I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

I’ll admit, I was kind of avoiding Sam. I knew after the thing with Brady, he’d need all the support he could get, but I couldn’t give it to him. Not after everything that I’d overheard of his and Brady’s conversation.

'So he still loves his old girlfriend. So what? What did you expect? She was murdered. By a demon. The same demon that killed his mom. Of course he still loves her. And even if he didn’t, just because you love him doesn’t mean he loves you.'

I told myself that repeatedly for the next few days. I knew I was being selfish and insecure, but I couldn’t help it. I could never match up to Jessica, no matter how hard I tried or how much time had passed.

He knew that I was avoiding him, too. But of course, he was Sam, so he didn’t push me into talking to him or anything like that, simply giving me small glances and slight smiles whenever he caught me staring at him. God, he was just too good!

'And, anyway, you’ll never know how he feels unless you confront him about it. So if it’s such a big deal, don’t sit here moping. Do something about it!'

'…Yeah, like that will happen.'

Ella noticed my mood, of course. She didn’t know why I was acting the way I was, but she noticed. And, being Ella, she tried everything she could to fix me, including letting me drive her Impala and actually making breakfast for me (which she burned, by the way, but it’s the thought that counts, right?).

And then it happened. Ella and I were playing Go Fish in Bobby’s kitchen when Sam came in to get a beer from the fridge. I kept my eyes on my cards and pretended like I hadn’t noticed him. “Go fish,” I told Ella, my voice trembling slightly, and she sighed.

“We’re gettin’ nowhere with this,” she replied, beginning to get annoyed, and I couldn’t blame her. “No matches at all, and we’ve been playin’ for forever. Maybe we should just start over.”

“Alright, sure,” I agreed, and I started to collect the cards to shuffle them.

“Hey, Gari?” Sam said hesitantly.

'Oh, no.' “Hm?” I replied, not looking up.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“About what, Sammy?” I shuffled the cards, then sat them back down on the table.

“Just… please? Outside?”

Ella kicked me under the table and I shot her a death glare. She gave me a look that clearly said, “Get your ass outta that chair and go talk to him!”

I sighed and got to my feet. “Yeah, okay,” I told Sam, walking straight past him and out the front door. I heard him behind me and stopped when we were about in the middle of the junkyard. “Yeah?” I said as I turned around to look at him.

“Why are you avoiding me?” he asked, getting straight to the point.

“I’m not avoiding you, Sammy,” I said innocently.

“That’s bullshit, Gari, and you know it.” I stared at the ground guiltily. “It’s because of what Brady said, isn’t it?” he persisted. “About… about Jess? How I reacted to it?”

“No, it isn’t,” I protested, not very convincingly. “I mean, he was just saying that to get a rise out of you; he could’ve been lying, you know that, right?”

“Are you trying to comfort me?!” he asked incredulously, and I shrugged. “You’re the one who’s been weird all week!”

“So?”

“So, you don’t get to do that!” he argued.

“Oh, so there’s a rulebook or something?”

“Why d’you always do that?” Sam rolled his eyes and shook his head in exasperation.

“Do what?”

“Every time someone tries to worry about you, you turn into a bitch. You worry about people all the time; why not let someone return the favor every once in a while?”

“I’m sorry that I’d much rather not have the focus on me!” I snapped, finally putting some emotion into my voice. “I’m sorry I can take care of myself! I’m sorry that that’s kinda been required! And who cares what’s the matter with me, what with everything that’s been happening lately?!”

“I do!” Sam shot back. “I care! Can’t you just accept that you’re not alone? You don’t have to be the tough one all the time! Let me worry about you, for once!”

“That’s just not me, Sammy, and you know it. I’m not like you. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see.”

“Gari, c’mon. I can tell you’re breaking down, and I can tell Dean and Ella and Bobby are, too. We’re getting closer to the end. We get Death’s ring and I’m gone. D’you really wanna spend what little time we have left hiding how you feel?”

“You sound ridiculous, d’you know that?” I snapped, but my voice cracked. He had struck a nerve, and I was pretty sure he knew it. I clenched my fists in frustration, then took a deep breath. “You sound like some sappy guy in a chick flick! It’s pathetic!”

Sam stared at me, clearly hurt, but I couldn’t take it back, even though it hadn’t been true. His being so open with his emotions wasn’t pathetic at all. In fact, it was the most endearing thing about him, the thing that had drawn me to him in the first place.

He seemed to consider me for a minute, then simply said, “Whatever, Gari.” He turned his back on me and began to walk away.

'Stop him! Say anything, do anything, just stop him!'

“You still love her, don’t you?” The words tumbled out of my mouth without my permission, and they sounded just as selfish and insecure as I knew they would. But they had the desired effect, causing Sam to freeze almost instantly. 'Shit, shit, shit. Why that?! Why did I have to say that?!'

“I… I’m sorry,” I croaked, tears pooling in my eyes. 'Hiding my feelings, am I? Well, how about now?' “I didn’t mean to—”

“Yeah,” he said quietly, keeping his back to me. He sounded strangely apologetic. “Yeah, I do.”

“Oh,” I said meekly. “Well, that… that’s understandable…” And it was. It really was. 'Doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.'

“But I love you more.”

His reply didn’t register at first. I was standing there, wallowing in self-pity like the bitch that I am, and it took a minute for what he said to click.

“You… you what?” 'Oh, smooth. Real smooth.'

He turned to me slowly, and the expression on his face showed that he was just as shocked as I was. A second later, he nodded, as if agreeing with himself that it was true. “You heard me,” he said, taking a step closer.

'This… this isn’t… I’ve got to be dreaming. He… he loves me?' It was just too impossible for me to comprehend. I didn’t deserve him at all. He was much too good for me.

“But… but…” 'Okay, why am I protesting?' “But I’m bitchy and controlling and vindictive and potentially evil and part witch and part demon and…”

“So?”

“So… so…” 'So what?! He loves you! Sam loves you!'

He stared down at me expectantly, a faint look of amusement on his face, like he was enjoying watching me struggle to come up with excuses as to why he shouldn’t feel the way he did.

“Just accept it,” he said finally, grinning the slightest bit.

So I did. I stared back up at him, trying desperately to get the words out, but finding them stuck in my throat. I squeezed my eyes shut momentarily, and the tears that had been resting in them for all that time finally spilled over. I opened my eyes and smiled at the worry on his face.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, his hand reaching up hesitantly to brush a tear from my cheek.

I laughed, a little breathlessly. “Yeah… yeah, I am.” 'Biggest understatement of the millennium.'

He gave me a confused look, and I could already tell that he was trying to work out why I was crying and what he could do to make it better. And, of course, his concern only made me want to cry more.

I knew I had to speak up. If I kept quiet for much longer, he would start to think I didn’t feel the same, and he would regret telling me. I couldn’t handle that.

This time, the words flowed out easily, naturally, like I was always meant to say them. “I love you, too, Sammy.”