Don't Hesitate

There was a sudden crash. Demi turned her head slowly to one side, peeling her cheek away from the damp cotton it was plastered to, the movement leaving a rocky indent in the pillow as she lifted her head and called out,
"What's up?" Her voice was scratchy and tentative. She rolled onto her side, propped herself up on one elbow to reach for her glasses which she slid onto the bridge of her nose, eyes bright, brown and large behind the thick frames.
"Linda?" She asked again, tying her hair up on her head as she wiped a hand across her eyes which served to stifle a yawn which came up her throat to surprise her, and as she stood, pulling down the hem of her shorts and adjusting her vest top she took a glance in the mirror which told her all she needed to know-- that she looked terrible, that she was pale and grey and tired, and that if she hadn't have finally got a day off she wouldn't have made it into that dark, grimy bar anyway.

"Dem!" A yell came back at her suddenly, and as she crossed the room to open the door it flew open, missing her by inches as she shrieked and leapt back, hissing,
"Holy shit, Linda!"
"Oh my God," Melinda exclaimed, pushing into her room. "Get dressed, get dressed, there's someone here to see you."
"What?" Demi's heart leapt. The first face that flashed across her mind was exactly who she expected, and she dared not breathe for a second as she said, "Danny?"
"What? No," Linda replied, frowning at her over her shoulder, rifling through a pile of clothes tossed over the end of her bed. "Where's that t-shirt you have? You know, the grey V-neck, you look really cute in--" She paused when she realised Demi had stopped moving and was looking instead longingly out the window. Melinda smiled gently and approached her, touched her shoulder as she moved around and said,
"Honey, I know it's hard."
Demi shrugged her shoulders alittle bit and gnawed on the inside of her lip.
"Listen, you don't have to see Kellin if you don't want to, I'm sure he'll--"
"Kellin? What? Kellin's here?"
"Babe, his car only just pulled up, I can go tell him you're at your Mom's or something." Demi looked at the other girl, a look that lingered strangely, left the air around them a little colder as she turned away and sank back down onto her bed.
"I can't deal with him right now," she whispered.
"Can't or won't?" Melinda replied, reaching into a drawer at the dresser before she exclaimed, "Here! I found that shirt."
"Linda," Demi said tiredly, lifting up a hand that wavered at shoulder-height then fell back onto the bed. Melinda extended her arm and waved the the shirt gently beside Demi's face; a little glitter from the motif tumbled onto her cheek and sat there on the sharp curve glistening in the morning light.
"Please," Melinda tried, dropping the shirt on the bed. "Whatever you're thinking, it's not just going to go away. Tell you never want to see him again, whatever you want. Just see him."
Demi glanced at the silver picture frame beside her bed from which two brown faces stared out, all white smiles and bright eyes, a Mediterranean sunset in the background. "It's not him I want to see," she murmured.
"Well," Melinda said, and took a step towards the door. "You should've thought of that before you slept with him."
"Linda."
"I'm going to work," the other girl called, "And I'm going to say hi to Kellin and tell him to come in. And you're going to talk to him." Dark brown eyes threw a poisonous look at the door as it slammed shut then went around and up towards the ceiling before Demi hauled herself up from the bed and rushed over the her mirror, dabbing tentatively beneath her eyes, searching at the same time for something to make her look brighter, prettier, more awake, some miracle product that didn't exist, and some clothes to make her feel any less exposed although she suspected no amount of make-up or dressing was going to make that go away.

She glanced up at herself in the mirror, took in a deep breath that heaved her whole chest up and down, swallowed her uneasiness and tried a smile. She heard a knock at the door. And as she ran downstairs, strolling through the kitchen, pulling on a hoodie, she wanted to ignore it, and she waited until she heard a second one before she took herself to the door and waited there a second, words streaming through her head.
She opened the door and without looking back turned into the room and said dryly, "Hey." A slim hand ran up the nape of her neck to ease the pain it found there, and Kellin followed that hand like he wished it was his own. He shut the door quietly behind him.
"Hey," he said, perfectly still for a moment before he approached her slowly, with careful, deliberate movements. She was like a rabbit that had been spooked, eyes all wide in the headlights of his warm eyes as he reached out a hand and brushed her fringe from her eyes.
Demi lowered her head, adressing the floor as she said, "I kinda didn' t expect you to call." She gestured vaguely at her face. "Um, sorry."
"No," Kellin said quickly, "I shoulda called first."
Demi offered him a tight smile and nodded firmly, pulling her sleeves down over her clenched fists as she turned away and walked towards the kitchenette.
"Uh, make yourself at home," she called, chewing on her lip as she picked up the coffee pot which was slowly turning tepid and got herself a coffee cup. "You want?"
"Sure," Kellin said warmly, coming over to join her. "Wait. Um..." Demi glanced over her shoulder, noticing for the first time the bag he was holding in his hands which she frowned hard at as he took out a packet of Oreos and and slid it across the work top towards her.
She raised an eyebrow.
"What are those for?" She asked.
"No reason. I just, I um, I remembered, y' know, that time in ninth grade when you were like, you loved them so much you said you wanted them instead of a cake on your wedding day."
"I don't remember that."
"What?" Kellin cleared his throat. "Well, uh. I do. I hope you still like them."
Demi rolled her eyes a little and said nothing, poured two cups of coffee which didn't even offer a silvery trail of steam. "Or would you prefer a glass of milk?" She asked sourly.
"What?" Kellin replied.
Demi shook her head and pushed one of the cups towards him. She rolled her shoulders over uneasily and looked down at the floor.
"Listen," Kellin started. Demi swallowed the lump rising in her throat, eyes flickering momentarily, long eyelashes fluttering over slightly dilated pupils, but she did not look up, just watched as the toes of Kellin's Vans inched forwards into her line of sight. "I really want to talk with you."
"About?" Demi's voice was not as sarcastic as she'd hoped.
"Uh," Kellin started, raising his eyebrows as he ruffled his hair. "About Saturday night. You know I really-- I really wasn't expecting anything to happen, I want you to know that, but I just, I really feel like, I'm stoked it happened."
Demi took a sip of her coffee. "Is that right?"
"And I was just, I was really hoping you felt the same way." He set his cup down on the counter top. "Because if you do, then this is going to become a situation, and we're gonna have to do something about it, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out of the two us who felt like that night--"
"Whoa, Kellin, slow down," Demi said, lips parted to take in air to stop her head spinning. She lifted her hand up, palm flat, turned towards him, as if she was telling him to stop. "I don't know how I feel about it."
He faltered and looked down. " I was hoping you weren't gonna say that," he murmured.
"I already told you," Demi said, avoiding meeting Kellin's eyes, "I'm not in a good place right now. That night, maybe I drank a little too much, I was feeling lonely, I was missing Danny..."
Kellin pressed his lips together. "Right." His voice had grown thick, fogged up by emotion, perhaps. "Only, I don't think that's exactly right."
"What?" Demi's eyes finally veered towards Kellin's, and when the two pairs met Kellin drew himself up to his full height and said, a little louder,
"Come on, Dem. That was not the first time I'd thought something was going to happen between us."
"What do you mean?"
"You know. You get it. A billion times, I don't know, at Adam's birthday party when we were eighteen, at Gabe's party when were twenty. We got close."
"Shame I wasn't easy enough, huh, Kellin?" Demi shot back and set her cup down.
"You know I don't mean it like that," he said, frowning, and took a step towards her.
"Then what did you mean?"
"I mean that there's something between us. Don't you think it's worthwhile figuring it out?"
"Right now?" Demi asked, pushing herself away from the counter. "Right now, when we're both with other people, when your band's gotten so big, when I'm trying to make it in an industry that hates me--"
"Maybe it's not great timing."
"You're right. It's not." Demi bit her tongue. "That's why we can't do this."
"You really feel that way," Kellin echoed, and reached out to catch Demi's arm as she went to slip past him. She didn't make it very far, she turned a little to look up at him with tired eyes that needed their sparkle back.
"I really feel that way," she said, shivering a little as Kellin brought his hand up to thumb her cheek.
"So you're gonna let me do this," Kellin said, slipping his fingertips underneath that silky sheet of hair that was beginning to fall away from its tie. "You're gonna let me walk outta here feeling like a dick for having told you what I've been wanting to tell you since I was fifteen."
"Kellin," Demi said softly, her shoulders dropping. "I didn't ask you to tell me."
"Then why did you make me think you felt the same way?" He asked quietly, searchingly, and with a sigh Demi pushed his hand away and finally made her way past.
"That wasn't my idea."
"Then what was your idea, Demi? Why did you come home with me?"
"I've already told you, Kellin, please, just don't," Demi tried, turning back around to face him now that there was a little space between them.
"No, I think I know," he said, and his voice broke as he hissed, "Because of how things are with you right now. Because of how you're feeling. You wanted to take control, you wanted to feel like you were doing something."
"That is not true!" This time it was Demi who marched up to him, pointing her fingertip straight at his chest.
"Then give me a fucking clue, Dem, tell me the god damn truth about the other night! Let me know what I'm feeling right now is the right thing to be feeling."
"What are you feeling?"
"Like-- like my eyes have been opened. Like I've been living blind and now, fuck, I can finally see what I've been missing all this time."
"And what would that be?" Demi retorted, her hand on her hip.
"You, Dem. Your face, your body, your, your everything."
Demi faltered and looked down, slowly shaking her head. She turned her head to one side, the glint of tears in her eyes catching under the light. "You're feeling this after one night together."
"I'm feeling this after years, together, Dem, only, I never saw it before now." Kellin swallowed and ran a hand through his hair.

A sudden sound caught their attention; they turned their heads towards the door through which a couple of letters fell. Without replying Demi went to collect them, and Kellin's eyes followed her slender frame as it swooped down, then straightened up. He watched her pause as her eyes fell on a rectangular brown envelope and took a few steps forwards, finding no resistance as he came within touching distance, close enough to slide his arms around her from behind for a moment feeling like that was it, like he'd finally broken through. But then, over her shoulder, his eyes fell on the letter she was holding, and his chest constricted enough that he couldn't breathe for a moment.
"It's..." Demi started. She turned in Kellin's arms, lips parted forming a loose 'o', her eyes slowly making their way up his face. His kiss hit her with all the force of a wave slamming into the shore, took what little breath she had left right out of her, and she swayed a little as it finished.
"You want me to leave," he whispered.
"I," Demi murmured, leaning her forehead against his for a moment, feeling their breath mingle before she nodded and drew back. "I need to read this first."
Kellin glanced down at the envelope and nodded. "It's him, isn't it." He pulled away and pressed his lips together, nodding resolutely. "It's him over me. That's it."
Demi said nothing as he pushed his hair from his face and opened the door again, stepping on the other envelopes still left lying there, leaving a faint dusty imprint on the clean white paper. "Don't forget your cookies," he said with an ironic smile as he let himself out, and Demi wanted badly to be able to move as she heard him move away on the other side of the door but she couldn't, she listened for his footsteps to fade before she slid into the seat beside the window and watched his car pull away as she scrambled to open the letter, hands trembling slightly as she did.

There wasn't a lot written on the sheet of paper, a few spindly lines which lay behind a few photographs which had been paper-clipped to the top corner. She read with one hand covering her mouth.

Hey baby. Tried writing to you sooner but we been real busy since we arrived. My conex is kinda cosy but I'm sharin with a guy I did BT with. The base got mortared twice since we been here but Im OK. Its really hot and we all sweating our asses off on patrol but thinkin of you is keeping me going, I cant wait to see you when I'm home. Sendin you some photos I took of the town when I got here, maybe you can send me some pics of you so I don't just got to keep thinkin, if you know what I mean. I love you baby and when sergeant says Ill call you.
Danny xxxx

Demi peeled the photographs away, took a brief look at the deserted dusty streets with crumbled unkempt buildings and rusting cars, and then dropped the letter onto her lap before she leapt to her feet and stepped up to the window. She watched Kellin's car disappear at the end of the street and pressed a hand to her forehead, and let out a long sigh.