Hate Me Today

“You keep your fucking eyes open, damn it. Keep them open…”

I really couldn’t hear the man on top of me anymore. I knew I was going to die, I knew it well … and, well. I wasn’t scared. What was there to be scared of? At least I would die in the arms of the one I loved.

“Z … Zen, c’mon … C’mon, don’t you fucking dare close your eyes ... I swear. Or else…” But while Tony pondered a snarky remark we both would have earlier laughed at, I simple grabbed him by his cheek, pulling him down to my lips, kissing him hard. I was going to die. And there wasn’t anything he could do about it …



It’s a horrible feeling, in the pit of your stomach, traveling slowly through your sweaty body, filled with regret, and shame, and to your lips. Those lips full of deceit, lies, and promises vile. Slowly, it eats away at you; at your mind, and than your feelings. Those damn, fucking emotions I felt … the same ones that left me in this mess …

left him in this mess. How could we turn back? To take back the stolen nights, those burning kisses, and the hands that never wanted to leave, once they were stuck on. How could I simply turn back? When I knew so much was at stake? If they ever found out … if it were to compromise a mission … if lives were lost … So many things to worry about, and not enough time to deal with.

It couldn’t have happened … it shouldn’t have. But I fell, I fell for the fucking bastard who was known for his ways with women, and his charming smile, and those big, fucking brown eyes that I continued to stare in, whenever no one saw … or, I thought no one did. I knew someone figured it out … they must have. We were discreet, us both, we tried at least … You couldn’t blame neither.

And, yet I knew that one day … this would come back and bite me in the ass. I knew it was wrong … but, in a very general and stereotypical way. For us it was perfect. More than perfect actually …



I arrived in S.H.I.E.L.D a little after they defeated Loki. I was bummed, I really wished I could have taken part in that. Compared to my bartender job, it would have been a huge difference. Nonetheless, I joined, and immediately … I knew I would want to stay.

“Whose … “The Vixen”?” Natasha asked, a gentle raise of her eye brow, slight mockery hidden behind the direct meaning. Nick chuckled, “She could get you on your knees too, Romanov.” The red head chuckled, “That’s something I’d like to see…”

“Uh, why do we need more of… us? Aren’t we supposed to be, the chosen special ones?” Tony asked, in that sardonic voice everyone had become accustomed too.

“No one said we needed another of you Stark.” Roger laughed, causing the rest to break out in laughter too. Tony shrugged it off, “There can always … be a little more of Tony.” And, eventually I would grow comfortable, and even love that cocky attitude the man had. It was a defense … I knew that. He was scared. Scared of who, or what he’d become … He wasn’t one for showing affection, much less his true colors. So, he hid. He hid behind that mask of sarcasm, and douche bigotry.

“Why don’t you all just meet her …” And, in I walked … Lights, a huge fucking parade and all … Actually, the complete opposite. I simply walked, “Everyone, I’d like you to meet Zen Mortem, or … as you all will eventually know her; The Vixen.” God, that was such a fucking porno name … I would know, I fashioned it for myself.

My hazels swept the room, taking in everyone’s face, and then … them. My “power” was the ability to look anyone in the eye and cause the worst amount of pain imaginable; it came with reading peoples energy levels. And then … my “experimental powers” was venom. My body ran rampant with it … If anyone comes in contact with me for more than 5 seconds, if I’d like I can poison their black, little hearts. That one I had under control.

I smirked, “Hey.” And, the awkward silence. Where everyone judged you … whether or not to trust you, how to trust you. I let my gaze wander to the floor, taking in the surroundings. I could feel the hostility … yet I felt the sense of confusion, and curiosity. The room was swimming with curiosity. And I’d leave them in it.

“Are you a porn star?”

My eye brow shot up at the comment, turning my narrowed gaze to; once again, Mr. Stark. I gave him a look, and closed my eyes, “Yeah. I’m at the top of the fucking food chain.” I smirked again, going and sitting down next to Captain America; wow … what a cliché.

“Nice one.” He granted me a smile, and I obliged, donating one in return. “I’m sure you know everyone already, yes?” Did I? Of course I knew the Avengers; Earths mightiest heroes … Who didn’t?

“Lets see…” I chewed on my lip, in mock thought, “We got the ever famous Cap’n America, Gamma Radiation genius Bruce Banner, the mighty, God of Thunder Thor, infamous assassins Romanov and Burton, and than Mr. Playboy himself, Tony Stark.” I grinned, shrugging, “Don’t worry … I did my homework.”

“Uh, excuse me … I’m the genius.” Tony gave a cheeky grin. I shook my head, “No. I prefer the Hulk.” I shrugged, at his frown, “Personal preference … Bulk over … tin.” I let that sly smirk slide onto my lips … wondering if he got my little … ‘porn star’ reference. Bruce gave a nervous cough, “T-thank you … But really … Tony’s extremely smart himself.” Stark gave a huge grin, turning his gaze to me, “Thank you … See, I deserve a little credit. And you’d be surprised to what this … ‘tin’ can do.”

“Not really …” I shook my head, and turned to Bruce with a huge smile, “No, you’re the genius Dr. Banner, your work is fucking phenomenal … Story tragic … but … Phenomenal.” Bruce gave me another uncomfortable glance, and side smiled,

“Well, we hear so are you.” I chuckled, “Me? A simple bartender from San Diego, no … You must be mistaken.” I shrugged.

And that was where it started. I had earned the respect of my fellow heroes by insulting the one man who thought he was above all. The hostility grew less, and I became closer with Mr. Banner, who became … a sort of, friend to me. A … older friend, but also a little bit of a father. His caring nature threw me off, but … I enjoyed his company.

Soon, everyone understood why I was called Vixen, along with my other … abilities. The poison in my heart grew, but my heart never felt stronger.



“Lie still Morty … Or else you’ll get another ink job done.” Tony smirked. The name he made, I hated it … yet loved it at the same time.

“Shut up … just … take what you have to.” I looked away. This is where we connected … grew closer … became more than we were supposed to become. The poison. That ran through both our systems … constantly trying to kill us … to take our life away. It was the basis of our understanding … our support and our relationship. The toxic venom gave us both reason to … fight harder. Fight for the ones we loved, for our team, and for … us.

Tony didn’t answer, but walked away, coming back to run a few more tests, “Its spreading … isn’t it?” He looked up, and back down, shaking his head,

“Nothing I can’t fix …” I chuckled, shaking my head,

“You can’t…” Tony’s eyes narrowed a bit, and he walked over, jabbing me with something sharp, “I don’t lose control Stark … wrong monster.”

“And neither of you are monsters. What the hell is wrong with you?” He gave me a frustrated look, “Do you even want to live? Do you care enough to live? If not for yourself than for…”

“For what?” My looks were stern, harsh, and almost condemning. I wanted the man to say it, say it to my fucking face. He looked away, “For the team … We need you on this team.” I chuckled, shaking my head,

“You just need another solider … Another Avenger to fight the battles of Earth they never dreamed to be able to fight…” Tony looked back, another defeated look on his face. He removed the wires attached to my body, and the needles, and leaned on my gurney, chin in hand, “You signed up for this … You should be able to do this…”

“With the rate it’s flowing through my system at … I doubt I’ll be able to…” I sneered, looking away and thinking. Thinking of whether or not it was worth it … the lies, the backstabbing, how I was ruining Tony and Peppers relationship … Or about how we were fucking behind everyone’s back, and then lying saying we just “friends”.

“I’ll fix you …” Its one of the few times I’ve heard his vulnerability … his weakness. I felt it in his being, in the way it reflected off his beautiful eyes, and how his mind worked, trying to find a solution … any solution. To stop the venom, to keep it as a tool, and not a weapon; the weapon to my own demise …

“You can’t …” I whispered back, only to be shortly cut off by his lips molding against my lips, telling me to shut up, and just go with it. And I answered, wrapping a hand around his neck, pulling him over, and onto the gurney,

“I’ll die trying … You aren’t giving up, do you hear me? At all…” I sighed, already given up, “Tony … it’s going to spread … to every bone, and muscle tissue, and eventually this lab experiment my dear, beloved ex preformed on me, is going to stop my heart from beating permanently.” That ruined the moment. That broke his concentration. That caused his jaw muscles to clench and push away from me,

“You’re pathetic sometimes …” Didn’t I know. The man walked out of the room. Sighing, I got up, and slipped on a pair of comfy, fuzzy slippers.

“You can’t give up.” Bruce. Of course, the only one who knew … I shrugged, “It’s going to kill me … and one day you all will understand… Tony can go back to Pepper and we can stop this … relationship that shouldn’t have started.” I chuckled, shaking my head.

“But he loves you Zen … You don’t understand that, do you? He’d give his everything to keep you alive … You think you’re the only one who can read people?” Bruce chuckled, “I’ve worked with the guy for a while … He’s a wall … but a hollow wall. He needs support; he needs something strong, and sturdy in his life. That … is you.”

“But Bruce, how can I provide the filling of strength when my own hollow walls are decaying … Their rotting away to nothing.” Dr. Banner didn’t say anything after that, instead wrapping an arm around my shoulders, “We’ll find a way … We both will.” I shook my head, they were wasting their time.



“Suit up! We leave in 5!” Fury yelled, causing everyone to work that much quicker. But I felt it, hard and sharp this time. I knew this was going to be my last battle … My last time working with these extraordinary people. The people I had become accustomed too, and grown to love. All of them, I would miss them. Terribly. I was going to miss the combat practices with Romanov and Burton, the laughter and jokes with Roger, and the stories of old, told by Thor. I would miss sitting and talking to Bruce, trying to help him, but than failing miserably, and just … standing off to the side. I would miss his hugs, and his words of encouragement.

But, nothing was compared to how much I’d miss my man in armor. His laughter … that cheek smile, and those soothing eyes that could hold mischief, but also conduct the most intimate and sweetest responses, my knees would go weak, and my hands would get clammy.
I would miss the way he kissed me … and hugged me, and made me feel so fucking good about myself, when the act we were performing was the complete opposite. I would miss waking up in those strong arms, turning around and kissing those pinkish lips, getting tickled with that beard around. I would miss getting tangled in the sheets … naked skin on skin, hands roaming and exploring … I would miss the scent, and the beauty his stupidity, and egocentric self personified. I would miss the love of my life, the only one who was as poisoned, and … cursed as I was, but in the most privileged of ways …

But, he never belonged to me … He was meant to be with Pepper, and she was meant for him. And they could go and build more Stark towers, and have wonderful, beautiful fucking babies!

My teeth clenched together, and I sighed out. I wish that could be me in that position … that place that she had. What I’d give … The only thing keeping me going was that we had become so good at hiding, that no one ever suspected anything; even if we were caught in some … compromising positions. A simple lie about a fight … or a jab was made and everything was laughter and giggles. Just what we wanted … we created.

Another jab, a harsh … slice through actually. Oh God, it wasn’t going to let me live through this … No. I had to. I wasn’t supposed to break down in front of everyone … We were going to go defeat these bastards, go home, have victory sex, and then I’d die back in my apartment; alone. The way people like me deserved to die. Not now. Not during a battle … when the world needed us.

I had to fight this, keep going. For the people, for him, for this … organization that relied so much on us. I whimpered, feeling the inside of my body slowly tearing itself, the venom going and splitting vessels, causing my heart beat to speed up even faster, and my vision to blank in and out.

“What’s wrong with Zen?” Thor asked, suddenly, his eyes holding worry. Stupid, fucking body! Work, work you piece of shit! I closed my eyes tight, “I-I’m fine … L-lets go.” Thor didn’t look satisfied, “No. What’s wrong Zen? Why is your body so pale … it looks broken. Banner! Stark! We have a problem.” My eyes widened.

“No! N-no we don’t! We don’t have a problem…” But, within a matter of minutes, everyone was there. And, I meant everyone. Damn. Fuck! I didn’t need this. It was Bruce though, that pushed through first, followed by Tony, “No, you stay the fuck up.” I never heard his swear; and now … I felt bad for causing him to do that. Bruce Banner was had control … and I just made him lose a bit. Not good Mortem, not good…

He easily picked me up, pulling me over to a gurney,

“What’s going on? I thought you said you had this handled Mortem? You said it was fixed…” Tony and Bruce glared down at me, causing me to bit my lip harder, and close my eyes; not fair. I was getting better … I was … pretending to get better. Soon, I was laid on top of one, and they were already hooking up IV’s.

“Y-you need to go .. G-go… save the … world.” I breathed out, feeling my chest constricting, and making my heart rate go wild, my eyes tearing up,
“What the hell is wrong with her?” Roger asked scared, him, Natasha and Clint standing back, worried, with Fury looking … might I say, worried as well? I shook my head, trying to push Bruce’s hands away, getting him to slap them away,

“She’s dying Steve … She’s dying…” Bruce sighed.

No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn’t breathe…

My heart started thumping randomly, awkwardly, causing my chest to hurt and bad, my eyes had gone blood shot, “Bruce! She’s not making it! Her heart rates abnormal, her eyes are blood shot and her breathings erratic.” I was dying. Bruce gave a worried look, and started hooking up more needles, trying to feed my body anything to stop the poison.

“Its not working!” He yelled. My eyes widened, “Bruce! No … Bruce calm down! Right now…” But it came out choked, my eyes shutting tight, a loud whimper of pain going through my body. Then … a crack. My eyes widened, my bones were breaking.

I saw Bruce shaking, as did the others, “Get him out! Now!” Tony yelled, Thor, Steve and Fury taking him out, trying to calm him down … or anywhere but near me. He turned to Romanov and Burton, “Tell the world we need a little bit of time…” They looked like they didn’t want too, but left, after a nod.

Tony turned and smacked me in the face, “Wake the fuck up! You aren’t leaving me alone, damnit!”

No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget

He saw my heart rate monitor beeping now, just a little bit longer… His eyes widened,

3

“No … No, you wake up, p-please don’t leave me… For fuck sakes Z, don’t you dare!”

I chuckled, with whatever voice I had, the venom doing the job it was created to do; destroy. He cupped his face, and smiled, pulling him down, “I-I … I love you Tony. Y-you and your egotistical ways … y-your asshole a-attitude … Y-your,” I swallowed, more bones cracking, the cringing clear on Tony’s now moistened face; fuck. “… F-fuck ... your c-crude sarcasm, and the w-way you make me f-f-feel .. l-like I’m the only .. o-one.” He whimpered out.

The promises we made were not enough

Tony shook his head, “Wake up. I don’t care … W-wake the fuck up.” I looked at him sadly, “I-I can’t … I’m b-broken …” Tony cringed again, his body shaking now, while he ran around, looking for something … anything to fix my body. The dead stillness of it now was … haunting,

“I-I … I can .. f-f-ix you…” I wish …

The prayers that we had prayed were like a drug

“Y-you can’t baby … You can’t.” He walked back, visibly crying, the water running down his eyes. I shook my head, pulling him in for another kiss, feeling him reciprocate, a soft whimper of desperation leave him, “B-but … I want too … I-its n-not ... f-fair.”

“L-life isn’t … fair.” I sighed, wiping his tears away. “W-we couldn’t have ... h-held up this c-charade a-any longer … B-Bruce figured … o-out. P-Pepper would … t-too...” Tony cringed, again. He looked down, his fingers trailing my cold, pale cheek now, the tears leaking from his eyes,

“I-I can’t just g-give up … I-I … W-we could have told them … I-I … I would have…”

But he did. They were all their, just watching. Bruce having controlled his anger, everything. They just … stared at the scene in front of them, eyes holding sorrow, sadness, and defeat. For, how could this have happened …

The secrets that we sold were never known

My body began to shut down, my heart beat was slowing, and my breathing becoming rasp, harsh almost, “Z-zen? …Z? N-no...” he whimpered, clutching my hand tight, while he took choked, and hard sobs,

“I-I … I love you Tony. I always will. E-even if I’m not g-going to … b-be here anymore … I-I will.” Tony clenched his teeth tight, nodding. He’d love her. He did. He was surprised, but he loved the girl so fucking much … M-more than Pepper. She understood him, on a level no other did … She understood the meaning of poison running through your veins. The same poison that he stopped for himself but … couldn’t for her.

“I-I … I love you too Zen. S-so much.” He bit his lip, and with a final smile,

2

The love we had, the love we had, we had to let it go

She looked up at Tony, smiling, before shutting her eyes … and letting the poison overthrow his system, shutting it all down. For a moment he just stared. At her lifeless body, cold and … very much dead now. He swallowed…

1

Tony stared out, not at anything in particular, or anyone. He just stared, big, wide brown eyes, staring into nothingness. And slowly the tears leaked, falling down his cheeks and chin, and onto her dead body. Dead. S-she … she was gone. He swallowed, turning around, facing Bruce’s equally wet face, along with the other shocked, and … concerned faces,

“We have a world to save.”

Tell me would you kill to save her life.