He Never Told Me What He Did for a Living

Morning came with the loud steady beat of a drum in my head and an extremely disappointed-looking Angel standing next to me. “About time you woke up,” she said.

I pressed my face deeper into the pillow. “Why don’t you yell a little louder?” I muttered sarcastically.

“Get up and take this aspirin and quit being so whiny,” she said, crossing her arms.

I sat up too fast and winced as my stomach clenched. I sprinted to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before I was emptying my stomach. The sour smell didn’t help my headache, and it sure didn’t help my stomach. I flushed the toilet and rinsed my mouth out at the sink, then stood studying my reflection. The makeup Angel had put on me the night before had run terribly, drying to black streaks on my cheeks. I sighed and turned away from the mirror to find Angel standing near the doorway.

“How mad is he, Angel?” I asked softly.

She shook her head, her lips pressed together. “You need to go see your Gran,” she said.

I looked at her in alarm. “What? Is she okay?”

Angel pulled me over to sit on the bed, then joined me. “Mrs. Way called your phone while you were still sleeping. She said that your Gran’s pneumonia has progressed quickly, and she can’t fight it. They've moved her to the Intensive Care Unit, but…Josie, the doctors don’t think she has much time left.”

My heart sank, settling into my stomach like a stone. “How long?” I whispered hoarsely.

“Mrs. Way said 48 hours. More or less, maybe. Her lungs are failing and she has turned down the respirator.”

“I can talk to her. She’ll do it, for me. She has to,” I said quickly, my hopes rising.

“Josie…she’s already signed the papers. There’s nothing you can do,” Angel said, her arms engulfing me in a hug.

I sat still, thoughts running wild in my mind. I was still sitting there when Angel stood and told me to dress quickly and she’d take me to the hospital. The door clicking shut finally snapped me out of my stupor.

I borrowed a pair of Angel’s black sweatpants and a gray hoodie and scrubbed at my face quickly, leaving it red and angry but still pale. I shoved my phone into the kangaroo pocket of the hoodie and slipped my feet into the black Converse I’d worn the night before.

By the time I slid into the warm passenger’s seat, my heart was pounding and my hands were trembling. My stomach clenched, and I prayed I wouldn’t be sick again.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I begged for someone, anyone, to wake me up from this nightmare. Tears dripped down my cheeks as I imagined my Gran cold and still, her heart no longer beating. Please, God, please, don’t take her from me, I prayed.

I felt Angel’s hand cover mine, and I was comforted simply by the fact that I wasn’t alone.

By the time we reached the hospital, I had stopped crying, but I was still a bundle of shivering, shaking nerves. My head was still pounding in my ears, and my stomach felt sick. Angel rattled off the ICU room number and directed me down the hall. Even if she hadn’t, I would’ve known where to go- Donna stood in the hallway. She wrapped me in a hug as soon as she saw me. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said, then kissed the top of my head before pulling away. “I called the boys as well, to let them know. Gerard seemed upset or distracted about something, but I’m sure he’ll keep in touch with you.”

Nodding, I didn’t offer anything more. “Thanks. Is…is Gran awake?”

Mrs. Way glanced back at the room. “She’s sleeping now, but you should go on in, Josie. The ICU has visiting hours, and some of these people have no empathy,” she huffed.

I thanked her and opened the door to slip inside as quietly as I could. The curtains rustled softly as I parted them to step through.

The figure in the bed didn’t look like my Gran. She seemed even smaller than she had yesterday, and her hair looked tangled. I could hear her breath rattling in her lungs, and when she didn’t immediately exhale, my heart lurched. But then she moved slightly, and out came her breath in a sigh. She opened her eyes and blinked a few times, as if clearing her vision.

“Gran,” I whispered softly, and choked back the sob rising in my throat as best I could. I reached for her, curling my fingers around her fragile hand and trying not to hold it too tightly.

“Josie,” Gran sighed out. “Happy…to see…you.”

I brushed away a tear with my palm. “Please reconsider,” I pleaded.

Gran’s mouth turned up into a slight smile as she shook her head. “I am ready.”

Hearing that she had accepted her death already was difficult, even though Gerard had explained it to me before. A heavy weight crushed my heart and lungs. I struggled to draw a breath and realized I was crying too hard. In my despair, I’d fallen to my knees on the floor, my hand still twined with Gran’s, and I sobbed into the hospital bed sheets. “I’m not ready, Gran,” I said. I had to force the words out, and then I was able to breathe.

“Be strong,” she told me, then gestured to the mauve colored pitcher. “Water, please.”

I picked up the pitcher and discovered it was empty. “I’ll have to go get some, Gran.”

She nodded her approval. “I love you, Josie.”

I smiled softly and tucked the memory away in a safe place. “I love you too, Gran. I’ll hurry,” I said, then hurried through the curtains and down the corridor to the nurse’s station. “I need some more water, please,” I told the nurse on duty.

“I’m sorry hon, the one in this wing is broken. Check the cafeteria,” she said, gesturing down the hall to my right.

Sighing, I walked as fast as I could to the cafeteria, where it took me a while to find someone who could help me. Finally, I had a pitcher of water for Gran, and I was upset that it had taken so much of my precious time with her.

As I rounded the corner to go back to the ICU wing, an urgent voice spoke though an intercom. “Code blue in ICU 4! Code blue in ICU 4!”

Two nurses brushed past me, jostling my shoulder as they hurried down the hall. Code blue in ICU 4. Terror froze the blood in my veins as it dawned on me that ICU Room 4 was where Gran had been moved.

“NO!” I screamed as I pushed my body forward, holding the pitcher tightly and dodging a janitor and nurses with food trays as I ran.

I shoved past an orderly who tried to stop me from going into Gran’s room and narrowly avoided another. Two more stood at her door, shoulder to shoulder, and in trying to shove my way past, I spilled the water over us all. I let the pitcher fall, and as it clanked on the tile floor, the sight of a doctor shaking his head at the nurse holding a clipboard next to him made me freeze. She jotted down something on her clipboard, then moved to help the doctor pull a sheet up. As she moved, I caught sight of my Gran’s peaceful face, her still chest and body.

My scream echoed through the room as I launched myself against the arms of the men holding me. “No! Gran!” Over and over I screamed, throwing my weight forward and finally breaking their hold. I reached for her, yanking the sheet back down. “Gran!” I sobbed, my throat raw and breathing ragged. “No, Gran, wake up!” I shook her shoulder carefully, then harder when she didn’t respond.

One of the orderlies reached for me, gripping my upper arm with his hand in a vise-like grip. I let my body loose, dropping to the floor and pulling him off balance, but he didn’t lose his grip.

“No, no, no,” I moaned. I reached for Gran’s hand, and when she didn’t return my squeeze, I knew she was gone.

Numbly, I let myself collapse on the floor, Gran’s limp hand hanging off the bed.

“Help her stand,” I heard someone say and I felt myself being pulled to my feet. “Sedate her until someone comes for her.”

But they didn’t know. The only person who’d loved me no matter what is gone.

Gran is gone.