Incantation

The room was crowded, and I could already pick out one or two girls who were watching me. I smiled, looking down at the floor and the cold beer in my hands. This was going to be a good night.

Just like every other, I thought to myself.

"Op, heads up man go this way." I grabbed Jared's arm and pulled him towards a hallway opposed to the kitchen.

"What? Did you see someone?"

I let out a soft laugh. "Yeah, a girl I um, yeah-"

"Oh, so a girl you fucked?"

"Well-"

"So yes," Jared laughed, taking a sip of his beer, "what was her name, John?"

I shook my head, laughing. Jared loved this game whenever we saw a girl I knew. By "knew", he was right. I let the beer drip down my throat, hoping that I wouldn't forget this night or this conversation. As I said, he was right. I wasn't exactly a "boyfriend" type of guy and hadn't been for ages. I was the "fling" type. And by the looks girl's around the room were starting to give me, the reputation was going to carry into tonight as it appeared. I smiled at a pretty blonde in the corner laughing with her friends and she smiled back.

Jared rolled his eyes as his attention switched to something else in the corner of the room. "Oh, wait, dude who is that with Tessa? Is that Telly?"

"What?" My eyes peeled away from the pretty blonde as my heart nearly thudded against my chest. I gripped my beer in my hands and looked where Jared was pointing. I nearly dropped my beer on the floor.

There she was. Messy brown hair draped over a little sundress, a smile on her red lips and her eyes glowing. I hadn't seen them in ages. I hadn't seen her.

I gulped. "Yeah, I think that's her."

"Well I'm gonna go say hi!" Jared said excitedly before realizing my expression. "Sorry man, it's just been so long and I didn't think she'd ever come back after-"

"No worries. I get it."

Jared nodded, not meeting my eyes as he walked through the crowd of drunken, dancing bodies toward his girlfriend and the beautiful brunette. I watched the girl, her hands grasping a red solo cup and her mouth in a constant smile. God, she looked amazing. But she still had that same daring look in her eye, the one that had such an excitement for life.

The last time I saw that look was the last time I saw her.

And for a split second, her deep brown eyes met with mine before quickly looking away. And in that second, that look went away. I received a much different glare.

I bit my lip. It didn't matter. Telly and I: we didn't matter and hadn't for a long time. I had let go of her a long, long time ago. I wasn't the same person anymore. I liked this me a lot more, I convinced myself. But with that thought came an ache in my heart.

"Hi there." I looked down, seeing the pretty blonde below me.

I forced out a smile, ready to say the same things I did every night. The same lines, those loose words that tied together like truth but underneath, were a sweet lie that no girl bothered to see through.

The girl appeared to be the same as usual: pretty. Somewhat charming. Very touchy. Very, very easy. I wanted to pay attention to her, to the kisses she was laying on my neck and to the way she kept whispering in my ear, but I couldn't keep my eyes away from the brown-eyed girl in the corner. I wanted her to look at me, to see me, to see I was okay without her. That other girls wanted me. And every so often, Telly did look. But I didn't get the satisfactory feeling I desired.

"John?"

I was brought back from my thoughts as I looked down at the girl. "Uh, yeah, sorry?"

She took my collar in her fingers. "Want to go upstairs?"

"Um," I nodded quickly, finishing off my beer. "Yes. Yes. I do. Can I meet you up there? I'll get us a drink."

"Don't be long." The girl, whose name escaped me, whispered in my ear before walking up the stairs beside us.

I walked over to the drinks, knowing if anything tonight I needed more alcohol. I leaned down in the cooler, grabbing what I needed.

"Can you grab me a Corona?"

"Corona..." I nodded, peeling my eyes over the drinks and grabbing the right can, "yeah, here-" I paused, looking up into those big brown eyes. "Telly. Hi. Here."

She nodded quickly. "Thanks John. It's nice to see you."

"You too." I meant it. "I missed you." I meant that more than anything I'd ever said in my entire life.

Telly nodded again. "I missed you too. How are you?"

We began to walk slowly outside to the porch, my eyes burning into her skin as she carefully looked away from me, trying her best not to look at me. I wondered if this hurt for her as much as it hurt for me.

"I'm doing well. I'll be back in town for a bit. How's everything with you?"

I smiled, leaning over the railing of the porch and looking out into the backyard of the house as Telly did the same. "It's good. I'll have to tell Jenny you're in town, she misses you."

"I never really got to say good bye to her." Telly said, almost as if she was just realizing the truth of the statement for herself. "So the family is good too?"

"Oh, they're great. I think Shane misses you the most."

"Just cause I helped him with this math." Telly laughed, making me laugh. God I missed her laugh. "And you were never any help."

I gawked over at her. "Hey! I had other talents."

"Like what? Like making your fingers go numb?"

"It's a favorite party trick! You always enjoyed it."

Telly laughed, rolling her eyes and finally looking at me. "I did miss you John."

I felt my heart turning in my chest. As I looked at her now, I was certain of two things: One, I still had feelings for her. Deep feelings, the kind that didn't go away as much as you tried. And god knows I've tried and am still trying. And two, that there was still a piece of my heart gone from when she left.

"Why'd you leave?"

Telly looked at me sternly. "John, come on-"

"No," I shook my head quickly, "please, Telly. Why did you leave me?"

She let out a breath, turning towards me and looking straight into my eyes. We were both staring at each other with hurt, with pain, with emotion that we'd never gotten over. It made my stomach twist.

"You know why I left you, John."

"No," I said, laughing, "I obviously don't. Telly, I missed you everyday. You were my best friend, you were my girlfriend-"

"You couldn't be honest. You could never tell me what you felt, or what you wanted-"

"I WANTED YOU." I was yelling now, taking a step towards her. There was too much passion, too much emotion that had been building inside me since she left those two years ago.

Telly shook her head softly. "You let me go, John. You didn't fight."

"You're the one that left, Tel."

"I just wanted to know you loved me," her voice trembled making my heart break inside my chest, "and you couldn't say it, you couldn't do it. You still can't. But at least the John I knew then was a decent man-"

I scoffed. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I have no fucking idea who you are anymore." A tear rolled down her cheek as she took a step toward me, looking deep into my eyes. "People told me so many things, I just didn't want to believe them. But I saw tonight John, and they're right. All you are is an empty promise, a fake smile, and impossible love. I'm not falling for you again, John. I see straight through you, always have."

I opened my eyes widely. "Oh, do you?"

"I don't think you even know who've become John." Telly shook her head quickly. "You're alone."

I bit my lip as it began to tremble. She was wrong. She had to be wrong. I was confident, I could have anyone I wanted, I was the life of the party. In a crowded room, I was the person you saw. I knew who I was, right? I liked who I was. I did. I had to. I knew myself. Somewhere, I did.

"You're the one that broke my heart, Telly."

She nodded. "And you're the one that decided not to fix it."

With that she turned, starting to walk away just as she had two years ago when she told me she was moving for college and we were done. The scene replayed in my head, her thin body wearing a different sun dress walking out of my room, tears streaming her cheeks, my body perched on my bed as I fought the urge to tell her everything. That I was in love her, the same as now.

I took a breath as I grabbed her hand, pulling her back towards me.

"You're the only person I've ever loved." I whispered, tipping her chin up so she would look at me. "And I still do. I mean it. That's not empty, or fake, or impossible. That's the truth."

Telly looked up at me as I tear streamed down her cheek. Slowly her lips met mine, my entire body glowing as I kissed her back.

"I'd do anything for you, Telly."

She nodded slowly. "You're just," she paused. "You're two years too late."

"No, please, Telly, no just-"

"I'm sorry John." She began to walk away, her hand slowly leaving mine. At the same time, it felt like all the air in my lungs had left my body. "I just don't know you anymore."

A tear rolled down my cheek and I stepped toward her. "I'll change, please, I'd do anything, just don't leave me again. Don't let me go, I miss you please I fucking love you-"

"I let go a long time ago." Telly whispered.

And then she left quickly, before I could stop her, before I could tell her more, more of how ever since the day I met her in high school, I loved her. How I'd imagined our life together, and how that stupid kid two years ago was too stupid to see what he had. And how I did hate who I was, I hated this island I'd become, and how I felt alone everywhere because she wasn't mine.

But she wasn't mine anymore. She didn't love me. I didn't love me. I hated everything about me. But mostly I hated how I'd lost her for a second time, and this time, I'd meant every word.

"John?"

I turned my back, shaking my head quickly as the tears strained down my face. "She left again man, god, what am I doing? What did I do?"

Jared ran up and hugged me as I tried to control myself, but all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to peel back my skin, to let go of whoever I had formed myself into being. I felt disgusting.

"You're gonna be ok." Jared looked at me. "Come on, I'll take you home."

But I knew that my home was brown hair, brown eyes, red lipstick, and a laugh that brought a smile to my lips. My home was the most beautiful, most amazing girl in the entire world.

I realized that I lost my home, and myself, a very long time ago.