Light up the Sky
017; Ignorance
Ignorance
I was ignoring him and that’s what I believed he deserved. What I knew he deserved. He didn’t deserve to be talked to, and I knew that I was being completely ignorant doing so, but he really didn’t. He had ruined himself beyond belief and there was no way that he deserved me talking to him. He must have been this fantastic looking guy, until now. I was just a fat and useless... boy, for lack of a better word. And there he was, trying to get my attention by calling my name.
“Mikey?” was being played repeatedly in my ears as he sat on his bed and I sat on mine. There was no way that I was going to answer him, that would go against the point of me ignoring him.
I could tell that I had furrowed my eyebrows, and I no doubt had all of those crinkles on my forehead – I was trying my hardest to block out all of the noise he was making. He was practically shouting my name. Blocking him out was turning out to be very hard, and the fact that he wasn’t even using my name was making me want to shout back at him.
(Go on, do it. Shout at him.)
(I can’t… I can’t. I have to ignore him…)
(Break the’ ignoring’ rule. Shout at him, you fat boy.)
(I. Can’t.)
(You can).
(I won’t.)
(You will.)
“My name’s not fucking Mikey!” I screamed, my own shrill voice piercing my ears and making me cringe slightly – I didn’t know I had it in me.
I instantly shrunk back into the headrest of my bed, I felt bad. So, so bad. I hadn’t meant to shout that loud and I didn’t know what caused me to do it – I shouldn’t have done it. I was supposed to be ignoring him.
I stole a glance at Frank and I noticed that he now had his eyebrows furrowed and his nose crinkled up, obviously wondering why the fuck I had just yelled at him that my name wasn’t Mikey. My name was Mistake, God damnit.
(That’s it. See, it wasn’t so hard now was it…)
(Just shut up! Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!)
I pushed my hands over my ears, trying to block out the cackle of that voice that kept going off in my head – whoever it was was laughing at me. Cackling at me.
(Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up!)
“Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up,” I hadn’t even realized that I had been talking out loud and it was only when Frank was trying his hardest to pry my clenched fingers off of my ears and was shouting ‘Mikey!’ at me over and over again that I realized it.
“Mikey… Mikey, what’s wrong?” I burst into tears at the sound of his caring voice – he shouldn’t care about my wellbeing. He shouldn’t care that I was pretty much going insane. He shouldn’t. And he couldn’t.
I shook my head violently, the cackling that was in my head getting fainter but it was still there. Ringing in my ears. I pushed my index fingers in my ears, trying to clean my ears of the laughter and fresh tears leaked down my face.
“Mikey, please tell me…” he pleaded and I continued to shake my head, my own sobs being the only thing that I was paying attention to.
I didn’t need to cry. I didn’t deserve to cry. I didn’t deserve anything – I was focusing on stopping my sobs. Stopping all of the hacking and trembling that my body was doing, forcing out all of the tears so I could stop quicker.
“Please,” he continued to plead and I let out one last sob as I shook my head, yet again.
My sobbing had stopped but my breathing was still heavy and a few stray tears trickled down my face, leaving the marks of their paths down my cheeks.
--
I pulled the covers up against my chin, I could only hear Frank’s deep breathing and the wind blowing outside; rustling in the trees. My eyes were wide open, I couldn’t sleep. I turned onto my side, facing towards Frank and watched his chest rise and fall. I could see every one of his ribs, even through the t-shirt he had on. It was disgusting. I couldn’t see why he would do that to himself; I couldn’t see why anyone would do that to themselves.
I could still feel the sticky tracks of my tears on my cheeks and I scratched at them, they were itchy. I continued to watch Frank; his face looked so… at peace. He looked as if nothing mattered to him at that second, like he was completely content with where he was. He shouldn’t be feeling like that. He should be totally disgusted with himself; I definitely was.
I pushed the covers off of me and walked over to the open window. The wind blew my hair out of my face and I pulled it shut before walking back towards the beds. I found Frank’s and pulled the covers back slightly before climbing in next to him. I squashed myself in towards him and wrapped an arm over his tiny frame, taking in the feel of his bones as I ran my fingers over them.
I stroked up and down his sides, feeling all of his bones and the cold-ness of his flesh beneath the pads of my fingertips. Taking in how milky-white his skin was, and how ill he looked. He looked like death. He made a soft mewing sound and I stopped stroking him and just placed my arm over his waist before bringing myself closer towards his body.
My face was next to his, our noses almost touching and I looked out at his closed eyes. I could feel his breath on my cheek and I pressed my lips against his, my eyes closing as I kissed him gently before pulling away, keeping my eyes shut and falling asleep.
I was ignoring him and that’s what I believed he deserved. What I knew he deserved. He didn’t deserve to be talked to, and I knew that I was being completely ignorant doing so, but he really didn’t. He had ruined himself beyond belief and there was no way that he deserved me talking to him. He must have been this fantastic looking guy, until now. I was just a fat and useless... boy, for lack of a better word. And there he was, trying to get my attention by calling my name.
“Mikey?” was being played repeatedly in my ears as he sat on his bed and I sat on mine. There was no way that I was going to answer him, that would go against the point of me ignoring him.
I could tell that I had furrowed my eyebrows, and I no doubt had all of those crinkles on my forehead – I was trying my hardest to block out all of the noise he was making. He was practically shouting my name. Blocking him out was turning out to be very hard, and the fact that he wasn’t even using my name was making me want to shout back at him.
(Go on, do it. Shout at him.)
(I can’t… I can’t. I have to ignore him…)
(Break the’ ignoring’ rule. Shout at him, you fat boy.)
(I. Can’t.)
(You can).
(I won’t.)
(You will.)
“My name’s not fucking Mikey!” I screamed, my own shrill voice piercing my ears and making me cringe slightly – I didn’t know I had it in me.
I instantly shrunk back into the headrest of my bed, I felt bad. So, so bad. I hadn’t meant to shout that loud and I didn’t know what caused me to do it – I shouldn’t have done it. I was supposed to be ignoring him.
I stole a glance at Frank and I noticed that he now had his eyebrows furrowed and his nose crinkled up, obviously wondering why the fuck I had just yelled at him that my name wasn’t Mikey. My name was Mistake, God damnit.
(That’s it. See, it wasn’t so hard now was it…)
(Just shut up! Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!)
I pushed my hands over my ears, trying to block out the cackle of that voice that kept going off in my head – whoever it was was laughing at me. Cackling at me.
(Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up!)
“Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up,” I hadn’t even realized that I had been talking out loud and it was only when Frank was trying his hardest to pry my clenched fingers off of my ears and was shouting ‘Mikey!’ at me over and over again that I realized it.
“Mikey… Mikey, what’s wrong?” I burst into tears at the sound of his caring voice – he shouldn’t care about my wellbeing. He shouldn’t care that I was pretty much going insane. He shouldn’t. And he couldn’t.
I shook my head violently, the cackling that was in my head getting fainter but it was still there. Ringing in my ears. I pushed my index fingers in my ears, trying to clean my ears of the laughter and fresh tears leaked down my face.
“Mikey, please tell me…” he pleaded and I continued to shake my head, my own sobs being the only thing that I was paying attention to.
I didn’t need to cry. I didn’t deserve to cry. I didn’t deserve anything – I was focusing on stopping my sobs. Stopping all of the hacking and trembling that my body was doing, forcing out all of the tears so I could stop quicker.
“Please,” he continued to plead and I let out one last sob as I shook my head, yet again.
My sobbing had stopped but my breathing was still heavy and a few stray tears trickled down my face, leaving the marks of their paths down my cheeks.
--
I pulled the covers up against my chin, I could only hear Frank’s deep breathing and the wind blowing outside; rustling in the trees. My eyes were wide open, I couldn’t sleep. I turned onto my side, facing towards Frank and watched his chest rise and fall. I could see every one of his ribs, even through the t-shirt he had on. It was disgusting. I couldn’t see why he would do that to himself; I couldn’t see why anyone would do that to themselves.
I could still feel the sticky tracks of my tears on my cheeks and I scratched at them, they were itchy. I continued to watch Frank; his face looked so… at peace. He looked as if nothing mattered to him at that second, like he was completely content with where he was. He shouldn’t be feeling like that. He should be totally disgusted with himself; I definitely was.
I pushed the covers off of me and walked over to the open window. The wind blew my hair out of my face and I pulled it shut before walking back towards the beds. I found Frank’s and pulled the covers back slightly before climbing in next to him. I squashed myself in towards him and wrapped an arm over his tiny frame, taking in the feel of his bones as I ran my fingers over them.
I stroked up and down his sides, feeling all of his bones and the cold-ness of his flesh beneath the pads of my fingertips. Taking in how milky-white his skin was, and how ill he looked. He looked like death. He made a soft mewing sound and I stopped stroking him and just placed my arm over his waist before bringing myself closer towards his body.
My face was next to his, our noses almost touching and I looked out at his closed eyes. I could feel his breath on my cheek and I pressed my lips against his, my eyes closing as I kissed him gently before pulling away, keeping my eyes shut and falling asleep.