Drowned in Your Eyes

A quiet, modest room. Drawn curtains. It was a room like many other, like mine.
I was sitting on the bed. How much time has passed? An hour, two? It didn't matter anymore.
A laugh in another room. Whose? I wasn't sure if I was able to answer. Maybe the laugh was only my figment of imagination.

Wait, no.
No, no, no.

I guess it was … It was just me; I was existing a little less. The corporeality of that laugh overwhelmed me unexpectedly, without any warning. Once someone said that when people forgot about a person's existence, it was something like a murder. It seems to me that there's more truth than anyone could suppose.

The will of detecting, the will of a look, your goddamn look.
I'd be so vain if I didn't need it so much.

I could look for a reason for my life. It's said that everyone should have one. A love, a friendship, a job, a passion… Your touch, your touch, so empty, empty touch.

I sighed and the laugh hushed.
I knew there was no one home. Maybe it was just the TV, the eternal friend without ears.
For a while it seemed I could hear Brian's voice. Maybe he was performing. Or maybe it was just me, maybe just a part of my insanity.

I don't want you to say, pelasepleaseplease, don't say anything anymore.

I hated his voice; I didn't want to hear it again. It was probably because I knew he would never say anything to me, I would never hear he loves me, he needs me, and I am everything for him.
Is this the end?
Again?
I didn't want to hear my death. Not for the second time.

For a moment I was trying to memorize our last talk, when he was talking that it would be the best. He was repeating I should just take my clothes and go away because it was the end. I remembered his look. His eyes in which I could always lose myself. I finally drown. Looking at me as at an idiot, he was just waiting for me to disappear. Or maybe he knew you were looking at someone who was dying? I drown, I drown in his eyes.

You warned me, you said it in the beginning.
Did I regret?

No.
Didn't I?

I slowly stood up and forced myself to take my eyes from the white wall.
I felt like it was devouring me.
Strange, just like everything.
I opened the window and the first thing that hit me was the biting cold. It was snowing. I recalled how much I hated winter. I felt like I started shivering. Breathe in, exhalation… Do drowned people breathe?
You had so beautiful eyes.
I closed the door and headed to the bathroom. My body was anew warming up and I stood in front of the mirror.
I brushed away my black dreadlocks. Dreadlocks, always the same.
I saw my bluish gray face. Shadows under my eyes, bloodshot whites. How much time was I asleep? How many sleepless nights were behind me? I couldn't count it.
I felt terror. I hardly recognized the person I saw.

When were my eyes shining joyfully for the last time?
When was I smiling, laughing?

My skinny hand touched a strangely heated surface. It seemed that if I only wanted to, I could deform my reflection like a heated glass. No, I couldn't. I knew I would be never able to do it.

Just the tears flowing down my cheeks, water, water, water.

Did I regret all those years spent with you?
Did I regret taking the risk?
Didn't I?
No. No, I didn't.

And I drown in his eyes.