I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

“It’s starting,” Castiel stated, staring at the window display of TVs showing the urgent news reports of natural disasters breaking out everywhere.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” I snapped.

“Yeah, ya think, genius?” Dean added testily.

“You don’t have to be mean,” Cas said glumly.

“So what d’we do now?” Ella asked, her voice quiet and hopeless.

“I suggest we imbibe copious amounts of alcohol and just wait for the inevitable blast wave,” the ex-angel answered in all seriousness.

“Yes, thank you, Bukowski,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “How do we stop it?”

“We don’t,” Castiel said matter-of-factly. “Lucifer will meet Michael on the chosen field and the battle of Armageddon begins.”

“And, well, where’s this ‘chosen field?’” Dean asked, sounding annoyed.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, there’s gotta be something that we can do!” I flinched at the amount of desperation in Dean’s voice.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas sighed, staring down at the ground. “This is over.”

“You listen to me, you junkless sissy!” Dean growled threateningly, clenching his fists as though he wanted nothing more than to strangle the former angel. “We are not giving up! Bobby?” He looked to the older hunter for support. “Bobby?” he repeated when he didn’t get a reply.

“There was… never much hope to begin with,” Bobby said sadly after a while. “I dunno what else to do.”

Silence fell over us as his words sank in, each of us dwelling on our own abysmal thoughts. 'Is there really no hope left?'

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

After that encouraging discussion, we went back to our separate vehicles—this time Cas was going with Bobby. We hadn’t left yet, for Dean had decided to make an urgent phone call. He was now talking to the prophet, Chuck Shirley.

They were talking about what happened with Sam, and Dean was losing his temper, his voice rising to an almost-yell. He calmed down after a minute, then started asking questions. I hadn’t really been paying attention, but once I heard him mention the ‘title fight,’ I listened attentively.

“Stull Cemetery…” Dean said pensively. “Wait… I know that—that’s an old bone yard outside of Lawrence! Why Lawrence?” I heard mumbling on the other end and Dean nodded. “Alright, Chuck. You know of any way to short-circuit this thing?” Another string of mumbling and an exasperated eye roll from Dean. “Well, d’you know what’s gonna happen next?” Dean sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a second. “Alright, thanks, Chuck.” He shut his phone and tossed it to the side.

“Hey!” Ella exclaimed as it hit her.

“Sorry, Elle,” he said quietly. “Used to someone else sitting there.”

Ella’s expression softened and she looked away. “It’s okay.” I could tell by her voice that she was tearing up. He reached over and squeezed her hand reassuringly, and she turned back to him and gave him a watery smile.

Dean got out of the car and I followed suit, wondering what was up. Ella sat patiently in the passenger seat, giving me a questioning look but not moving.

Bobby and Cas walked up to us, Bobby staring at Dean with a suspicious look on his face. “Ya goin’ someplace?” he asked. “You’re goin’ to do somethin’ stupid. Ya got that look.”

“I’m gonna go talk to Sam,” Dean said, looking the older hunter right in the eye. I nodded once, my thoughts confirmed. I knew he wasn’t going to give up on his brother that easily.

“You just don’t give up.”

“It’s Sam!”

“If ya couldn’t reach him here,” Bobby said, shaking his head, “you’re certainly not gonna be able to on the battlefield.”

“It’s worth a shot!” I spoke up finally, ready to back Dean on anything, especially if it would get me closer to Sam.

“Well, if we’ve already lost, I guess I got nothing to lose, right?” Dean glared at Bobby, daring him to argue, and Bobby looked away.

Castiel walked closer to Dean, getting in his face like he always did, and said slowly, “I just want you to understand—the only thing that you’re going to see out there is Michael killing your brother.”

Dean looked at the angel with broken, defeated eyes, the eyes of a man who wanted nothing more than to die. “Well,” he said, his voice cracking, “then I ain’t gonna let him die alone.”

I closed my eyes, wishing I hadn’t heard that. Knowing how little hope he had left certainly didn’t make me feel any better about the mission to talk to Sam. “C’mon, let’s get going, Dean,” I said, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over us.

“No,” he said quietly.

“’No?’” I echoed. “What? You… you’re gonna listen to them? You’re not going?”

“No, I’m going,” he assured me. “But you and Ella—you aren’t. I’m not lettin’ you two die. I’m not risking it.”

“You can’t do this!” I argued. “You can’t leave me behind! You know how much I need to see him, Dean! You know how much I love him! You can’t go without me!”

He ignored me, knocking on the window to alert Ella, and she got out of the car. “What’s goin’ on?” she asked.

“You and Gari stay with Bobby and Cas, okay?” he said.

“What’re ya gonna do?”

“He’s going to find Sam,” I told her, “and he thinks he’s going alone.”

“Gari…” Ella began. “It’s his brother. It’s his decision.”

I stared at her disbelievingly. 'How can she say that?! How can she just let him go?!' “You think this will stop me from following you?” I snapped, turning to Dean. “Stull Cemetery. Lawrence, Kansas. I can get there, too.”

“Stay here,” he said to Ella, ignoring me again. She gave a reluctant nod and stepped away from the car. With a stern look in my direction, he drove away, leaving us behind.

“You girls comin’?” Bobby asked, walking back to his van, and Cas followed slowly.

“You know I’m not, Bobby,” I said, and he grinned.

“Yeah, I do. Guess I’ll see ya on the battlefield, kid.”

I grinned back, glad to know that he wasn’t going to let Dean go out there alone, either. “See you there.”

I spotted a fairly new black Camry—those things were everywhere—and headed over to it.

“What’re ya doin’?” Ella asked confusedly.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” I replied as I pulled on the door handle and found it unlocked. 'Idiots,' I thought, shaking my head. 'People should really lock their cars.' “I’m stealing a car. I’m gonna find Sam.” I turned to Ella expectantly. “You coming? I could really use your help hotwiring it. You know you’re better at this than I am.”

She tapped her foot nervously, then said, “’Course I am! Dean’s out there!”

“Then get your little ass over here and help me.” She nodded, determination filling her big blue eyes. “We’ve got a party to crash.”

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

At first I could remember that I was napping in the backseat of a stolen Camry. A second later, however, I didn’t even realize that I was dreaming.

A tall, shirtless man was leaning against the wall, giving me a sexy half-grin that made my heart stop.

“Sam!” I exclaimed, jumping off of the bed I was on and running to him. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my face into his warm, muscular chest. 'Oh my God, he’s okay!'

“Guess again,” he said slyly, and I leaped back in alarm.

“Lucifer,” I hissed in disgust and fury. “What do you want?”

“To understand what Sam sees in you,” Lucifer replied, giving me a sly grin that made my skin crawl. 'That expression should never be on Sam’s face.'

“And what’s the point of that?” I snapped, crossing my arms.

“He finds it infuriating when you cross your arms like that,” he commented, ignoring my question. “It means you’re going to put up one hell of a fight.” I dropped my arms to my sides angrily, fists clenched. “You don’t have to pretend you’re not attracted to me—I can see it in your eyes. Your attraction to Sam overwhelms everything else, doesn’t it?” I stared at the ground, biting my lip so hard I drew blood. I refused to give him the satisfaction of watching me squirm. “You don’t have to be ashamed of it,” Lucifer said, a touch of amusement in his voice. He stepped closer to me and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “He’s always loved your hair.”

A shiver went up my spine at his touch, and I cursed myself internally. 'He’s not Sam! Snap out of it!' But no matter what I was thinking, I was torn. My body was reacting to Lucifer as if he were Sam, but my mind knew clearly that what I was feeling was wrong, that it was all a lie.

“Get—get away from me,” I warned shakily, taking a step back.

He stepped forward again. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” he teased. He lifted my chin with his forefinger, staring down at me with a curious expression. “Humans really are such interesting creatures,” he said softly, his lips inches from mine. “Annoying, pathetic, hairless apes that all deserve to die—but interesting.” My breath hitched in my throat at the close proximity, even though I was screaming at myself that he was not Sam.

Lucifer’s lips brushed mine slightly and I subconsciously lifted up on my tiptoes to deepen the kiss. One of his hands tangled in my hair while the other went to my back, pressing me closer. His mouth trailed to my neck and I softly moaned Sam’s name.

The spell was broken instantly. I shoved him away, a deeply nauseous feeling in my stomach. “What the fuck—?!”

“That was all you,” he interrupted smugly. “I set the trap, but you took the bait. You humans and your emotions. It’s almost comical how much you feel.”

“What I feel for Sam is the only thing stopping me from tearing you limb from limb right now!” I yelled, my body shaking as my emotions warred against each other.

“Lying to the Devil,” Lucifer said, shaking his head in disappointment. “How… efficient.”

“What are you talking about?” I prompted harshly.

“The truth, Garideth. The truth is you’re excited by me. I’m dangerous, and you love it. The demon part of you, the part that maggot Crowley created, it’s thirsting for this like nothing else. And with your previous attraction to Sam, you won’t hold out on me for long.” He smirked triumphantly, like he had already won.

“Wanna bet?” I snarled.

“Oh, I’m afraid I’d win that one.” Lucifer grabbed me suddenly, pulling me close to him again. I felt like something was draining away inside of me and I struggled to break free to no avail.
“What are you doing?!” I yelped frantically.

“Doing away with your unnecessary emotions,” he replied calmly.

“What—how?”

“I’m an archangel, Garideth. I can do whatever I want.” He smirked again. “There goes grief,” he said, “and nostalgia. Righteousness and self-respect.” The more emotions that Lucifer drained away, the more I found myself fixated on his chest, his jaw, his eyes, his lips.

“No! Stop!” I cried as I realized why he was doing it. I felt almost completely drained, but I was getting angrier by the second and still focusing completely on Sam’s—now Lucifer's—perfect lips. “You son of a bitch!” I shrieked, beating my free hand on his chest and struggling more than ever to get away. “What the fuck did you do to me?!”

“I told you,” Lucifer said slowly, as if talking to a child. “I did away with your unnecessary emotions.”

“Why did you leave anger?!”

“I find that, when it comes to lust, anger is a better fuel than joy.”

'Lust. That explains it.' That explained why I couldn’t stop staring at him, why my pulse was pounding just by watching him stand there, why I felt like going feral and jumping on him at any minute.

“You can give in to it,” Lucifer said softly, his voice—Sam’s voice—pure music to my ears. “Sam will enjoy it, I promise. And you have no emotions that will get in your way.”

Anger boiled up inside of me at his words—'How dare he even utter Sam’s name?!'—but before I could deny anything, Lucifer crushed his lips to mine.

My body reacted instantly, just as it had before, my hands locking around his neck and pulling him impossibly closer, and I let out a breathy sigh as his tongue entered my mouth.

He pulled away for a second. “It’s okay,” he whispered, his slightly chapped lips tickling my ear. “He’s enjoying this, too.” By that point, I didn’t know who “he” was, and I honestly didn’t care.

We fell back onto the bed, Lucifer catching himself and leaning over me. I then realized that I was naked and briefly wondered how, but then he started trailing kisses down my stomach and I lost my train of thought. I ran my fingers through his shaggy hair, unable to get enough of him.

Lucifer’s mouth connected with mine again—but only for a moment—then he let his lips trace the veins in my neck. Once again, a soft moan of “Sam” escaped me, but by then, I was too far gone.

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

As we lay on the bed, Lucifer's arm around my waist and my back to his chest, the realization of what a horrible, traitorous thing I had done still hadn’t hit me. Though my anger had faded, it was taking Lucifer’s restraining grasp to stop me from acting on my continuous lust.

“Hmmm,” Lucifer started, and I could feel the sound reverberating in his massive chest. “I think I understand now,” he mused.

“What d’you understand?” I asked, flipping over to face him and kissing his jaw.

“What Sam sees in you.”

With that final, confusing statement, I woke up abruptly, gasping and shaking uncontrollably as my emotions came rushing back, and it took me a minute to remember where I was. 'You’re in a car—a Camry. You’re with Ella. Lucifer’s gone. He was never here in the first place. It was a dream. It was just a dream.'

But I knew it wasn’t. I knew that Satan liked to invade people’s dreams, that he had often done so to Sam. Just because it was a dream didn’t mean it wasn’t real. It was very real. And that made it so much worse.

Ella looked at me with concern and asked, “Ya okay, Gari?”

“Yeah…” I said quietly. “Just a nightmare… You want me to drive now?”

“No, it’s okay. Y’know I like drivin’. We’ll be there in an hour or so.”

I curled up in my seat, trying to contain the despair and disgust that was threatening to overwhelm me. 'What have I done?' I thought desperately, breaking into silent, wracking sobs and pressing my forehead against the cool window. 'Oh, Sam… I’m so sorry…'

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

We got to Stull Cemetery just in time to see Dean drive up to Michael and Lucifer in the Impala, blaring “Rock of Ages” as loud as it would go. After ditching the Camry at the entrance, we snuck up behind gravestones, trying to get closer to the boys, and as we did, I heard Dean say, “Howdy, boys! Sorry, am I interrupting something?” I grinned at the pure Dean-ness of it. Ella and I finally made it to a gravestone right behind the Impala, and we heard Dean say to Lucifer, “Hey, we need to talk.”

Lucifer walked toward him, giving a small, mirthless laugh and shaking his head. “Dean, even for you, this is a whole new mountain of stupid.”

“I’m not talkin’ to you,” Dean said casually. “I’m talkin’ to Sam.”

“You’re no longer the vessel, Dean,” Michael said, and I frowned when I saw that he was, in fact, Adam. The kid may have been a total ass, but he didn’t deserve to be ridden by a self-righteous angel. “You got no right to be here.”

Dean unflinchingly looked Michael in the eye and said, “Adam, if you’re in there right now, I am so sorry.”

“Adam isn’t home right now,” Michael replied, and his tone surprised me. 'I thought only demons were douchey.'

“Well, then, you’re next on my list, buttercup.” I had to admire Dean’s ability to keep his cool during that confrontation. I was only secretly watching and I was already scared shitless. “But right now, I need five minutes with him,” Dean added, jerking his head toward Lucifer.

“You little maggot!” Michael growled. “You are no longer a part of this story!”

“Hey, ass-butt!” a familiar, raspy voice called suddenly, and I turned my head just in time to see Castiel throw a Molotov cocktail at Michael. The archangel burst into flames and, with an angry, pained cry, disappeared. 'Way to go, Cas!' I cheered silently.

“Ass-butt?!” Dean asked disbelievingly, and Cas shrugged. Ella and I darted forward to where we were now hiding behind the Impala and peeked through the window.

“He’ll be back,” the ex-angel said, sounding pretty proud of himself, “and upset. But you got your five minutes.”

“Castiel…” Lucifer began, a sinister tone to his voice, as he advanced on Cas. “Did you just Molotov… my brother… with holy fire?”

Cas backed away slowly, hands held up in surrender and terror etched on every line of his face. “Um… no…”

“No one dicks with Michael but me!” Lucifer snarled, snapping his fingers. Castiel exploded instantly, and I clapped my hand over Ella’s mouth to stop her from screaming. 'No, no, no!'

Dean’s eyes widened slightly, but that was the only evidence of his panic. “Sammy?” he said hesitantly, and Lucifer whipped around to glare at him. “Can ya hear me?”

“Y’know, I’ve tried to be nice, for Sammy’s sake,” Lucifer said, taking a step forward. 'You’re not allowed to call him that!' I thought irrationally. I didn’t know why it mattered to me so much, but it did. Lucifer had no right to call him “Sammy.” Only Dean and I could do that.

He clenched his hands into fists around Dean’s jacket, making it impossible for the hunter to escape. “But you are such a pain in my ass.” He threw Dean backwards, and Dean’s head hit the Impala’s windshield, causing cracks to ripple out through the glass.

A bullet suddenly fired into Lucifer’s back, and we all turned to see Bobby holding up a smoking gun and breathing heavily. He fired another round, but it didn’t work, and he shrugged.

With a sick, demented grin, Lucifer made a twisting motion with one hand and Bobby’s neck snapped loudly. I pressed my free hand over my mouth to stop from crying out and felt hot tears pour over the hand silencing Ella. 'No, he’s not dead! He can’t be dead! Bobby!' “No!” Dean cried in anguish.

“Yes!” Lucifer hissed, grabbing Dean’s leg and pulling him forward, then drawing his hand back and punching him in the face so hard that he spun around and fell onto the hood of the Impala.

“Sammy?” Dean tried again, blood dripping from his mouth. “Are you in there?”

Lucifer decked him again, saying, “Oh, he’s in here, alright. And he’s gonna feel the snap of your bones. Every. Single. One. And we’re gonna take our time!”

Lucifer hit him again and again, and though I couldn’t see his face, I could imagine how awful it must look, judging by the amount of blood on Lucifer’s fist. It was taking all of my willpower not to try to help him, but Lucifer would just kill us, too. And I couldn’t let Ella die.

“Sam,” Dean rasped. “Sammy. It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you. I’m not gonna leave you!” Ella was sobbing, the sound muffled by my palm, and I was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to suppress tears.

Lucifer drew back his fist to deal the final blow, and I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled Ella into my arms. She shouldn’t watch this, and I couldn’t bear to. Tears leaked out from under my eyelids and fell into her hair.

After a minute, I opened my eyes to see Lucifer just standing there, frozen, his fist still drawn back. At first, I thought he was staring at me. Then I realized that he was staring fixedly at a spot on the Impala.

Suddenly, his fist uncurled and dropped to his side. He released Dean and I winced as the hunter fell to the ground. “It’s okay, Dean,” he said, and I realized with a shock that this was Sam, not Lucifer. He had gained control. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got him.”

Sam pulled the still-connected Horsemen rings out of his pocket and turned away from his brother, then walked over to the empty space in the middle of the cemetery and threw the rings on the ground. He muttered an incantation, taking a step back as a gaping hole opened around the rings. He glanced at Dean, sharing one last, long, telepathic look that seemed to hold an infinite amount of words and emotions. With a slight nod at his brother, Sam stepped closer to the edge.

I couldn’t do it—I couldn’t let him go without saying goodbye.

“Whatever happens,” I said, my voice almost inaudible as I whispered into Ella’s ear, “do not leave this spot.” Then, before she had a chance to question me, I leapt to my feet and ran out from behind the Impala. “Sam!” I cried, stopping a few feet behind him.

Right as he was about to take the last step, he froze, then turned around and saw me. “Gari?!” he said incredulously. He took a step toward me. “What are you—?!”

I threw myself at him, the salty taste of my tears mingling with my interruptive kiss. He kissed me back passionately, his arms going around my waist and lifting me off the ground, and I almost forgot why I was doing this. “I couldn’t let you go,” I said quietly as I pulled away, and I buried my head in his chest, fighting the urge to break down. “Not without saying goodbye.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” Sam said warmly.

“Sam, I—I have to tell you something. It—it’s important. And… it’s bad.”

“What is it?”

“I—I slept with Lucifer,” I rushed out. I had to explain, had to apologize. He had to know that I had no control. “I didn’t mean to; he—he came to me in a dream and I thought he was you but he wasn’t you and then he took away all of my emotions except anger and lust and I gave in and Sam, I’m so sorry—I never meant to do anything like that, I—“

“Hey, it’s okay, I know,” he assured me.

“You—what?” I asked disbelievingly.

“You wouldn’t believe how full of himself Lucifer is. He was bragging about it from the moment it happened.” I could tell by his voice that he was smiling. “It’s not your fault. He tricked you.” I couldn’t reply, shocked as always by his willingness to forgive. “You gotta let me go now, okay? He’s fighting for control, and I dunno how long I can keep this up. I gotta go.”

I squeezed him tightly, unwilling to obey. “I love you, Sammy,” I said hoarsely.

As I pulled back, he grinned—a true, beautiful Sam Winchester grin—and said, “I know.”

I let out a strangled laugh at that, closing my eyes and leaning into him again. I fisted my hands around his shirt and kissed him briefly but fiercely, then took a step back. “Bye, Sam,” I whispered, smiling sadly.

Suddenly, a wracking cough shook my body and blood poured out of my mouth. Pain ripped through me, unlike any I’d ever felt, and I fell to the ground, convulsing as I coughed up more blood. “Gari!” Sam yelped in alarm, reaching for me.

“Stay out of this, filth!” Michael hissed at me, and Sam spun around, an expression of terrifying rage on his face. “Sam!” Michael said loudly. “It’s not gonna end this way! Step back!”

“You’re gonna have to make me!” Sam snarled, shooting me one last glance.

“I have to fight my brother, Sam!” Michael yelled. “Here and now! It’s my destiny!”

Sam ignored him, closing his eyes and taking a step back toward the hole. He started to fall, but the archangel grabbed his arm. With a determined look of finality on his face, Sam grabbed Michael and pulled him into the Cage.

The hole sealed up instantly, the Horsemen rings reappearing in the center. I immediately stopped coughing and dragged myself over to them, emitting deep, gasping sobs that caused me to inhale dirt with every breath. I grasped the rings tightly as Dean came and fell to his knees beside me.

“He’s gone,” I choked, pressing my face into the ground. Despair crushed me from the inside, making it even harder to breathe through my sobs. “He’s gone.”