So I'm Not the Only One That Feels This Way

When I arrived back at my place with Gerard, the horizon had turned a deep shade of red.

It had been somewhat of an awkward situation for me after Gerard and his brother had that revealing conversation. Mikey had obviously revealed too much for his brother’s happiness and Gerard was now silently fuming. To make things less tense, Mikey offered to play me a recording of a set that the band had played recently.

I sat down on the corner of his mattress in his room and watched as he fumbled around with a stereo system sitting on an unsteady end table. He stepped back with a little remote in his hand and pressed play.

The sound that came out of the speakers was surprising. I was expecting the typical, high school quality, screamo, metal sound that came from most mediocre bands around here. But the sound was unexpectedly tight and put together, with well thought melody lines and base lines. It was still aggressive and edgy, but it had an emotional and beautiful sound to it at the same time that stirred up excitement in me. When the vocals came in, I was again pleasantly surprised by what I guessed was now the ex-band member’s voice. It was smooth and clear, and he had an amazing range. I sat there as song after song played, and I felt goosebumps rise on my arms as the last song’s haunting lyrics and melody faded out. Silence pressed on my ears and they longed to hear that kind of sound again.

Mikey pressed stop on the remote and turned to me excitedly.

“So, what do you think?”

“Wow, that’s not what I was expecting at all.” I said slowly, wide-eyed.

“In a good or bad way?” Mikey asked with narrowed eyes.

“No way, not bad at all. I had no idea you guys were as tight as this. I mean no offense, but I thought I was just getting into some fun, typical, high school band. And that was fine with me because I wasn’t expecting anything else. But you guys are amazing, I’m so psyched that I get to play with you!”

I paused, rethinking what I had said.

“Well, that is if you still want me to play.” I added quickly. I didn’t want to come across as overeager.

“Why the hell wouldn’t we want you to play?” Mikey asked. “We need another guitarist, you can’t tell me you didn’t hear how desperate those songs are for another guitar line.”

“Well I don’t know, I thought that because of what happened with Bert you wouldn’t want to make things complicated by adding me.” I replied a little sheepishly.

“Ah, don’t even worry about that pile of crap. We’d been waiting for him to leave for a long time. I just didn’t want to believe it myself and that’s why I blew up when it actually happened. We’ll find someone else. I guess it’s just a matter of getting out there and finding a guy who can really sing because unfortunately, he has pretty large shoes to fill after Bert.”

The mention of the ex-vocalist brought my thoughts back to Gerard, and my unanswered questions about his argument with his brother resurfaced. I glanced around the room and found him leaning against the doorframe to Mikey’s room, looking impassive.

“Well thanks, man, it’s awesome that you’re giving me the chance to do this.” I said, standing up.

“I’m actually really psyched about it. As long as you’re not super retarded on the guitar or anything, we should be set.” Mikey said while falling back on his bed, his hands folded behind his head.

“We should probably start heading back to your place, Frankie. You probably want to know how your mom’s doing.” Gerard said coolly, his first words since the freak out in the kitchen.

“Mom” I choked out involuntarily.

I had once again selfishly forgotten about my mother’s condition and the position it was putting my entire family in. What kind of a son was I?

“Come on, let’s go” Gerard said. The whole time he had been talking his eyes had been staring blankly at the opposite corner of the doorframe, avoiding my gaze.

“Alright well, nice meeting you again, Mikey.” I said as I headed towards Gerard and the door.
“Yeah, I’ll see you soon!” he called back with a smile and a wave.

I followed Gerard down the hallway. He barely stopped as he grabbed his leather jacket and keys from the table in the front room. He swung open the front door and kept walking without a second glance back at me. By the time we had reached the confines of his car, I was burning to interrogate him, but I was afraid to upset him.

Before starting the engine, Gerard took a deep breath and quickly glanced at himself in the rearview mirror. He backed out of the driveway and started driving down the street in silence.

We stayed this way until I we were almost home and I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. This was the first time I had ever felt awkward sitting in silence with Gerard. But I knew it wasn’t because we were unfamiliar with each other. It was because I knew he was about to explode with anger and I couldn’t bear to see him upset.

“Gerard” I finally said. He didn’t look at me; he kept his eyes on the road.

“Gerard, don’t try telling me nothing’s wrong because I know there is. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, I just hate seeing you like this.”

By this time we had reached my house. He cut the ignition sharply and sat staring out his side window for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, he spoke:

“It’s just everything that Mikey had to bring up in front of you. He knows how much I hate when people find out about that but he still won’t keep his stupid ass mouth shut. Sometimes I just want to kill him! Why can’t he just shut up? Because now I’m going to have to explain the whole situation to you, even though I would have rather never even brought it up.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to” I said gently, trying to calm him.

“No, I do. I don’t want to hide anything from you. I guess I should have known it would come out sooner or later. I might as well just tell you now.”

He took a breath before continuing.

“As you already know thanks to my shitface brother, I used to sing. It was a long time ago, my brother and me used to have this band together and I was the vocalist. Around that time me and my brother were living with my grandparents because my parents had moved to Florida to get my father some kind of chemotherapy, which is a whole other situation I wish I never had to talk about. So me and Mikey lived at my grandparent’s for about a year, and we used to have band practice at their house. They were so supportive you wouldn’t even believe. They let us practice all the time in the basement, most nights I doubt they even got sleep. I offered to find another practice space for us but they insisted we kept that one. And then they bought us a fucking bus! Our own bus to tour in and store all our stuff in. My grandmother would make dinner for us guys almost every night; it was like we were all her grandsons.”

Gerard paused and swallowed, his eyes tightening. I could feel the pain emanating from him, reaching me and making my heart twitch with its own jolt of pain.

“And then she died. It was so sudden. Mikey came home one day and found on her the floor with a glass shattered next to her on the floor. She had a heart attack when she was alone in the afternoon while we were both at school. She had been dead for hours before he found her.”

He shook his head quickly, as if he was fighting the memories back. He looked down at his lap and closed his eyes. I put my hand on his shoulder lightly, my heart aching for him.

“I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t do anything. I wasn’t anything without her. She had made me who I was. She got me out of my basement and my wasted time as an artist when I wasn’t getting myself anywhere. I wouldn’t have found voice at all if it wasn’t for her. So when she died I figured that part of me just had to die with her. I haven’t really sung at all since then. Part of me wants to believe that it really happened, and that I won’t be able to sing anymore because she’s gone. But Mikey thinks I can.”

I sat there with him in silence, staring at him with a shocked expression on my face that I was unable to mask. He looked blank, not a single tear in his eyes. I, on the other hand, was fighting back tears as I realized how much of his painful past he had been keeping from almost everyone.

“Gerard I – I” I stammered. “I don’t really know what to say. I’d say I understand but I really don’t. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I mean, I thought I had it bad.”

“It’s really okay. It was a long time ago. I’m alright about it now I guess.” He said, trying to recover himself from the emotional wreckage and memories he had just made himself face.

“I’m sorry.” I said, although I was just skirting around what I really wanted to say, what I felt I had to say right now.

Although this was a slightly inappropriate time for what I was about to do, I felt like it was perfect timing in its own way as well. I sat there for a moment, building up the courage and trying to keep myself sane and my breathing somewhat stable. And then I was finally ready to do it.

“And – and I just wanted to let you know that….that I love you, Gerard. ” I said, finally looking up from my twisted hands and into his face.

“I love you” I repeated, with growing confidence.

I knew it had been there all along, that it was just sitting there ready to break the surface. It seemed crazy that a guy I had known for only a few days could make me so sure of my own feelings. But when I said it, it was like my mind had been waiting for me to say it all my life. I was suddenly washed over with clarification, and everything was right in front of me. He was why I was here, alive, and not long dead as I wished I could be at times. I was here to save him, and he was here to save me.

We looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment. I never wanted to let go of the lock I had on his gaze right now. Then suddenly he leaned forward and held the sides of my face in his hands.

“I love you, Frank, you have no idea how much I love you.” he said in a heated whisper.

Our faces hit each other and molded together recklessly and passionately. My fingers ran through his hair and down his spine. His hands lingered on my lower back, his nails digging into my skin, making my shiver with desire. I knew I wanted him. I wanted him now. But not here, right here was all wrong. We had to get inside.

He seemed to know what I was thinking. He leaned back from our kiss and pushed his door open, tumbling out in a frenzy and then suddenly appearing at my side as I did the same thing. It was all I could do to close my car door before the distance between us disappeared again. I backed toward my house as fast as I could without tripping over my own feet. Gerard was everywhere. I couldn’t see anything but him and the red desire that was filling my mind. I could care less that anyone could be on the streets and witnessing this intensity right now. All that mattered was that I didn’t let go of Gerard, not even for a second.

He slammed me against the front door, and it took all my concentration to grasp the key on the eave above my head and unlock the door. I pushed the door open with my back and almost fell backwards when it swung open behind me. The hallway was dark. The thought that no one was in the house encouraged me even more, making me half drag myself and Gerard up the stairs and to my room.

I burst through the door and crossed the distance to the bed in a few blind, staggering steps, my face buried in Gerard’s neck, my hands groping at his clothes. I fell onto the bed underneath of him. I leaned my head back as Gerard made his way down my neck, biting me in a way that was painful but had my body crying out with lust at the same time. Our fingers tore at each other’s clothes, and my hands were suddenly groping along the planes of Gerard’s chest as he ripped his shirt over his head. My shirt was off now too, and he fumbled with the buckle of my jeans while he hungrily kissed my chest. He somehow got my jeans off in one movement and I heard the clang of the belt buckle hitting the wall as he threw them behind him.

The reality and gravity of what we were about to do, what I was about to experience, suddenly hit me with full force. As if he sensed my sudden hesitation, he slowed himself down and held me there on the bed, our heavy breathing heating the air around us.
His face hovered over mine for a moment, his eyes searching mine. He lowered his face and kissed me slowly and deeply. After a moment he gently pulled away and put his lips to my ear.

“Do you want to do this?” he asked, his voice uneven and breathless.

“Yes” I said, suddenly gripped with self-confirmation.

I pulled his face towards me again and kissed him, giving him the best confirmation there was. There were no words to describe the feeling I put into that kiss. There was no doubt now that he knew I wanted all of him.

He took me there, and it was as perfect as I always imagined it would be. I was complete in every way. I knew I would never feel empty again.