Status: One Shot :)
What You Live for Now is Dead
We're all Told that When We Die we Leave To A Better Place
"I'm sorry Andy, but we're done."
I felt my world come crashing down as I heard those two words I never expected to hear.
"What?" I asked, even though I understood far too well.
"I said we were done," he repeated sounding out each word as if I were mentally impaired.
I couldn't help it, tears began to stream down my face.
"Wh-why?" I started to cry even harder.
"Because. I just can't take any of this anymore. I have to go, bye." with that he disconnected the call.
"Ashley. Ashley. Ashley. Please don't leave me. Don't fucking leave me!" I cried out into an empty receiver.
I woke up with a start. The room around me was dark, barely any light coming from the window. I clicked a button on my phone, lighting up the room slightly, giving me the time.
1:16 in the morning.
It was just a nightmare, I told myself to no use. The tears started to fall as my half asleep mind started to wake up. It wasn't just any nightmare. It was a replay of what had happened just a few months earlier.
I sat up, the darkness surrounding me as my phone clicked off. Thinking over the events of the last few months was something I tried not to do.
It was in 9th grade when I met Ashley. I barely knew him, but something in me just clicked when I saw him. I instantly fell in love with him. Love at first sight.
We went out for two years, when he broke up with me. It came so suddenly, I couldn't think. A week later he started going out with this girl I always hated; and they continue to date.
The day we broke up I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would never forget him. I would continue to wait for him no matter how much it hurt. In my mind, Ashley was worth it.
I couldn't take it anymore. The sobs were building up in my chest, breathing was getting harder. It physically hurt to break down like this, to know I couldn't claim him as mine anymore.
What Ashley and I had wasn't your everyday puppy love. It was real. I had given him my life, and I meant every word of it.
Reaching over I opened the drawer to my bedside table. I rifled through the random items in there before my fingers came in contact with a piece of cold metal.
I pulled down my pajama pants, holding the razor in my hand. It was dark; I could barely see. I pressed the sharp edge to my thigh and ran it across the skin.
I repeated it three more times before tossing it back in the drawer. Within seconds my leg felt wet. Using my phone as a light, I illuminated the cuts. My entire upper thigh was already soaked in blood. I hadn't been able to see how deep I cut. Sighing I pulled my pajama pants up, not even attempting to stop the bleeding.
I grabbed my iPod, putting the headphones in before clicking shuffle.
A song by KISS started playing, but I wasn't paying attention to which. I picked up my cell phone and opened up the window for a new message.
"God dammit! I can't take this anymore. You are hanging out with me tomorrow after school, and I'm not taking no for an answer! Understand? There is something I need to talk to you about, and I don't give a shit if you have plans with your fucking girlfriend." I tapped Ashley's name and sent him the message.
After a few minutes I felt myself getting lightheaded before I drifted off into unconsciousness.
---
When I opened my eyes again, it was light out. It was Monday morning, meaning I had to get to school.
I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans and a hoodie, not really caring about my appearance. I used only the smallest amount of eyeliner before grabbing my messenger bag and heading out the door to the bus stop.
I looked at my phone and saw I had a message from Ashley. He rarely replied to me anymore. He barely talked to me. He barely looked at me. Yet he told me he still loved me.
I clicked on the message, reading it.
"K."
---
"Let's go," I told Ashley.
It was after school, his pathetic excuse of a girlfriend was begging him to come home with her. She hated me, and obviously didn't like the idea of Ash spending time with me.
"Coming," he kissed her goodbye. I felt tears fill my eyes. No, I told myself. This was exactly why I was doing this.
We walked for nearly 30 minutes towards the quiet fields of the middle school in absolute silence. I didn't try to say anything and he just went through his phone.
When we finally reached the field, I sat on the grass across from him.
"Okay, what did you want?" he asked, not even looking at me.
"Tell me that you don't love me anymore."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"But...I do love you."
"God dammit Ashley! Don't you understand? I can't do this anymore. I never thought I could hurt this much. I promised myself I would wait as long as it took, but I can't fucking do this anymore!"
"Okay."
"Fucking tell me."
"I don't love you anymore," he sighed
"Not good enough. Tell me why. Why don't you love me? I have to believe with every fiber in my body that you don't love me. I have to know there's no turning back." I looked into his eyes. He was finally looking at me.
"I... I- Andy, I don't love yo-. I. I can't. I still love you. It's just not right for you to love me back."
I held back a scream.
"Listen to me Purdy," I grabbed his shoulders. "You have to fucking get over me. You tell me to move on, yet here you are holding on to me. And you aren't doing anything about it. Let the fuck go of me and move on with your life. You have better people, you don't fucking need me!" I shouted at him.
"I need you to stop fucking hurting me. I can't take it. It's tearing me apart. I already know what I'm going to do about it. But I need you to let go too. Forget about me. This conversation wasn't about me, it was always about you! I l love you! Get it through your fucking head that I will always love you, but I can't keep living in my own world of misery. I'm too weak to let go on my own. Tell me you don't love me anymore. Tell me you fucking hate me!" I shouted at him.
"Do you want to know the truth?" he shouted back at me. "I don't love you! I never fucking loved you! I felt bad for you and got caught in a relationship with you! I'm finally out of it, I'm free Andy. Do you hear me? I never loved you Andrew Biersack!"
I stood up and dusted the grass off of my jeans.
"Thanks. That's all I needed." I started to walk off.
"Where are you going?" he asked me.
"I'm letting go."
"Letting go off what?!"
"Life."
I walked towards the street. The middle school was right next to the busiest road in town. Without warning I stepped off the curb and into the road. I heard the screech of tires and felt the impact of cold metal against my body.
I felt pain, an intense pain that the dictionary has no words for. I felt the ground hit my head as I fell backwards.
"Andy!" I heard Ashley's voice yell out. In the distance I could hear the shocked murmur of voices and the wailing of sirens.
I had told myself I would always stay strong. I would never be one to give in. I promised myself that I would start a band whose meaning was to never stop believing in yourself. I had promised myself that I would start a band that would represent the ultimate outcasts. I should stop making promises I couldn't keep.
I felt like I couldn't breathe, my lungs on the edge of collapse. I found Ashley's face in a sea of people, and with what felt like my last breath I whispered, "I love you."
Then everything went black.
I felt my world come crashing down as I heard those two words I never expected to hear.
"What?" I asked, even though I understood far too well.
"I said we were done," he repeated sounding out each word as if I were mentally impaired.
I couldn't help it, tears began to stream down my face.
"Wh-why?" I started to cry even harder.
"Because. I just can't take any of this anymore. I have to go, bye." with that he disconnected the call.
"Ashley. Ashley. Ashley. Please don't leave me. Don't fucking leave me!" I cried out into an empty receiver.
I woke up with a start. The room around me was dark, barely any light coming from the window. I clicked a button on my phone, lighting up the room slightly, giving me the time.
1:16 in the morning.
It was just a nightmare, I told myself to no use. The tears started to fall as my half asleep mind started to wake up. It wasn't just any nightmare. It was a replay of what had happened just a few months earlier.
I sat up, the darkness surrounding me as my phone clicked off. Thinking over the events of the last few months was something I tried not to do.
It was in 9th grade when I met Ashley. I barely knew him, but something in me just clicked when I saw him. I instantly fell in love with him. Love at first sight.
We went out for two years, when he broke up with me. It came so suddenly, I couldn't think. A week later he started going out with this girl I always hated; and they continue to date.
The day we broke up I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would never forget him. I would continue to wait for him no matter how much it hurt. In my mind, Ashley was worth it.
I couldn't take it anymore. The sobs were building up in my chest, breathing was getting harder. It physically hurt to break down like this, to know I couldn't claim him as mine anymore.
What Ashley and I had wasn't your everyday puppy love. It was real. I had given him my life, and I meant every word of it.
Reaching over I opened the drawer to my bedside table. I rifled through the random items in there before my fingers came in contact with a piece of cold metal.
I pulled down my pajama pants, holding the razor in my hand. It was dark; I could barely see. I pressed the sharp edge to my thigh and ran it across the skin.
I repeated it three more times before tossing it back in the drawer. Within seconds my leg felt wet. Using my phone as a light, I illuminated the cuts. My entire upper thigh was already soaked in blood. I hadn't been able to see how deep I cut. Sighing I pulled my pajama pants up, not even attempting to stop the bleeding.
I grabbed my iPod, putting the headphones in before clicking shuffle.
A song by KISS started playing, but I wasn't paying attention to which. I picked up my cell phone and opened up the window for a new message.
"God dammit! I can't take this anymore. You are hanging out with me tomorrow after school, and I'm not taking no for an answer! Understand? There is something I need to talk to you about, and I don't give a shit if you have plans with your fucking girlfriend." I tapped Ashley's name and sent him the message.
After a few minutes I felt myself getting lightheaded before I drifted off into unconsciousness.
---
When I opened my eyes again, it was light out. It was Monday morning, meaning I had to get to school.
I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans and a hoodie, not really caring about my appearance. I used only the smallest amount of eyeliner before grabbing my messenger bag and heading out the door to the bus stop.
I looked at my phone and saw I had a message from Ashley. He rarely replied to me anymore. He barely talked to me. He barely looked at me. Yet he told me he still loved me.
I clicked on the message, reading it.
"K."
---
"Let's go," I told Ashley.
It was after school, his pathetic excuse of a girlfriend was begging him to come home with her. She hated me, and obviously didn't like the idea of Ash spending time with me.
"Coming," he kissed her goodbye. I felt tears fill my eyes. No, I told myself. This was exactly why I was doing this.
We walked for nearly 30 minutes towards the quiet fields of the middle school in absolute silence. I didn't try to say anything and he just went through his phone.
When we finally reached the field, I sat on the grass across from him.
"Okay, what did you want?" he asked, not even looking at me.
"Tell me that you don't love me anymore."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"But...I do love you."
"God dammit Ashley! Don't you understand? I can't do this anymore. I never thought I could hurt this much. I promised myself I would wait as long as it took, but I can't fucking do this anymore!"
"Okay."
"Fucking tell me."
"I don't love you anymore," he sighed
"Not good enough. Tell me why. Why don't you love me? I have to believe with every fiber in my body that you don't love me. I have to know there's no turning back." I looked into his eyes. He was finally looking at me.
"I... I- Andy, I don't love yo-. I. I can't. I still love you. It's just not right for you to love me back."
I held back a scream.
"Listen to me Purdy," I grabbed his shoulders. "You have to fucking get over me. You tell me to move on, yet here you are holding on to me. And you aren't doing anything about it. Let the fuck go of me and move on with your life. You have better people, you don't fucking need me!" I shouted at him.
"I need you to stop fucking hurting me. I can't take it. It's tearing me apart. I already know what I'm going to do about it. But I need you to let go too. Forget about me. This conversation wasn't about me, it was always about you! I l love you! Get it through your fucking head that I will always love you, but I can't keep living in my own world of misery. I'm too weak to let go on my own. Tell me you don't love me anymore. Tell me you fucking hate me!" I shouted at him.
"Do you want to know the truth?" he shouted back at me. "I don't love you! I never fucking loved you! I felt bad for you and got caught in a relationship with you! I'm finally out of it, I'm free Andy. Do you hear me? I never loved you Andrew Biersack!"
I stood up and dusted the grass off of my jeans.
"Thanks. That's all I needed." I started to walk off.
"Where are you going?" he asked me.
"I'm letting go."
"Letting go off what?!"
"Life."
I walked towards the street. The middle school was right next to the busiest road in town. Without warning I stepped off the curb and into the road. I heard the screech of tires and felt the impact of cold metal against my body.
I felt pain, an intense pain that the dictionary has no words for. I felt the ground hit my head as I fell backwards.
"Andy!" I heard Ashley's voice yell out. In the distance I could hear the shocked murmur of voices and the wailing of sirens.
I had told myself I would always stay strong. I would never be one to give in. I promised myself that I would start a band whose meaning was to never stop believing in yourself. I had promised myself that I would start a band that would represent the ultimate outcasts. I should stop making promises I couldn't keep.
I felt like I couldn't breathe, my lungs on the edge of collapse. I found Ashley's face in a sea of people, and with what felt like my last breath I whispered, "I love you."
Then everything went black.