We've Got Unfinished Business

Rian has been sitting in the lobby of Cass’ condominium for what seemed like an hour. The man sitting at the guard’s post has already approached him twice asking if he should call Cassadee and alert her of his arrival, but Rian was quick to deny. He pretended he was surprising her, and the guard let it go. That was a good sign; it meant Cassadee’s parents haven’t done anything majorly drastic. Hopefully drastic hasn’t even crossed their minds.

Today marked the first month of them being a couple, and Rian just couldn’t stand the idea of him backing down. He still loves Cassadee, and as frightened and confused as he may be, he isn’t confused about his feelings for her. He hopes she isn’t questioning it, either.

No better time than now, he thought to himself, taking a deep breath. He’s said that 2 times in the last 20 minutes. What if her parents were there? What if she shuts the door in his face? What if she decided that her mom’s opinion was more important than what they shared?

He wanted to smack himself the moment that thought crossed his mind. He sounds pathetic. Parents know best. He stood no chance if they weren’t on his side. His mom and step-father loved Cassadee, so that was never a problem for him. He was a good guy, he knew that, she knew that. It was all bad timing. But he would never allow Cassadee to choose him over her family. She loves her mom more than anything, and her mom has been through so much learning that even Rian can tell when he’s doomed to be removed from Cassadee’s life.

He honestly has no idea what he expects Cassadee to do. He doesn’t know what he wants her to do. Choosing him seems like such a bad decision in this situation, but he wants nothing more than for her to choose him because he’s choosing her every day. She makes him happy, and he’s turning into a better person because of her.

He takes a deep breath. No better time than now.

~*~*~*~

Cassadee has been seated in her bathtub long enough for her fingers to begin feeling as if they belonged to an older woman. Her whole bathroom smelled like lavender due to the bath bomb she impulsively bought after that grueling call from her mother. Those calls came quite often now and have become increasingly aggressive with every minute she spends fighting with her.

She had never been the type to fight with her own mother. It was completely unlike her, and it scared her to no ends. She only has respect for her mother, who raised her and her sister on her own; who is she to treat her that way just because she completely rejected Rian? Rian was a boyfriend. He’s not supposed to be important. Cassadee didn’t have plans of having a boyfriend until a little bit later in her college life, but that plan took a turn for the unknown when she actually met a boy that was completely unlike her father. She moved schools for the boy. It sounded stupid whenever she thought of it now, but it used to fill her with this foolish joy. She liked that he used to bring out that side of her – the impulsive, totally surrendered girl – because it was a feeling that never existed in her life. She’s read about it, but she never thought she’d find someone that could make her feel that way after everything her mother has said about her father. She was brought up to be independent, to live a life not needing to be validated by anyone, let alone a man. Isn’t that how childhood trauma works? Daddy leaves, mommy hates him, children are scarred for life without a father figure or models of true love? Cassadee wasn’t legal, and yet there she was, making impulsive decisions that could completely reshape her future in terms of relationships. All for a boy she never thought she’d be attracted to. He’s brash, extroverted, unsure of his plans for the future; but at the same time, he was none of that.

Rian’s outspoken. He has opinions and becomes very passionate about them, but he knows how to listen, and he knows how to learn. He loves going out, but when he’s just home with Cassadee, it’s as if neither of them ever want to leave. And as unclear as his future may be, the boy carries himself with a confidence that reassures himself that he will get somewhere. Cassadee couldn’t help herself. He’s a good guy. She keeps on repeating that to herself and has said that thousands of times to her mother, to which the only response she would get is, “Why do you have to tell me that he is a ‘good guy’? You wouldn’t have to convince me if he were.”

Cassadee brought her knees up to her chest. She’s helpless at this point. She has no idea where to turn, what to do. She wants to follow the rules her mother set, but she has never been this unhappy in her life. She wants her mother to be happy, to give back everything that she has given up for Cassadee; but she doesn’t want to sacrifice her own happiness. Does that make her selfish? Would choosing Rian over her mom ultimately bite her in the ass?

“Cass?”

~*~*~*~

Rian pressed three other levels on the elevator just to buy himself more time. He looked at himself in the mirror, immediately displeased. He dressed up in a button down and jeans, but he felt dreary. The flowers in his hands were a duller shade than he initially saw them as, and his eyes looked heavy. As determined as he was to regain his spot in Cassadee’s life, he was growing so desperate that he was reeking it. His mother would slap him for looking so defeated even before he’s fought the fight. He would deserve that slap, but he can’t help it. Everything about him felt heavy, and he was dragging himself along, only left hoping to make it through. His hands are tied.

When he finally got to Cassadee’s floor, he walked the short distance to her unit. The little Christmas wreath they made that she had up since November was no longer there. Just a shiny nail that made the whole place look incomplete and unhappy. He could hear the faint sound of running water, the horrible water system of the whole building just giving it away. She was home; that’s a good sign. He told himself that she must be home alone, as well, because no one else came to answer the door. That also meant she was in the shower, so she couldn’t have possibly heard him knock. He may still have the key she gave him, but he wasn’t about to barge in like that. He took a seat against the wall opposite the door, taking another deep breath and controlling all parts of him that were telling him to walk away.

20 minutes later, he felt like something was wrong. He began to worry. It didn’t feel right. The water stopped making that annoying noise, meaning she was done showering, but no one came to his second knock. He began pacing, incapable of thinking of any valid reason for her not to open her door to at least check who was knocking. Had she done something to herself? Did she slip and hit her head? He knocked again, a little bit louder this time. Still no answer. After a moment of contemplation, he called her up, then immediately cursed when he heard her tone clearly through the door. It was in her living room. If something had happened, she wouldn’t have been able to make an emergency call because her phone wasn’t on her. A wave of paranoia washed over him and he couldn’t think of anything else to do but let himself in. He immediately called out her name as soon as he stepped into her eerily organized apartment, hurriedly setting down the food and flowers on the coffee table. He checked her bedroom and saw it completely empty, then immediately went for the bathroom, the door slightly open in a way that filled Rian with dread. He carefully opened the door, afraid he might ram her in the head with it if he just barged in, and saw her seated in her tub, hair completely flat against her skull, knees to her chest, looking blankly at the wall opposite.

“Cass?”

Her head turned so quickly towards the sound, and their eyes met. Her eyes were completely red and her face looked pale. He was unsure whether the moisture on her cheeks was from the bath or her crying. He was speechless, trying to put pieces together, yet she continued looking at him, eyebrows slightly furrowed together. After a moment, she took a deep breath and said, “You shouldn’t have come.”

“Your mom here?” he asked quietly. Her voice cracked slightly and she spoke in such a way that made it seem like it hurt to do so.

She shook her head and looked back at the wall. “You just…”

He nodded. “I know.” After another weighted silence, he asked, “Do you want me to go?”

She didn’t respond for a moment, then slowly shook her head. “Please don’t,” she said, voice barely audible. Her shoulders began shaking, and Rian was sure that those beads of water rolling down her cheek were tears.

Rian worked on instinct then. He knelt on the floor next to the tub and took her hand from under the water in his, kissing the back of it tenderly. “Hey, darling, hey,” he whispered, feeling the tears start to prick at his eyes. “I’m not going to leave, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry?” she whispered, eyebrows furrowing deeper. “M-my mom doesn’t want me to s-see you, and you’re here t-t-telling me that you aren’t going?” Her internal sobs were coursing through her whole body.

“I’m sorry, Cass, I know it’s confusing,” he said, kissing the back of her hand again. “But I’m not leaving you like this, okay? You can make me leave some other time, but not while you’re like this, okay?” She shook her head, trying to get her hand out of his grasp; he held on tighter. “Cass, no, please. Hey, hey”—he gripped her hand with both of his, holding it securely in place—“no, okay? Let me do this. You’re not getting me to leave. Not now. We’ll think of later some other time, but not right now.” He put emphasis on the last three words in such a way that made her look at him. Their faces were close enough for him to lean forward and just kiss her, but he kept himself from it. He nodded, urging her with his eyes. She mimicked the action, taking the deep breath and losing some tension in her body. Rian kissed the back of her hand again and let go, pulling the drain out and walking over to the door to get her robe and towel. He slung it over his shoulder and turned back to her, seeing her just looking at him, waiting on his every move. He took both her hands again and pulled her up gently, taking the towel and wiping down her arms, her back, her legs, and her face. He then put the robe on her, slipping her hands through the sleeves then tying the fluffy rope around her waist loosely. He held her as she stepped out of the tub, and she retracted her hands as soon as she was flat on the rug, putting them around her waist. Rian laid a hand on the small of her back and hovered as she walked towards the couch.

She paused on the way there, staring at the flowers, then looked at Rian. He just nodded and nudged her forward slightly so she’d keep walking.

He made sure to see her sit herself down before going to her closet and getting a pair of underwear, loose shorts and a sweater. Her shut the window and turned up the heater before heading back to her. She was still silently watching him. He knelt in front of her and helped her put on her clothes, slipping her limbs through the cloth in the quickest yet gentlest way possible. She wasn’t shaking anymore and there was less morbidity in her eyes, but the air that hung between them was still heavy. He stood to get plates from her kitchenette, but she held on to his arm at the last moment, looking up at him with a new despair in her eyes. He knelt in his previous position facing her between her legs, and she took his other hand, putting it both on her lap and stroking the back of it with her thumbs. He felt like they were having a conversation by merely looking at each other, but it only ended up feeling like there were so many things left unsaid.

“I still love you,” she finally said, her voice the clearest its been all evening. He nodded, not saying anything because he knew she wanted to talk. “Mom was never like this, but you’re not to blame. She’s scared. I’m scared. But I still love you.”

“What are you scared of?”

“You ending up like my father, me ending up like my mother,” she said. She was tired of keeping it from him. “I have abandonment issues, Ri, you know that. You can’t leave me because my father already did, and I need something to believe in.”

Rian smiled gently. “So long as you want me here, I’ll stay. Not”—he quickly interjected, seeing an argument boil up in her—“not by obligation to you, but because I wouldn’t leave unless you’re no longer happy with me. I can’t see myself anywhere else, Cass – not with anyone else.”

“We’re 17, Ri,” she explained, sounding exasperated. “What do we know about what or who’s out there? Someone might come along for any one of us, then what? We’re fighting for nothing? I lose my mom forever because I want to make myself happy now?”

Rian can’t argue much with that logic. He took a deep breath, averting his gaze momentarily then looking back and seeing defeat in her eyes. “Okay, here’s the thing. We don’t know. We just don’t, and there’s nothing we can do about that.” She looked even more helpless, her hands going slack. He quickly continued. “But what I know is that, right now, I’m promising you that I’ll choose you every day of my life. So even if someone does come along in the near or distant future, all I know is that I made – that I’m making a vow to you right in this moment to choose you. And you’re going to have to do the same if we want this to work; if we want this to actually mean something.”

A little knot formed between her eyebrows. “How many people…” She began slowly, as if the thoughts were formulating as she was speaking. “How many people get to say they ended up with their high school sweetheart?”

“You’re more than just a sweetheart, darling—“

“Rian, you’re not getting it! It’s just not the most probable thing. I want to be with you, I want to be happy because of my own choices, and having to give up my mom for my own happiness is just too selfish of me to do. I’m sure my mother will never leave me because she would have done so when things were actually difficult for her. We don’t know what lies ahead for the two of us, Ri, and that’s the scariest thing I could think of right now. I love you, I want to be with you, I want to grow old with you, but I just don’t know.” She was breathing heavily now, holding on so tight to him in such a way that he knew that she was still convincing herself.

He rested his forehead on their hands for a moment, then looked up at her this time, practically begging. “Cass, my father left me, too, okay? My mom had to fight for me, too.” She began chewing at her bottom lip. “We have abandonment issues, and we can’t help it. But I’m fighting here. I refuse for you to end up like my mother or like your mother – I refuse to be our dads that ran when the going got tough. That’s how I responded to the abandonment. I grew, I learned, I vow to never make the same mistake. We’re all uncertain, and we’re all afraid. But I’m promising you that when the uncertain is suddenly staring us in the face, I will not leave you. I don’t think I can. You are the best thing that has happened to me since my stepdad finally got my mom back on her feet, and I’m not about to lose you. I don’t ever want to lose you, alright?”

Her eyes were sparked with tears again. “I don’t want to have to choose between you and mom,” she whispered.

He nodded in understanding. “I know.”

“I really do still love you, Ri, I’m sorry I got confused,” she said, tears staining her cheeks once again.

He nodded and shushed her comfortingly, moving to sit beside her and wrap her in his arms. He held her against his chest, rocking them slightly. “I got confused, too, darling, I’m sorry,” he said into her hair, holding her tight as she shook with another wave of emotion. “We’ll fight, Cass, okay? We’ll make this work, and we’ll make ourselves happy, okay?” She nodded and he kissed her once more on the top of her head.

The flowers looked a bit brighter now.