” Matt grabbed my hand, stopping me from following the racing child out the door. “How are you feeling this morning? Still sick?”

I nodded, absently rubbing a hand over my lower stomach. The doctor’s appointment for today was supposed to tell us for sure, but I knew. Not only had I missed a period, but two. I had originally attributed the first missed one to simply stress. Now it was harder to ignore the facts. I was sick every day, my period was another no show and I had gained weight, not a lot, but enough. I had gone through the same things with Mason; I didn’t need the doctor to tell me what I already knew.

Matt pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, his arm wrapping protectively around my waist, “Were you this sick with Mace?” he asked softly as we left the house.

“Yeah,” I sighed, walking around the truck to the passenger side. “But only in the beginning. If it’s anything like before, it’ll die down soon.”

Matt nodded, putting the truck into reverse and leaving the driveway, “Good. I can’t stand seeing you sick.”

I smiled slightly, no matter the time of night, and there were many, I lay in the bathroom sick, Matt was always there holding my hand, waiting with a cool rag. “You don’t have to get up with me, Matt. I’m a big girl. I’ve done this on my own before.”

Matt grimaced, his hold on the steering wheel tightening, “I’m sorry, Allie.”

“I know you are,” I murmured, reaching out to touch his arm. “Today’s a new start for all of us, right Mace?” Mason nodded but said nothing. “Are you alright, baby?” I questioned, turning around in my seat a little to cast a worried glance at him.

He nodded again as he looked away from the window, his hazel eyes filled with tears, “I’m scared.”

“Oh Bubba,” I whispered, “Don’t be scared baby; you are going to have so much fun at school.”
Mason sniffled quietly, “Why can’t I stay home with you and Daddy?”

Matt pulled over to the side of the road, putting the truck in park as he turned to his son, “Mason, your mom and I met at school.”

Mason stopped crying, wiping away at his wet cheeks, “You did?”

“Yeah, in fact, it’s the school you’re going to today,” Matt smiled at his son, looking at me for approval. I waved my hand with a smile, enjoying the moments when Matt made everything better. “We met at Huntington Beach Elementary. Her locker cubby was right next to mine. I thought she was the prettiest girl in the world.”

Mason giggled, his fears forgotten, “Daddy, girls have cooties.”

“Yes they do,” Matt laughed quietly, looking at me sideways as I watched them. “But sometimes, they aren’t so bad.”

Mason smiled, “Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Will you play the CD with Mommy’s song on it? The one you sing for her?”

My eyes widened, “My song?”

Matt nodded, ignoring my questioned as he turned back around in his chair, “Can you hand me the CD book under your seat?”

“Matt, what CD?”

“Allie, just do it,” he ordered with a smile.

Rolling my eyes, I fished underneath the seat until I came in contact with the cold leather book. “What are you up to Sanders?” I questioned, handing him the book.

He shrugged his shoulders playfully, starting the truck again as he shifted through the mass amount of CDs in his collection. He picked one quickly and slid it into the player before I could get a good look at it. He hit the skip button quickly, landing on number seven. The sound of a piano quickly filled the car causing Mason to sigh happily. “Your hazel green tint eyes watching every move I make,” Matt’s voice broke through the piano sending shivers down my back. It had been so long since I heard his voice like this. “I wrote this right before you found out about Mason,” Matt explained quietly, turning it up a little so Mason couldn’t hear our conversation. I had a feeling he couldn’t hear us anyway as he sang along to song loudly, already knowing every word. How many times had he heard this? “We were almost done recording our first album when I found this tucked away somewhere,” Matt said softly. “Recording it even after all that had happened with us, it was like a way for me to tell you how I felt.”
“I couldn’t bring myself to buy the album,” I said sadly.

“It’s never too late,” Matt chuckled.

I smiled over at him, “Now why would I buy the CD when you can sing it to me whenever I want?”

Matt grinned, “I think Mason and I could do that.”

“Is this my school?” Mason asked over the music.

Turning it down, I smiled at him, “Yes baby, this is it.”

He sighed, studying it through the window, “It doesn’t look too bad.”

“It’s not, I promise,” Matt chuckled, pulling up to the curb to park.

“Will you walk me to class?” Mason questioned, unbuckling his seatbelt. He twisted his hands nervously in his lap, still watching the school carefully.

“Absolutely,” I agreed with a reassuring smile.

Matt climbed out of the Escalade quickly, opening Mason’s door for him and helping the little boy jump down. I followed suit, clambering down and helping Mason with his backpack. “I’ll take it,” Matt offered, taking the small Spider Man backpack and putting his arm through a strap, slinging it onto one shoulder. He took Mason’s little hand and began to lead him up the concrete stairs to the old building. I took a deep breath, realizing what I was witnessing. Five months ago you could have convinced me I would never see what was unfolding in front of me. Five months ago, Matt was nowhere to be seen and now he climbed the stairs with the small six year old who meant the world to the both of us, on his first day of kindergarten. It amazed me the way things worked out sometimes. I rubbed my stomach absentmindedly.

“Mommy, are you coming?” Mason called from the top of the stairs; his brow frowned together in unison with the man next to him.

“Yes, I’m coming,” I smiled, jogging up the stairs to meet them. I took Mason’s hand, grinning down at him. “Are you ready?”

He nodded, squeezing my hand.

The three of us walked into the old school hand in hand, Mason talking animatedly about a cartoon that he had seen before breakfast. Small lockers no higher than my chest lined the walls, colorful artwork and posters hung in numerous doorways and children walked through the halls with parents just as apprehensive as Mason. We reached Mason’s classroom sooner than anybody really wanted, I realized, looking towards Matt for strength only to find him looking longingly at the little boy clinging to our hands for dear life. We stepped off to the side to allow other parents inside. I exhaled slowly, kneeling down to meet Mason’s anxious eyes. “You’re going to do so good today baby,” I announced, my breath shaky. Matt’s hand rested on my shoulder, attempting to relax me. I wasn’t sure who wanted to cry more, me or Mason. “I love you, Sweetie,” I pressed a kiss into his blonde spikes.

Mason clung to my shoulders, gasping quietly, “I love you too, Momma.”

Matt knelt down next to us, tugging on Mason’s arm softly, “Hey Mace?” Mason turned to look at his father, his bottom lip quivering slightly. “I need you to be strong for Mommy, okay? You can’t be sad because Mommy is sad enough for all of us.”

“Why are you sad, Mommy?” Mason questioned, placing a small hand on my cheek.

“Cause you’re getting so big,” I chuckled sadly, cursing myself for being so emotional.

“Don’t be sad, I’ll be okay,” Mason put on a brave face, sucking up whatever panic he had felt.

“C’mere, kiddo,” Matt chuckled, pulling the boy into a hug. The bell rang somewhere above us, signally the start of the school day. “You better get in there, Mace. You don’t want to be late.”

Mason nodded as Matt and I stood. He hugged my hip tightly, taking a deep breath and pulling away. He walked slowly to the door way, scanning the room inside. He turned his head in our direction, waving quickly before he stepped into the class.

I made my way to the door quickly, wanting to make sure he was okay. Mason had set his stuff on a table, sitting down next to a boy with bright blue eyes and freckles. Matt wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me back into his chest as he watched the little boys interact. Mason giggled loudly, forgetting everything as he spoke to his new friend. “Do we have to leave him?” I questioned miserably, a couple of tears cascading down my cheeks.

“Hey baby,” Matt cooed softly, turning me to face him. “Don’t cry, you don’t want Mason to see you upset, right?” I nodded, silencing a sob in my chest as Matt used his thumbs to brush away the tears. “He’s going to be okay, Allie.”

I nodded, “I know, it just sucks. He isn’t supposed to be in school yet. He needs to be at home with you and me.”

Matt shook his head, “You know that’s not true.” I sighed, casting one last glance into the room. Matt took my hand, “Come on, we have to get to the appointment.”