‹ Prequel: Spontaneous.
Status: coming soon
Unprepared.
1/1
I wouldn’t say that my parents were exactly over the moon when I finally broke the news to them that I had left Dave and was travelling around the country with Alex. And my mum was especially devastated when I told her that Alex and I had got married. We’d gone to a town hall about a week after I’d agree to go with him and had got married. There was nothing fancy or lavish about it. It was simple and quiet, just the two of us. And even though I’d only known Alex for almost 2 weeks, I didn’t hesitate when asked if I would take Alex to be my husband. When I told my parents that I’d only known Alex for a few weeks, they freaked out. They pointed out that he could be a criminal or a crazy person. But I already knew he wasn’t anything like that. He was kind and generous and loving. I’d been foolishly waiting, hoping, that Dave would be those things. And then I’d found Alex, and I hadn’t had to wait for him to change – he was everything I hoped my partner would be.
Alex and I travelled everywhere. We went to the very end of Cornwall, to the most southern part of England, and then made our way up to Scotland. We stopped in towns for a few days, or a couple of weeks. There was no set plan, and that was one of the most appealing aspects of this lifestyle. My life had been so monotonous for as long as I could remember – especially living with Dave – and having no schedule or routine was so amazingly freeing.
Of course, Alex and I both worked to support our lifestyle. Alex played in clubs and bars and wherever he could in the towns we stopped in. And I had been successful with the freelance writing position I’d applied to before leaving Dave. Even though individually we didn’t make a huge amount of money, when we combined our income, then we were pretty well off. We didn’t splash out on top star hotels, we weren’t stupid, but we had enough to be comfortable and eat properly and buy train tickets to our next destination. Alex had a map that he’d had since he was 15, which he used to keep track of where we were and where we were going. He circled the towns we wanted to go to in blue pen and then crossed them off as we left with red pens. The map slowly became more and more colourful as the months passed.
“Can you believe we’ve been together a year?” Alex asked me with a soft smile. For once, we’d sprung for a nice hotel while we were staying in Brighton. We’d been at the beach all day and then Alex took me to a nice restaurant that the hotel receptionist had recommended.
“Nope,” I said softly, snuggling into his side as we watched a film that was on the television. It wasn’t a great film – I wasn’t even sure of the name – and to be honest, we weren’t really watching it. “In a way, it’s gone so quickly I feel like I’ve only known you a month. But at the same time, I feel I know you so well it’s as though we’ve been together for 10 years.” Alex hummed in agreement and placed a kiss to my neck. I smiled softly and tilted my head to give him more space. Despite being married almost immediately, our physical relationship had taken a bit longer to develop. I wasn’t sure why, but just over a month after we had got married, we both just sensed that it was right. And to date, it was still one of the best nights of my life.
“I love you so much,” he whispered and I smiled and turned to face him. Those three words were first spoken about 4 months after we were married. Alex had said them first, but I’d known I’d loved him for a long time. I couldn’t pinpoint when exactly I knew. Part of me thought it was that first moment in the library.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, leaning forward to kiss him softly. Even after all this time, even after hundreds of kisses, touching my lips to Alex’s still brought fireworks to my closed eyelids.
Alex smiled into the kiss before deepening it. I happily parted my lips to him as I rolled onto my back on the hotel bed. Alex quickly followed and lay over me as he continued to kiss me. I loved him so much, more than I had even loved anyone else, and I knew that nothing would ever keep me from being with him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
Quickly, our shirts had been tossed away, and our bare skin touched. Goosebumps rose on my skin, as they do every time Alex teased my skin. His fingers went to my hips, which made a small moan slip past my lips. My hips, as Alex well knew, were my soft spot. If he touched me there…I would melt. And I knew that from Alex’s smirk, he loved being able to do that to me. “Alex,” I whispered, raising my hips to meet his feathery touches.
“Hmm,” he smiled. “What do you want, baby?”
“You,” I whispered. Alex smiled at me before kissing me again.
“You have me,” he whispered. “Always.”
After that, there was no more talking. Soon, our jeans had vanished and it was just our bodies tangling together to get as close as possible. I gasped and gazed into Alex’s eyes as he pushed into me. I couldn’t look away from him even if I had wanted to. His gaze was so strong and so full of love. I moaned softly once Alex was completely inside me and then he started moving his hips in and out in a gentle rhythm. My fingers rose to knot in his hair, pulling tightly as he found my prostate. My breath was coming in rapid gasps and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer. Alex knew it too. His hand grasped my hardness and he started to stroke me in time with his thrusts. I writhed and whimpered below him. Alex’s lips touched mine a second before I hit my orgasm and came over my stomach. Only a moment later, Alex came inside me, his hips slowing down slightly.
As our breathing slowed and our heart beats calmed down, Alex wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him firmly. I smiled and rest my head on his chest. I could hear his heart still going faster than normal and smiled softly. “Love you, Alex,” I whispered as my eyes grew heavy.
“Love you, Jamie,” he whispered back, running his fingers through my hair. “Happy anniversary.” I smiled before falling asleep.
--
Living life day-to-day was such an amazing experience. I should have known that it would come to a screeching halt eventually.
First, I started getting sick during the day. Alex and I thought I had caught a bug. At first, I agreed with him. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t a bug. I didn’t feel unwell, but I felt nauseas all the time. I started to get tired a lot of the time, too. As soon as Alex and I got on a train to move to a new town, I would fall asleep. I couldn’t stay out as late as I normally would to support Alex when he played late at night. And then, about a month after I started getting sick, I noticed that I needed to go to the bathroom a lot more frequently than I normally did. And I started getting some crazy cravings. I’d always hated the taste of coffee, and when I woke up one morning in a hotel room and made myself one, Alex started to get a bit concerned.
“Maybe you should go to the doctor,” he said with a gentle frown as he looked at me closely, as though he would be able to spot what was wrong.
“I’m fine,” I said, though I could hear the lack of conviction in my own voice. “It’s probably just the flu.”
“I’ll ask at reception for a doctor’s clinic,” Alex said, before leaving the room. Apparently, I didn’t have a say. I sighed and laid my hand over my stomach as the nauseas feeling returned. About 5 minutes later, Alex came back into the room with a number written on a bit of paper.
“I don’t need to go to the doctor, Alex,” I told him. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t want to risk it,” he said as he took out his phone to make me an appointment. Although his concern was touching, part of me was dreading what we would find out at the doctors.
Alex made me an appointment for later that afternoon. Despite my protestations, I was going to have a doctor’s appointment.
We arrived at the clinic about 10 minutes before the appointment, only to be told that the doctor was running behind schedule. It wasn’t really a problem, but I was starting to get kind of nervous, and I knew the wait was going to drive me insane. I also had to tell Alex that I didn’t want him coming in with me. “Jamie Spencer,” a woman’s voice called from the other end of the waiting room. I stood, and so did Alex. I turned to him and bit my lip.
“You want me to wait out here,” he guessed and I nodded.
“Please,” I whispered and he smiled and nodded before pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Thank you,” I smiled before turning and following the doctor into her office.
“So,” the doctor said as she sat down and offered the chair opposite to me. “What can I help you with?”
“Well,” I whispered, before clearing my throat. “I’ve, um… I’ve been feeling really sick for the last month or so, and I’ve been constantly tired. And I just wanted to come in and check that nothing’s wrong.” The doctor considered me for a moment.
“Has there been any else unusual?” she asked.
“Well, I’ve been going to the loo a lot,” I told her.
“Are you sexually active?” she asked and I blinked at the question. Sure, I guess it was a standard question for doctors, but I wasn’t expecting it.
“Um, yes,” I said, subconsciously playing with the gold ring on my left ring finger.
“Have you considered the possibility that you might be pregnant?” she asked gently and I lowered my head. I had considered it, but I had prayed that I wasn’t. I mean, sure, I would like to have a family. But Alex and I had never discussed it. And our current lifestyle definitely wasn’t appropriate for a child. “You can do a pregnancy test now if you would like,” she said, but I already knew what it would tell me. I shouldn’t have denied it for as long as I had. I was pregnant.
“I’ll do one when I get back to my hotel,” I told her and she smiled and nodded. She stood to get some leaflets from a cupboard for me.
“Read through these,” she said. “They’ll help you understand everything that you’ll be going through over the next few months.” I nodded, taking the pamphlets from her.
A few minutes later, I thanked the doctor and left her office. When my eyes landed on Alex, I felt my heart skip a beat. He looked up as I approached him and smiled at me. “So, what did she say?” he asked, taking hold of my hand.
“The flu,” I said quietly. “Nothing to worry about.”
“Oh, good,” he smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist as we walked out of the surgery. “Let’s go back to the hotel and get you in bed. I’m guessing she just said to get lots of rest? Do you need anything else?”
“No,” I smiled at him. I hated myself for lying to Alex. But he so loved moving and travelling, that I couldn’t take that away from him by telling him the truth.
--
Later that night, Alex fell asleep before me. It didn’t surprise me, seeing as there was so much going on in my head. Tears trickled from the corners of my eyes as I realised that I couldn’t do this to Alex. I couldn’t force him to settle down when he didn’t want to. And I wasn’t going to get rid of our baby.
I slid out of bed silently and pulled on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. I then went over to the desk in the hotel room, which held a few sheets of paper and a pen. There was so much I wanted to say, so much that was going through my head. But I knew that if I wrote everything that I wanted to, Alex would come after me. So instead, I kept it simple. I’m sorry.
I went back to the bed and looked down at Alex, who was still sleeping peacefully, and couldn’t help but smile. I loved him so much, I knew this was going to kill me. But it was better than the alternative of taking this life away from him. Nothing gave him more pleasure than travel. I leant down and kissed the corner of his lips lightly before standing again. I looked down at him for another moment, before I forced myself to turn away and leave the hotel room.
--
A three-hour train ride and a short taxi drive later, I was standing at my parents’ front door. I hadn’t had any other choice. I rang the doorbell and waited. It was almost 6 o’clock, so I knew my dad would be up by now to get ready for work. And, sure enough, my dad appeared at the front door only a few minutes later. “Jamie?” dad asked, clearly confused. I smiled, feeling slightly awkward. My parents and I weren’t on the best of terms since I’d run off with Alex, but I really hoped that we could move on, because I didn’t have anyone else.
“Hey, dad,” I smiled.
“What are you doing here?” he asked and I sighed.
“It’s kind of complicated…” I said slowly. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he said, as though he hadn’t realised we were standing at the front door. “Shall I wake your mum?”
“Um, we can talk later,” I said. “I mean, if you need to get to work. And…I’m kinda tired.” Having been awake for the last 24 hours, I was more than ready to get some sleep.
“Okay, your room is just how you left it, so go have a rest,” he said with a gentle smile. “We can talk when you wake up.” I smiled and hugged him tightly.
“Thanks, dad,” I smiled, before heading to my old bedroom.
Just as dad had said, it was exactly as I’d left it when I’d moved out to live with Dave. I sighed and lay on my bed. I raised my left hand and looked at the gold band on my ring finger. I wondered if Alex would have woken up and realised I was gone yet. I wondered how he’d react. I rolled onto my side as my eyes brimmed with tears. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but I knew it was the right thing.
When I woke up again, I glanced at the clock and saw it was mid-afternoon. My stomach was growling angrily and I sat up. I knew my mum would be home, so I was kind of nervous to leave my room. But I had to.
Still in my clothes from the day before, I headed to the kitchen to find something to eat. My mum was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and I paused when my eyes landed on her. “Hey,” I said quietly.
“Hey,” she replied. I swallowed nervously and then went to the cupboard to get an apple. “So…what happened?”
“Nothing happened,” I said. Her question implied that something bad had happened. I knew she didn’t approve of my relationship with Alex. “This isn't anything to do with Alex.”
“Well why are you here?” she asked and I sat at the kitchen table, my appetite suddenly disappearing.
“I’m pregnant,” I said, deciding just to get it out there. “And Alex…he loves moving around and that’s no life for a child.”
“Did he know you were leaving?” mum asked with a gentle frown. I was surprised she wasn’t more shocked at the situation.
“No,” I whispered. “I left after he fell asleep.”
“And does he know about the baby?” she asked and I shook my head. “Don’t you think you should tell him?”
“We’d never discussed having a family before,” I told her. “I don’t know if it’s something he even wants. And I don’t want to force him to stop doing what he loves by telling him.” My mum nodded slowly and then sighed.
“I still think he deserves to know,” she said and I shook my head.
“I can't,” I whispered.
We were both silent for a while and then my mum sighed. “Okay, so what do you want to do now?” she asked.
“Well, I’m going to start looking for a place to live around here,” I told her. “I have a fair amount of money from working at the newspaper. I’ll be able to put the deposit down on a flat and pay the rent. I just…need to stay here while I look. Is that okay?”
“Of course,” she smiled. “I meant about the baby. You need to see a doctor and get everything checked.” I smiled at her and nodded.
“Thanks,” I whispered and she just smiled and nodded.
--
Soon, a month had passed and Alex hadn’t got in contact with me; I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or not. I’d thrown my phone away and he didn’t know where my parents lived, so it wouldn’t be easy to find me, but still. I missed him desperately. I wondered where he was, if he was thinking about me, if he hated me for leaving. I wanted to phone him just to hear his voice, but I wouldn’t let myself. I’d left for Alex and I couldn’t go running back to him now.
“How’s the flat hunt coming?” dad asked one night and I shrugged.
“Slow,” I said. “I want something with 2 bedrooms and it’s quite hard to find, especially within my budget.” They’d offered me some money to help me, but I’d refused. I wanted to do this on my own. I was still working and submitting articles, so I was still receiving an income. And without having to pay for food or hotels, my money was steadily building up. I was glad, because I would have to pay for nappies and clothes and all the furniture. Again, my mum said they’d be happy to buy some stuff, and I was considering letting them do that, only because I wasn’t sure how I’d cope on my own.
I was at home on my own quite a lot of the time, as both my parents were working. I just shut myself in my dad’s study and worked. So, when the doorbell rang one afternoon, I sighed and rose to answer the door. I figured my parents had ordered something for the baby, as they taken to doing recently, and it was being delivered. I opened the door, expecting to be faced with a delivery man with a large parcel, but instead I saw Alex. All the breath was sucked out of my lungs and I held onto the doorframe for support. “Alex,” I whispered. “What…What are you doing here?”
“Looking for my husband,” he said, stepping closer to me as he gazed into my eyes. “He ran away, so I ran after him.” Tears gathered in my eyes and I quickly shook my head.
“How did you find me?” I asked shakily. Alex’s eyes were soft and still full of love.
“I went back to Garston and went to your newspaper,” he said and my lips parted in shock. “They said that the only address they had for you was your one with Dave. So I went to his flat and asked him if he’d seen you. He hadn’t, so I asked him where your parents live. And he sent me here.”
“Just like that?” I whispered, confused that Dave was so willing to help.
“Well, I had to give him a fair amount of money, but he gave me answers eventually,” Alex said. He stepped closer to me again and gently reached up and cupped my cheek in his palm. “Why did you leave, Jamie?” I closed my eyes tight and lowered my head.
“I had to,” I whispered.
“Why?” Alex persisted. I looked up into his eyes and tears fell from my eyes. Alex tenderly wiped them away.
“I couldn’t make you…you love travelling and…I couldn’t ask you to stop,” I whispered, looking up into his confused eyes.
“You should have told me if you didn’t like it,” he said. “We would have stopped moving around if you didn’t want to.”
“I did like it,” I told him honestly. “It was so much fun but…”
“But…?” Alex prompted and I sighed and looked down at my stomach as I rested a hand on my abdomen.
“I’m pregnant,” I said quietly. Alex took a small step backwards, as though my words were a physical blow.
“Oh,” he mumbled and another tear trickled down my cheek. As my eyes stayed glued to the ground, I watched as his feet moved him further and further away from me until he’d gone completely. I squeezed my eyes shut as I closed the front door. I went back into the study, but no way could I focus to work now. I pushed my laptop away and rested my head on the desk as tears rolled out of my eyes in a constant stream.
Later that night, when my parents got home from work, they both instantly realised that I’d been crying. “What’s wrong?” mum asked anxiously.
“Alex,” I whispered. “He was here and…I told him. And he left.” Both of my parents were shocked and clearly didn’t know what to say.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” mum said and I smiled and nodded.
“I’m just…gonna go to bed,” I said, turning away and going upstairs. Neither of my parents said anything and silent tears trickled down my cheeks as I closed my bedroom door. With Alex not knowing, I’d been able to convince myself that he would be happy when I told him. But now that he knew and he wasn’t happy…I didn’t know what to think.
I lay in bed for hours and then I heard the doorbell and I sat up abruptly. What if Alex had come back? I silently got out of bed and crept across my room and pressed my ear to the door. But I couldn’t hear anything. As quietly as I could, I opened the door and moved closer to the stairs. “I know I shouldn’t have left,” I heard Alex saying. “But I really need to see him. Please.”
“I’m not sure,” dad said. “He was pretty heartbroken.”
“I know,” Alex said and I could hear the regret in his voice. “I was just shocked and I… I’m not going anywhere now. I love him.” I could tell by my dad’s silence that he didn’t know what to say, so I decided to make myself known. I slowly walked down the stairs, keeping my eyes on Alex. When he looked up and met my eyes, he immediately stepped forward, around my dad. “Jamie, I’m so sorry,” he said, reaching for my hand and holding it tightly. “I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. But please don’t think that I don’t want this with you. Because I do.”
“You do?” I whispered, tears in my eyes.
“Yeah,” Alex smiled. “I’d be honoured to have a family with you.” I smiled softly.
“But…you love being able to pick up and leave whenever you want,” I said. “What if you get bored of being in one place?”
“I won't,” he said surely.
“How do you know?” I asked doubtfully.
“Because you’ll be there,” he said. “Travelling is only fun if you’re there to travel with me.” I looked up at him, too scared to believe him. “Trust me, Jamie,” Alex whispered. “I’m not going to lose you again. This last month was hell.” I smiled softly and squeezed the hand that was still tightly gripping mine. Alex smiled softly and moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around me waist as he leant his forehead on mine. “I love you so much,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, bringing my arms up to wrap around his shoulders. “So, so much.” Alex’s lips descended onto mine and I smiled slightly as I pressed myself as close to him as possible.
“And I love our baby,” he whispered as he pulled away and he rested his hand on my stomach. I smiled as tears gathered in my eyes. “Please stop crying,” Alex said gently and I smiled weakly.
“Can’t help it,” I whispered as I leant into Alex’s shoulder. Alex held me tightly for several more minutes and then I finally pulled away. “Do you want to meet my parents?” I asked him and he smiled and nodded. I led him into the living room, where I knew my parents would be anxiously waiting. As soon as we walked through the door, they both stood. “Mum, dad, this is Alex, my husband,” I smiled.
“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Alex smiled at them, but I wouldn’t let go of his hand, so he couldn’t shake their hands.
“Well, I have to admit,” mum said with a smile, “that you’re much better than I had imagined.” I smiled softly and looked up at Alex, who was also smiling.
“Thank you,” he smiled. “I promise, your son is in good hands. And we’re not going to be moving around anymore. I found us a place nearby, because I guessed that Jamie wouldn’t want to move too far away from you.”
“You what?” I asked with a frown.
“I found us a flat this afternoon,” he said. “It’s got 2 bedrooms, so the baby will have a room. It’s only about 20 minutes from here.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and showed me one of the flats I’d been looking at but that had been way out of my price range.
“We can't afford that,” I told his gently.
“Yeah, we can,” he smiled. “I had a job interview last week as a permanent studio musician in London.”
“What?” I frowned, still confused.
“I figured that you wanted to stop travelling, I just didn’t know the reason,” he said, laying his hand back on my stomach. “So I applied for some permanent jobs around here so I could support you and our child.” Tears gathered in my eyes once again even though he’d asked me to stop crying.
“You’re amazing,” I whispered and Alex just smiled and shrugged.
“I’ll do anything to make sure you’re happy,” he said and I smiled, but couldn’t put my emotions into words. Instead, I just moved into his arms and hugged him tightly.
“Thank you,” I whispered into his ear. Alex’s arms around me just tightened.
--
Seven and a half months later, mine and Alex’s child came into the world. Little Jessica May was born on the 8th of October. She was instantly loved by her fathers and her grandparents. My mum had always wanted a daughter, and a granddaughter was more than she’d ever hoped for. I couldn’t wait to take her home to our new flat and lay her in her brand new crib. While we were still in the hospital, my parents and Alex took turns holding her. I just relaxed in the hospital bed and watched them. Alex sat on the bed next to me while my mum was cuddling out new baby and kissed my lightly. “Thank you,” he smiled. I just smiled back and placed my hands at the back of his neck and brought him in for another kiss.
Alex and I travelled everywhere. We went to the very end of Cornwall, to the most southern part of England, and then made our way up to Scotland. We stopped in towns for a few days, or a couple of weeks. There was no set plan, and that was one of the most appealing aspects of this lifestyle. My life had been so monotonous for as long as I could remember – especially living with Dave – and having no schedule or routine was so amazingly freeing.
Of course, Alex and I both worked to support our lifestyle. Alex played in clubs and bars and wherever he could in the towns we stopped in. And I had been successful with the freelance writing position I’d applied to before leaving Dave. Even though individually we didn’t make a huge amount of money, when we combined our income, then we were pretty well off. We didn’t splash out on top star hotels, we weren’t stupid, but we had enough to be comfortable and eat properly and buy train tickets to our next destination. Alex had a map that he’d had since he was 15, which he used to keep track of where we were and where we were going. He circled the towns we wanted to go to in blue pen and then crossed them off as we left with red pens. The map slowly became more and more colourful as the months passed.
“Can you believe we’ve been together a year?” Alex asked me with a soft smile. For once, we’d sprung for a nice hotel while we were staying in Brighton. We’d been at the beach all day and then Alex took me to a nice restaurant that the hotel receptionist had recommended.
“Nope,” I said softly, snuggling into his side as we watched a film that was on the television. It wasn’t a great film – I wasn’t even sure of the name – and to be honest, we weren’t really watching it. “In a way, it’s gone so quickly I feel like I’ve only known you a month. But at the same time, I feel I know you so well it’s as though we’ve been together for 10 years.” Alex hummed in agreement and placed a kiss to my neck. I smiled softly and tilted my head to give him more space. Despite being married almost immediately, our physical relationship had taken a bit longer to develop. I wasn’t sure why, but just over a month after we had got married, we both just sensed that it was right. And to date, it was still one of the best nights of my life.
“I love you so much,” he whispered and I smiled and turned to face him. Those three words were first spoken about 4 months after we were married. Alex had said them first, but I’d known I’d loved him for a long time. I couldn’t pinpoint when exactly I knew. Part of me thought it was that first moment in the library.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, leaning forward to kiss him softly. Even after all this time, even after hundreds of kisses, touching my lips to Alex’s still brought fireworks to my closed eyelids.
Alex smiled into the kiss before deepening it. I happily parted my lips to him as I rolled onto my back on the hotel bed. Alex quickly followed and lay over me as he continued to kiss me. I loved him so much, more than I had even loved anyone else, and I knew that nothing would ever keep me from being with him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
Quickly, our shirts had been tossed away, and our bare skin touched. Goosebumps rose on my skin, as they do every time Alex teased my skin. His fingers went to my hips, which made a small moan slip past my lips. My hips, as Alex well knew, were my soft spot. If he touched me there…I would melt. And I knew that from Alex’s smirk, he loved being able to do that to me. “Alex,” I whispered, raising my hips to meet his feathery touches.
“Hmm,” he smiled. “What do you want, baby?”
“You,” I whispered. Alex smiled at me before kissing me again.
“You have me,” he whispered. “Always.”
After that, there was no more talking. Soon, our jeans had vanished and it was just our bodies tangling together to get as close as possible. I gasped and gazed into Alex’s eyes as he pushed into me. I couldn’t look away from him even if I had wanted to. His gaze was so strong and so full of love. I moaned softly once Alex was completely inside me and then he started moving his hips in and out in a gentle rhythm. My fingers rose to knot in his hair, pulling tightly as he found my prostate. My breath was coming in rapid gasps and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer. Alex knew it too. His hand grasped my hardness and he started to stroke me in time with his thrusts. I writhed and whimpered below him. Alex’s lips touched mine a second before I hit my orgasm and came over my stomach. Only a moment later, Alex came inside me, his hips slowing down slightly.
As our breathing slowed and our heart beats calmed down, Alex wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him firmly. I smiled and rest my head on his chest. I could hear his heart still going faster than normal and smiled softly. “Love you, Alex,” I whispered as my eyes grew heavy.
“Love you, Jamie,” he whispered back, running his fingers through my hair. “Happy anniversary.” I smiled before falling asleep.
--
Living life day-to-day was such an amazing experience. I should have known that it would come to a screeching halt eventually.
First, I started getting sick during the day. Alex and I thought I had caught a bug. At first, I agreed with him. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t a bug. I didn’t feel unwell, but I felt nauseas all the time. I started to get tired a lot of the time, too. As soon as Alex and I got on a train to move to a new town, I would fall asleep. I couldn’t stay out as late as I normally would to support Alex when he played late at night. And then, about a month after I started getting sick, I noticed that I needed to go to the bathroom a lot more frequently than I normally did. And I started getting some crazy cravings. I’d always hated the taste of coffee, and when I woke up one morning in a hotel room and made myself one, Alex started to get a bit concerned.
“Maybe you should go to the doctor,” he said with a gentle frown as he looked at me closely, as though he would be able to spot what was wrong.
“I’m fine,” I said, though I could hear the lack of conviction in my own voice. “It’s probably just the flu.”
“I’ll ask at reception for a doctor’s clinic,” Alex said, before leaving the room. Apparently, I didn’t have a say. I sighed and laid my hand over my stomach as the nauseas feeling returned. About 5 minutes later, Alex came back into the room with a number written on a bit of paper.
“I don’t need to go to the doctor, Alex,” I told him. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t want to risk it,” he said as he took out his phone to make me an appointment. Although his concern was touching, part of me was dreading what we would find out at the doctors.
Alex made me an appointment for later that afternoon. Despite my protestations, I was going to have a doctor’s appointment.
We arrived at the clinic about 10 minutes before the appointment, only to be told that the doctor was running behind schedule. It wasn’t really a problem, but I was starting to get kind of nervous, and I knew the wait was going to drive me insane. I also had to tell Alex that I didn’t want him coming in with me. “Jamie Spencer,” a woman’s voice called from the other end of the waiting room. I stood, and so did Alex. I turned to him and bit my lip.
“You want me to wait out here,” he guessed and I nodded.
“Please,” I whispered and he smiled and nodded before pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Thank you,” I smiled before turning and following the doctor into her office.
“So,” the doctor said as she sat down and offered the chair opposite to me. “What can I help you with?”
“Well,” I whispered, before clearing my throat. “I’ve, um… I’ve been feeling really sick for the last month or so, and I’ve been constantly tired. And I just wanted to come in and check that nothing’s wrong.” The doctor considered me for a moment.
“Has there been any else unusual?” she asked.
“Well, I’ve been going to the loo a lot,” I told her.
“Are you sexually active?” she asked and I blinked at the question. Sure, I guess it was a standard question for doctors, but I wasn’t expecting it.
“Um, yes,” I said, subconsciously playing with the gold ring on my left ring finger.
“Have you considered the possibility that you might be pregnant?” she asked gently and I lowered my head. I had considered it, but I had prayed that I wasn’t. I mean, sure, I would like to have a family. But Alex and I had never discussed it. And our current lifestyle definitely wasn’t appropriate for a child. “You can do a pregnancy test now if you would like,” she said, but I already knew what it would tell me. I shouldn’t have denied it for as long as I had. I was pregnant.
“I’ll do one when I get back to my hotel,” I told her and she smiled and nodded. She stood to get some leaflets from a cupboard for me.
“Read through these,” she said. “They’ll help you understand everything that you’ll be going through over the next few months.” I nodded, taking the pamphlets from her.
A few minutes later, I thanked the doctor and left her office. When my eyes landed on Alex, I felt my heart skip a beat. He looked up as I approached him and smiled at me. “So, what did she say?” he asked, taking hold of my hand.
“The flu,” I said quietly. “Nothing to worry about.”
“Oh, good,” he smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist as we walked out of the surgery. “Let’s go back to the hotel and get you in bed. I’m guessing she just said to get lots of rest? Do you need anything else?”
“No,” I smiled at him. I hated myself for lying to Alex. But he so loved moving and travelling, that I couldn’t take that away from him by telling him the truth.
--
Later that night, Alex fell asleep before me. It didn’t surprise me, seeing as there was so much going on in my head. Tears trickled from the corners of my eyes as I realised that I couldn’t do this to Alex. I couldn’t force him to settle down when he didn’t want to. And I wasn’t going to get rid of our baby.
I slid out of bed silently and pulled on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. I then went over to the desk in the hotel room, which held a few sheets of paper and a pen. There was so much I wanted to say, so much that was going through my head. But I knew that if I wrote everything that I wanted to, Alex would come after me. So instead, I kept it simple. I’m sorry.
I went back to the bed and looked down at Alex, who was still sleeping peacefully, and couldn’t help but smile. I loved him so much, I knew this was going to kill me. But it was better than the alternative of taking this life away from him. Nothing gave him more pleasure than travel. I leant down and kissed the corner of his lips lightly before standing again. I looked down at him for another moment, before I forced myself to turn away and leave the hotel room.
--
A three-hour train ride and a short taxi drive later, I was standing at my parents’ front door. I hadn’t had any other choice. I rang the doorbell and waited. It was almost 6 o’clock, so I knew my dad would be up by now to get ready for work. And, sure enough, my dad appeared at the front door only a few minutes later. “Jamie?” dad asked, clearly confused. I smiled, feeling slightly awkward. My parents and I weren’t on the best of terms since I’d run off with Alex, but I really hoped that we could move on, because I didn’t have anyone else.
“Hey, dad,” I smiled.
“What are you doing here?” he asked and I sighed.
“It’s kind of complicated…” I said slowly. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he said, as though he hadn’t realised we were standing at the front door. “Shall I wake your mum?”
“Um, we can talk later,” I said. “I mean, if you need to get to work. And…I’m kinda tired.” Having been awake for the last 24 hours, I was more than ready to get some sleep.
“Okay, your room is just how you left it, so go have a rest,” he said with a gentle smile. “We can talk when you wake up.” I smiled and hugged him tightly.
“Thanks, dad,” I smiled, before heading to my old bedroom.
Just as dad had said, it was exactly as I’d left it when I’d moved out to live with Dave. I sighed and lay on my bed. I raised my left hand and looked at the gold band on my ring finger. I wondered if Alex would have woken up and realised I was gone yet. I wondered how he’d react. I rolled onto my side as my eyes brimmed with tears. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but I knew it was the right thing.
When I woke up again, I glanced at the clock and saw it was mid-afternoon. My stomach was growling angrily and I sat up. I knew my mum would be home, so I was kind of nervous to leave my room. But I had to.
Still in my clothes from the day before, I headed to the kitchen to find something to eat. My mum was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and I paused when my eyes landed on her. “Hey,” I said quietly.
“Hey,” she replied. I swallowed nervously and then went to the cupboard to get an apple. “So…what happened?”
“Nothing happened,” I said. Her question implied that something bad had happened. I knew she didn’t approve of my relationship with Alex. “This isn't anything to do with Alex.”
“Well why are you here?” she asked and I sat at the kitchen table, my appetite suddenly disappearing.
“I’m pregnant,” I said, deciding just to get it out there. “And Alex…he loves moving around and that’s no life for a child.”
“Did he know you were leaving?” mum asked with a gentle frown. I was surprised she wasn’t more shocked at the situation.
“No,” I whispered. “I left after he fell asleep.”
“And does he know about the baby?” she asked and I shook my head. “Don’t you think you should tell him?”
“We’d never discussed having a family before,” I told her. “I don’t know if it’s something he even wants. And I don’t want to force him to stop doing what he loves by telling him.” My mum nodded slowly and then sighed.
“I still think he deserves to know,” she said and I shook my head.
“I can't,” I whispered.
We were both silent for a while and then my mum sighed. “Okay, so what do you want to do now?” she asked.
“Well, I’m going to start looking for a place to live around here,” I told her. “I have a fair amount of money from working at the newspaper. I’ll be able to put the deposit down on a flat and pay the rent. I just…need to stay here while I look. Is that okay?”
“Of course,” she smiled. “I meant about the baby. You need to see a doctor and get everything checked.” I smiled at her and nodded.
“Thanks,” I whispered and she just smiled and nodded.
--
Soon, a month had passed and Alex hadn’t got in contact with me; I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or not. I’d thrown my phone away and he didn’t know where my parents lived, so it wouldn’t be easy to find me, but still. I missed him desperately. I wondered where he was, if he was thinking about me, if he hated me for leaving. I wanted to phone him just to hear his voice, but I wouldn’t let myself. I’d left for Alex and I couldn’t go running back to him now.
“How’s the flat hunt coming?” dad asked one night and I shrugged.
“Slow,” I said. “I want something with 2 bedrooms and it’s quite hard to find, especially within my budget.” They’d offered me some money to help me, but I’d refused. I wanted to do this on my own. I was still working and submitting articles, so I was still receiving an income. And without having to pay for food or hotels, my money was steadily building up. I was glad, because I would have to pay for nappies and clothes and all the furniture. Again, my mum said they’d be happy to buy some stuff, and I was considering letting them do that, only because I wasn’t sure how I’d cope on my own.
I was at home on my own quite a lot of the time, as both my parents were working. I just shut myself in my dad’s study and worked. So, when the doorbell rang one afternoon, I sighed and rose to answer the door. I figured my parents had ordered something for the baby, as they taken to doing recently, and it was being delivered. I opened the door, expecting to be faced with a delivery man with a large parcel, but instead I saw Alex. All the breath was sucked out of my lungs and I held onto the doorframe for support. “Alex,” I whispered. “What…What are you doing here?”
“Looking for my husband,” he said, stepping closer to me as he gazed into my eyes. “He ran away, so I ran after him.” Tears gathered in my eyes and I quickly shook my head.
“How did you find me?” I asked shakily. Alex’s eyes were soft and still full of love.
“I went back to Garston and went to your newspaper,” he said and my lips parted in shock. “They said that the only address they had for you was your one with Dave. So I went to his flat and asked him if he’d seen you. He hadn’t, so I asked him where your parents live. And he sent me here.”
“Just like that?” I whispered, confused that Dave was so willing to help.
“Well, I had to give him a fair amount of money, but he gave me answers eventually,” Alex said. He stepped closer to me again and gently reached up and cupped my cheek in his palm. “Why did you leave, Jamie?” I closed my eyes tight and lowered my head.
“I had to,” I whispered.
“Why?” Alex persisted. I looked up into his eyes and tears fell from my eyes. Alex tenderly wiped them away.
“I couldn’t make you…you love travelling and…I couldn’t ask you to stop,” I whispered, looking up into his confused eyes.
“You should have told me if you didn’t like it,” he said. “We would have stopped moving around if you didn’t want to.”
“I did like it,” I told him honestly. “It was so much fun but…”
“But…?” Alex prompted and I sighed and looked down at my stomach as I rested a hand on my abdomen.
“I’m pregnant,” I said quietly. Alex took a small step backwards, as though my words were a physical blow.
“Oh,” he mumbled and another tear trickled down my cheek. As my eyes stayed glued to the ground, I watched as his feet moved him further and further away from me until he’d gone completely. I squeezed my eyes shut as I closed the front door. I went back into the study, but no way could I focus to work now. I pushed my laptop away and rested my head on the desk as tears rolled out of my eyes in a constant stream.
Later that night, when my parents got home from work, they both instantly realised that I’d been crying. “What’s wrong?” mum asked anxiously.
“Alex,” I whispered. “He was here and…I told him. And he left.” Both of my parents were shocked and clearly didn’t know what to say.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” mum said and I smiled and nodded.
“I’m just…gonna go to bed,” I said, turning away and going upstairs. Neither of my parents said anything and silent tears trickled down my cheeks as I closed my bedroom door. With Alex not knowing, I’d been able to convince myself that he would be happy when I told him. But now that he knew and he wasn’t happy…I didn’t know what to think.
I lay in bed for hours and then I heard the doorbell and I sat up abruptly. What if Alex had come back? I silently got out of bed and crept across my room and pressed my ear to the door. But I couldn’t hear anything. As quietly as I could, I opened the door and moved closer to the stairs. “I know I shouldn’t have left,” I heard Alex saying. “But I really need to see him. Please.”
“I’m not sure,” dad said. “He was pretty heartbroken.”
“I know,” Alex said and I could hear the regret in his voice. “I was just shocked and I… I’m not going anywhere now. I love him.” I could tell by my dad’s silence that he didn’t know what to say, so I decided to make myself known. I slowly walked down the stairs, keeping my eyes on Alex. When he looked up and met my eyes, he immediately stepped forward, around my dad. “Jamie, I’m so sorry,” he said, reaching for my hand and holding it tightly. “I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. But please don’t think that I don’t want this with you. Because I do.”
“You do?” I whispered, tears in my eyes.
“Yeah,” Alex smiled. “I’d be honoured to have a family with you.” I smiled softly.
“But…you love being able to pick up and leave whenever you want,” I said. “What if you get bored of being in one place?”
“I won't,” he said surely.
“How do you know?” I asked doubtfully.
“Because you’ll be there,” he said. “Travelling is only fun if you’re there to travel with me.” I looked up at him, too scared to believe him. “Trust me, Jamie,” Alex whispered. “I’m not going to lose you again. This last month was hell.” I smiled softly and squeezed the hand that was still tightly gripping mine. Alex smiled softly and moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around me waist as he leant his forehead on mine. “I love you so much,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, bringing my arms up to wrap around his shoulders. “So, so much.” Alex’s lips descended onto mine and I smiled slightly as I pressed myself as close to him as possible.
“And I love our baby,” he whispered as he pulled away and he rested his hand on my stomach. I smiled as tears gathered in my eyes. “Please stop crying,” Alex said gently and I smiled weakly.
“Can’t help it,” I whispered as I leant into Alex’s shoulder. Alex held me tightly for several more minutes and then I finally pulled away. “Do you want to meet my parents?” I asked him and he smiled and nodded. I led him into the living room, where I knew my parents would be anxiously waiting. As soon as we walked through the door, they both stood. “Mum, dad, this is Alex, my husband,” I smiled.
“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Alex smiled at them, but I wouldn’t let go of his hand, so he couldn’t shake their hands.
“Well, I have to admit,” mum said with a smile, “that you’re much better than I had imagined.” I smiled softly and looked up at Alex, who was also smiling.
“Thank you,” he smiled. “I promise, your son is in good hands. And we’re not going to be moving around anymore. I found us a place nearby, because I guessed that Jamie wouldn’t want to move too far away from you.”
“You what?” I asked with a frown.
“I found us a flat this afternoon,” he said. “It’s got 2 bedrooms, so the baby will have a room. It’s only about 20 minutes from here.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and showed me one of the flats I’d been looking at but that had been way out of my price range.
“We can't afford that,” I told his gently.
“Yeah, we can,” he smiled. “I had a job interview last week as a permanent studio musician in London.”
“What?” I frowned, still confused.
“I figured that you wanted to stop travelling, I just didn’t know the reason,” he said, laying his hand back on my stomach. “So I applied for some permanent jobs around here so I could support you and our child.” Tears gathered in my eyes once again even though he’d asked me to stop crying.
“You’re amazing,” I whispered and Alex just smiled and shrugged.
“I’ll do anything to make sure you’re happy,” he said and I smiled, but couldn’t put my emotions into words. Instead, I just moved into his arms and hugged him tightly.
“Thank you,” I whispered into his ear. Alex’s arms around me just tightened.
--
Seven and a half months later, mine and Alex’s child came into the world. Little Jessica May was born on the 8th of October. She was instantly loved by her fathers and her grandparents. My mum had always wanted a daughter, and a granddaughter was more than she’d ever hoped for. I couldn’t wait to take her home to our new flat and lay her in her brand new crib. While we were still in the hospital, my parents and Alex took turns holding her. I just relaxed in the hospital bed and watched them. Alex sat on the bed next to me while my mum was cuddling out new baby and kissed my lightly. “Thank you,” he smiled. I just smiled back and placed my hands at the back of his neck and brought him in for another kiss.
♠ ♠ ♠
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