Talking to the Moon

I sat down on the edge of our pool, dangling my legs into the water and sighing happily. Today had been a very long day and I really wanted to just relax. Work had been ridiculously busy and then straight after work I had dinner with Jason’s parents. It had been non-stop and I just wanted some me time. I pushed myself up a little and slid into the water, sighing happily as I let myself go completely under water.

I held my breath for a couple of seconds before breaking through the surface, pushing my hair out of my face and taking in a deep breath. I smiled to myself and leant against the side of the pool, not caring that it was almost midnight. I looked up to the sky and watched the way the stars sparkled, every one completely in sight due to how clear the sky was. I couldn’t see a single cloud. I craned my head back a little and grinned when I saw the moon.

It was huge tonight and so bright.

“You okay baby?”

I jumped and looked beside me to see Jason there. I smiled and nodded, letting my eyes run across him to see that he was still fully clothed and lying on his front, his elbows resting on the poolside.

“Yeah, I’m just a little tired,” I answered, honestly. “It’s been a long day.”

Jason nodded and leant towards me, pressing his lips to mine gently. I sighed happily and raised my hand, cupping it behind his neck and making the kiss last a few moments longer.

“I love you,” I murmured once we’d pulled away.

He smiled and kissed me once more. “Good.”

“Good?” I chuckled, dropping my hand and turning in the pool, resting my arms on the side. “That’s all I get?”

Jason pressed his lips against my forehead and pushed himself up. I watched as he sank a hand in his pocket, bringing out a small velvet box and then getting down on one knee. My eyes widened and I could already feel tears begin to build up as Jason shot me one of his gorgeous smiles.

“Sarah, I love you and I can honestly say that I have never been as happy as I have in the last five years. You are my everything, my world and I don’t know what I’d ever do without you here by my side.”

I smiled, my chin trembling a little as I raised myself up a bit. “You’ll never have to know.”

He grinned and opened the box, a gorgeous, but simple, ring nestled beautifully in some purple silk.

“Sarah, will you do me the honour of putting up with me for the rest of your life?”

I laughed and nodded. I took the box from Jason and closed it before raising up a little more and grabbing his collar. I kissed him with as much emotion as I could muster, pulling him closer to me and causing him to tumble forward. I squealed as he fell into the pool, laughter spilling from me as he resurfaced, spluttering and pushing his hair out of his face. I smiled as Jason wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him as I rested my arms over his shoulders.

“I love you Jason,” I told him.

He leant forward and rested his forehead against mine, reaching behind me and plucking the box off the side.

“I love you more than life itself,” he replied, plucking the ring out of the box and pushing it onto my finger.

I smiled and pressed my lips to his, my legs going around his waist as he stepped forward and pressed me against the edge of the pool.

I jumped, startled, pulled out of my sleep due to a sound from downstairs. I frowned, not knowing what it had been, and sat up. I looked around me, noticing that I had fallen asleep on top of the covers and still in what I had worn earlier. I bit down on my bottom lip as I swung my legs slowly off of my bed, my feet sinking into the carpet and barely missing my discarded shoes from earlier.

I felt a tear fall down my cheek as I caught my reflection in the mirror on my wardrobe, my eyes moving down my black dress and cardigan. I didn’t bother brushing the tear away, knowing it would only be replaced by more. I was quite surprised I had anymore left in me. It seemed like I’d done nothing but cry in the last week.

I looked down at my left hand and felt more tears fall as I looked at the engagement ring that Jason had only given me ten days ago. I watched the way it sparkled in the light and turned it a few times before biting down on my bottom lip as I felt my chin begin to tremble. I closed my eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths, wrapping my arms around me and holding myself tightly.

“God,” I murmured before jumping as I heard that noise again.

My brow furrowed as I pushed myself to my feet and went to my bedroom door. I froze as I went to open it as I stared at the hoodie hanging on the back of it. I let out a breath as I reached forward, my fingers brushing the fabric before pulling it off of the hook. I buried my face in it and inhaled deeply, my tears falling even more and soaking into the hoodie. I chewed my lip and put it back on the hook before discarding my cardigan and then pulling the hoodie over my head.

It was too big for me; the hem of it almost to the hem of my dress and the sleeves surpassing my hands. But I didn’t care. I brought my hands up to my face and inhaled the smell that was deep in the fibres of the hoodie before I pulled open my bedroom door and stepped out of my room.

I could hear talking downstairs, though I was sure that wasn’t what I had heard before. I walked towards the stairs and looked down, being able to hear my friends talking quietly. I slowly made my way down the stairs, pausing at the bottom of them as I listened to my friends. They were all gathered in my living room, where I was sure they’d all been since we’d gotten back a few hours ago. I chewed my lip and leant against the wall, knowing they couldn’t see me, and wrapped my arms around myself.

“I’m just worried,” Lyndsey voiced. “She’s barely gotten out of bed. She’s not eating...”

“Would you be?” Taylor cut across. “I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if Matt ever...”

She trailed off and quiet filled the room, all of them, no doubt, thinking on what she was saying, thinking about what happened, thinking about what has been happening since.

“When do you think she’ll be okay again?”

That was Johnny, his voice quiet and a little broken.

“It’s only been a week...”

“I just hate seeing her like this,” he murmured.

“We all do,” Brian stated, his voice cracking as he spoke.

I rubbed my hand across my face and shook my head, pushing myself away from the wall and making my way to my kitchen. I froze in the doorway when I saw Mattie standing there, his eyes bloodshot and a little puffy, his hand curled around a cold beer.

“Sarah...”

I shook my head and carried on moving, making my way to the doors that led out to the backyard.

“Please, Sarah, talk to one of us.”

“I just...” I started but my voice disappeared, being replaced by a choked sob.

I shook my head again and pushed the doors open, walking outside and closing them behind me. I swallowed and walked down the garden, my eyes running along the length of the pool, watching the way the water rippled as a leaf hit the otherwise steady surface. I bit down on my bottom lip and carried on walking; making my way to the raised decking that the guys had built last summer at the end of the garden. I walked up the steps and sank down on one of the chairs, pulling my knees up and hugging them as I stared up at the sky. I sighed before a ghost of a smile crept across my lips as I saw the moon, something Jason once said coming to my mind.

“If I’m ever not around anymore, just look for the moon and the stars.”

“I miss you,” I whispered, my gaze focused on the moon. “I miss you so fucking much.”

Tears began falling down my cheeks again as I took a deep breath and I tightened my grip around my knees.

“I want you back. I want you sitting in the chair next to me and telling me some story about some idiotic thing you and your brother got up to. Or telling me some joke that isn’t funny but I’ll laugh anyways because of the animated way you tell it. I just...I want you,” I whimpered, bringing my hand up and brushing away some tears. “And I can’t have you.”

I bit down hard on my bottom lip and shook my head.

“You weren’t meant to leave me Jason. You told me you wouldn’t go. You said that you’d be here for me forever. You promised me,” I cried, my legs straightening and my feet dropping to the floor with a quiet thump.

I looked towards the house and noticed Mattie watching me from the kitchen, Lyndsey standing beside him and talking to him quietly. I moved my gaze next door and noticed the way the curtains twitched and I knew that they had been watching me. My neighbours were nosy bastards. As soon as they found out what had happened they were on my doorstep with a casserole. I looked back up at the moon and blinked a couple of times, my vision clearing as tears fell once more.

“I need you baby. I can’t...I can’t do this by myself. I just can’t,” I pleaded to the moon. “I just need to know you’re there. That you can hear me. I just...I need you. I need you right here next to me. I need to feel you holding me again.”

I doubled over a little, my head against my knees as I cried, my fingers tangling into my hair as pain ripped through me once again. I could feel my heart breaking as everything from the last week hit me over and over. I would never see him again. I’d never touch him. I’d kiss him. I’d never see his smile. I’d never hear his goofy laugh. I’d never hear him talk.

I picked up my head and looked at the moon again before rising to my feet. I didn’t really feel completely in control of my movements, everything seemed to just be happening. I walked off of the decking and over to the pool, slowly crouching and sitting down on the edge, my feet slipping into the water. I sighed as the cool water lapped against my skin and I glanced at the moon again before taking a deep breath and pushing myself off the side of the pool and into the water.

I closed my eyes as I let myself sink to the bottom, feeling the water soak into the hoodie and making it ten times heavier. Time was lost to me as I stayed on the bottom of the pool, holding my breath for as long as I could. I doubt I was under for very long. I wasn’t the fittest of people and couldn’t hold my breath for very long so I could only have been under the water for a minute, if that. But it seemed like an eternity passed and I wanted it to. For a split moment, I wanted eternity to rush past me so I could go up to the moon and the stars and be with Jason again.

I just wanted to be with Jason again.

Suddenly, I felt hands under my arms and my body was being dragged back to the surface. I fought, though I wasn’t sure what against, as I gasped, water rushing into my mouth and down my throat. As we broke the surface I choked, coughing and spluttering as Mattie pulled me to him, saying my name over and over. I hit him in the shoulders as I began to cry again, hating him for just a second for keeping me from being with Jason again.

“Sarah, please,” Mattie pleaded with me, pulling me tighter to him as I stopped fighting him.

I slumped against him, my fingers digging into his shoulders as Mattie pulled us over towards the shallower end of the pool so our feet hit the pool floor.

“Look at me,” he told me, brushing my hair out of my face and raising my chin with his fingers so I was looking up at him. “Don’t ever do that again Sarah. You’re all I’ve fucking got.”

I stared at him and it hit me how selfish I’d been this past week. Yes I was hurting, shit was I hurting. But so was Mattie. I’d lost my fiancé, my best friend, the love of my life. Mattie had lost his brother, his twin brother, his best friend.

“God, Mattie, I’m so sorry,” I cried, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. “I just...he’s dead.”

Mattie’s arms went around me, keeping me against him as I sobbed. I could feel Mattie shaking and I was sure that it wasn’t due to him being wet or cold. I looked at him and saw his own tears falling down his cheeks as he closed his eyes and buried his face against my neck.

This had been the first time that I had said it out loud since the accident. The first time I’d uttered those words since the car wreck that had taken Jason away from all of us. And it hurt. I felt like I was admitting defeat and I wasn’t quite ready to yet.

I glanced up at the sky as more and more tears fell and saw the moon slowly begin to disappear behind the clouds. I closed my eyes as Mattie and I cried together for what we had lost, deciding that I had to stop searching for Jason in the sky. I had to stop talking to the moon as if it would help. I had Mattie to talk to. If I needed to talk, I had to find Mattie.

“It’s going to get easier,” Mattie muttered after a while.

I shook my head and looked at him. “How?”

He shrugged as he climbed out of the pool, helping me climb out a moment later and wrapping an arm around me as we walked back to the house.

“I don’t know...but it just...it has to.”