I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

“What is it, Sammy?” I asked, finally responding to the curious stare he’d been fixing me with for the last five minutes.

“Hm?” he said. “What d’you mean?”

“You’ve been staring at me for ages, and it’s kinda making me uncomfortable.”

“Oh, sorry.” I sat patiently and waited for him to explain. “I was just wondering… What did Britt say to you about you?”

'Shit. Not that. Anything but that.' I had been purposely avoiding talking about Britt for the past few days, hoping he would forget that I had promised to share my newfound information. Apparently, I had no such luck.

“Oh, um… a lot of stuff. It’s not really all that interesting.” Sam raised his eyebrows skeptically and I sighed. “Well, let’s just say my worst fears about my powers were confirmed,” I said finally.

“What ‘worst fears?’”

I settled further back onto the lumpy couch cushions of our current motel room and sighed again. “Sam…” I half-whined.

“You promised,” he reminded me helpfully.

“Yeah, I know that. But you’re gonna get freaked out. And you better not tell Dean! He will definitely start reevaluating his decision to trust me!” He gave me those puppy dog eyes and I slapped his arm. “What did I say about doing that? It’s so not fair!”

“Sorry,” he chuckled, but I could tell he wasn’t sorry at all. And really, I didn’t actually want him to stop using that adorable expression, even if I lost every single argument we ever had.

“Fine,” I relented. “If you must know, Britt told me that my mom was a witch.” Sam’s eyes widened slightly, but he didn’t say anything, so I continued.

“She was the leader of a coven and when she found out she was pregnant with me, she tried to leave. She couldn’t escape, so she eventually left me. She thought she was protecting me…” I looked down briefly, then looked back up at Sam. He gave me an encouraging half-smile and I couldn’t help but return it. His smile was just infectious. “Well, the demon who gave her her powers killed her, of course.” '

It shouldn’t be this easy to talk about my mom’s death,' I thought guiltily. 'It should bother me at least a little, shouldn’t it?' I hesitated then, and he noticed. I leaned back against him and loved how he fidgeted a little. He was still so nervous, even though we’d made out a few times before, and it never failed to improve my mood. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. 'Why is this the part that bothers me so badly?' I wondered. 'Sam knows how this feels; he’s got demon blood, too. We can relate, right?'

“Garideth,” he said softly, jolting me out of my thoughts. My heart skipped a beat at how he said my name. 'Okay, so not helping, Sammy. If you wanna know what’s going on, never say my name again. It’s way too distracting.' “Just tell me.”

“Okay, then. Mr. Head Demon fed me his blood, just like Azazel did to you. That’s why my mom’s powers passed on to me. It awakened the traces of her magic in me or something, I dunno.” I watched him expectantly, but he didn’t react at all. “What’s wrong?” I asked, getting worried. “It’s not that bad, is it? I mean, it hasn’t really affected me all that much.”

“So Dean was right, then,” he said, and I blinked a few times, caught off guard. 'Right about what?!' I wondered bewilderedly. “You really were drinking it. And I defended you.” He looked at me, his hazel eyes filled with hurt and a slight bit of disgust. He started to move away from me, but I grabbed his arm.

“Sammy, wait a minute!” I said hurriedly. “I wasn’t drinking demon blood! Britt explained that, too!”

“Oh, yeah? And what did she say?”

“She said I don’t need the blood because my powers give me all the juice I need!” I wasn’t about to tell him that Britt’s “you don’t even know your full potential” speech pretty much implied that drinking demon blood would make me even more powerful. It didn’t matter. I was never going to do it. “You know me! I wouldn’t lie to you, Sammy, you know that. Especially not about this.” 'Technically, withholding information isn’t lying,' I reassured myself, but I still felt bad about it.

He stared at me for a minute, then said, “You’re right; I’m sorry.”

I smiled a little. “It’s okay,” I said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

He grinned adorably and opened his mouth to say something, but Ella and Dean came into the room at that exact moment. “Dean, what’s wrong?” Ella whined, tugging on his sleeve.

“We gotta go,” he said angrily, gently jerking out of Ella’s grasp.

“Okay, where to?” she asked, her wide eyes making it clear that she was willing to do whatever he said.

“’We,’ as in, Sam and me,” he replied slowly, not meeting Ella’s gaze.

“What d’you mean?” she asked him, narrowing her eyes. “We been with y’all for ages and now you’re just gonna ditch us?”

“It’s complicated,” he said lamely and Ella and I rolled our eyes simultaneously. “Sammy, I gotta talk to you,” he said, turning to us. “Outside.” Sam gave his brother a questioning look, but, with a
clueless shrug in my direction, obeyed without question.

“What the hell?!” Ella exclaimed as soon as the door shut. “How could he--?! How could they--?! Ugh!” I sat quietly on the couch, watching her rant. “And why aren’t ya angry about this? With you and Sam hookin’ up all the time now, I reckoned you’d be pretty damn pissed!”

I shrugged and said, “Did you really think this whole barbershop quartet thing we had going would last?” She didn’t answer, but she didn’t have to. I knew what she was thinking already: yes, she did think it would last because that was just Ella, always deluding herself into thinking things were perfect and that they would stay that way. “Maybe it’s for the best; we were both getting too attached.” 'Me, especially.'

“I wish ya’d stop actin’ like ya don’t care!” Ella snapped. “You’re not foolin’ anyone, Gari! Not Sam, not Dean, and certainly not me!”

“I do care, Ella!” I retorted, jumping to my feet. “More than you know! But I’m not gonna get worked up about this because it won’t solve anything! They’ll leave regardless! Get your head outta the clouds for once, Elle, and stop pretending the world isn’t an awful place when you know it is! People leave, Ella. Hunters leave. It’s what we’re good at.” I sat back down on the couch, crossing my arms and legs in frustration.

Tears welled up in her big blue eyes and I knew I had gone too far. She turned away from me and wiped her eyes. “I don’t care what ya say, Gari,” she choked out, sniffling loudly. “I’m not givin’ up on him.”

'Looks like there’s always a goddamn foot in my mouth.' “Ella…” I started slowly. “Elle, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” She turned back to me and a tear ran down her cheek. I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her down beside me. “Hey, I’m sorry,” I repeated pleadingly. “I was lying; that’s what I love about you, that no matter what, you believe the world is a beautiful place and know that things will get better.” I put my arm around her and squeezed her tight. “They won’t be gone for long; you know Dean’s whole purpose in life is to make you happy.” She laughed at that and wiped her eyes. “Forgive me?” I asked, and she nodded and hugged me.

Just then, the boys came busting in. “We heard yelling,” Sam said, his eyes scanning the room for signs of possible danger. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I replied, trying desperately to keep the melancholy note out of my voice. I met Sam’s eyes and he seemed to know what I was thinking: 'Will they really come back?'

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

“Why are you following us?” I asked the demon sharply, but he just sat there and stared at me. “Answer me!” I commanded, clenching my fist to better focus my powers, and the demon screamed in pain and anger.

“Nice trick,” he panted once I’d stopped, “but that won’t work on me.”

“Wanna bet?” I clenched my fist again and closed my eyes, finding a kind of sick enjoyment in hearing the bastard scream.

“Alright!” he yelled finally. “Alright, I’ll talk! Just—stop, please!”

I did as he said, dropping my hand to my side. “A demon with manners,” I said mockingly. “Now there’s a first.”

“Lucifer told us to keep tabs on you,” the demon rushed out.

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know, I don’t—“ I clenched my fist again and the demon yelled, “Okay, okay! He wants to know when the Winchesters are coming back!” I relaxed my hand then.

“Well, they’re not,” I replied, letting the actual doubt I was feeling flood my voice so as to better fool the demon. “We parted ways. For good.”

“Yeah, right.” The demon rolled his eyes and smirked. “You really think lying to a demon's a smart idea?”

I ignored that comment and asked, “Why does Lucifer care whether they’re with us or not? It doesn’t change anything.”

“Lucifer thinks Sam’s less likely to cave when he’s with you. He can barely even reach Sam in his dreams anymore. That puts him at a disadvantage, and he’s not happy.”

“What a pity,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Well, thanks for your help. I’ll be sure to think of you the next time I torture a demon.”

“Are you gonna let me go?”

“Are you fucking high?” I asked with a disbelieving laugh. “I can’t have you running back to the big guy and telling him what we know.” The demon blanched and I grinned. “If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor. I’m sure if your boss found out, he’d tear you one hell of a new one and make you wish I’d killed you. So, I’m providing a service for a service.”

I closed my eyes and stretched out my hand, focusing my powers on the demon smoke inside of the human vessel. The demon started coughing and the smoke poured out of his mouth, burning into nothing as it touched the ground. The human slumped over and I checked his pulse, then smiled in satisfaction. I’d only ever killed two vessels before, and that was when I had first started out.

“Hey, Elle!” I called, and she entered the room.

“We clear?” she asked.

“Yeah, he’s alive,” I replied. “Care to get him outta here? I’ve gotta make a call.”

“Sure thing,” Ella said, walking over and untying the man, then half-carrying, half-dragging him out of the room. “Be back in ten!”

I heard the door shut and pulled out my phone, going through my contacts until I found Sam’s number. After a moment of hesitation, I hit “Send” and lifted the phone to my ear.

“It’s Sam,” his voicemail said curtly. “You know what to do.” I sighed. I’d really wanted to talk to him. I missed hearing his voice.

“Hey, Sammy, it’s me,” I said into the mouthpiece, knowing that I didn’t have to give my name. “We’ve got demons tailing us, watching us on Lucifer’s orders. They’re supposed to let him know when you come back to us. Apparently, you’re less likely to say yes around me—um, around us.” 'Shit,' I cursed internally. 'Please don’t pick up on that.' “I just wanted to warn you.”

I pressed “End” and slid my phone into my pocket, sighing even more deeply than before. They’d been gone for almost three weeks, and we hadn’t heard one word from them. I was starting to worry.

By then, I had told Ella about the Apocalypse and that Sam was Lucifer's vessel—I didn’t tell her any of the back story (so nothing about Sam actually starting the Apocalypse), but I told her enough for her to understand what was going on.

She had made a very valid point: if this was the Apocalypse, why did everything seem so normal? We’d expected numerous natural disasters and monsters acting up everywhere, but everything was exactly the same as it had been before, just with the looming threat that Lucifer was out there somewhere, biding his time.

What would happen if Sam said yes? Would that be when the real Apocalypse began?

We couldn’t afford to find out.

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

My phone rang and I groaned, rolling over to look at the time. '4:03. Great. Now I’m awake and I have a Shinedown song stuck in my head.'

“Hello?” I said groggily as I answered the phone and tried not to drop it.

“Gari? It’s Sam.”

My eyes popped open all the way and I sat up, instantly forgetting how tired I was. “Sam?” I said, kicking myself at the painfully apparent relief in my voice. “What’s up?”

“The message you left me…”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“I need you to tell me everything the demon said. Can you do that for me?” He sounded just about as tired as I was, and I wondered what they’d been up to.

“He said that Lucifer was keeping tabs on us,” I answered readily, just so glad to be talking to him again. “So that he’ll know when you two get back.”

“And why’s that?”

“Lucifer thinks you’re less likely to say yes when you’re with us.”

“Is that what he said?”

“No, not technically.” I bit my lip in hesitation. 'Oh, God, this is gonna be awkward.' “He said that you’re less likely to say yes when you’re with me.” I paused to see if he would say anything, but he didn’t, so I continued. “He said that, ever since you got with me, Lucifer can barely reach you in your dreams, and that he’s unhappy at the disadvantage that causes.” There was still silence on the other end. “Sam?” I said quietly. “Is that—is that true? He can’t even reach you in dreams when you’re here?”

“Yeah, it’s true,” Sam replied finally, though he sounded very reluctant to admit it.

“Have you been having them more since you left?” I asked softly, not sure if I wanted to know.

“Once or twice,” he admitted, sighing.

“Well, y’know what that means, then, right?” I said fiercely. “You’ve gotta get your ass back here faster than a speeding bullet so we can kick Lucifer outta your head. I know there’s no way you’ll say yes regardless, but…” I hesitated a moment, then resumed talking. “But I’d feel a hell of a lot better if you were back here, and I know Elle would feel better if Dean was, too.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said. “I’ll—we’ll get back as soon as we can.”

“We’ll be at Bobby’s,” I told him. “I haven’t seen him in a while and I miss the old man. We’ll probably stay for a while; there hasn’t been a lot of supernatural activity lately, despite the fact that it’s the end of the world as we know it.”

He chuckled at that and I felt a grin spread across my face. “Okay, well… we’ll be there soon,” he assured me. “Don’t worry.”

“Yeah, that’ll happen,” I said sarcastically, then hung up and put my phone back on the bedside table.

I snuggled back under the covers and closed my eyes, though I knew I wouldn’t be going back to sleep anytime soon. “If You Only Knew” started playing in my head, and I mouthed the words to myself.

“It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep. Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life. Breathe your breath in me. The only thing that I still believe in is you. If you only knew…”