I'm Not Strong Enough to Stay Away

A couple of weeks later, our fight had been completely forgotten. By Ella, at least. Like I said, she forgave people easily, and I didn’t.

We were currently in a small town in Alabama, population like 500. Three people had been attacked, two of them killed, and the survivor swore that it was a swamp monster. (What the hell, right? But I guess that’s Alabama for you.) I figured that it was just a vengeful spirit. As far as I knew, swamp monsters didn’t exist.

Ella and I decided we would go check it out that night. The cops actually had the swamp roped off, like that would keep people out. Still, they were also watching the borders, so it would require a bit of sneaking around, which was fine by us.

We checked into our motel room before going to the swamp, just in case we came back bloody. We also used that as a chance to gear up, you know, the usual: shotguns filled with salt rounds, iron, knives, etcetera, etcetera.

“I need a vacation,” Ella said as she loaded her gun. I looked at her and raised my eyebrows skeptically. 'Yeah, right. She loves the job,' I thought. “I mean, I know I love the job and all,” she continued, “but c’mon! We travel the country on a daily basis, but we never actually had a real vacation! And seein’ the Largest Ball of Twine three times with Greg didn’t count!” she added as I opened my mouth, and I grinned.

“We’re hunters, Elle,” I said. “Monsters don’t take a vacation, so neither do we.” 'Unfortunately.'

“I know, but wouldn’t it be nice to just take some time off for ourselves?”

“I know what you mean,” I admitted. “It would be nice. But it’s our job…”

“…to steal and rob… graves?” Ella suggested, and we busted out laughing.

“Only sometimes,” I joked. “Well, c’mon. We’ve got a terrible beastie to kill.”

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

“My God, I hate this,” I grumbled, pulling my boot out of the muck for the millionth time.

“Ditto,” Ella agreed, sweeping her flashlight around. “Hey, what’s that over there?”

I followed her line of light and squatted down. A large chunk of flesh lay on the ground in front of me, and I had to hold my breath against the stench. “Ugh,” I groaned. “Looks like they missed a spot.”

Ella came over to me and stared down at the flesh, trying not to gag. “Ya’d think I’d be used to this by now,” she whined, daintily holding her nose and turning away.

“Yes, you would,” I said, laughing a little. Suddenly, I heard a splash from behind us. “Shhh!” I told Ella urgently, standing up. “Put that light out!” I whispered, and she obeyed without question. “Did you hear that?”

“Who’s over there?” a voice called. “We saw your light; we know you’re there! You shouldn’t be here, it’s dangerous. Let us take you home.” The voice and the kindness behind it struck me as oddly familiar.

Footsteps came toward us and a large beam of light illuminated us. “Son of a bitch!” a different, unmistakable voice cursed, and I groaned.

“For once, we agree,” I said dryly, crossing my arms and staring into the face of Dean Winchester.

“Hey, y’all!” Ella piped up, obviously trying to make up for our last meeting. Dean grinned and winked in her direction and she actually giggled. I shot her a disbelieving look and she shrugged apologetically.

“Well, you just can’t stay away, can you?” Dean asked me, smirking.

“What can I say, I have a knack for finding assholes,” I retorted, smiling sweetly. “One of my many talents. I’m also fluent in sarcasm and Elvish.”

“Can we just… put aside our differences or something?” Sam implored. “At least until we get outta this damn swamp?” He glanced down at his muck-covered boots, then back up at me. I was totally unprepared for his puppy-dog eyes, which somehow dissipated my antagonistic attitude at once.

'Damn, how can an expression that adorable come from a fucking Winchester?' I thought, annoyed at how easily his eyes had disarmed me. “Fine,” I huffed at last. “But after we get outta here, beware.”

Sam chuckled at that, a completely unique sound, and I was surprised at how much I liked it.

“Oh, I’m so scared,” Dean muttered, rolling his eyes.

“You should be,” I said threateningly, glaring at him.

Just then, an inhuman shriek echoed through the darkness. The four of us froze instantly, Ella turning her flashlight back on and whispering, “That didn’t sound like a spirit…”

“No, it most certainly did not,” I agreed slowly, hating the way that my voice shook, even if it was only a little. Facing a spirit: no big deal. Facing an unknown, apparently quite dangerous and large mystery creature that you have no idea how to kill: actually quite daunting.

“Something’s moving over there,” Sam said quietly, shining his light toward a dark, hulking figure.

“What the hell is that?!” Dean exclaimed as the creature came into view. It was taller than Sam (in other words, colossal), covered in muck and weeds, and it was loping toward us with a slow but steady limping gait. “It looks like a—“

“Swamp monster!” Ella and I said simultaneously.

“Anyone got any suggestions on how to kill it?” Ella asked, her country accent flaring up even more in her paranoia, and the boys shook their heads, still staring at the creature in disbelief. “Anyone?” she tried again. “Well, then. I suggest we get the hell outta here!”

At that, we took off running, going as fast as we could through the muddy terrain. And then, of course, I fell, face down into the filthy, watery ground. 'Only clumsy at the worst moments, aren’t you?' I sat up, spitting the gunk from my mouth, then froze as I heard a menacing growl behind me. I turned slowly and gazed up (and up and up and…) into the face of the monster.

As it stretched its gigantic, gnarled arms down to me, a gun fired and it stumbled backward. Strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me to my feet. “Run!” Sam yelled, his hand grasping tightly around my wrist, dragging me along behind him. We kept running until we made it out of the swamp, coming to a halt beside their Impala. “You okay?” he asked me, breathing hard.

“Yeah, thanks,” I panted, smiling, but figuring it probably came out more like a grimace. Just then, I noticed that his hand was still around my wrist, and I pried it off uncomfortably.

His hand fell to his side awkwardly. “Sorry,” he said with a trace of bitterness in his deep voice.

I scrunched my face up and closed my eyes, sighing. 'I can’t believe I’m about to say this.' “No, I’m sorry,” I said finally. “That was rude of me.”

“Just a little,” Sam replied, the corners of his mouth twitching upward a bit.

“There ya are!” Ella said, sounding relieved as she walked up to us, Dean right behind her and covered in swampy goo.

“And I thought I looked bad,” I commented with a wry smile.

“Shut up,” he snapped, making me smile more. “C’mon, Sammy,” he said, turning to his brother.
'Sammy? Really?' “Let’s go back to the motel and call Bobby. Maybe he knows how to kill this damn thing.” Sam chuckled and followed his brother, getting in their car.

“Bye!” Ella shouted enthusiastically and I gave a little half-wave as they drove away, to which I could’ve sworn I saw Sam smirk triumphantly. I rolled my eyes, but there was still the trace of a grin on my face.

~Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural~

“You’re fucking kidding me!” I exclaimed angrily as we pulled into our motel’s parking lot, taking a space right beside a jet-black Impala. I kicked the dashboard of our car furiously.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Ella said indignantly. “Watch what you’re doin’! She’s precious.” Her voice got all soft at the end and she kissed two of her fingers, then placed them tenderly on the dash where I’d kicked it. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay,” she cooed at the car, and I rolled my eyes. “What’s the big deal?” she asked me. “So they’re at the same motel; so what?”

I grumbled to myself, getting out of the car and slamming the door a bit harder that necessary. I entered our room and flipped on the light, then let out a startled yelp as I saw the Winchesters sitting in the two chairs at the table. 'I should’ve expected that,' I thought, annoyed. “Y’know, you could’ve waited until we got here,” I said calmly, trying to make my heart start beating normally again. “Not that I would’ve let you in.”

“Exactly why we broke in,” Dean replied, grinning in the sort of self-satisfied way of his that made me want to punch him. But Sam’s calm, almost friendly expression infuriated me even more, for some reason.

“What, d’you think we’re ‘cool’ now, just ‘cause you saved me?” I snapped at him, and his brow crinkled in confusion. He actually looked kind of… hurt. I felt bad immediately, without knowing why, and wished I could take it back.

“Dude, what’s up with you being such a bitch all the time?” Dean asked harshly, getting to his feet.

Ella walked in right at that moment. “Hi, y’all. What’s--?” She stopped talking as she noticed my and Dean’s furious expressions. “Oh, no. What now?” she asked exasperatedly. “Y’know, never mind. I don’t wanna know. I‘ll be in the shower, cleanin’ this icky stuff off me.” She strutted past us into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. Within seconds, I could hear water running.

“What’s up with you being such an arrogant, self-centered dick all the time?” I retorted, resuming our conversation as if Ella had never interrupted. I saw Sam fidget uncomfortably out of the corner of my eye, but I continued. “Oh, I forgot,” I said scathingly, answering my own question, “that’s just being a Winchester, isn’t it? Just like your father!”

“Okay, either you stop talking about our dad right now,” Dean threatened, “or I make you stop!” I raised my eyebrows skeptically. As if he could. I was about to say just that when he continued. “Did your daddy not love you enough or somethin’?” he mocked in a babyish voice, and my body went numb with rage. “Man, I thought we had daddy issues, but then I met you.”

That did it. I snapped.

Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled my arm back and punched him as hard as I could, hearing a satisfying crack as his nose shattered beneath my fist. “Daddy issues,” I hissed. “Don’t you dare talk to me about daddy issues!” I turned on my heel and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

The wind hit me repeatedly as I walked, trying to knock me over, and I grinned in a twisted way. I couldn’t care less about controlling my powers at that moment, not when it was all I could do to control myself from going back in there and stabbing Dean in the throat.

I was walking without knowing where I was going, still fuming, yet grinning every time I heard thunder clap or saw lightning flash. I was so enraged that I couldn’t even form a coherent thought.

I stopped at the edge of the parking lot and sat down on the curb, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs, as if I could hold myself together that way. Tucking my head down, I tried desperately to rid my mind of all emotion.

A hand touched my shoulder gently and hesitantly. “Go away, Ella,” I snapped without looking up, then I bit my lip. I hated being mean to her—she was just so easily hurt—but I didn’t want to be comforted, and I knew she wouldn’t understand that. And besides, she’d forgive me later.

“It’s me,” Sam said quietly, and I glanced up in surprise. He was now sitting on the curb beside me, staring at me with worry in those deep, beautiful eyes. I hadn’t even heard him walk up. 'Shows how out of it I am,' I thought darkly. “You okay?” he asked.

“Second time you’ve asked me that tonight,” I said. “Answer’s different this time, though. Why are you here?”

“I can leave…” he said, sounding slightly offended and beginning to stand up.

“No!” I yelped, then started kicking myself for seeming so desperate. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted to know.”

“I was just checking on you,” he replied, sitting back down. “Make sure you didn’t do something stupid, like go after a mysterious swamp monster without a clue how to kill it.” He gave me a small, lopsided gin and I let out a strained laugh.

“It crossed my mind,” I admitted sheepishly.

“So… you wanna talk about what happened back there?” Sam asked seriously. “Nice punch, by the way.”

Ignoring his question, I half-grinned and said, “Thanks.”

He raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Look, I get that it’s a touchy subject with you, and you barely know me,” he said slowly. “Just know that you don’t have to face everything alone. I mean, I’m sure Ella knows, but you can talk to me, too.” He brought out his puppy-dog eyes again and I could literally feel my heart melt.

Before I could stop myself (you have to realize I don’t do this often), I flung myself at him, my body wracked with angry and despairing sobs. I never cried, except at stupid stuff like movies and books, and never in front of anyone but Ella, yet here I was, crying into Sam’s massive chest.

He was shocked and rigid at first, then his arms hesitantly wrapped around me, holding me to him. I couldn’t tell you how long we stayed like that. But I realized that that was what I needed: someone to let me deal with my problems in whichever way I needed to, someone to just be there when I needed, even if it meant just holding me while I cried, instead of someone trying to make me feel better, like Ella did.

I finally pulled away from Sam and wiped my eyes. “Sorry about that,” I said awkwardly, my face flushing, staring at the gigantic tear stain on his shirt. “I’m not normally like this. Actually, I’m never like this.”

“It’s okay,” he assured me, grinning. “You’re kinda alright when you’re not being a bitch.”
I laughed a little and hesitated for a minute, then asked “You really wanna know?” He nodded, so like the fool I was, I told him everything.