It Was Always You.

Brendon rustled under the sheets restlessly. I sighed as I watched from the doorway, a mug of warm tea in my hands. His brows furrowed and his face twisted into a sour expression. I knew what was happening- a nightmare- but I didn’t want to stop something I knew I couldn’t prevent unless I startled him. I blew away the steam from my tea and took a sip, my eyes still locked on Bren.

It had been a few years after graduation and Panic! had gone viral. Bren and I were still together, not married, no plans whatsoever. But I applied and got accepted to an art institute in Washington before graduation. Brendon wanted me to go so badly he even moved up and bought us a place to live. My twin brother, Michael, stayed in Las Vegas to study with the rest of the family and the other three members of Panic! Bren made sure I was comfortable with what life threw at us.

Painting at the institute had become so much fun. All of the teachers and new people I encountered were so nice, so new, and so different. I made a completely new best friend named Kyoko. She was my stable boulder. When shit was happening with Bren and I, Kyo would take me out and we’d go shopping for more art supplies. She wasn't a painter, rather a talented sculptor. We met in the art department one afternoon after finals.

Bren made some weird noises and my eyes peered upwards from my tea to see him stretching. I walked over to the bed, sitting down the mug on the nightstand and snuggled into the bed with the boy.

“Morning sweetie,” Bren muttered in his morning voice, kissing my lips softly.

“Morning my Bren,” I sighed, sliding the covers over my chilled legs.

He pulled me close and rubbed his cheek against mine. The stubble that had grown overnight scratched against my skin, making it raw. He knew it was something I absolutely loved. He put his fingers in my brown tangles and kissed me again.

“Lo-Lo,” he murmured, “I just want to say I love you very much.”

A smile spread across my lips. His mimicked mine. “I love you too, Bren-Bear.”

My words were quieter than normal. This was a bit different for me. I had never had a boyfriend before Brendon and here we were, a few years into our relationship, and this was the first time I had used the dreaded ‘l-word’.

***
“Harlow!” Mike screamed through the phone. I pulled it away from my ear and stared at the screen before putting it back on my ear.

“What?” I asked.

“You two are too perfect. Just get married already. JESUS!”

I could imagine my brother throwing his hands up and then pretending to pull his hair out.

“You think so? I don’t believe Brendon would be ready for that…” I sighed.

“Don’t think Brendon would be ready for what, Lo?” Brendon questioned, walking up behind me and pulling me around for a kiss.

“EW, I’M ENDING THIS NOW!” Mike screamed before he hit the end button.

At this point, I didn’t blame Mike for leaving me in these kinds of situations- even if he did bring up the fact that Brendon and I should be married by now.

“They’re pestering me again. I bet Mom has him asking me these things…” My voice trailed off as Brendon’s face turned to me questioningly, again.

“You know I’m waiting for the perfect time, right, Lo-Bear?” He asked.

I nodded solemnly as he kissed my forehead and rubbed my shoulder.

“We could be together forever and never get married. You know I love you and that’s that.”

I sighed and realized it was the truth. We hadn’t had that kind of problem before. And I was hoping it would never happen. EVER.

I stuffed my phone into the pocket of my cardigan and kissed his cheek. I walked off to sit on the couch. He followed with a bowl of cereal, sitting down next to me. I cuddled into him as we enjoyed our moment of silence. It was nice to just be with him for once.

It was only six months ago when Brendon ran off to work on the new Panic! album with Spencer. The rest of the group had left. Leah finally convinced Ryan to run off with her and he took Jon with him, creating an entirely new band. Brendon spent so much time in California trying to work on the new album and get ready for the next tour. To have him home now, to feel him, made me feel so much better. Since the end of the tour, the relief was almost too relieving.

Brendon was unable to keep a stable conversation with me while he was out that I just focused on schooling and Kyoko’s friendship. She stayed in our place until the minute Bren stepped foot in the house.

I had spent that time being more and more worried about Brendon. I was concerned about his health, his voice, his mental stability at the moment, everything. I was so worried and worked up, I would spend hours after school crying in our room and staring at the picture of us the day before he left on tour that he framed and left on his nightstand for me, so that I could “stay safe with him by my side while I slept.”

Sleeping was like having desert at dinner. Ever since the tour and all the worry, I hadn’t slept too much- just an hour here or three hours there. I never slept more than five. I was awake by four every morning, had the coffee Brendon loved brewing, a shower had already happened, and some days the laundry was completed for the week.

The first week he was back was the hardest. He spent so much time trying to get me to go to sleep, but nothing ever worked. We tried sleeping aids, wearing my small body out, and even relaxing methods- nothing ever worked. He was to the point of exhaustion just from trying so hard to get me to sleep or even get back to health.

***
Brendon finished is cereal and came back into the room, sitting in his spot next to me, and pulled me in close, rocking me back and forth. It was so silent that I could hear his heart pounding. He kissed me gently on the cheek and looked into my green eyes.

“Lo-Lo, I’ve been thinking of the perfect time to do this, but I want you to be my wife, honey. I want to be your Brendon forever. I’d rather you be Harlow Urie. No more of this silly business, I promise,” He said, putting his hand on his side and pulling out a box from beside him. “I want to be the father of all your babies, I want to see you age- more than you already have. I’ve loved every moment of being with you, even when you were Stalker-Girl back in Vegas. You’ve showed me that no matter how hard you try to be angry with me, you still support me. I know that when I went away, it was extremely hard for you and I know that you had to build up a strong heart to get as far as you did. But I want to be yours, sweetie. I love you.”

He opened the box slowly to reveal a small diamond- something simple, as I like- sitting in the fabric. My eyes widened and I reached toward it. Bren grabbed the ring, sliding it slowly down my ring finger.

My lips turned up and I was so speechless. Brendon kissed me, more than he had ever kissed me. Tears began to brim my eyes. I could already feel his against my cheeks.

“Of course I’ll be Mrs. Urie, Bren,” I murmured into his ear.

He held me and rocked me back and forth. “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”

It was weird having a ring on my finger for once since I had become a painter at the institute. I could never take this one off, not even for a second.

“You’ll never be number two, Harlow.”

I nodded and smiled at him, his tears starting to clear. He ran his thumb under my eyes and wiped away all the tears. He kissed me once again, quicker.

“Now, don’t go blabbing to everyone quite yet, honey. I want to keep it a secret until we go back to Vegas in a couple weeks.”

My eyes widened once again. We were going back home to visit family? To show off the fact we were now engaged and in love now more than ever.

I couldn’t contain my excitement. “I’LL HAVE TO TELL KYO!” I screamed, digging in my pocket for my phone.

I dialed her number and her excitement was more enthusiastic than mine. We spent a few hours planning. Bren interrupted to take me out on a special first date as fiancés.