Light up the Sky

I got up the next morning, my alarm clock and the sun seeping through my curtains waking me up at 6:30 in the morning. I grumbled, I hated waking up every morning at six thirty, it’s… unnatural. Who in their God damned right mind would?

Me. I guess in a way I deserved to be woken up this early, I wasn’t in my right mind and so waking up this early was pretty much normal for me. The only problem with it was that I tended to sleep through my alarm –which goes off at 6:20- until it finally kicks in and I wake up. Mom and dad are the unfortunate ones who sleep in the room next to mine and are both pretty light sleepers and get woken up six twenty while I get that ten minute lye in.

“Michael!” My dad banged on my door, sounding angry once again.

My dad was always angry; I don’t know why my mom stuck with him. He was nothing but an over reactive, stuck up prick who had nothing better to do than get angry with me. Either mom didn’t notice, or she didn’t take any notice. Whatever it was, she was ignoring the fact that my father hated me.

“Y-yes,” I called back, jumping out of my bed to go and unlock the door.

It would be worse if I left it locked, he would eventually break the door down just to get in to either rant at me or hit me – one of the other, I had gotten used to it and it no longer bothered me so much.

He pushed his way into the room once he heard the lock click, and the door swung into my face, knocking me backwards. I could feel a light trickle or blood coming out of my nose and I groaned – I hate nose bleeds.

I wiped my nose on my arm and looked up at my dad before standing up off the ground. We were a similar height – I was tall for my age and he was pretty short for his. My fifteen year old body was taller than most and so I met my dad’s eyes with my own.

He looked tired, tired and angry. Two of the worst combinations if you ask me; you don’t want a tired and angry dad. Tired makes him crabby, and being angry… well, we won’t go there.

“For fucks sake, Michael, learn to turn you’re fucking alarm clock off for once!” He yelled at me as his fist connected with my jaw.

I stumbled back a few steps, my right hand going up to meet my jaw whilst my other fell out to steadied me. My dad continued to glare at me and once I had got over the first initial shock of it I did as he said and ran to turn off my alarm clock. The beeping stopped and my dad sighed, “Thank the Lord,” he muttered.

He walked back out of my room to where I guessed he would be going back into his to go back to sleep – he usually did, what was so different about today? Nothing, that is what is different. Absolutely nothing.

I got changed quickly and walked downstairs. My stomach growled and I growled at it in reply; it deserved to be hungry, and it was going to be hungry. I didn’t care, I needed to numb myself from this hunger to get on with my life the way it should be. I didn’t deserve to feel and I certainly wasn’t going to.

I opened the front door, walking straight past the kitchen without even glancing at the fridge, and walked out into the cold November air. I shivered and wished that I had bought my coat; but that would defeat the point. If I was trying to become numb to everything around me I would have to become numb to the temperature as well; I didn’t deserve to feel the cold, I didn’t deserve to feel the heat; so I was going to stop that.

My teeth were chattering as I walked no where in particular, today was Friday which meant that I had the weekend tomorrow and I groaned mentally. Weekends were worse than weekdays. Most people would say otherwise, but when you’re trying to become numb to everything, or you’re trying to get away from your questioning brother, or your parents who don’t care; school is usually the safest option.

I checked the time on my phone, reading that it read six fifty-eight and I carried on walking wherever it was that I was going. School started at eight thirty, finishing at three o’clock.

—

I started my walk back towards the school, it had just turned eight o’clock and I decided that I had walked enough for today. I wanted to get to school so that I could try and block out everything going through my head.

I knew that Gerard would probably be angry with me; I usually wait for him before I leave and today I didn’t. I couldn’t be bothered to wait until he got up and I didn’t feel like being asked so many questions. He would probably have driven today, as the fact that he didn’t have me to worry about there with him. He knew that I would say no if he ever asked to drive me somewhere and the truth is that I didn’t want to get driven anywhere. I deserve to walk, I would walk miles and I knew that that was what I deserved. I didn’t deserve to be driven everywhere. I needed the exorcise.

I was getting to chubby, I still was too chubby, and it seemed that not eating wasn’t doing any good for me. It works for some, but apparently not for me. Not deserving to eat was tricky, I had to prove to my stomach that it didn’t need food and plus that it wasn’t allowed the food. It wasn’t, I wasn’t, I wasn’t allowed to give it any. It didn’t deserve it and it would get fatter – no one wanted that, I would look even more disgusting.

That would just be horrible; if I got even fatter everyone around me would be disgusted. I would be even more disgusted in myself. No one would want to look at an even fatter Michael Way, it would just be… wrong. People would walk past me, cringing. No one would want to be around me, Gerard wouldn’t even bother to ask me what was wrong. And basically, the world would just hate me even more. So I was going to be numb, I was going to become immune to everything and everyone around me. I was going to block it all out.