Middling Syndrome

“JESUS CHRIST!”

He raised an eyebrow at me as he leaned casually against the door. “No one has confused me with Jesus Christ before.”

I could hear dear cousin Brian trying to stifle a laugh from his position down the bed. I shot him an annoyed look and stretched down to kick his knee.

“We’ll be having none of that.” My head shot up guiltily at the sound of my mother’s voice.

I watched with horror as I saw her pat Adrian Sutherton on the shoulder to make him remove his person from the doorway and let her pass. The same Adrian Sutherton who makes icebergs sound warm, cuddly and lovable in comparison. The same Adrian Sutherton who was sitting in a café three days ago, coolly ignoring the five or so girls who were trying to flirt with him. The same Adrian Sutherton who- Okay, I think you get it.

To my stunned disbelief, he returned her smile and skedaddled right out of the room to god knows where.

It just seems so wrong to see your mother in contact with the guy you have the hots for. Did I just say hots?

“What.”

Mom took is as a question about the sudden popping of relatives rather than my shock in word form. “Brian and grandmama are here!”

Her tone did it for me. I started laughing and belly flopped on Brian who was trying to get to sleep on my bed despite the fact that we haven’t seen each other for five years. He seemed to take the kicking part as a proper ‘hello cuz, how are you?’ greeting.

Grandma swooped down on me with a bone crushing hug that was sadly the only hug I’ve received in the two years since we’ve visited her. The only other person who hugs me is my sister and only when I bribe her with enough pancakes. My family isn’t big on touching, sappy declarations of affection and saying the word sorry. We have this thing where we give each other tentative smiles after a spat and then we burst out laughing. It works.

Grandma had managed to drag me off the bed and onto the floor by the time she was finished giving me her TLC. We chalk it all up to her being French though in spite of the fact that mom’s one half, she doesn’t give out hugs like there’s no tomorrow but then again, there’s ol’ one fourth me being deprived of human contact.

“Oh Olivia, you’ve grown!”

“You think so? Really?” I grinned down at her. As you can see, I took after mom’s side of the family.

"You think so? Really?" I grinned down at her. As you can see, I took after mom's side of the family.

Grandma looked pretty much the same since the last time I saw her though I think she got shorter. It's horrible the way humans shrink once we hit 28. Your spine decides to be a dick and the spongy matter between your backbones sponge away to oblivion and the bones contract and before you know it, you're a midget with osteoporosis.

"Liv, she's being nice. You haven't grown at all." Brian interjected from his curled up position down on the bed.

I made a face at him. "Devil incarnate, shut up."

I did a double take on my cousin and narrowed my eyes.

The goof has actual biceps now. Where did the spaghetti sticks go? Where mine were the opposite, being chubby and resembling hot dogs (according to him, not me), his were little stick things that always managed to poke me painfully. When we were ten, our parents loved to take pictures of us standing together because he was Stick and I was Pudge. My grandfather used to love to say that we were like the number ten, Brian was one and I was zero.

We still don't know where our parents hid the incriminating evidence.

He yawned up at me and smirked at my peeved look. "Yes, yes, I got hot. No need to be so surprised about that."

"And here I was, wondering where the annoying prepubescent went."

"Hey! I wasn't –"

I held up a hand. "Ah, ah, ah, Brian. Sit. Roll over. Play dead."

He rolled his eyes.

I turned my attention back to grandma and smiled as angelically as I could.

"Livvie, meet Deborah Sutherton." Grandma introduced her friend who was until then, surveying the scene like a preppy freshman during orientation.

Wait, did she say Sutherton?

"Sutherton?" I echoed. Great Olivia, why don't you just tell them about that time you followed Adrian to his dorm room? Nice conversation starter, that.

"Oh, do you know any Suthertons Olivia?" The old woman asked eagerly.

Why yes. I know his campus address, do you want it?

"Er… no. I… heh… I like the name?"

Brian snorted at my reply.

I tugged uncomfortably at the edge of the sweater that I had worn to bed, only then noticing how I was still in my pajamas along with my bed hair. Oh god.

Really, I can stand walking around like a bum in front of my relatives. Heck, I do it all the time but in front of gorgeous strangers with British accents? No way Jose. No self-respecting female would willingly dig her grave and then step down into it without a fight.

Heh. Who am I kidding? They already saw me in my natural habitat, how bad can it get?

"Can I… er, meet you guys downstairs?"

They all looked blankly at me.

I bit back a sigh. They're not going to make this easy for me, are they? "I'm going to use the bathroom."

Their mouths formed little oh's as they nodded in unison.

I locked the door after them and banged my head against the door. The door Adrian Sutherton was leaning on ten minutes ago. Adrian Sutherton. In my house. In my bedroom. Wait till I call Caro.

I hauled ass to the bathroom and did my morning routine. Now that everybody's seen my bed hair, nothing else can look as bad which basically absolves me of my problems. At least that took care of a few things like running around, trying to look human. Meet people with bed hair, I always say. That way, you don't have to worry about looking good for them all the time and also, you have something to fall back on when you show up looking like that garbage guy from Sesame Street.

Twenty minutes later, I was trudging down the stairs in search of the people who previously invaded my bedroom in my favorite jeans and the most comfortable t-shirt I owned. I was serious when I said that now I don't feel the need to impress the invaders sans relatives.

Where the hell is everybody?

"Psst! Liv!" Brian was munching on a piece of pancake speared on a fork. "Everybody's in the backyard." He told me through a mouthful of pancake mush.

I didn't even deign to shoot him a look of disgust because that would be the pot calling the kettle black. I did it all the time to Caro and my sister. Huzzah.

"Did you have to arrive so early?" Clearly we have to get down to business.

He did that shrug that only the French can execute correctly. "Grand-mère wanted to surprise you."

Oh, well. When you put it that way… I scratched my head in thought.

"What's with the evil gleam in your eyes?"

He widened his eyes at me. "What evil gleam?"

"That gleam." I reached up (it pains me to admit that he has gotten taller) and flicked his forehead.

"Ow! That hur- Oh hey Ryan."

I have him my most condescending look. "I must have done that harder than I thought. I'm Olivia remember? Your cousin?"

He looked down and shot me an exasperated look. "I wasn't talking to you Pudge."

"Pudge?" Someone interrupted. I whirled around in surprise to see Adrian standing behind us with a bemused look on his face. My heart skittered around in my chest because for once, I spied him looking nothing like his usual bored, blasé self. Oh miracle of miracles!

Brian grinned. "We used to call her Pudge because she was pudgy."

I rolled my eyes, momentarily forgetting the person in front of us as I told my cousin exactly what I thought about the nickname.

"Cease Stick! Peasant!" I scowled at him for good measure. "You know, I don't really understand why you people take delight in humiliating me. I will not let you walk all over me ever again! No more gifts during Christmas!"

Brian gaped at me. "But Liv, you can't!"

I raised an eyebrow at him. He never lets on but I know for a fact that he loves the weird stuff I've sent him during the holidays. Aunty Constance is still telling me about his obsession with the battery operated head massager but maybe for different reasons…

Adrian cleared his throat.

"What?" Brian was still putout with my threat.

Adrian raised his eyebrows.

"Oh yeah hold on, Liv, this is Ryan, Ryan, Liv." He waved his hand absentmindedly between the two of us.

Ryan? Ryan?

"Ryan?"

Adrian looked affronted. "Do you have a problem with my name?"

I tried not to be obvious when I gulped.

"You… er… that is to say…" I raised my eyes upward for heavenly guidance. "Ryan sounds so… nice. And normal."

"You think I'm abnormal?" He crossed his arms, his lovely arms devoid of steroid influence and maniacal sessions at the gym resulting in unnatural, bulky protrusions some deign to call muscle.

It's surprising me that I can stand this close to a person who looks like that and not spontaneously combust or at least end up in a blubbering mess on the floor.

I breathed in and out in quick succession to give my poor frazzled nerves a breather. "No, I didn't say that. I just didn't take you for a Ryan."

Yeah, Ryan. Well I get where Ryan comes from but it screams All American Guy with blond hair and blue eyes, a far cry from the person standing in front of me, regarding me with a puzzled look on his face. It would imply that he was the British version of guy-next-door with all the nice guy attributes like being amiable to everyone because he isn't, amiable to everyone that is.

Adrian with his raven black hair, forest green eyes and not to mention his, I cringe when I say this because it makes me sound like a sex crazed female, toned body would have looked at home in a gang who makes stealing candy from little kids their vision and mission. That and the staring off into the distance while brooding.

He pressed his mouth, I will refrain from making a comment about his mouth for fear of turning into a sex crazed female, into a line. "I didn't take you for an Olivia either."

What.

Are we actually having this conversation right now?

"Are we actually having this conversation right now?"

Brian snorted from my right as Adrian shrugged. I tilted my head slightly and stared pointedly at the floor, giving it a thorough examination.

"As much as I find this stimulating," Brian snorted along with me this time. Can you see the familial connection now? "I think they're wondering where we are."

He turned around to head out to the backyard with Adrian- sorry, Ryan, and me in tow.

_______________________________________________________________________

"Livvie, you don't have any appointments this summer, don't you?" Grandma asked me from her position down at the end of the table.

Everyone's currently lounging about in our backyard after a particularly noisy breakfast filled with inquiries about the British half of our guests and vice versa. My brain was trying to convince me not to roll my eyes at the questions being tossed around. 'What's your favorite vintage of this blah blah wine?' We sound like prats but without the need to march around and announce our net worth incase kidnapping occurs.

So far, I haven't been interrogated school wise which is a first because that's pretty high up on the list of questions you need to ask people about their children. That and because grandma can't resist singing my (and also Brian's and Annie's) praises whenever she gets the chance. It's one of the reasons I like hanging around her because it's like we're the greatest thing after sliced bread. It's kind of nice that your grandma believes you're still the perfect angel even after twenty years of existence and an unholy number of fuckups.

"Nope, I get to sit back and be lazy grandma."

"Oh good!" She almost blinded me with her smile worthy of its own toothpaste commercial.

I raised my eyebrows at her. "How is being unproductive good? I mean, I'm all for it but I thought you, as a certified adult, would not urge me into living a life of passive interest."

She attempted to blind me again. "I have the most wonderful surprise for you pumpkin!"

"Oooh, tell her! Tell her!" Mrs. Sutherton, whom I found out was actually Adr- Ryan's grandmother, was leaning so far from her chair that it was a wonder that she was still on it.

"Tell her mom!" My own mother beamed at me. What is wrong with them?

I looked at the three of them quizzically and widened my eyes at my father. Even he was smiling enigmatically at me.

"Olivia," Heh, this must be pretty serious. "Oh, how am I going to say this?" She asked no one in particular.

"You're coming with us for the summer." Someone drawled.

We all turned to look at Ryan who was leaning back on his chair with an air of contentment.

"To Europe." Brian clarified beside Ryan, looking equally full and content.

Grandma looked like someone stole the scones she was having for tea. "You should really work on your intonation dear. Put more excitement when you say it!"

Ryan looked affronted and I hid a laugh by hurriedly stuffing myself with a piece of toast. To hell with accidentally choking and asphyxiation.

"So?" Mom was looking at me expectantly and I gave her a blank look.

And then realization dawned on me.

"My god. You're really serious?"

It was their turn to give me blank looks.

"Uh, yeah?" Brian was looking at me like I was the slowest slug in the garden.

Damn him and his French accent. Omellete du fromage!

I hurriedly drank my orange juice to do a quick rehash of the scene. Pro: I am going to Europe for the summer. Con: There is no con.

I beamed at them, almost choking on the juice which threatened to come of my nose. My self-respect is taking a beating today. "I can't really say I'm surprised, not that I get asked to come along to trips all the time." I added hurriedly.

"I was expecting squealing and shouts of 'thank yous'" My dad said after a beat of silence. "That was disappointingly anti-climactic."

"Squealing dad? Really? You think that low of me, your favorite daughter?"

Annie who has the sharpest mind (and hearing, bless her) for a four year old, pinched my arm.

"I could tell something was up." I shot my mom a knowing look.

"We are going to have so much fun!" Mrs. Sutherton smiled winsomely at all of us.

Never in a million years did I imagine that I would end up going on a trip that could very well last for two months with Adrian Sutherton and his grandmother. Adrian freaking Sutherton and his *beep* grandmother. See what I did there? I have respect for my elders, you know. I'm not completely corrupted; my dark soul still has a chance for redemption. Ok no, I'm just kidding. My soul is blindingly white because it so pure and also because I'm just one step farther from being a goody-two-shoes. I can't even indulge in my fantasies of being a badass.

"This is great. Really." I grinned at grandma to show her that I didn't harbor any hard feelings from their lack of skills in surprising people. "Thanks for taking me even though I might just complain the whole time and make the others carry my luggage."

Brian scoffed. "Complain? You're like one of those annoyingly optimistic people who write self help books in their free time. I have never heard you complain even that time you got left behind in London and you had to wait there for five hours until your dad could go back and get you. You get off on travelling mishaps." He shook his head sadly at me.

No matter how wrong that sounds, I am not a sadistic person who gets off when the going gets tough. I just happen to love it when something unplanned happens which is totally normal and not at all weird. Totally normal.

"You are making me sound mental Bry." I told him in a bored voice.

I caught sight of Adri- oh bother. I caught sight of Ryan, who was smothering his laughter with bacon. I squinted at him, my eyesight slightly hampered by the fact that I had forgone my glasses this morning. As it was, I could still make out his mouth which was currently being stuffed hurriedly with the wonderful bacon. Bacon that I should be eating in case they finish it off.

I ignored them and turned my attention back to the food despite the fact that I was full to bursting already. Everybody else was engaged in conversation and frankly, I don't know how to address the hurdle that is Adrian Sutherton. Am I supposed to be friendly with him? Am I supposed to call him out and banter with him? Am I supposed to disregard his overall hotness and somehow forget that he is a good looking male and that I don't have an aversion to good looking males especially good looking males in my age group? They're asking too much from me.

I poked mom discreetly to get her attention. "Mother, are you aware that you are endangering your eldest daughter's sanity by signing me on a trip with virtual strangers?" I hiss quietly at her. I'm pulling her leg here because in truth, I am loving this. Though I do worry about my impending trip to the asylum before the month is out.

"Strangers? You've met Mrs. Sutherton before!"

I looked at her strangely. "I did?" Huh.

"Of course. She was there with us two years ago when we celebrated Christmas with my side of the family though Ryan had to go back to London right after they arrived. Something about his father." She nodded sagely. "Poor boy, his grandmother had all but adopted him what with his father being too busy to take care of him himself. His mother died giving birth to him you know."

No, as a matter of fact, I didn't know. Who knew my mother was practically Ryan'sautobiographer and here I was, resorting to the social media and various excursions to just find out his class schedule which by the way is still an enigma to me much like the really hard derivations of the mathematical sort.

Jesus, I thought he was from a very happy family with the little sister I imagined him to have (whom he dotes on because that's cute) complete with a family dog, a Newfoundland named Mussolini.

Oh, how wrong I was.

I sneaked a look at him laughing at something Brian said, a far cry from his usual stoic self at school. Hmm… when he laughs, he looks more like a Ryan and less like an Adrian.

I frowned and turned back to my mom.

"Don't worry about it. You'll be fine!" She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, something she hasn't done since my little sister popped out of her stomach and by then, she was too busy scolding inept nannies and changing Annie's diaper.

"We've got all your things ready so you're good to go." She looked so smug that she managed to pack my stuff without me noticing.

"Why aren't you and dad and Annie coming with us?"

"Well, we thought you earned a vacation after all the studying you did." Psh. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I study not because I love it but because I'm too scared of their reaction if I slack off, plus I'm one step from being a goody-two-shoes so it all works out in the end.

"And then mom called and viola!" Isn't my mother perfect?

"Aren't you afraid I might indulge in untoward activities like towing behind Austrian stoners and starting a marijuana plantation with them?"

She just doesn't get my fear for my safety. "Oh please, if you wanted to try drugs you could have done so ages ago and besides, we've raised you far better than that."

It's comforting that my parents trust me so much.

"So, are you excited?"

I laughed at her excitement that almost mirrored my own. "Of course I'm excited! Who wouldn't be? I love Europe so much that I almost want to change my name from Olivia to Europe."

It might not be obvious from my actions earlier but I'm almost pissing in my pants from the excitement now that they're not gauging my reaction by staring at me. And there's also the surprising appearance of a certain British person whose nickname starts with R and ends with n to mull over.

I really don't know how they expect me to survive.

In my honest opinion, good looking people should be locked up because they are a menace to society. Preferably with the male half (and if it's not too much to ask, those with enough brain cells to generate intelligent and witty conversation) in a room that only I have access to so that I can stare at them to my heart's content.