Cease to Begin

He had balls, she would give him that. But as she stared at the screen, his text message burned against her skin.

If she hadn't loved him this could have been so much easier, she could laugh off his words like they were a joke. His frustration though, it hurt her.

For a moment Kate wondered if this had all been about the chase. If her fight had just been sparked out of this deep seeded need for him to come after her. Yes, he had initiated this, yes she had given in like they both knew she would, simply out of politeness or whatever it was. Yet she had kissed him in the end, after he wouldn't give up. Did she like it, having him seem so devoted to the cause?

Those thoughts suddenly shifted, molding into new ones, new emotions. The more she really looked at it, the more amused she was. That amusement bumped against the annoyance that was building up.

"Get in contact with me when you're 'ready'. This isn't over"

What wasn't over? For something to be over it had to have begun, and while their relationship had gone down that very path, that moment in the airport had not.

Before it became too much for her to bear, she deleted the message and tried to forget about it.

Kate whistled a familiar tune to the walls of her empty house as she got ready. It had been a few days and she had succeeded in forgetting about…what was his name again?

A new message had taken over, an old friend wanting to grab coffee where he worked. She hadn't seen many people in town, aside from her family and his sister. It would be nice, she thought, to catch up with an old mate and to just get out of the house.

She fluffed the blonde locks, smacking her lips together to even out the red lipstick she had decided to put on. There was no particular reason, using the adventure as an excuse to get dolled up.

She smoothed down her top, a lace cropped shirt thrown over a tank top, which had been tucked into a pair of high waisted jeans. The litas on her feet gave her an unnecessary advantage to her height, shoes she had fought purchasing but that her sister had in her closet, luckily they were the same size.

Once she was happy with her appearance and all accessories were in place, she slung her bag over her shoulder, closed the front door behind her to set off into the world.

The shop was around the corner, so Kate decided it best to walk, a walk that would prove trying about halfway through. Now she had realize why she didn't want to buy these shoes, not because she found them clunky and unattractive, but because they were uncomfortable. It felt like she was walking on hot coals or shards of glass by the time she reached the small cafe.

It was like the holy land, her Mecca. The quaint establishment beckoned her like a mirage, it's cute blue and white lettering, lacy white curtains hiding just enough of the tables lined up against the window.

The bell over the door clanged to signal her entrance, her eyes dipped left at the seated customers who didn't look up from their own plates and conversations.

Looking straight ahead, Kate spotted the boy she was searching for, politely helping a customer from behind the counter.

He wore the customary hat, the blue material hiding the shaggy but short red hair she knew was underneath. His face was red, as it always was when he was frustrated, which made her assume that the person in front of him was being quite the bother.

This got her chuckling, a little too loud for her to realize until it was too late. It seemed as if all eyes were on her then, looking at her as if she was crazy. Maybe she was, she certainly felt like it some days.

The boy held up his hand to wave, but also to signal to her that he would just be a few more minutes. She nodded her head, pulling up beside the counter to wait patiently for him to finish.

Once he had, he let out a long sigh, his cheeks rippling under the pressure of it.

"Do you want anything aside from a coffee love?" He asked, brewing one for himself while he plucked a pastry out of the case.

Kate only shook her head, gaining a shrug and a coffee in response. He ushered her over to a table, setting everything down before he pulled her into a hug.

"You look great," he whispered into her ear, rubbing her back before he let go and sat down.

She followed him, pulling her chair in so she was tucked tightly into the table, smiling wide. "You don't look too bad yourself James, even with that hat on."

"It was this or a hairnet, and I figured this would bring out the colour of my eyes," he smirked, making a girlish gesture at his features. "So," he continued, cutting himself off while he broke into the sugary delight. "How was Los Angeles, did you meet any sexy college men?"

Smirking herself, Kate gingerly poured some sugar and a creamer into the dark liquid. "Of course, my dorm room was a revolving door. I saw more dick ends than weekends mate."

He nearly spit his food out, laughing so loudly the sound rang in Kate's ears.

"God you haven't changed a bit," James commented, patting her arm from across the table. "I thought you were going to come back all stuck up and pretentious."

"Like a Gilmore Girls episode? I'm not a Rory, James."

"You certainly aren't."

Their banter went on for as long as it could before he asked the question.

"Have you spoken to Harry at all?"

She had known James almost all of her life, and he had known Harry for almost as long. He had been privy to just about every moment in their relationship, especially the break up. He was the total opposite of her grandmother, who had mourned their demise. James revelled in it, happy to set her up with someone who was, in his own words, "better". That dream wouldn't be realized since Kate fled to California, setting up someone a world away would have been difficult.

"Is it that obvious?" Kate asked, nibbling on her bottom lip. Her eyes were glued to her cup, which was only halfway empty.

"Of course it is, what do you take me for a moron?"

Kate only shrugged, not to respond to his question, but to sum up the feeling she had in one gesture.

"Well?" He asked, leaning in a little bit closer. "Are you going to tell me what happened or are you going to torture me?"

She let out a long sigh through her nose, glancing up before she ran her finger along the edge of her cup.

"He sent me a text saying we should catch up or something, I don't even remember how he put it now. I ignored it, of course," she explained, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. "But he wrote me a letter basically saying the same thing. Then he showed up at my dorm room."

"He did not," James gasped in shock, his eyes lighting up at the juicy gossip he was now inhaling.

"Ah, but he did," Kate grinned, closing her eyes. "I kind of...went mental, walked away from him. I just didn't want to deal with it, I didn't think I could you know? He didn't stop there though, he came to the airport to catch me before I left to come back here."

"That romantic bastard, I didn't know he had it in him."

"No, it wasn't like that," she dismissed, pursing her lips. "It wasn't romantic, I basically told him to fuck off forever after I kissed him."

The eyes across the table flew out of their sockets, like a cartoon mouse shocked at something. He covered his mouth, showing her further that he was dramatically stunned and that the theatre art camps his parents sent him to during the summers weren't a complete waste of money.

"Are you insane?!" He shrieked. If his voice had been any louder, Kate feared that they would be sitting in a pile of rubble.

"You just asked me that?" She sarcastically questioned in return, winking at him when his face shifted into an unamused expression. "It just, needed to be done. I don't want him in my life. He doesn't listen though, he sent me a text after I got home, then he called so we could sort it out. You'd be proud with his persistence."

He rolled his eyes, leaning back into his seat to toss her the most judgmental look. "I can assume that you've ignored those as well, since you're sitting here and not in his lap. I'd hate to pursue you, that's for sure."

"Why haven't you spoken to him?" She asked, trying to guide the conversation away from herself.

"I am a little person Katie, on the list of people Harry Styles is going to check in with, I'm not even on the page. You though, you're pretty high up."

Opening her mouth to reply with some sarcastic remark, she was cut off by another man impatiently standing behind the counter.

"Oi James, when you're done gossiping with your mate over there I've got some work for you to do. You know shit I pay you for?"

Rolling his eyes again, he downed the rest of his coffee. Wiping his mouth with a napkin, he pushed himself up on his two feet, placing both palms on the table as he bent over.

"Now you'll ring me so we can gossip some more?"

"Yeah, I'll ring you," she nodded, standing to meet him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him into a large hug. "It was really nice to see you James."

"Yeah, it was good."

"Don't work too hard," Kate smirked, giving him a wink.

"Please," James scoffed, gathering their dishes before he disappeared behind the counter.

Turning on her heels, Kate hiked her purse further up her arm, then opening it to grab her phone without looking where she was going. She clipped the shoulder of a stranger, her head shooting up in surprise and apologies.

A string of them fell from her lips before her voice sputtered into nonsense. Her eyes grew two sizes, staring at the woman in front of her. It seemed like ages since she had seen her last, which it technically was. She hadn't changed a bit, she still even smelled the same.

"Anne?" She managed to squeak out, shrinking down into her childhood form.

The woman's face shifted just slightly, a warm smile replacing the annoyance if only in aesthetics.

"My god, Katie Fairfield. How are you love?"

"I'm good, uh i've been well. How are you?" She asked, shifting subtly under her suddenly uncomfortable weight.

"Thirsty," Anne nodded. "Will you tell your mother that i've finished with her book, i'll pop round to drop it off tomorrow."

"Of course," Kate meekly nodded in return. "I sh-"

"Yes, well it was lovely to see you."

She breezed passed Kate with the effortlessness of a model, and if she had been wearing a wispy dress it would have rolled over Kate with ease, capturing her in the fabric like a slow motion scene in a movie.

The air she left behind her felt cold, much like their conversation. She understood, she was the ex, the girl who once dated her son but no longer did. They had spent weekends together sometimes, within the same four walls. She had even gone on a vacation with them once for a whole week. But now she was nobody, she was the daughter to a friend, an acquaintance you gave a simple, polite greeting to.

She could have been mistaken, with her guard up, in assuming that their conversation was cold. But her mind wouldn't allow her to think that, instead settling into the fact that his mother hated her.

And then she was thinking about him again.

She felt her eyes start to water as she pushed the door open, the sound of the bell sending a shiver up her spine. She sniffled, rubbing her nose in an effort to stop the tears. It was futile though, the drops falling down her cheeks in a stream.

He had made things so complicated, even now after she had told him good-bye. She had hoped that final farewell would rid her of his existence, no matter how naive that notion seemed. But it had been pointless, completely and utter pointless. He was everywhere, in memories built into the foundations of this village, his family roaming around like living ghosts.

She could not go back, she would not go back. Swallowing her pride meant loving him again, freely and without thought. She wouldn't let that happen, she was over him.