Cease to Begin

It felt like things would never get back to normal for Harry, like the same things just continued to happen every day. Back before Kate occupied every free moment in his mind, both when he was awake and asleep. He felt trapped under the weight of it, under the worry and obsession that he had to work something out, fix something that he knew had been broken years ago. Time had worn the edges, making any attempts to mend it virtually impossible.

Opening the eyes that had been closed longer than necessary, he felt the bed underneath him ripple in one spot, the faint sound of a generic ringtone piercing into his ear drums.

"Hello?" He asked, his voice groggy from having not been used. He had to clear his throat and say it again.

"Harry, are you okay?"

"Gem? Yeah, hi…yeah i'm fine, hey."

"How are things?"

He blinked a few times, making sure he was awake. He was convinced that he was loosing it, confusing dreams and reality more times than he'd care to admit. Right now though, he was indeed awake and talking to his sister.

"Uh they're okay, busy y'know. How are you and mum? I should ring her."

She laughed. "It's late baby brother, ring her tomorrow. We've been wondering what happened to you, it's been a few days. I think mum's getting worried."

"Right, yeah sorry. Things are just mental, I can't keep track of days or times. I'll ring her tomorrow," he nodded, making a mental note of it.

"You sound exhausted, are you sure you're okay?"

He suddenly became paranoid, could she tell something was wrong, or rather what? Was he being that obvious?

Shaking his head, only to nod again right after that, Harry spoke. "Very tired, i'm good though, i'm okay."

She seemed convinced, moving right along. "You'll never guess who I ran into in the crisps aisle yesterday."

"I'm dying to hear this," he replied sarcastically, smirking to himself. Maybe he wasn't going too mental.

"Kate Fairfield, you know that girl you dated?"

The question was stupid, of course he knew her, he remembered. Harry couldn't forget her no matter how hard he tried, but his sister wouldn't know that.

"Yeah I remember her," he said, not putting two and two together.

There was a long pause causing him to pull the phone away from his ear, making sure the call hadn't dropped.

"Gemma?"

"Jesus Harry, I ran into your ex girlfriend in the fucking Tesco's."

When it sunk in he shuttered, he wanted to ask every detail. Wanting to paint a mental picture of that instead of constantly replaying the one where she kissed him over and over again.

"Oh yeah, how was that?" He asked instead.

"Awkward, she seemed uncomfortable but, what can you expect eh?"

"What did you say to her?" It sounded like an accusation, which it partially was.

"Nothing funny, asked how Los Angeles was and that's about all. She's a sweet girl Harry, always was so relax."

"I didn't say anything."

She chuckled. "You didn't have to. Anyway I better go, give mum a ring. Don't forget, love you."

"Love you too," he just got out before he was met with the dial tone for the second time that day.

What had she meant by you didn't have to though? Before he could give it much thought, the door swung open and in bounded Louis.

"Hey," he smiled, his eyes giving away a slight hint of worry.

Harry only waved, settling back down on the bed to close his eyes. Meanwhile, Louis' own landed on something sitting on the floor.

"What's that book doing there?" He asked.

Without opening his eyes, Harry shrugged. "Didn't like it. The plot was too cliche, too much romance."

Instead of answering him, he walked over and slapped his hand down on his bandmates forehead, as if he were taking his temperature.

"Oi!" Harry exclaimed in surprise, brushing his hand off to rub the spot. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Checking to see if you've got a fever," he told him sarcastically.

"I'm fine."

Somehow Louis didn't believe that, and neither did the rest of the lads. Harry had been acting strange again, they had become more aware of it and were keeping a close eye on him.

He hadn't been sneaking off into a corner with his laptop anymore, but his phone was always in his hand, subtly checking it every few minutes like he was expecting someone. And he was spending more time alone in the hotel rooms, more than usual, like he was sulking about something.

At first they speculated that he had gone to see Kate, and that everything had worked out but Harry was just being shy. The notion that she could be his girlfriend quickly went away with each passing moment, the silence of his phone telling.

So he hadn't gone to see her, thus the sulking. The lads couldn't come up with any other explanation. Still, they were sure this would pass, whatever this was.

When days slipped by, even after Louis' teasing about him having a fever, and nothing seemed to change, it was time for a foot to be put down. Naturally that choice of foot rested on the shoulders of the one person who shared a room with him nightly.

"You've got to do it they said, you're his best mate they said. Twats," Louis mumbled to himself as he strolled down the hall. Harry had locked himself up again, it was now or never.

Pulling the key card from his pocket, he slipped it in the door and stepped inside.

"Harry are you in here?" He called, seeing him nowhere.

Popping his head out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth, he waved.

"We've got to talk mate," Louis sighed.

Furrowing his brows in confusion, Harry nodded. He disappeared back into the bathroom to finish up, rinsing his mouth and washing his face before he reappeared.

"What's up?" He questioned, walking over to his luggage to grab a fresh t-shirt.

"You should sit down."

Raising his eyebrows then, he felt a wave of deja vu wash over him. He knew exactly what this was, they had finally caught on that something was wrong and Louis had been sent to investigate.

He could appreciate their concern, and liked that it wasn't yet another ambush, intervention like confrontation. What he couldn't respect was how nosey they were. This was none of their business, and if he wanted to talk to them about it he could come to them.

Despite all of this his curiosity got the best of him, interested in what Louis had to say for nothing other than his amusement.

"I'm good Lou, what's this about?" He asked, staying in place near his bags.

"Is everything okay, did something happen with Kate?"

Subtle, Harry scoffed to himself. He inhaled deeply through his nose, nodding his head as if he were going to spill his guts.

"Yeah everything's fine," he said instead in a dismissive tone.

Louis wouldn't make it that easy though.

"So nothing happened with Kate? You seem…out of it again, we're all worried about you."

Scrunching up his face, Harry let out an annoyed sigh. "When would I have the time to even speak to Kate? I'm good Lou, thanks."

"Are you sure, you know you can tell me right?"

Snorting, Harry curled his hands into a fist. He had said he was fine, what more did he want? This was enough, in his already heightened state of emotions, to send him spiralling.

"Yeah mate, do me a favour next time you decide to stage one of these though? Don't bother, stay the fuck out of my business and don't mention Kate again. You can pass that along to those cowards as well when they ask how it went."

Taken aback, Louis held his hands up. "Sorry, I wasn't trying to upset you. We're just worried is all."

"I'm a bit sick of you lot worrying about me. If I had a fucking problem I wanted sorting i'd come to you, but I don't so fuck off."

"Fuck off?" Louis asked, his face growing red, a sure sign that he was angry.

He stood up from the bed and made sure he came chest to chest with Harry, glaring at him before he continued. "I know you can sort your own pathetic problems out, but you don't have to be a twat when someone just wants to help. I couldn't give a shit about you and this bird anyway," he spat, bumping him before he walked away.

Harry had succeeded in pushing away the one person he could turn to, without worrying that they would make fun of him. Someone who could weigh in with some experience in the field of wanting a normal girl.

He would feel guilty about this later, much like the aggressive text message to Kate a few days ago, when it all cooled off...it had to cool off. Of course there could be the possibility that it wouldn't, anything was possible.

Right now though, he had to focus on work, splitting his attention between a meet and greet and his phone, instead of worrying about some petty fight with his best mate.

Maybe he was going too mental.