I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

The next day brought a huge surprise.

Sam and I were in Bobby’s junkyard, sitting on the Impala and drinking beer and altogether just enjoying each other’s company when Dean walked up to us, looking slightly guilty and very uncomfortable.

“Dean?” Sam said. “What’s going on?”

After a brief second of reluctant hesitation, Dean said, “I’m in.”

'He’s what?!' “In with…?” Sam asked, confused. 'Really, Sammy? You know what he’s talking about!'

“The whole ‘up with Satan’ thing. I’m on board.”

Sam’s eyes widened, disbelief all over his face. “You’re gonna let me say yes?”

“No,” Dean said, and Sam frowned, confused once more. “That’s the thing. It’s not on me to let you do anything. You’re a grown—well, overgrown—man. If this is what you want, I’ll back your play.”

Sam stared at his brother, unsure whether he was being serious or not. “That’s the last thing I thought you’d ever say.” 'That makes two of us…'

Dean shrugged. “Might be. I’m not gonna lie to you, though. It goes against every fiber I got. I mean, truth is… Y’know, watching out for you…” He shifted uncomfortably, not meeting Sam’s eye. I could imagine how hard this must be for him. Dean wasn’t one to talk about his feelings, and here he was, doing that and telling Sam he was in with the crazy plan. “It’s kinda been my job, y’know? But more than that, it’s… it’s kinda who I am. You’re not a kid anymore, Sam, and I can’t keep treating you like one. Maybe I gotta grow up a little, too. I don’t know if we got a snowball’s chance. But… but I do know that if anybody can do it… it’s you.”

His little monologue rendered us both speechless for a minute. I couldn’t believe that Dean had just admitted he was wrong, and apparently, Sam couldn’t either. He was finally putting faith in his brother, finally showing him that he was there, and I had never been more proud to know Dean Winchester. It was all I could do not to hug the life out of him.

“Thank you,” Sam said finally, seeming to have some trouble getting the words out.

“If this is what you want,” Dean said sternly. “Is this really what you want?”

Sam sighed and glanced at me, and I gave him a small, encouraging smile. “I let him out,” he said. “I gotta put him back in.”

Dean looked even more depressed than he had when he first came outside. “Okay,” he said quietly. “That’s it, then.” He turned and walked back up to the house.

I leapt down off the car and Sam shot me a questioning look. “I’ll be right back,” I told him, and I jogged after Dean.

“What now, Gari?” he asked as I fell into step beside him.

“Thank you,” I said simply.

“For what?”

“You know what,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“Yeah, well, it’s about time I let him grow up,” Dean said, looking away from me as we stopped in front of the steps. “This is his choice. Least I can do is support it.”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I hugged him tightly and said, “Well, aren’t you just the best big brother ever?”

He cleared his throat awkwardly and asked, “Um, Gari? What’re you doing?”

“Hugging you,” I said, feeling very emotional. “You need a hug. You both need hugs. Ella was right. Hugs make the world a better place. How about we go get her and Sam and Cas and Bobby and just all have a big group hug?”

“Okay, okay, enough,” he said, pulling himself out of my grasp. “Who are you and what have you done with bitchy Gari?”

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it.” I shrugged. “Really, though, Dean. Thank you. I’m so proud of you. This is gonna help him. A lot. Now that he knows you support him, he’s gonna have even more faith in himself. We’ve got an even bigger chance now.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” He shook his head like it was nothing, but I knew my words made him feel good, even if we were still talking about losing his brother.

“Um… one more thing, though…” I said hesitantly, remembering a vital piece of information that Sam had told me before Dean came to talk to us.

“Yeah?” he asked tensely, wary of my suddenly serious tone.

“You’re not gonna like this…”

“Just tell me.”

“Alright… Cas told him that he’s gonna have to drink a whole lot of demon blood.”

“Okay.” Dean stared at me emotionlessly, but I could see in his eyes how much that freaked him out. “Why?”

I watched him concernedly for a second before continuing. “Supposedly, Nick—the vessel he’s in now—is chugging gallons every day, and according to Cas, Nick is still wearing down pretty quickly.” Dean nodded in agreement and I went on. “For Sam to support Lucifer at all, he has to drink an assload of the stuff. Otherwise, he’ll spontaneously combust. Something like that…”

“Well, that’s… That’s not good.” He looked utterly horrified and disgusted.

“He’s saying yes to Lucifer and you’re this worried about the demon blood?!” I asked incredulously. He glared at me and I looked away. “I’m sorry. I know how touchy the blood subject is for you. It is for me, too. But really, Dean. I think that’s the least concerning thing we have to deal with.”

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

It had been ages since I’d had one of my weird dreams.

I was in Dean’s room at Bobby’s, and I was sitting on the corner of the bed. I looked down at my hands—Ella’s hands—and stared in shock at the small plastic device.

'What the—?! A pregnancy test?!' The indicator showed positive. 'Elle’s pregnant?! With Dean’s baby?! Holy fuck! There’s no way!'

“Dean…” Ella called faintly, her hands shaking almost as much as her voice. “Can ya… can ya come here, please?”

“What is it, Elle?” he asked as he walked over to her, completely oblivious to what was going on.

“I… I…”

“Ella, what—?” He stopped midsentence, finally having seen what she was holding. “W—what is that?”

“It’s a pregnancy test,” she replied, trying to keep her voice calm.

“And… and what do the two lines in the thingy mean?” he asked, his voice getting slightly higher.

Ella swallowed deeply, still staring down at her hands. “They mean… they mean it’s positive, Dean. They mean I’m pregnant.”

“What?!” Dean gasped, looking like he was about to pass out.

“Dean, honey, ya okay?” she asked worriedly. “Maybe ya should sit down. Don’t want ya fallin’ on me.”

He dropped onto the bed beside her, looking utterly bewildered. “But… but how? I used—”

“Nuh-uh, not every time,” Ella broke in. “That night after Adam, when I thought ya were gonna say yes to Michael… Soon as we got back, remember? Gari and Sam were researchin’ that spirit, the little boy one.”

“Oh, God…”

“What’re we gonna do, Dean?!” Ella asked, beginning to freak out. “I don’t wanna raise a baby in this life! And not durin’ the Apocalypse!”

“So, what, you thinking abortion or something?” Dean asked, shocked.

“No, course not!” she snapped, looking offended. “Ya really think I could do that? It’s a baby, Dean! It’s our baby!”

“Okay,” he said slowly, putting his arm around Ella and squeezing her shoulders reassuringly. “We’ll figure it out, okay?”

“’Kay…” she said, leaning into him. “Don’t tell Gari, ‘kay? I don’t want her to go crazy on me. And don’t tell Sam, either. Hell, just don’t tell anyone. We’re gonna keep this to ourselves till we figure out what to do.” Dean nodded in agreement. I was a little hurt that they weren’t going to tell me, but it backfired on them anyway, so I couldn’t complain that much. “I’m so sorry, Dean,” Ella said quietly, and I could feel the tears welling up in her eyes.

“What? Why’re you sorry?”

“For this. Ya got enough on your plate with Sam and Adam and the Apocalypse, and now ya gotta deal with me and the baby and all this, too.” Tears ran down her cheeks and she sniffled loudly.

“Hey, hey, don’t say that,” he said, pulling her even closer. “Don’t be sorry, okay? I can handle it. We can handle it. Hell, we fight monsters for a living, Elle; how hard can raising a kid be?”

Ella giggled and murmured, “Yeah, guess you’re right. We got this.” She sat up and smiled at him. “Now I gotta start thinkin’ of baby names! Y’know, they gotta be somethin’ significant, have some kinda meanin’, other than just bein’ pretty. This is gonna take a lotta thought, y’know.”

Dean smiled at her affectionately, making me feel even more intrusive than I had before, and I wished desperately that I could stop eavesdropping on their private conversations. 'Well, if I had any power over it, I wouldn’t be seeing it in the first place. This is ridiculous. They’re having a baby! Should I tell Sam? Or Bobby? Or Cas? Or maybe I should just not say anything. Yeah, that’ll probably be best.'

“You’re gonna make a great daddy,” Ella said happily.

Dean shook his head and sighed. “Well, we’ll have to see about that.” I could tell what was going on in his mind right then. I knew that neither he nor Sam wanted kids. Neither of them wanted to raise them up in a world full of monsters, and both of them were scared they’d turn into John.

“Hey, you’re not John, okay?” Ella said, having realized the same thing. “You’re better than him. You’re gonna raise this kid right.” Dean didn’t reply. “Hey, look at me,” she ordered, taking his face in her hands and staring into his eyes. “You and Sam turned out fine regardless, didn’t ya? This baby—it’s lucky to have a daddy like you. Y’know, I didn’t wanna raise a kid in this either, but if I gotta, I’m glad it’s with you.” She kissed him softly, then said, “I love ya, Dean.”

He stared back at her, shocked and touched by her words. Then, with his trademark smirk, he said, “Love you, too.”

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

I shot bolt upright, my thoughts going a million miles an hour.

'Ella is pregnant! She’s gonna have a baby! This changes everything! She can’t go with us for the boss fight; she can’t get anywhere near Lucifer! The baby could die! And even though she said she didn’t want it, she wants it now, and it would crush her if she had a miscarriage. But they aren’t gonna tell us, so what do I do?! Should I tell the others?! Or at least Sam?! He’ll know what to do, won’t he?! At least, I hope so. And even if he doesn’t, he needs to know this, and talking to him might calm me down.'

Having made up my mind, I slowly got out of bed and snuck across the hall to Sam’s room.
Technically, Ella and I were supposed to stay separate from the boys, but I couldn’t blame Ella for sneaking into Dean’s room to tell him that. She’d probably end up staying there, too, but that didn’t matter. If I could go back to sleep, I’d stay with Sam as well.

I opened the door slowly and shut it back, hoping that the loud clicking noise only happened on our door. It didn’t. I winced, hoping no one heard it, then watched as Sam moved a little in response to the noise. I knew not to get close to him to wake him up, seeing as he kept a knife under his pillow and would probably wake up swinging.

“Sam!” I whisper-yelled, but he slept on. “Sammy!” Still nothing. I crept closer and repeated his name.

This time, it did the trick. Sure enough, he sat up quickly, knife in hand. “What… Gari?” he said groggily when he realized it was me. “What’s going on?”

“Put the knife down and we’ll talk,” I said wryly.

“Sorry.” He did as I said, then I walked over and sat down beside him on the bed.

“Okay, what I’m about to tell you is top secret information,” I began, and he raised his eyebrows expectantly. “No one is supposed to know this, but, due to my awesomeness, I do.”

“Gari, seriously? Just tell me.”

“Ella’s pregnant!” I said, a little more loudly than I planned, and I clapped my hands over my mouth and glanced at the door, waiting for Bobby or Dean to come busting in at any minute.

“She’s what?!” Sam gasped, no longer looking tired at all.

“Yeah, she is!” I confirmed with a nod. “Her and Dean are gonna have a baby!”

“How d’you know?!”

“Oh, I have these totally random dreams where I can see through Ella’s eyes. I’ve had them since I was locked in the panic room. No big deal,” I told him, waving my hand dismissively.

“Oh, of… of course,” he said, looking slightly overwhelmed.

“Is this really the weirdest thing about me?” I asked skeptically.

“No, guess you’re right. So, when were they planning on telling us?”

“They weren’t. They were gonna keep it a secret from us. Something about keeping it to themselves until they know what to do. So what do we do? Do we confront them about it or…?”

“No,” Sam said, shaking his head. “We’re just gonna act like we don’t know. If they wanna tell us, they’ll tell us.”

“Alright, sounds good,” I agreed. “Hey, um… can I stay in here?” I asked hesitantly.

“Not scared Bobby’s gonna find you?” he teased.

“Ha! I can handle Bobby! Have you forgotten how amazing I am?”

“No, I haven’t,” he said, and I smiled. “Okay, come here.”

I crawled under the covers and snuggled up to him, breathing in the smell of books and Hollister and the faintest trace of alcohol. “Goodnight, Sammy,” I murmured happily.

“Night, Gari.”

I fell asleep within the next five minutes, and I had no more dreams.