I Wrote the Sky
Two
The second time April told me she wanted to kill herself, we were at a party. Well, to call it a party would be to call a politician a king, but it at least was a gathering of sorts. We were in short black dresses and heels, squished onto a large sagging sofa with three other people.
Some people were dancing awkwardly, but mostly people just gave up and started to mill around, making polite conversation. The music was far too quiet and the alcohol too weak to make anyone anything more than ‘giggly’.
‘This sucks.’ The pale red-head next to me turned to her friend. April and I sat in silence, bodies pressed together at the sides.
‘Totally,' her friend replied. Her eyes were blankly watching the mobile phone in her hands, and she locked it and unlocked it repeatedly. She had long black hair and a longer nose, features that I recognised, but I couldn’t place where from.
Next to her, at the end of her couch was a tanned guy. Every so often he’d lean in with a dry smile, pull back the curtain of hair, and whisper something in the girl’s ear. Every time she giggled.
I vaguely knew the girl whose party it was. She was plain, but friendly and somewhat popular. A nice girl that I sat next to when April wasn’t in school. Which was quite often, not that I could comment with my attendance.
April’s hands twitched over the bag in her lap. She had rings on, silver and gold on both hand. Clashing. Awful. Her eyes tore my eyes away from her hands, and she raised a questioning eyebrow.
‘Hayley?’ I called across the room, voice carrying over to the pale blonde. Her eyes flicked over to me, brows raised for me to continue. ‘Can we smoke in here?’
She paused, then shook her head a little, ‘No can do. Mum would murder me, sorry Jan.’
‘S’all right,’ April replied, turning her head sharply, but with a soft smile. She grabbed at her bag and tugged at my wrist, pulling me off of the couch.
We faded through the mesh of wallpaper, browns and white neutrals. Opting out of sitting in the back garden with the other smokers, April pulled me by my little finger around to the front of the house.
The sun was shining amber through its pale light, the night just starting to crown through. I peered down at my watch. 8.34PM. Over the past seven hours I’d smoked four cigarettes and drank two cans of beer. I’d eaten a small roll, and thrown up several large portions of chips. I was getting better. It doesn’t seem like it now, but I was.
April and I sat down on the curb, legs spilling out into the road. We watched the sun finally give up and throw itself down, and the night creep across. We looked for the stars, but all we found were planes, sparkling like wishes in the dull sky. It was enough.
We stayed there for a while, and after a few minutes people started filtering down the street. They tottered and ambled into the party, not even glancing at us. They probably assumed we’d started drinking early and were sitting the evening out.
‘I’m bored.’ I stubbed out my cigarette on the curb next to me and dropped it down the drain beneath my feet. April stirred next to me, I could see her out the corner of my eye, and stood up.
‘Come on.’ She didn’t wait for me to respond, just walked back towards the house. The music was louder by this point, and although the living room was more crowded, it seemed just as awkward. A few people were gathered in the kitchen when we past it, and the hall, and the stairs. It was almost a proper party.
There was a girl slumped down on the landing. She was bent over herself, leaning on the banister, legs tumbling down the stairs. April laughed at her and pushed a few strands of loose hair back; milky blonde tucked back behind her ear.
We must’ve been outside longer than we thought, because the atmosphere was definitely different. I could hear the people downstairs, and judging by the smell the no-smoking rule had gone out the window.
April looked over her shoulder at me, then stepped forwards towards what I assumed to be the bathroom door. The only closed door upstairs. She pressed her ear up to the door, but she didn’t have to. Even I could hear the murmurs and giggles.
She took one large breath in, holding her laughter, and grabbed the handle. She threw the door open and motioned with her head for me to follow.
The bathroom was dark, and for a few seconds remained semi-peaceful.
‘Play time’s over boys,’ April shouted, pulling the light switch and walking through the room. Her heels clanked on the tiled floor, she was wobbling slightly.
‘What the fuck?’ A guy yelled. He was pressed up against the wall. April was laughing, cackling. She swayed a little and sat down on the edge of the bath tub. A large white thing, more circular than most tubs. The guy stared at me, dark brown eyes, and I shrugged.
The guy pressed up to him pulled away, pushing his t-shirt back down as he turned away. ‘We were kinda using this room,’ He said to me, not to April.
‘Well too bad, because we’re having a bath,' April said, kicking her legs up triumphantly. As her legs flopped back down she lost balance, sliding off the side of the tub and falling arse straight into the empty bath. Legs dangling out of the side. Black heeled clogs dangling off her feet.
Skip forward twenty minutes from that moment and there was steam filling up the room. April was at one end of the tub, and I was at the other. I leant forward to the middle, where the tap was, and turned it tightly, stopping the flow.
Those two guys had drifted off, muttering ‘Crazy bitch,’ with a casting glance over both of us as they went. We ran a bath. Locked the door, shut all the windows. Barricaded ourselves in.
‘It’s more fun in here than it is out there.’ April pushed herself up with the heels of her feet. She extended her arms out and stretched, a mess of pale skin touching up through the air, out to the ceiling.
Our clothes were all over the floor. Blended colours splatted on the white tiles. I nodded, turning my eyes back to April as she twisted and untwisted her grey bra-strap. She was lying half-submerged; half of her bra sopping wet and almost black, and the other half paler, still dry.
That’s what April was. She was two shades that didn’t complement each other. Every colour choice she made reminded me of the time when she was 14, she dyed the underneath of her hair jet black, and was determined to keep the top her natural pale blonde. I couldn’t look at her for months without my mind fizzing up.
‘Yeah,’ I nodded, pushing back my damp fringe. She smiled softly, lipstick smudged across a few of her teeth, but I was sure that my own pillar-box smile was exactly the same.
April stared down at her wrists as they sat on her stomach. ‘I could slit my wrists right now,’ she said absently. ‘Go out in a classy way, full face of make up in a warm bath.’ I leant forward against my knees, water splashing around her words. ‘It almost sounds nice,’ She concluded, letting her hands fall into the warm bath.
‘The bath would get cold,’ I said, glancing down at my own boring underwear. I saw them soaked with blood, April’s blood or my own. Cherry red, almost with the consistency of pudding sauce, just floating, tarring my skin.
‘You’d be too dead to feel it,’ April giggled. She stretched out of the bath with one hand, searching around on the floor she could reach, looking for her handbag. I closed my eyes. Listened to her rooting around inside it, bottles clinking against her rings and scrap pieces of paper rustling under her fingers.
‘Pass me that candle would you Jannie?’ The nickname pulled my eyes open, and my gaze rested on her for a brief second before I turned to the shelf next to the bath. Soaps, bath bombs, sponges, candles. I passed her a large (unsurprisingly) white candle, completely unlit. Someone had taken the wrapping off it, but the wick was still stuck down to the wax.
I remember my mother doing that. Buying countless candles as decoration. They’d spring up around the house in pointless places. Perched on the end of a bookcase, nestled next to the television, on a bedside cabinet. They just sat, unopened, gathering dust. The day before she left she circled the house, over and over and over again, clutching a bin bag. She stomped through every room, muttering to herself as she dropped every single unused candle into the black bag.
April flicked the wick up and lit the candle, a glow of ambers and oranges washing over the dim room. She propped it back on the shelf and stretched her arms out, pushing her upper body out of the bath slightly. Smooth pale skin and a rubbed red line, the indent from her bra.
My eyes followed her fingers, though. Still fixed on the clash, the rings. Dreadful. It rubbed like I could feel them in my eyes, in my brain, scratching away at my skin. She only had rings on one hand, but on all of her four fingers. Two gold and two silver, all with different details.
April sighed, noticing me practically twitching, and extended her hands out towards me. She laughed as I lunged forward a little too quickly, sending water splashing out the tub with a loud ‘thunk’ as it hit the tiles.
I remember how gentle her hands felt. They were usually rough. The first time we met when we were very small, I told her that her hands reminded me of concrete. They never really changed. But soaking in the tub, and slightly wrinkly, they were soft.
We could hear people downstairs, and the music was pumping up and hitting out through the ceiling downstairs, to the floor where we were. The candle flickered, even though there was no breeze, and one by one I plucked the rings off her fingers.
There were lines etched across her fingers, red and fine, from where the rings had been. The candle flickered again, highlighting every movement her face made, every truth so much truer. I put the two silver rings on one hand, and the two gold on the other. My eyes felt lighter, the pain behind them was gone.
I looked up, and April was staring at me. She never had understood it, not that I did either. ‘You’re fucking crazy, you know that?’ She dropped her hand down to the bath and splashed the hot water at me, smiling.
Some people were dancing awkwardly, but mostly people just gave up and started to mill around, making polite conversation. The music was far too quiet and the alcohol too weak to make anyone anything more than ‘giggly’.
‘This sucks.’ The pale red-head next to me turned to her friend. April and I sat in silence, bodies pressed together at the sides.
‘Totally,' her friend replied. Her eyes were blankly watching the mobile phone in her hands, and she locked it and unlocked it repeatedly. She had long black hair and a longer nose, features that I recognised, but I couldn’t place where from.
Next to her, at the end of her couch was a tanned guy. Every so often he’d lean in with a dry smile, pull back the curtain of hair, and whisper something in the girl’s ear. Every time she giggled.
I vaguely knew the girl whose party it was. She was plain, but friendly and somewhat popular. A nice girl that I sat next to when April wasn’t in school. Which was quite often, not that I could comment with my attendance.
April’s hands twitched over the bag in her lap. She had rings on, silver and gold on both hand. Clashing. Awful. Her eyes tore my eyes away from her hands, and she raised a questioning eyebrow.
‘Hayley?’ I called across the room, voice carrying over to the pale blonde. Her eyes flicked over to me, brows raised for me to continue. ‘Can we smoke in here?’
She paused, then shook her head a little, ‘No can do. Mum would murder me, sorry Jan.’
‘S’all right,’ April replied, turning her head sharply, but with a soft smile. She grabbed at her bag and tugged at my wrist, pulling me off of the couch.
We faded through the mesh of wallpaper, browns and white neutrals. Opting out of sitting in the back garden with the other smokers, April pulled me by my little finger around to the front of the house.
The sun was shining amber through its pale light, the night just starting to crown through. I peered down at my watch. 8.34PM. Over the past seven hours I’d smoked four cigarettes and drank two cans of beer. I’d eaten a small roll, and thrown up several large portions of chips. I was getting better. It doesn’t seem like it now, but I was.
April and I sat down on the curb, legs spilling out into the road. We watched the sun finally give up and throw itself down, and the night creep across. We looked for the stars, but all we found were planes, sparkling like wishes in the dull sky. It was enough.
We stayed there for a while, and after a few minutes people started filtering down the street. They tottered and ambled into the party, not even glancing at us. They probably assumed we’d started drinking early and were sitting the evening out.
‘I’m bored.’ I stubbed out my cigarette on the curb next to me and dropped it down the drain beneath my feet. April stirred next to me, I could see her out the corner of my eye, and stood up.
‘Come on.’ She didn’t wait for me to respond, just walked back towards the house. The music was louder by this point, and although the living room was more crowded, it seemed just as awkward. A few people were gathered in the kitchen when we past it, and the hall, and the stairs. It was almost a proper party.
There was a girl slumped down on the landing. She was bent over herself, leaning on the banister, legs tumbling down the stairs. April laughed at her and pushed a few strands of loose hair back; milky blonde tucked back behind her ear.
We must’ve been outside longer than we thought, because the atmosphere was definitely different. I could hear the people downstairs, and judging by the smell the no-smoking rule had gone out the window.
April looked over her shoulder at me, then stepped forwards towards what I assumed to be the bathroom door. The only closed door upstairs. She pressed her ear up to the door, but she didn’t have to. Even I could hear the murmurs and giggles.
She took one large breath in, holding her laughter, and grabbed the handle. She threw the door open and motioned with her head for me to follow.
The bathroom was dark, and for a few seconds remained semi-peaceful.
‘Play time’s over boys,’ April shouted, pulling the light switch and walking through the room. Her heels clanked on the tiled floor, she was wobbling slightly.
‘What the fuck?’ A guy yelled. He was pressed up against the wall. April was laughing, cackling. She swayed a little and sat down on the edge of the bath tub. A large white thing, more circular than most tubs. The guy stared at me, dark brown eyes, and I shrugged.
The guy pressed up to him pulled away, pushing his t-shirt back down as he turned away. ‘We were kinda using this room,’ He said to me, not to April.
‘Well too bad, because we’re having a bath,' April said, kicking her legs up triumphantly. As her legs flopped back down she lost balance, sliding off the side of the tub and falling arse straight into the empty bath. Legs dangling out of the side. Black heeled clogs dangling off her feet.
Skip forward twenty minutes from that moment and there was steam filling up the room. April was at one end of the tub, and I was at the other. I leant forward to the middle, where the tap was, and turned it tightly, stopping the flow.
Those two guys had drifted off, muttering ‘Crazy bitch,’ with a casting glance over both of us as they went. We ran a bath. Locked the door, shut all the windows. Barricaded ourselves in.
‘It’s more fun in here than it is out there.’ April pushed herself up with the heels of her feet. She extended her arms out and stretched, a mess of pale skin touching up through the air, out to the ceiling.
Our clothes were all over the floor. Blended colours splatted on the white tiles. I nodded, turning my eyes back to April as she twisted and untwisted her grey bra-strap. She was lying half-submerged; half of her bra sopping wet and almost black, and the other half paler, still dry.
That’s what April was. She was two shades that didn’t complement each other. Every colour choice she made reminded me of the time when she was 14, she dyed the underneath of her hair jet black, and was determined to keep the top her natural pale blonde. I couldn’t look at her for months without my mind fizzing up.
‘Yeah,’ I nodded, pushing back my damp fringe. She smiled softly, lipstick smudged across a few of her teeth, but I was sure that my own pillar-box smile was exactly the same.
April stared down at her wrists as they sat on her stomach. ‘I could slit my wrists right now,’ she said absently. ‘Go out in a classy way, full face of make up in a warm bath.’ I leant forward against my knees, water splashing around her words. ‘It almost sounds nice,’ She concluded, letting her hands fall into the warm bath.
‘The bath would get cold,’ I said, glancing down at my own boring underwear. I saw them soaked with blood, April’s blood or my own. Cherry red, almost with the consistency of pudding sauce, just floating, tarring my skin.
‘You’d be too dead to feel it,’ April giggled. She stretched out of the bath with one hand, searching around on the floor she could reach, looking for her handbag. I closed my eyes. Listened to her rooting around inside it, bottles clinking against her rings and scrap pieces of paper rustling under her fingers.
‘Pass me that candle would you Jannie?’ The nickname pulled my eyes open, and my gaze rested on her for a brief second before I turned to the shelf next to the bath. Soaps, bath bombs, sponges, candles. I passed her a large (unsurprisingly) white candle, completely unlit. Someone had taken the wrapping off it, but the wick was still stuck down to the wax.
I remember my mother doing that. Buying countless candles as decoration. They’d spring up around the house in pointless places. Perched on the end of a bookcase, nestled next to the television, on a bedside cabinet. They just sat, unopened, gathering dust. The day before she left she circled the house, over and over and over again, clutching a bin bag. She stomped through every room, muttering to herself as she dropped every single unused candle into the black bag.
April flicked the wick up and lit the candle, a glow of ambers and oranges washing over the dim room. She propped it back on the shelf and stretched her arms out, pushing her upper body out of the bath slightly. Smooth pale skin and a rubbed red line, the indent from her bra.
My eyes followed her fingers, though. Still fixed on the clash, the rings. Dreadful. It rubbed like I could feel them in my eyes, in my brain, scratching away at my skin. She only had rings on one hand, but on all of her four fingers. Two gold and two silver, all with different details.
April sighed, noticing me practically twitching, and extended her hands out towards me. She laughed as I lunged forward a little too quickly, sending water splashing out the tub with a loud ‘thunk’ as it hit the tiles.
I remember how gentle her hands felt. They were usually rough. The first time we met when we were very small, I told her that her hands reminded me of concrete. They never really changed. But soaking in the tub, and slightly wrinkly, they were soft.
We could hear people downstairs, and the music was pumping up and hitting out through the ceiling downstairs, to the floor where we were. The candle flickered, even though there was no breeze, and one by one I plucked the rings off her fingers.
There were lines etched across her fingers, red and fine, from where the rings had been. The candle flickered again, highlighting every movement her face made, every truth so much truer. I put the two silver rings on one hand, and the two gold on the other. My eyes felt lighter, the pain behind them was gone.
I looked up, and April was staring at me. She never had understood it, not that I did either. ‘You’re fucking crazy, you know that?’ She dropped her hand down to the bath and splashed the hot water at me, smiling.
