The State of Dreaming

May 19

The terror was pulsing through my veins at an accelerated pace. In New York, fear was just part of daily life. Everything moved so fast, chaos all around twenty-four hours a day, some sort of fear had to keep you going.

Today was the day though, Niall had called me last night to touch base.

"I'm flying in early tomorrow morning, do you have class?" He asked.

"No, well yes but I can just skip it I guess. You're only here for the day right?"

He tutted me. "You shouldn't skip class Lila, but it's cute you would just for me."

"Don't flatter yourself too much, okay?"

"I'll try not to."

I should have just said no to him, actually gone to class, but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to say no or make up some excuse. My overwhelming need to see him and catch up, see if he had changed or how, carried me throughout the day.

I looked through my closet and drawers several times, for a grand total of just under two hours. I needed to find the perfect outfit, my girlish instinct was out in full force. There was no way, in my mind, that I was going to face Niall in some casual get up. I wanted to make an impression, one that would last him a lifetime. Isn't that what we want sometimes? To show the person we like, parted with or whatever the case may be, exactly what they've been missing all these years.

Finally deciding on a short, print dress, a jean vest and a pair of wedge ankle boots, I worked on smudging the normal amount of make-up on before fixing my hair into a strategically messy braid.

This was it, thought when I checked the time, this was how it would all begin.

We had decided to meet each other at a little pizza parlour near the hotel they were staying in, and then we would see if we could do a little sight seeing depending on the time.

He was waiting for me at a corner table with two slices laid out in front of him, drumming his fingers on the table in between checking his phone. He only looked up when the bell over my head clanged as I walked in the door. He looked at me strangely, like he should know who I was but didn't recognize me. It unnerved her, but I smiled anyway and waltzed right over.

"Hey you," I laughed, knowing he had no clue.

"My god, Lila?" He practically shouted as he recognized me, springing to his feet.

We embraced, and even I had to admit it felt nice. He looked different as well, grown up, giving off the confidence of a man.

"You look great," he said after we had both sat down. "New York had treated you well."

"And your new life seems to be treating you well."

"That's travelling for you," he chuckled. "I got you some pizza, hope that's okay."

"It's great, thank you."

"So how's life in the big apple then?" He asked as we both began to eat.

"Wonderful and terribly boring all at the same time. But you, how are things with you?"

"Busy, exciting, crazy, stressful," he laughed. "But fun as hell."

"You're lucky," I told him, a pinch of envy rising up inside me.

"No, you're lucky. You have a normal life."

"Oh and you're complaining about travelling the world?"

"Once a day, that's the rule," he smirked. "So where do you live, on campus?"

"No off, with two other girls."

He nodded. "That sounds fun."

"It can be," I grinned, falling silent for a while before I said something that I would regret. "I uh, bought the album."

He looked surprised with my revelation. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah, one of my roommates likes it too. She won't stop playing it."

"It's called Up All Night for a reason," he winked at me.

I rolled my eyes. "You've got jokes I see."

He was offended, I could tell by the looks on his face. "Hey, i've always had a sense of humour."

"Sure you did," I teased.

We continued like this until our pizza was done, heading out into the chaotic New York City streets to do some sight seeing, since we did have more time after all.

I showed him a few places that I liked to visit, until he requested that we take a walk through Central Park. Normally I would have considered this romantic, the park was famous for that in some ways. But this was just a friendly, nostalgic meeting between two old friends.

"I think this is the best place in the city," he said quietly to me as we strolled side by side.

"It's a real gem, I haven't really walked through it all that much to tell you the truth."

"Why not? I'd be here all the time."

"I've had enough greenery to last a life time back home," I giggled.

There was something magical about a city made of pure concrete having a huge green space in the middle of it. It was where chaos died, bursting into this calming energy that could put anybody at ease. You never felt that you had to be on point and alert, you could just be. And in that moment with Niall Horan, I was.

"You know," he said, getting my undivided attention. "I've missed being able to chat with you. Just chat about nothing and laugh, it's nice. You aren't bothered by my publicity or anything."

"Why would I be bothered? You're not really that any different, like I thought you would be. You have changed a bit, but for the most part you're still that dorky boy from the other side of town."

"Thanks for the compliment?" He asked, unsure if it had even been one. "You're still the beautiful girl from the other side of town too, though you've changed bit as well."

"Oh stop," I muttered, feeling my cheeks getting hot. He always knew what to say to turn my knees into jelly.

We continued to walk, reminiscing about our past and talking about our present. We didn't touch the future, why would we? I should have known then.

When Niall noted he had to get going, there was an awkward and unsure moment, neither of us seemingly knowing what move to make.

"I can walk you home," he said.

My heart fell to my feet, and he looked at me as if he had seen it lying there on the ground.

"Okay," I croaked out.

All I could think about was not making the same mistake as the last time this scene played out. So, when we blended seamlessly into the crowded sidewalks, I reached over and took his hand.

I had felt his skin so many times before, but now it felt so different. It felt softer, like we weren't holding on for dear life, preparing for the end.

I realized, in cliche fashion, that our hands fit together like the last two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. We completed this picture that I didn't know existed, like the secret song on an album that you didn't find until it was too late.

We had expired, flatlined, and I had lost hope of us ever coming back to life. It had been there once, a beacon of hope, very briefly when things first ended. I questioned if we had done the right thing, and if we hadn't would we be able to get back there?

Of course, we were here and not back there, standing in front of my door.

"Thank you for walking me home," I said, feeling the heat rising up my neck.

"Thank you for showing me around the city."

Awkwardly we looked at one another, stuck yet again at what to do. He leaned in, making it seem as if he was coming in for a hug. Instead, our lips met and everything faded away.

When we pulled apart, he said good-bye, leaving me reeling. He had left me with nothing else, our talk of the past and present coming to mind. Now, Niall, I was thinking about the future.

May 29th

Packing is such a nightmare, luckily the trip i'm taking won't be that far.

Thinking about the future ten days ago, what was going to happen or not happen, never led me here. I assumed it would all be vastly different, that he wouldn't call, our kiss was purely nostalgia, and we would never, ever get back together. Boy was I wrong.

Tomorrow i'll be in Toronto, Canada, Montreal the next day and then share four days of bliss alone with my boyfriend.

I guess that article was right, Niall was in love with a girl from the other side of town, and I loved him too.