I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

We were two states over, checking into what looked to be a simple spirit. Sam and I were sitting on the couch in his and Dean’s motel room, looking up information, while Dean and Ella were out investigating.

Sam and I hadn’t talked at all since leaving California, and I was currently in the process of trying to think of something to say. I knew I owed him an explanation—and a major one at that. He had lied to his brother for me, and I hated making him do it.

I sighed deeply in frustration and he glanced up for the smallest second, then quickly looked back at his computer screen. 'Dammit,' I cursed internally. 'Why won’t he even look at me? I told him I’d explain!' I sighed again. 'Guess I should go on and get it over with.'

“She told me what you are,” I said, having made up my mind, then started kicking myself for my wonky choice of words. 'Great, offend him before he even knows what you’re talking about.'

Sam’s head jerked up instantly. “What d’you mean?” he asked, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.

I replied with my own question. “Why didn’t you tell me you were Lucifer’s vessel, Sammy?”

“Oh,” he said, frowning. “That.”

I gazed at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue, but he didn’t. “Why?” I prompted. “I know about everything else; why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“It’s not really that important,” he shrugged. I rolled my eyes in disbelief. “I didn’t wanna freak you out. I like having you around, and I thought you’d run if you knew.”

I tried not to show how happy that confession made me. 'He kept it a secret ‘cause he likes me!' I rejoiced in my head. 'He was scared that I would leave him!' “That’s mental,” I scoffed. “Your blood drinking didn’t turn me away, did it? So why would you possibly being evil devil spawn bother me?” His face fell a little at that, and I immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry,” I said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean… That came out wrong. I could never… You’re not evil, Sam; I know that. It was a joke—an awful, stupid joke. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said quietly. “I mean, I get it. That’s the most popular theory—that I’m seriously evil. Can’t really blame them. I’ve done a lot of shit I’m not proud of.”

I moved closer to him and placed my hand on his forearm hesitantly, trying awkwardly to comfort him. “Hey, don’t worry about it,” I said. “If anyone should be apologizing for anything, it should be me. I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. And there’s an assload you don’t know about me, too. Emphasis on ‘assload.’ So, secret for a secret?” He nodded. “Okay…” I said hesitantly. 'What first? Should I tell him something Britt said or tell him about my father’s death? Which am I less freaked by?' Okay, I didn’t really have to even think about that one. 'Daddy it is.'

“Okay,” I said again, steadying myself. He stared at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes, waiting patiently. “I… I didn’t run away when I was little, like I told you I did. Well, not at first, anyway. My powers manifested that night, and I kinda… I accidentally killed my father.”

Sam didn’t react how I expected him to. There was no shock, no anger, no grabbing his gun, just… acceptance. “I kinda figured,” he said. “When you told me that you ran away, I knew you weren’t telling me everything, but you told me that much, so I didn’t wanna push you. And even before you told me about your past, I had already guessed about your powers. You really need to learn to control your temper, y’know that?”

“Shut up,” I snapped, shoving him playfully, and he chuckled. “And, so, that was kinda pointless. Okay. Damn.”

He laughed again and said, “No, I mean, you trusting me enough to tell me that… Well, thanks.” He grinned, looking a little embarrassed. “So, my turn, I guess?” I nodded. “You already know about Lilith and Ruby and my whole blood thing.” I nodded again. “Well, when Lucifer first rose, he started coming to me in my dreams. He told me that I was his vessel and I had always been ‘the one.’ Since I raised him, it made it even more concrete. The whole Winchester bloodline is supposed to be special somehow. It’s supposed to be my destiny or something.”

I didn’t respond at first, processing what he told me. Then something Britt had said struck me. “She said something about a sword…” I began slowly.

“Ah, the Michael Sword,” Sam said with a slight mocking tone, and I nodded. “It’s another term for Michael’s vessel. It’s Dean, of course. We never catch a break, do we?”

“Wait a minute. So, you and Dean are destined to fight to the death as Michael and Lucifer?” I asked, shocked.

“Pretty much,” Sam said, shrugging as if it was nothing, but I saw right through that. “The final battle will end the Apocalypse, and, depending on who wins, the world will either become paradise or hell.”

“Wow. And I thought I had a rough life,” I mused. “But shouldn’t you be Lucifer’s meat suit by now?” I asked curiously.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” he snapped, his eyes hardening with pain and anger.

“Wait, what? What did I say?” I exclaimed, confused by his sudden mood swing. “He should’ve possessed you by now, shouldn’t he? I mean, unless you’ve got a charm or tattoo or something, but he’s Satan, so I doubt that would really work.”

A look of clarity crossed Sam’s face and his expression softened. “Oh, I know what you mean now,” he said, chuckling tensely. “Lucifer isn’t some high-level demon; he’s an angel. And angels need permission from their chosen vessels. So I have to say yes for him to take over.”

“Oh,” I said, understanding now. “Why’d you freak out on me like that?”

Sam sighed and said, “I didn’t know that you didn’t know about angels needing permission. So, when you asked why I wasn’t Lucifer already, I thought you meant that you didn’t think I was strong enough to deny him.”

“Why the fuck would you think that?” I asked, slightly offended by his assumption.

“Because that’s what Dean thinks, and you two are practically the same person.” I was about to argue, but he was right. That was probably why Dean and I butted heads so much. “He thinks I’ll give in,” Sam continued. “I can’t really blame him—I mean, it pisses the hell outta me, but I haven’t really given him much of a reason to believe in me lately, have I? What with Ruby and everything.” He looked down at his hands dejectedly, his shoulders slumped, and, even without the puppy dog eyes, I didn’t think I’d ever seen anything more pitiful and heartbreaking in my whole life. It was worse than seeing Ella cry.

“Hey, I know I haven’t known you near as long as Dean has,” I said softly, “but I know you’re strong enough. You’re the strongest person I know; to have been through all of that and still keep going takes an unimaginable amount of willpower. You won’t say yes, Sam. I know it.”

I don’t know how it happened, but it did: I ended up in his lap with my arms around his neck and his hands tangling in my hair. I realized every time we kissed, it was at least ten times better than the last. We became more and more closely entwined and his tongue entered my mouth, causing me to let out a small moan of pleasure.

Just as his hands were straying under my shirt, I heard the jingle of keys and we sprang apart, both breathing hard. I slid away from him and grabbed my laptop, then propped my feet up on the coffee table and tried to look inconspicuous. “Stop blushing!” I hissed at Sam, trying my hardest not to laugh. “You’re gonna give us away!” He blushed deeper for a second, then gave me a sexy half-grin that almost had me jumping back into his lap. Ella and Dean entered the room then and gave us suspicious looks, but thankfully didn’t say anything. “So, what’d you find?” I asked casually.

“Nothing,” Dean huffed. “Not our kinda gig. They caught the guy right when we got there.”

“So we’re hitting the road, Jack?”

Dean smirked and said, “Sounds like a plan.” He sighed. “Man, I really wanted to burn something,” he said, disappointed. “C’mon, let’s get outta here.” He slung his still-packed bag over his shoulder and walked out. Ella followed right behind him.

As soon as they left, I inched closer to Sam, wanting to finish what we started. I pulled him to me and couldn’t help but smile a little against his lips; I’d waited so long for this, and I’d never wanted anything more.

This time, we were interrupted by a loud knock on the door and Ella shouting, “Hurry up!” impatiently.

I reluctantly detached myself from Sam and stood up, sighing longingly. He chuckled and gave me that tantalizing half-grin again, looking very proud of himself, and stood up, too, towering over me.

I slapped his arm and said, “Don’t look so cocky; you might turn into Dean!”

He laughed and shook his head, saying, “No way. I’m way hotter than Dean.”

“I’m telling him you said that!” I said loudly, then took off running, slinging open the door and sprinting toward the parking lot. I could feel Sam behind me and I sped up, trying fruitlessly to outrun a human skyscraper.

“Get back here!” he laughed. Right as I reached Dean and Ella, Sam’s arms went around my waist and lifted me off the ground. “Gotcha!” he said triumphantly.

“Ah! Put me down!” I shrieked, kicking wildly. Dean and Ella stared at us like they’d never seen anything weirder in their entire lives. “Dean!” I gasped. “Sam says he’s—“ One of Sam’s hands covered my mouth, making the rest of my statement come out in an unintelligible mumble, and he laughed.

“What?” Dean asked slowly, taking a wary step backward.

I tried to speak around Sam’s hand again, but still couldn’t. Finally, I managed to bite his hand and he released me with a yelp. I stuck my tongue out at him, then said to Dean, “Sammy says he’s hotter than you!”

“Well, now, is that true, Sammy?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow and trying to look stern. I could tell he was really thrown off by my change in attitude and by Sam’s interaction with me.

“So what if it is?” Sam said defiantly, smirking and trying not to laugh.

Dean failed to think of a reply, instead simply saying, “Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Ella and I looked at each other and shrugged, then she said, “Floppy-wanded dementor buggerer.”

“Blast-Ended Skank,” I replied without hesitation, and we both busted out laughing.

The boys gave us bewildered looks, then simultaneously shook their heads. “You ready to go yet?” Dean asked me.

“Just one sec,” I replied. “Gotta put my stuff in the trunk.” I headed back to Sam and Dean’s room and smiled as Sam fell into step beside me.

“I’m gonna get you back for that,” he warned, grinning.

“I’m counting on it, Sammy,” I said slyly, winking at him, and he blushed a little. “Oh, and for the record, you really are way hotter than Dean.”