Little Lady

I remember the first time I talked to her.

"You've got quite the mustache there."

My eyes turned, meeting the gaze of the barista, her hand on her chin while the other rested on her hip. I smiled, her golden eyes meeting mine for a moment.

"Um, thanks." I said, nodding, "I worked hard on it."

She nodded slowly. "So how much did it cost at the pet store?"

"Excuse me?"

"Ya know," she motioned towards my facial hair, "to buy that rat for your upper lip."

I could still see her now: that messy pixie cut, those cherry red lips that parted into the brightest smile, the shy why she hid her face. I could hear her soft, chirpy voice apologizing and telling me she was only kidding before introducing herself.

Ever since, I'd gone back to that coffee shop every second I could just to see Mattie. And everyday, I found more and more reasons why she was one of the more special people I'd ever met.

She thought as I was strange too.

"You're such a dork." Mattie would laugh at me as she handed me my coffee.

Each time I would nod slowly, smirking before retorting with a sassy: "Back atcha, bitch."

The thing about Mattie was that I didn't have to really pretend around her. Everything came naturally, easy. It was probably due to the fact that Mattie was the most understanding, thoughtful person I'd ever known. I would sit on a stool by the counter of the shop, just listening to her talk and laughing with her as she worked.

Mattie had become one of my best friends.

One thing that I couldn't remember though was the first time I met Savannah.

I knew it must have been in preschool, or kindergarten. She swears I made the first move, asking her about blocks or Where's Waldo?, but something tells me it was her. I do remember being dared to ask her out in the sixth grade. I remember kissing her for the first time to now and most things in between.

Savannah had been my girlfriend for as long as I could remember.

I remember, regrettably, the day Mattie met Savannah.

I was sitting on my stool, eating a leftover muffin, watching as Mattie cleaned out the shelves and moved all the money in the cash register.

We were debating Harry Potter.

"I don't know man, Neville's kind of a pussy-"

I shook my head quickly. "Up until the fucking end, and that's the point! He totally mans up and finds his badass-"

"Nah, Luna is definitely my overall hero. She's always right and she always knows how to motivate everyone else. Neville just had to motivate himself."

"Luna's always like that though." I pointed to Mattie as she laughed. "Neville overcame so much!"

Mattie opened her mouth, ready to retort, as the door chimed open. I immediately froze, my body glued to the stool as Mattie smiled.

"I'm sorry, we're closed."

"Savannah!" I said awkwardly as my girlfriend walked over. Mattie paused, looking at me with a confused glance. I couldn't look back at her. Savannah walked over, planting a soft kiss on my cheek, "This is my um," I paused, "Mattie. Mattie, this is my," another pause, "girlfriend Savannah."

Mattie smiled shyly before shaking her hand, Savannah's lips thin. "It's nice to meet you. Garrett's told me so much about you."

Which was a lie, as I'd never mentioned Savannah and never did even after that day. And accordingly, neither did Mattie.

I sat on my stool now watching her do the same thing: clean out the store after closing, a double chocolate chip muffin in my hands. Mattie was telling me about the weird customers of the day, making me laugh. Mattie never tried to be funny; she didn't have to. She just was. I wondered if Mattie was conscience of how much I admired her for almost everything she did.

I showed my appreciation for her by shaving.

"I got a lot of compliments on my dress though." Mattie smiled, looking down at it and twirling a bit. The dress was floral, kind of old fashioned. It fit her small body amazingly. "It makes me want to go dancing."

I smiled. "You look beautiful."

"Aw, look at you bein' sweet."

"I speak the truth." Mattie tried to hide her ride cheeks, making me smile even wider. I looked over at the record player, the soft hum of bad acoustics coming out. Quickly I jumped off of my stool and ran over, peeling through the stack of vinyls on a shelf over it.

"What are you doing?"

"Ah, here we are." I smiled, looking over at Mattie and holding out my hand, "You say you'd like to dance?"

Mattie blushed again. "No, Garrett, really I'm not very good-"

"And you think I am?" I walked behind the counter and took her soft hands in my rough ones, leading her over to the couch/carpet area of the shop. "Come on now, we'll go slow."

The record kicked in and soon the coffee shop was filled with the chime of Ryan Adams, bring a smile to Mattie's lips. I laughed, one her hands placed softly on my shoulder and the other in my hand. I gave her a slight twirl, making her giggle. Mattie slid back to me and we rocked back in forth. It was almost like I could feel the world running by. I knew it was still moving outside but for know it was just me and her, dancing to Ryan Adams in an empty coffee house.

Some people never find the love, some people never find the love.

Soon the instrumental part of the song kicked in, Mattie's gold eyes meeting mine. There was such a light inside of them. I could tell just by looking she was happy. I hoped she saw the same in mine. Her head found it's way to my chest, both her hands reaching up to my neck.

I let out a breath, planting a soft kiss on the top of her head as we swayed in sync, letting the music take us over. With every note of the guitar, with every beat, all I felt was Mattie, her body pressed onto mine as I held her close. All I knew was this moment.

"You're a dork." Mattie whispered softly, making me laugh.

"Back atcha, bitch."

Her eyes closed. "I like that I can be a dork with you."

"Me too." I nodded slowly. "I think you're the fucking bees knees."

She laughed. "You're the cat's pajamas, Gare."

I smiled, planting another soft kiss on her head. "Do you even know how awesome you are, Mattie? I mean, you're like really freakin' awesome. Like, I'd dance alone with you in a deserted coffee shop at midnight. And I wouldn't do that with just anyone."

"I'm glad I hold that spot." Mattie said. I could tell she was deep in thought.

"Whatcha thinking about?"

She paused. "Can I ask you a question?"

I laughed, looking down at her for a moment, our bodies still swaying. "Sure, anything."

"Do you um," Mattie paused, "are you in love with Savannah?"

It was my turn to pause. I stopped holding her so close for a moment and Mattie loosened her grip on my neck so she could look at me, her hands laying themselves on my chest as she stared up at me.

"Mattie, I don't know what to say."

"What do you mean? It's like a yes or no kind of thing."

"Just like," I paused, "why do want to know? Why does it matter?"

She bit her lip. "I just need to know. Please, do you?"

I took a minute, my eyes looking deep into her golden gaze. I couldn't stop looking at her. She looked at me with such honesty and every moment I stared I became more and more convinced that I knew her.

"We've been dating for eight years Mattie, I mean I've probably spent more time with her than anyone. Ever. I think she knows me the best. I know like, everything about her."

Mattie nodded. "That's great and all, but it doesn't answer the question."

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I'm madly in love with her or do you want me to tell you that I'm not? What would make you happy?"

"The truth."

"Right," I nodded as she let go of my completely. "I do love her. I do. Always have."

Mattie nodded again. "Just, who are you convincing?"

"You're the one that asked!"

"And you're the one that couldn't answer." She whispered. "I'm not afraid of the truth, Garrett. But I am afraid that I'm going to fall in love with you for nothing. I'm afraid it's already too late."

I stopped, looking over at her, her hand on her chin as her cheeks turned red and her eyes started to well up. I looked over at Mattie's small body, her innocent, happy face and red lips, and I knew that it was already too late.

"I have to go." I said slowly.

Mattie forced out a smile as I stepped toward her, kissing her forehead softly as she whispered: "Okay."

I grabbed my coat of my stool and walked towards the door, pausing as I gripped the handle. I didn't want to hear it's chime. I wanted to stay here, to dance with Mattie, to feel the world spinning as mine stopped just because I was with her. I wanted to tell her that it was too late for me. That I was in the deep end for her, and I was drowning.

"I think it was too late for me the day I met you Mattie." I whispered. "You deserve more than this."

And with that I left, practically running back to my apartment a block away. I couldn't do it, I couldn't be honest, I couldn't say what I wanted to because I was too afraid. I couldn't be the man she needed. I wasn't cavalier, I wasn't brave. Mattie was brave, she'd always been brave.

As I walked into my apartment, I threw down my coat and immediately walked into my bedroom, letting my body fall onto my bed as I let out a sigh.

"You're home late."

I turned to see Savannah's body laying down beside me, facing the wall. I nodded and moved over, kissing her cheek and cuddling her closer to me.

"Sorry. Band stuff." I lied. "Are you okay?"

"I'm great. I missed you is all."

I nodded slowly. "You too."

"Good night Garrett." Savannah closed her eyes. "I love you."

I held her hand, ready to repeat the words back. But they stuck in my throat. And that's when I realized what Mattie meant. I did love Savannah and I always would: that was the truth. But loved and loving were too very different things, and as I looked down at the beautiful sleeping girl, I knew that one belong to her and one belonged to a different girl.

I knew that I wasn't the victim. I knew that this was my problem that I needed to set right. I knew that the girl in front of me know was amazing and beautiful and I never thought I'd ever doubt her. And maybe without Mattie, I never would have. But shit happens for a reason.

"Savannah?" I said slowly.

"Yeah Gare?"

I let out a breath, finding my courage, and telling Savannah what she needed to know. I did love her. I just couldn't be blind anymore.

"We need to talk."