Burning Memories.

The night air was cold to the touch and crisp on my lungs. Every breath felt refilling like I had been stuck somewhere small, dark and humid for so long I didn’t know what fresh air felt like anymore. I knew, for a fact, it wasn’t really as fresh as it felt. City air could never be clean but on nights like this it got very close.

Sound travelled extremely far on these nights too and if I was to drop a pin onto the dirty walk path at one end of the street, there was a good chance a person standing still on the other end could hear it. As it was my footsteps echoed off every flat surface making me feel like I wasn’t out here alone like I was. It was welcoming. And a little comforting.

I wasn’t the type of person to wonder the streets at night, even on weekends, but when I realised how nice it was outside and how cramped home got with distant memories; I just needed to get out of there. Walking in the footsteps of ghosts was something only someone could do for so long.

Above me the sky stood out from the street lights in a midnight purple-blue hue with only the brightest stars shining. The rest were covered by the day’s smog which was what gave the sky its purple tint. It’s hard to think that a year ago, right now; I was in the middle of nowhere looking up at the millions of stars. No smog, no lights and no clouds blocking their beauty.

And I wasn’t alone watching the shooting stars and satellites. I was with the guy who is my best friend – the person that more often than not had my life in his hands and held it like I was the most precious thing in the world, other than his girlfriend’s, naturally.

That afternoon without any real plans we pack a small overnight bag each, got in his car and drove away from the busy streets and noisy sidewalks. We escaped for the night watching the stars with small smiles and crickets chirping in the background hoping the night could have lasted longer for me.

May twenty-second, five years ago was the day that changed everything in my life. One minute everything was good; I had a great family, a happy life and everything a person really wish for when it came to happiness that money couldn’t buy. Then in the next moment; smoke alarms blaring, sizzling heat and black smoke. There was nothing left of the house for the fire-fighters to save and the only things to survive were the people that used to live in it.

The burn scars on my right arm told my part of the story that night.

The end of the street arrived and without much thought I carefully crossed the road, heading straight for a destination that I didn’t know. If I ended up walking in one huge long circle back towards home then so be it. I don’t really care where I went as long as I was away from my house for a little while and that I did end up back there before sunrise.

It probably wasn’t the best idea to go walking around the city at night alone, but it was still early enough that other people were out and that I felt mostly safe. A few cars went past at a decent speed, their tyres making light sounds against the bitumen and their low lights reflecting against anything shinny.

It wasn’t like I had a real choice to be alone one that one day every year I wished didn’t exist. It was his and his girlfriend’s sixth anniversary and as he spent last years with me driving to the middle of nowhere to watch the stars, it was only fair I let my friends have their day this year. We did offer her to come stargazing with us, but she politely declined. Why? I wasn’t really sure, I never asked, but I know it wasn’t for bad reasons.

Though I needed that night and the memory that made tonight bearable I still felt bad I took that away from them. So for the last couple of days I kept away from them, kept to my usual daily routines and hardly answering my phone. My parents were ringing the most anyway and with having today what it was, I didn’t want to talk to them at all.

It wasn’t the fire five years ago that destroyed the house making us start from scratch, it was how my parents treated the situation the moment they realised the house was really on fire while standing on the road, which caused the most damage. Anyone would have been devastated but they took it to a whole new level. So instead of starting over again and being happy that none of us was seriously hurt or even dead, they split the whole family apart into shreds. I guess you never realise how much you make things so much better in your head until reality hits. That wonderful family I thought I had? Wasn’t so perfectly wonderful at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love them but I don’t think I can forgive either of them for how they shattered this family. They could have done it a lot better if they really didn’t want to be together anymore or they could at least try in the first place. Not bloody watching the house burn down, walk away different directions like they didn’t care, and then spend the next five years arguing who had the kids thought two of us are long of legal age and who loved the kids most. It was never ending and heart splitting. I don’t blame my brother running off once he was eighteen and taking our little sister with him when I couldn’t support them myself.

I just wish I wasn’t the one left to deal with the ego ridden father and cry-baby-turn-bitch-in-a-second mother. Neither of which cared what the kids felt about all of this.

Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t for the house burning down, would have any of this happened? Would we still be a happy family that was still together like we used to be? Sometimes I think we would in my imaginary world. Most times I don’t.

I usually kept away from them and only talked to my siblings when I could. They lived in a different city so all I really had was my best friend and his girlfriend; the two closest people in my life.

I hope they were having fun tonight. And got the flowers I arranged to be sent to them. They deserve all the happiness in the world on this horrible day.

Slowly but surely I reached the end of the next block. When I got to the corner, I glanced around to see down the streets. They were busier then the multiple ones I passed because of the pubs and bars in this area. It was always very much alive at night as it was during the day.

There was a large open park diagonal from me and in the dark with only street lights lighting up the grass it looked really pretty – very photographic. Inviting as it was to go over there and sit on the usual bench I sat at during my lunch breaks three days a week, I turned on my heal treading back the way I came. As much as I know this is usually a good area, I didn’t want to be around people and I liked the silence I had earlier where there were only footsteps and cars puttering past.

I watched the concrete path flow under my feet as I walked. Not far from the corner there were kid’s drawings done in chalk that I didn’t notice before. I made sure not to step on any of the lines in hope that if I didn’t, the drawings would somehow last longer for who ever made them. It was a false hope like me wishing I could see the stars right now.

It didn’t take long before I reached the other corner and crossed back across the street. I stopped for a moment looking around again. The streets were empty apart from the cars and really where could I go now apart from home? Though I didn’t really want to go back there I didn’t want to be out here in the cold with nowhere to go anymore. Not that I had anywhere to go in the first place.

With a sigh my feet started moving again back to the start of this little trip. It wasn’t until then that I decided to go home that I noticed my face, hands and feet were numb from the cool night air. The gloves and thick shoes I was wearing did nothing to keep the heat in. It surprised me a little. How cold was it out here anyway?

I shoved my hands in my pockets and thought about what lovely things my friends could have got up to today as a distraction. She had been talking about wanting to see this movie at the cinema for days now; I hope he took her to see it to make up for last year.

When I was just two streets away from my house a car came cruising past but unlike every other one that had driven past; it slowed down, red brake lights brightening up the road which caught my attention. It didn’t stop completely though and sped up slightly heading down the street until I couldn’t see it anymore. I sped up my pace after that and made it four houses away from mine before I saw it again.

The car was in my drive way.

As I got closer I could notice the features of the vehicle. I realised who’s car it was right away then and let out a deep breath I didn’t notice hold in. The air came out in a quick puff of white smoke in front of my face.

I walked across my front lawn and entered through the unlocked front door. A burst of heat slammed against my skin making my gasp out loud at the sharp tingling feeling it created. The door clicked shut behind me followed by a similar noise from the lock. Shuffling could be heard in the lounge room, so I headed straight into there.

The TV was on; a DVD trailer playing, the lights were off letting the fire flicker low light all around the room and the coffee table was covered in a bunch of different movie night treats. On the couch sat my friends watching me with soft eyes and small smiles. I tried to smile back but my half frozen face refuses to, so I settled with a confused look.

“Shouldn’t you both be out celebrating your anniversary?” I asked lightly, almost curious.

He beamed up at me and simply patted the space on the couch besides him where she wasn’t sitting. I did as I was asked curling up into the warm fabric the moment I touched it.

“We have,” She smiled leaning forward to be able to see me. “We had a lovely time and thank you very much for the flowers.”
“You’re welcome.” I nodded gently pulling my heavy jacket tighter around me.

He swung an arm around my shoulders pulling me into his side. He flinched at how cold I was but didn’t mention it.

“And now we’re here to cheer you up,” He stated happily.
“But it’s your day,” I pointed out helplessly.

Surely they had something better then to spend their night with me. I know they worry about me and I appreciate that but I want them to be happy on this day. Knowing that they were made my day, well night as it was now, better.

“Like we said, we’ve already celebrated it. We couldn’t go and be happy when we know that you’re here by yourself on this day, of all days. I couldn’t do that,” He said.
“Me either,” She spoke up reaching around to pat my knee. “So we are here to make you forget, smile and have a good time like any best friends would.”
“Sorry but you can’t get rid of us. So no complaining!”

I smiled at them both and settled into couch more as she lifted the DVD player remote to press play.

This was how, on rear moments I imagined my family to still be like if the fire didn’t happen, but really when you really think about it, these two are my family. It was hard to remember sometimes with everything else that was going on that my parents dragged me though, but these two were my friends, support and some days where the ones that kept me going. If it wasn’t for them I have no idea where I would have been now, but defiantly not where I am right now.

Sometimes like today it hard going though what happened but maybe in some ways it was a good thing, because I maybe wouldn’t have been close to these two otherwise. I wouldn’t have known what real family love was like.

“Thank you,” I whispered over the opening scene of my favourite movie.

I revived a kiss on my cheek and another pat on my knee in return. From the corner of my eye I could see both of them smiling in the moving lights of the TV.

I smiled the brightest I had all day.