Never Again

For a moment, it looks like Cary's about to break down and fall apart. Like she was already frayed, but now, she's about to tear at the seams. But something flashes in her eyes--regret, anger, pain, betrayal?--and she steels herself, hardens her face back into a mask, shakes her head, gets back on her bike and pedals away, not looking back, a tense set in her muscles.

My own mask has dropped--has been that way for a while now--and I can feel my heart re-breaking. It's not her fault though, it's mine. And it only makes it worse.

I bike to school by myself, feeling like I'm stuck in a pit, and there's no way out. There's no way to fix this.

So many questions are spiraling through my thoughts, faster than I can answer.

What did I do? If I had known this would happen, if I had known that I would--that I had the ability to--hurt Cary this much, would I have still done it? Would I have still left her standing there that day, thinking I was protecting her, thinking I was doing what I had to, would I have gone through with it? Would I have turned my back on her?

And I remember a tune Cary used to sing when we were children. A tune she would sing softly, singing herself--and me, little did she know--to sleep, all those nights in the treehouse. All those sleepovers we had. All those nights, when we slept with the windows open--her bedroom looking into mine across the small yard separating the houses--how she would sing, softly, but loudly enough for me to hear. For me to know when she fell asleep. What she would sing every summer when we played by the lake, when we played in the fields on the horses. What she would sing every lazy afternoon we spent in the sunlight, lounging around, riding the horses, reading our books to each other. What she hummed every year on the first day of school. What she always got stuck in my head, time after time.

The words come back to me as I go through the school day, feeling at a loss.

I walk to my locker, putting my bag away and grabbing my books for first period. As I turn, heading down the hallway, I hear Alyssa calling my name, her heels clicking loudly down the hall as she chases after me.

But today I don't feel my usual frustration at her, my annoyance doesn't even make an appearance. Today, Cary's song just keeps playing in my head.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

"Tony! What do you have first period?" Alyssa squeaks, trying to sound casually, mildly interested. She can't even get the casual part down.

But I'm still completely calm. I just hold up my math book for her to see, walking forwards.

You make me happy when skies are grey.

"Who's your teacher? I have..." her voice just fades out of my attention, only pieces coming back to me.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you,

"...he's just SO super boring...and why should we even care about math in the first place? I mean,...." none of the pieces of her monologue that I'm actually hearing are making any sense in my head, but I don't bother. I just keep walking, nodding my head every so often, either in acknowledgment of someone, or so Alyssa doesn't start questioning me again.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

~*~

I'm sitting in study skills--a fancy name for 'doing homework and projects during a class period'--with nothing to do. It's the second day of school for goodness sake, I don't have any homework I'm behind on and I do my homework in the treehouse. So I'm trying to remember the next verse of the song. I write down the lyrics on a piece of paper I found in my backpack, my pencil straying to doodle when I have to think to remember the other lyrics. And then I remember the next verse, the bell rings as I finish scrawling it out on the page, grabbing my bag and heading to the door.

I walk into the cafeteria, my head still in the clouds, the song repeating for the umpteenth time in my head, but it's comforting in a way. I'm back to the second verse, not that I've remembered it.

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping,

"Hey, Anthony! Over here!" My buddies call to me, momentarily shaking me out of my slump enough to notice where they're sitting.

Right behind Cary and Madison's table. Jeez. I stop in the lunch line. I glance over. Cary doesn't have anything in front of her. She probably forgot her lunch money again, she's always forgetting it. I grab two milks and an apple, finding a permanent marker in my pocket.

I dreamt I held you in my arms,

Coming to a stop in the middle of the cafeteria, I write on one of the milks in permanent marker: Sunshine, my only sunshine... *
And add a quick doodle of a horse.

The star's something Cary will understand. It was always kinda our way of saying what words couldn't. But if they had to say something, it'd probably read: I'm sorry, I've been a jerk, I really am sorry.

Under better circumstances it'd read something different. We've always been able to tell what the other person meant. That's why we've only ever needed the star. I just hope it's enough.

Walking towards my table--and Cary's--I smile and nod towards my buddies, and, unfortunately, Alyssa. Pausing behind Cary's chair, I set the milk in front of her and then pulled out a chair and sat at my table.

I'm quiet for most of lunch, only contributing when absolutely necessary. I glance at Cary. She's watching me with wide eyes--broken and hurt, but most of all confused. Not at what I'm doing, but confused as to what she should do. What she needs to do to guard herself. And I understand that. I just wish it weren't necessary. Cary slowly smiles, not a huge smile, a small smile as if to say 'we'll figure it out, we're going to be all right.' even though we both know neither of us are in the position to promise that.

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,
So I hung my head and I cried.

I smile back, my easy grin that only Cary seems to be able to provoke, creeps back out. The bell rings and we both stand up simultaneously, looking away now, and focusing on the people around us.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are grey,
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away.

Yes, I think, whatever does happen, please don't take my sunshine away.

~*~

I wait for Cary at her locker at the end of school, my backpack slung over my shoulder casually. Cary appears from her last class just as the final bell rings. Her face lights up, though slightly cautious, when she sees me waiting for her. But as she approaches and unlocks her locker, she abruptly becomes suspicious, eyeing me.

"I thought you were ignoring me at school. Well, you have been since 6th grade, and it's been 6 years. And isn't it bad for your oh-so-fragile popularity to be seen talking--let alone socializing!--with me?" Cary snaps, her long classes getting the better of her--her eyes are full of regret as soon as the words are out of her mouth, weariness and exhaustion seeping into them.

I'm pretty sure she mean the last jab as an insult but it just makes me feel guilty. "I'm sorry about that Cary, I really am sorry. What do I have to do to make you see that? I'm here. Right out in the open. Isn't that good enough for right now?" I reply gently. "If it makes you feel better, we can waltz down the hallway, I can give you a piggyback ride out the front of the school, we can go and I'll let you shove ice cream in my face like you used to, but honestly I don't think any of those are a great idea just this moment." I smile--not huge, just enough to let her know I'm just trying to be her friend again. "You're tired, I've got homework, let's go home, Cary."

Her eyes widen slightly at the last part. It's been years since I've said that, it must have gotten through to her: I don't want to hurt her anymore. I just want to fix things between us.

"If it really means that much to you, the piggyback ride offer still stands, but please please please take a raincheck, my back is sore." I finish, watching her eyes.

She nods, says nothing, takes my hand playfully--like she used to--and we walk out to our bikes.

I'll always love you and make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me to love another,
You'll regret it all one day.

"What're you singing?" Cary looks up at me, having heard me humming the words under my breath.

I grin as we starting pedaling out of the school. I finish the song, this time loud enough for her to hear clearly:

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey;
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away."

Cary grins, the biggest I've seen so far. Her eyes shimmer with happiness the kind you get from 'ohhhh they remembered!' moments.

And in her soft voice, the one that's sung me to sleep when we were little, she repeats the last phrase once more.

"Please don't take my sunshine away." We're almost home now. "On the milk carton, you wrote that, meaning the next part of the verse right? 'You make me happy when skies are grey.'?" I nod. "Why did you remember it now? After all this time?"

We're on the hill once again, standing under our tree with the treehouse above.

"It's been stuck in my head since this morning. Remember how you used to sing it ever day on the first day of school? And you'd get it stuck in my head all the time?"

"Yeah. But you never complained." Cary laughs softly.

Her voice, her laugh, her smile. All of it. They all reflect a broken inside, shattered but slowly healing, slowly growing stronger. Slowly letting me back in, with a key she'd given me long ago, that she'd given me, and then forgotten to change the locks. But maybe she didn't change them on purpose, maybe she'd always wanted for me to come back in, to make my way back into her life by myself. Because when we grew up we were inseparable. The friendship we'd had was too strong not to last. Back then, we'd made bonds that would last a lifetime. WILL last a lifetime. And hopefully it'll be our lifetimes that they last. I've missed her too much to stay away any longer. To make her think I don't care. To put her through thinking I don't care. Thinking it's even POSSIBLE for me to dump her like cold spagetti. I'd only left her thinking that if I didn't, she'd end up hating me. Well, look what happened, despite all my work. Everything I did to try and make a clean break for her. But her darn big heart with my wrapped in it just wouldn't let me go. Wouldn't accept that I didn't want her anymore. But the thing was, through all these years, I've wanted nothing more that to just come back to Cary, and the way things were, falling in step, living life like it's easy because we had someone who knew us better than we knew ourselves. But I didn't think I could. I didn't think she'd take me back, as terrible a friend as I've been. But after I saw how much I'd hurt her, how much hope she still had left in me that was hurting her more than I ever could, I had to sever the last ends, make her think there was no way that I'd come back, let her move on. But she didn't. She waited for me. She had faith in me I didn't have in myself.
And I love her for it.