I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

Ella had convinced Dean to stay in Abbeville for one more day, to my annoyance. I couldn’t really blame her, though. She had a lot of good memories associated with the town.

I was playing solitaire on my laptop when Sam came in the room. “Where are Dean and Ella?” he asked as he sat down across from me at the wobbly table.

“Cemetery,” I replied, and he raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Ella wanted to say goodbye.”

“Who’s Camilla?” he asked suddenly, and I stared at him nervously. 'Ah, shit.' “She’s Ella’s sister, isn’t she? She’s what got Greg into hunting.”

I sighed and closed my laptop. I knew that Ella would have told Dean by now—she was taking him to Camilla’s grave, so he had to know the story—but I wasn’t sure if she wanted to be the one to tell Sam, or if she would leave it up to me.

Propping my head on my hand, I looked at Sam and said, “Yeah, she is.”

“Well, what happened?” he prompted eagerly, then he blushed a little and looked down at the table. “Sorry, I didn’t… You don’t have to tell me. I mean, I know it’s personal, so…”

“No, it’s not that. I just don’t really know if Elle wanted to tell you herself. But it couldn’t hurt, I guess.” 'Alright, looks like I talked myself into it. I hope Ella doesn’t mind…'

“You don’t have to tell me,” he said again, softening his gaze and giving me a weakened form of his puppy dog eyes.

I sighed, shaking my head and smiling slightly as I marveled over the effect he had on me. 'Of course I'm gonna tell you, Sammy. Don't I tell you everything?'

“First of all, their mom died giving birth to Elle.” I jingled the bells on my bracelet nervously, trying to decide how to begin. “Camilla was killed by a werewolf,” I said finally. “She was twelve years old, and Ella was ten. Ella saw it happen, and Greg came in right as it was about to jump her.”

I found myself picturing the event as I spoke, just as I had the first time I heard the story.

Ella would’ve been shorter, but probably not by much. She had a slightly more babyish face, but it was still framed by untamed strawberry blonde curls that highlighted her wide sapphire blue eyes. I could see her walking into the room and finding the werewolf hunched over Camilla’s body. The monster hadn’t ripped Camilla open yet, like it was waiting for something. However, claw marks ran from Camilla's shoulders to her wrists, and she was lying in a pool of her own blood. I could hear Ella screaming and alerting the beast of her presence, yet also letting Greg know that something was terribly wrong.

“Greg didn’t know how to kill it, of course,” I continued. “He wounded it, but it got away. And it took Camilla with it.” I pictured the werewolf grabbing Camilla and busting through the window, leaving behind nothing but shattered glass, a puddle of blood, and a broken family. “Greg never stopped hunting that son of a bitch, and he made it his job to gun down every evil thing he could find. He never found the werewolf…” I trailed off as my eyes started watering, and I swallowed deeply and stared at the table.

“Gari, I’m sorry,” Sam said softly. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

I ignored his remark, still staring down at the table, and said, “Ella went crazy when he died. She was always after that werewolf, dragging me all over the country to find it. She’s scary when she’s obsessed. I guess that’s one of the reasons I hated John so much, even besides the obvious.”

The atmosphere turned tense all of a sudden, and I knew why. Sam knew I was getting close to further explaining my hatred for his father. “Elle’s obsessive nature reminded me of his, and I couldn’t bear the thought of her ending up like him, and getting people killed for it.”

There was a sharp intake of breath from Sam’s direction. “What are you talking about?” he asked urgently. “Gari, what d’you mean? You told me Dad was basically responsible for Greg’s death, but how…?”

“I’m surprised at you, Sammy,” I said with a bittersweet smile. “I thought you would’ve figured it out by now.” He leaned toward me, confusion and worry etched on his face. “John killed him, Sammy. He wasn’t just responsible for it, he did it.”

“How?” he asked tersely.

“Greg was possessed. He’d never come across demons before, didn’t even know they were real, so there’s no way he could’ve protected himself. John had the Colt, and he took the shot.”

“But why?! Why wouldn’t he exorcise him?! Dad wouldn’t just shoot without trying anything!”

“Yeah, well, you dunno who the demon was,” I said quietly, biting my lip.

“Well, who was—?” Sam stopped abruptly, his mouth hanging open in shock as realization hit him.

“It was Azazel,” I confirmed. “I didn’t know it then, all I knew was he had yellow eyes. Then, when Britt told me about him, I realized he was the one.”

“How did you know he had yellow eyes?” he asked, dread and pity filling his voice.

“’Cause I saw the whole thing.” I stared down at my hands and twisted them around in my lap. “I was supposed to stay in the car, but I was reckless and cocky and thought I could help. I got there right before John pulled the trigger.”

“But… but then Azazel should’ve died!” Sam said angrily, slamming his hand down on the table, and I flinched, then hesitantly placed my hand on top of his and glanced up at him, frowning at the
frustration on his face.

“No, he made it out just in time. John shot Greg in the gut. It wasn’t fatal enough to kill a demon, but it sure was fatal enough to kill a human. Greg bled out before we could even move him. He died in my arms. I’ve hated John ever since.”

I wiped my eyes hurriedly, before any more tears could escape. “Sorry, I just never really talk about it, y’know? The only time Elle and I ever discussed it was right after it happened. She doesn’t know that I saw it. John told her the story, but left out the part about me. And to think, if she had disobeyed Greg like I did and had gotten out of the car, she’d have seen him die, too. I can’t imagine how broken she’d be.”

Sam sat back in his chair, obviously trying to think of something to say. He finally started, “Gari, I—“

“I’m sorry,” I interrupted him, and his shock at my seemingly random apology stopped him midsentence. I looked up at him and bit my lip. 'I never thought I would ever say this.' “For always insulting John. And for taking my hatred for him out on you and Dean. He was your father, and he was a good man. He was just devoted to the cause, I guess. Just like all the others.”

“That’s no excuse,” Sam said, frowning deeply. “That’s at least two deaths he’s responsible for, and we seem to follow in his footsteps. Because of him, Bill Harvelle and Greg died. And because of us, Jo and Ellen are dead, too. Maybe we really are cursed. And if the whole family theme keeps on, you and Ella could be next.”

“Don’t say that, Sammy!” I said fiercely, tightening my grip on his hand as he tried to pull away. “You aren’t cursed—that’s just ridiculous! You are so much better than John. He was a good man, but he let his hatred get in the way. You don’t. You know there are more important things in the world than just ridding it of evil.”

“You should’ve seen me after Jess died,” he said quietly. 'Jess?' “My girlfriend,” he clarified, noticing the confusion on my face. “I was just like him, and I hated it. Everyone always says that Dean is just like Dad, but that’s a lie. It’s me. I’m the one who gets obsessive; I’m the one who’s blind to everything but the cause.”

“If that was the case, you wouldn’t be here right now,” I reminded him, a small smile playing on my lips.

He froze, at a loss for words. Finally, he gave a small laugh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“When are you gonna learn?” I teased. “I’m always right.”

He chuckled again and gazed at me thoughtfully. “Thanks,” he said.

“No problem.” Sam smiled a little, but it soon faded. “Sammy, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said a little too quickly.

I raised my eyebrows skeptically, but didn’t push it. If it was important, he’d eventually tell me. “So, I’ve got a question,” I said.

He fidgeted uncomfortably. “Yeah?”

“What’s the deal with the Horsemen? Why are you guys hunting them? I mean, I get that they’re evil and need to be killed, but it seems like you have an ulterior motive or something.”

“Oh,” he said quietly. “That.” It seemed I had reached the subject he had just been trying to avoid. I stared at him expectantly, and he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “The Horsemen each have a ring that gives them their power. Supposedly, the rings can be used to open Lucifer's cage in Hell. We’re gonna get him to the edge and shove him back in.”

“You’re serious?!” I said disbelievingly. “And you really think that’ll work?”

He slid his hand away from mine and dropped it into his lap. Warning bells went off in my head and dread pooled in my stomach. 'Oh, God. This can’t be good.'

“I don’t,” he said at last. “And, really, Dean doesn’t either. He just wants to.”

“So, then, new plan,” I said with a shrug, trying to keep the apprehension from my voice. He was about to say something devastating; I just knew it.

“I have one.”

“And?” I prompted. “What is it?” 'Maybe I shouldn’t have asked…'

“You can’t tell Dean.” The bad feeling kept getting stronger, even more so at that statement. 'If he’s keeping it from Dean, it has to be something bad.' I nodded slowly, though my telling Dean kind of depended on the information. Sam sighed again and shifted in his chair. Taking a deep breath, he looked at me and said, “I’m gonna say yes to Lucifer, and I’m gonna gain control and jump in.”

In that moment, I could practically see my world crashing down around me. So many things had happened lately that had made me realize how much I cared for Sam. 'I love him.' The realization hit me like a freight train. The thought scared me, especially since I had never believed in love before, not when it came to actually being in love with someone. Yet, here I was, falling head over heels for Sam Winchester. And, if he went through with his whole suicide mission, I was never going to see him again. There would be no coming back from that, not even for him.

I opened and closed my mouth repeatedly, trying to protest, but no sound came out. 'He can’t be serious; he can’t!' I thought desperately. 'There’s no way!'

“N—no,” I finally stuttered out. “No, Sammy, you can’t!”

“I have to, Gari; don’t you get it?” Sam said pleadingly, getting to his feet. “I started this—all of it! I let Lucifer out! I’ve gotta be the one to put him back in!”

“Sam, no! Please don’t—!”

He slammed his hands down on the table in frustration and I shrank back in my chair. “Dammit, Gari!” he exclaimed. “You’ve gotta understand! I want you with me on this!”

“Sam,” I said softly, “I’m with you on everything.” I stood up slowly and crossed my arms over my chest, as if I could defend myself against whatever he was going to say. “But not this. This is crazy, Sam! You can’t—!”

“So, what?!” he interrupted angrily. “You don’t think I’m strong enough or something?! Y’know, you really are just like Dean.” His voice was thick with disgust, but his bottomless eyes betrayed the hurt he was feeling.

“It’s not that!” I protested, finally getting mad. “Why d’you always jump to that?! I know you’re strong enough, Sam, and so does Dean! And it terrifies us ‘cause you know it, too!”

Sam came around the table and glared down at me. “Then what’s the problem?!” he asked, a small hint of actual confusion under his angry tone.

I laughed mirthlessly and threw my hands in the air. “Are you serious?!” I exclaimed disbelievingly. I momentarily debated sharing my new revelation with him, but decided against it. Wasn’t that kind of personal thing supposed to be shared in some kind of romantic setting or something?

“D’you not see how much Dean depends on you? How much I depend on you? How much we care?! If you say yes to Lucifer and jump in the hole, we lose you. Forever.” I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down. During my rant, papers had flown all over the room and the alarm clock had started beeping loudly. I closed my eyes momentarily, then opened them and said forcefully, “That is the problem, Sam. Losing you is the problem.”

He looked away from me guiltily and simply said, “Oh.”

“Yeah, so, think of another plan,” I snapped. “One that doesn’t involve your death.”

“Gari, that’s the only plan we’ve got,” he said, the stubbornness back in his voice, and he glared down at me again.

“Sam, I—”

Just then, there was a knock on the door, and we both jumped. I started to move toward the door, knowing it was Dean and Ella, but Sam grabbed my arms tightly and held me in place.

“Gari, listen to me,” he growled urgently. “You have to promise you won’t tell Dean. I’ll tell him eventually, but not now.” I stared up at him blankly, taking trembling breaths and trying to stop the tears that were threatening to spill over. I was never this emotionally unstable before I met him. He shook me roughly, a desperate and slightly wild look in his eyes. “Promise me!”

I didn’t know what to do. I knew he could stop Lucifer, and I knew he was the only one who could. While he was selflessly offering up his life to save the world, I was selfishly thinking only of what I would be losing if he did.

I pressed my lips together and exhaled shakily. “O—okay, Sammy,” I whispered, my voice catching. “I promise.”

Dean and Ella knocked on the door again, but we ignored it.

His expression softened and he loosened his grip on me. He frowned deeply, and I wondered what was coming next. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, and I realized that he was mad at himself for getting mad at me. “I just… I have to do this, Garideth. Please understand. Please.”

“I—I do, Sam,” I admitted reluctantly, and it was the truth. “I understand. I hate it. But if you think it’s up to you, if this is what you really want, I understand.”

“Thank you,” he said, sounding extremely relieved.

I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in his chest. “You’re welcome,” I mumbled, and he chuckled a little. He held me close and rubbed his hand in small circles on my back, trying to convey the strength and sincerity of his apology. I refused to think about losing him anymore, instead deciding to just focus on being with him and living in the moment.

Dean must have finally gotten fed up and picked the lock, for he and Ella entered the room not five seconds later. Sam and I didn’t break apart—I wasn’t planning on letting him go for about, oh, the rest of my life.

“Thanks for letting us in!” Dean said agitatedly.

“We were waitin’ out there for ages!” Ella added.

When neither of us responded, Dean said, “Hello? You can untangle now! Getting kinda uncomfortable, here!”

At that, I started laughing and finally released Sam. “You okay, Elle?” I asked her, and she nodded.

“It was nice seein’ them again,” she said with a sad smile, and Dean placed his arm around her shoulders.

“So, are we leaving tomorrow?” Sam asked.

“That’s the plan,” Dean replied.

“Let’s go eat tonight, then!” Ella said. “I wanna take y’all to the Village Grill! It’s the best restaurant ever!”

Sam and I shared a long, meaningful glance, then looked back at Ella. “Sure, babe,” I said, smiling slightly. “Whatever you want.”

As Ella squealed with delight, I started thinking about my conversation with Sam again. 'There has to be another way.' But as I thought it, something in my gut told me that there wasn’t, and I had learned by now that my instinct, no matter what it was telling me, was never wrong.

I twined my fingers through Sam’s and squeezed his hand tightly, plastering on a smile for Ella so she could enjoy her last night in her hometown.