Don't Hesitate

Kellin walked back into his flat to the sound of his shallow breathing, the pulse throbbing in his temple and nothing else. Instinctively he flicked the radio on as he walked past to fill the room with anything but silence, and then set about making some toast and another coffee but all of it was done slowly, with this distant sense of lethargy. After he'd dropped Demi off at her apartment he'd sat in the car and watched her as she disappeared into her building, waited for a glimpse of her through the window on the second floor staircase; when he saw her it was in a flash, her hair was bouncing around her shoulders, her face was angled down, and he sighed and slowly pulled away from the curb.

What he couldn't get from his head was the feeling. The feeling he got when he was with her, forget putting your finger on it, forget pointing anything at all at it and giving it a name because there wasn't one, this thing right here he felt when his eyes landed on her, well, that was too big, it crushed his chest and made it explode, made him feel tall and strong and yet at the same time crumpled him inside. The feeling. He tried breathing deep to loosen the tightness in his chest, tried throwing his arms outwards and stretching it out, tried holding his head in his hands and murmuring a soft tune to excorcise it, but nothing helped. And somehow he didn't want to be helped. Somehow he didn't want to loose it. Somehow, he wanted more of it.

"This was a mistake," he repeated miserably to himself as he threw himself down on the bed. Suddenly everything Justin had said came to his mind, and he sat there stiffly with a feeling of guilt knowing questions were coming his way and that he was going to have to answer them. Reaching for a cushion to crush or kill he folded it up in his arms and as he did, noticed a fine shimmering layer of eye-shadow and a couple of kohl smudges smeared across the cotton. He smiled and laid it down again, and that was when the telephone rang.

He picked it up without hesitating. "Hello?"
"Baby, it's me."
He froze. "Um, hey sweetheart, you wanna come up?"
"Uh, that's why I'm here."
"Alright," he murmured and buzzed her up, putting the phone back into its folder with a hand that had now gone a little shaky. He ran a hand through his hair and looked around, checked himself in the mirror before he stepped up to the door which was due a knock and which came as he was staring at the door handle.
He opened it.
Julia offered him a sour smile and leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss him on the mouth before shuffling past behind him into the flat. "Hey," she said.
"Hey," Kellin replied, distractedly turning to follow her in. "Uh, why are you still wearing that dress?"
Julia turned to him with her hand on her hip and snapped, "Oh my God, don't even talk about it. I didn't sleep all night because Alice was like, so torn up, she didn't want me to leave or anything. Such a mess."
"Oh," Kellin said, slipping a hand into his pocket.
Julia frowned and walked over towards the fridge. "What's up with you?" She said over her shoulder.
"Nothing," Kellin replied, swallowing to clear his dry mouth. "I'm just tired."
"What time did you leave? You go out with the guys?"
"Yeah," he said, biting his lip as soon as he did.
"You have fun?" She turned back to him with a yogurt in her hand which she peeled open.
He nodded. She found a spoon and started to eat, jumping up onto the side, kicking off her heels as she did, and Kellin looked from where she was sitting to to the table and the chair still pulled out from underneath it and smiled a little.

He walked over to join her, still quiet, still uneasy. Julia pouted and drew him close by the waistband of his jeans, sliding her arms around his neck as she asked,
"Seriously, what's up?"
He touched her gently on the waist and said again, "Nothing, I swear."
She tilted her head to one side, and then glanced at her reflection in the microwave opposite, and he watched as she pursed her lips and fixed her hair. "Is it me? Is it ' cause I look like shit? 'Cause I can't help it, I've had like, two hours sleep, I haven't fixed my make-up..."
"No, it's not that."
"But I know I don't look as pretty when I haven't fixed my make-up."
Kellin paused. She pushed him gently in the chest. "You don't think I look pretty?"
"Yes," he said, quickly, "No, yes, yes I do, you look really pretty."
"Ugh, what is wrong with you," she muttered, jumping down and slipping past him. He turned to look at her.
"Well, I'm gonna go take a shower," she announced, picking up her bag as she headed towards the bathroom. She peeked at him over her shoulder and grinned, "Why don't you come with me?"
"I, um," he started, and suddenly Julia's hand was on her hip again and she was exclaiming,
"So I basically offer to have sex with you and you say, ummmm?"
"Hey," he said, approaching her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "It's not that, I just, I want you to feel good, you go fix yourself up."
She smiled and pecked him on the lips. "Mm, you understand me," she murmured, and then pulled away, slamming the bathroom door shut behind her.

Kellin groaned and found his hands wrapping themselves up in his hair again. His nerves were shot, he felt like he might break and fall to his knees right there and confess everything, but he held himself together and grabbed another coffee, switched on the television so it competed with the radio for volume and banality. Suddenly his phone vibrated and he went to reach for it, eyes landing on the screen at the same moment the bathroom door opened and Julia emerged wrapped in a towel and swathed in steam. He froze and locked it, dropping it onto the sofa away from the blonde's eyes as she moved towards him and murmured,
"You know I swear there was like, way more of my conditioner in there the last time I checked."
Kellin's eyes widened, he opened his mouth and then closed it again.
"Anyways," she went on, running her fingertips across his stomach as she walked past him towards the set of drawers behind him. He turned to watch her but he was too slow, she pulled open a drawer and started rifling right through and he held his breath until she said,
"Hey, where are my..." At which point he forgot to breathe at all. "Baby, I swear I had like-- that grey shirt in here, you know the one with the, um..." She murmured to herself, and all he managed was,
"Um, maybe you forgot you left it at your place?"
"Maybe. I mean I can't find those pants either, I guess like maybe I was wearing them the same day..." She turned to look at him, and with a wicked smile spreading across her face she said, "Well, would you look at that, I don't have anything to wear."
And Kellin already knew she was coming for him as she dropped the towel around her to the floor and giggled, "Well, I guess I don't need any clothes for what we're gonna do, right baby?"

---

The sun was far over in the right of the sky when Demi came out of the bar. Looking up into the sky and stars that were just beginning to show she lit up a cigarette and leaned against the wall, staring up at the patterns and the pictures glittering above her, feeling the weight of exhaustion heavy on her eyelids which, the longer she stared, began to drift downwards. The flash of headlights stirred her and as a familiar car pulled up to the curb she smiled and pushed herself away from the wall, walking around to the passenger side to get in.
"Honey, you look like death."
Demi glanced over to the driver's side and smiled at the round-faced brunette sitting there watching her, and without saying anything she leaned over and placed a friendly kiss on her cheek. "I've had a long day," she said quietly.
"You don't say," said the other woman as she pulled away from the curb, her eyes drifting across Demi's face for a moment before they landed back on the road, but a knowing smile was already in place on her lips. "You had a long night, huh?"
Demi's eyelashes fluttered and she turned her head away to look out the window.
"How was the party?"
"Good," Demi said with a slight shrug of her shoulders.
"Was Kellin there?"
Demi's head spun around and she said defensively, "Yeah. Why?"
"You talk to him?"
Demi faltered.
The brunette repeated her question. "You did something else with him?"
Demi frowned, and glanced into the wing mirror, eyes suddenly wide, scared, a little watery.
"Melinda," she said, trying to sound stern, but her voice wavered far too much.
"Oh, boy," said Melinda, and took a sharp left which threw them both sideways. "When we get home, we're having a talk," she smiled, but somehow it was hollowed out by concern, and the funny thing was, exactly the same smile had settled onto Demi's features, too.