I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

"That was Bobby,” Dean said as he snapped his phone shut. “He’s got a lead on Pestilence. Sorta.”

“So… you’re leavin’ again?” Ella asked dejectedly.

“Not tonight,” he replied, sitting down beside her on their bed. “Tomorrow, though, yeah. Will you two be okay hitching a ride back to Bobby’s?”

I glanced at Sam and saw the pleading look on his face, then looked back at Dean. “Yeah, sure,” I said exasperatedly.

“Why can’t we come with y’all?” Ella asked plaintively, and Dean sighed.

“We told you; we’re not getting the two of you mixed up in this,” he replied. “Right, Sammy?”

Sam nodded, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, then asked, “So, we have anything good? Or is this gonna be another wild goose chase?”

Dean ran a hand over his face. “I dunno,” he said, his voice muffled. “Bobby said something about Crowley trying to help. Not so sure how eager I am to accept it again, after last time.”

“Ellen and Jo,” Sam said at the question on my face, and I nodded in understanding.

“What?” Ella asked.

Dean shot Sam a death glare, then turned to Ella. “Crowley gave us the Colt and told us it would kill Lucifer. But it didn’t work. He claims he didn’t know it wouldn’t work, but he’s a demon, so…”

“Anyway, two of our friends, Ellen and Jo Harvelle, died trying to help us,” Sam finished.

“Harvelle?” Ella asked. “Like, Harvelle’s Roadhouse?” Sam nodded. “I used to love that place!”

“Only ‘cause you and Ash had a thing,” I muttered, giving her a sly grin.

Sam busted out laughing at the look on his brother’s face. “What?!” Dean spluttered. “You and Ash had a thing?!”

Ella blushed and hid her face in her hands. “It was only for a few months! And it was just sex!”

“Just sex?!” Dean repeated bewilderedly, and I began to laugh, too.

“Hey, don’t be a hypocrite!” Ella snapped back, her mouth in a small pout. “You’re the biggest whore that’s ever been!”

Dean’s expression was priceless. I was doubled over from laughing so hard, my arms wrapped around my stomach, and I couldn’t see myself stopping any time soon. “Guys,” I gasped out, “Guys, please! Please stop! I—I can’t breathe!”

The two of them turned to glare at me, and I fell off the edge of the bed, still laughing. I looked up through watery eyes and saw Dean crack a smile. Ella started to giggle, then it turned into full-blown snorts of laughter.

“Okay, yeah, fine, I’m a whore,” Dean relented. “But I never had a thing for mullets!”

“But, c’mon!” Ella giggled. “It’s the best of both worlds: all business in the front, party in the back! There's no way I could resist that!”

“Dr. Badass did have a way with the ladies,” I added, finally catching my breath.

“’Dr. Badass?’” Sam echoed confusedly.

“Yeah, the sign on his door, remember?” I said. “It was like, ’Dr. Badass is IN.’ And you could change it to OUT, too. It was cool. I wanted it.”

“We saw him in Heaven,” Dean said suddenly. “He saved us from Zach. He was wearing a luchador mask and a cape. It was pretty awesome.”

“And the fact that he could navigate his way around everyone else’s Heavens didn’t make the ‘Awesome’ list?” Sam said, rolling his eyes.

“I was getting to that!” Dean said defensively, and Ella and I laughed.

Sitting on the floor and staring up at the three of them, I realized just how lucky I was.

The Apocalypse was going on around us, and here we were, joking around like nothing was wrong. I could try to pretend we were normal people goofing off, but it lessened the meaning of the situation. For once, I was thinking of what could happen to us all and not feeling sad in the least, unable to in the atmosphere that was surrounding me at the moment.

'Only us,' I thought happily, trying to hide my sappy smile. 'Only us.'

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

“Dean and Ella are taking a walk,” Sam said as he entered the motel room. “She wanted to show him around before we—What’s wrong?” he asked, noticing my position.

I was sitting on the edge of our bed with my back to the door and my legs held to my chest by my arms, my chin resting on my knees, and listening to Abbeville’s local rock station on the alarm clock/radio.

I looked at him over my shoulder, forcing a smile. “Nothing,” I said unconvincingly, then turned to stare at the wall again.

“Yeah, right,” he said, and I jumped, the closeness of his voice startling me. I hadn’t realized he’d moved.

I didn’t reply. I heard the opening notes of the song “Not Strong Enough” by Apocalyptica and reached over to turn up the radio, a childishly giddy smile on my face that soon faded. “This is my current favorite song,” I told Sam, and I leaned up against him, mouthing the words. As the refrain was about to start, I said, “Listen to this part. It’s important. And it’s the best.”

"There’s nothing I can do!

My heart is chained to you,

And I can’t get free…

Look what this love’s done to me!"

“I like it,” Sam said as the song ended. “I never listen to this stuff. Dean made a rule when I got back with him: ‘Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.’ Something like that.”

I laughed. “That sounds like him.”

“Why is it important?”

“It’s not, really. It’s kinda stupid, actually. Like something Bella Swan would do.” He raised his eyebrows curiously. “Never mind,” I said, smiling, then I frowned. “Just forget it.”

“No, seriously,” he persisted. “I promise I won’t laugh.”

I scrutinized him closely, making sure he was telling the truth, then sighed. He grinned triumphantly, and a smile reluctantly spread across my face.

“When I first decided I didn’t hate you—no, when I first decided I liked you—well, more than just liked—this song made me think of you, especially the refrain. Cheesy, I know.” I looked down and let my hair hide the blush that was burning my cheeks.

“Just a little,” Sam teased. He pushed my hair back behind my ear and I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “It’s not. Really.” I noticed that he was faintly blushing, too. 'Well, that wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be.'

I turned the radio back down and leaned on him again. He put his arm around me and I closed my eyes, content to stay like this for as long as possible. “Gari, what’s wrong?” he asked again, but softly, like he was afraid of what I would say.

“Dean’s going to fall apart when you leave. You haven’t even told him yet,” I said, my voice a mere whisper. “And Ella’s going to because of him, and even more when he sends her away. And you know he will. She always gets so attached to everyone.”

“And what about you?” There was a faint trace of dread in his voice, and I couldn’t bring myself to speak for a minute.

“I’ll leave them,” I managed finally, and as I spoke the words, I was certain that they were the absolute truth. “I’ll shut down my emotions to deal with it, and Elle will freak and try to comfort me. You know how much worse that makes it; I won’t be able to take it. So I’ll leave, and try to forget, and just keep fighting, and try not to lose it.”

A silence descended upon us, only disturbed by the low-playing Korn song coming from the radio. 'Jonathan Davis’s voice does not fit the moment…'

“You’re not gonna try to bring me back?” Sam asked at last, surprise thinly veiled under his casual tone.

I opened my eyes. “Only if you want me to,” I replied, shrugging a little. “I figured you wouldn’t.”

“Oh,” he said, sounding even more surprised. “You’re right; I don’t want you to. ‘Cause then I’d have to get you outta there, and we’d just go back and forth sacrificing ourselves for each other.”

“Not a very healthy relationship.” I said dryly.

“Nope.”

“I keep telling myself, ‘We can find another way; we’ve got time.’ But we don’t, do we? There is no other way, or if there is, we don’t have the time to find it. After Pestilence, all you have to deal with is Death. Looks like the end of the road.”

“If only Dean were so accepting,” Sam said wistfully. 'He doesn’t get it—I’m not accepting, I’m just… resigned. Hopeless. Defeated.'

“They all know us so well,” he continued. “They know we’ll do anything to save each other, no matter what. I feel like they’re counting on Dean to show up, that they’ve already marked him as dead. Lucifer told me that the only reason Dean is still alive is because he knows I’ll never say yes if he kills him. But I know that as soon as I say yes, if I can’t control Lucifer, Dean will be the first to die. And I dunno what to do.” He ran a hand through his shaggy hair and sighed, staring down at the floor. “I dunno what to do…”

I sat up and stared at him for a second, then said, “You do whatever you think is right, Sam. I don’t want you to go—I don’t know what I—we’ll—do, but I know you’re going regardless. And you have every right to. It’s your choice, and if you think it is, then it’s your responsibility, too. I know I said I understand, and I do—kinda. I understand that you feel responsible for this, but I don’t understand why you seem so willing to sacrifice yourself. But I’m trying to, and that’s why I’m not gonna to try to stop you. You know what you’re capable of better than anyone else, and I trust you more than anyone, even more than Ella—she’s too easily persuaded. I’m prepared to follow you every step of the way and to kick Dean’s ass into submission, too.”

I kissed him softly, letting my lips linger on his for a moment longer than I had planned. I pulled away finally and said, “So just make sure this is what you really want, and not just something that you feel obligated to do. I wouldn’t wanna lose you for that.”

He gazed at me thoughtfully, and it was all I could do not to break down in tears and throw myself on him, never to let him go. 'Wouldn’t you know it,' I thought dryly. 'The only guy I’ve ever loved is destined to bring about the end of the world as Lucifer’s vessel, and he’s willingly giving in to gain control and lock himself and Satan away for all of eternity. Nice work, Gari.'

“I… I do want this,” Sam said, but he didn’t sound so sure. “I want him gone, and I want… You don’t get it… The guilt… Gari, I can’t… I have to fix this.”

“No, Sammy, you don’t!” I protested. This was the response I was afraid of, knowing that his guilt for letting Lucifer out was the main reason he wanted to be the one to stop it. “We can leave it up to someone else!”

“Gari, I—”

“Honestly, Sam!” I interrupted. “Why d’you and Dean feel like everything is your fault, and you’re the only ones who can do anything about it?! Leave it up to Heaven; make God come out of hiding!” I didn’t mean to say the name with so much disgust, but it was habit—even more so now that I knew He was real, but that He just didn’t care. “You two are only human! If He’s so high and mighty, why doesn’t He just get His almighty ass down here and do something about this awful, fucked up mess we’re in?!”

“I know,” Sam agreed. “But no one else knows what’s going on. We’re the only people who do.”

“Besides those paranoid, misled idiots following the Whore of Babylon,” I muttered.

“True…”

“Well, let them deal with it!” I yelled angrily, leaping up from the bed and clenching my fists. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the fury that I had been feeling finally exploded out, shaking the room and causing the pictures to fall off the wall. To my surprise, it didn’t faze Sam in the least. “They have faith! They believe we’ll win, with God’s divine help! Let them have their perfect faith and trust and go kill themselves off for God!”

I glared up at the ceiling, which was now cracked and snowing plaster down on us, and threw my arms out to my sides. “Feel free to strike me down if I piss you off!” I snarled. “Or do you not care about that, either?!”

“Gari, please,” Sam said, grabbing my hand and pulling me back down beside him.

“I don’t wanna lose you, Sam,” I said, clutching his hand for dear life.

“Yeah, I know. And I don’t want you to. But there’s no other way.”

“Sam, I—” I stopped myself from what I was about to say. Something in my head kept telling me, 'Not yet.'

“What?”

“Never mind,” I said dejectedly. “I was just going to rant some more.” He grinned and opened his mouth to say something, but I pointed at him warningly. “If you tell me I’m cute when I’m angry, so help me, I will murder you.”

“Alright, alright,” he chuckled, holding up his hands in surrender.

“Can we just… not tell Ella and Dean about any of my freaking out? I don’t wanna spoil Ella’s mood.”

“Sure. You okay now?”

I laughed mirthlessly. “What d’you think?” I said scathingly, and Sam grinned again. “Y’know what, I’m gonna be all optimistic like Ella and ‘live in the now!’” I made air-quotes around the words and pasted a huge smile on my face.

“Okay, stop,” Sam laughed. “That’s just scary.”

My face fell. “Yeah, I know,” I pretended to pout. “Pessimism is more my strong suit.”

He chuckled and said, “You wanna go find Dean and Ella? They were walking to the Square.”

“Sure,” I said, and I got to my feet. “But let’s take the Impala, please. I wanna drive it.”

“It’s your funeral,” Sam said with a laugh as he picked up the keys from the table and tossed them to me.

“Well, before Dean can kill me, he has to catch me.” I jangled the keys happily as we left the room. “And I’m the one with the vehicle,” I said deviously.

I took off running for the sleek black car and slid into the driver’s side. “Sex on wheels,” I sighed happily, caressing the steering wheel, and Sam shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. 'Live in the moment,' I thought as I cranked up the car and we sped off.

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

That night, lying next to Sam, I had the first peaceful sleep I’d had since I couldn’t remember when.