She Will Be Loved

“$2.50 please.” I handed him a twenty and he gave me my change. He must’ve seen how tired I was or that I’ve been crying.
“Are you okay?” I nodded and moved on. “You sure? I could help you.”
He tried to reach out and touch my hand but I pulled away and ran. All I wanted was a stupid coffee to get me through the morning and I can’t even do that without being driven away. I slowed to a walk when I saw a cop car parked in the alleyway I was about to pass.
The policeman was staring at me. I know I was probably just being paranoid, but I tensed up. I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. As soon as I was passing the car, he opened his door and I tried to act as normal as I could and took a drink of my fresh gas station coffee. He walked towards me, and I heard his footsteps a follow behind. I told myself not to panic.Don’t panic.. Don’t panic My mom has been in trouble with the police before… but she bribes them… and they let her go.
Let’s just say I don’t enjoy those “bribes.”
The cop always changed his pace to match mine. I felt my heart pounding and I almost began to sweat. When I thought he wasn’t looking, I ducked into the nearest alleyway and ran. I took as many turns as I could and changed up direction, so it wouldn’t be easy to follow if that’s what he was doing. And somehow, I got away.
Sooner or later I made it halfway across town and by then it was noon. I stopped inside a McDonald’s to get a burger. I was starving since I hadn’t eaten a proper meal in about 4 days… I ordered a large fry and a soda. I gave her my money and she gave me change.
“Are you alright?” she says to me, I swear cashiers are psychic.
“Yeah, fine.” I mumble. And yet she doesn’t give up.
“You sure? How old are you anyway?”
“Please just do your job and stay out of my business.” I take my food at this point and just walk out. If I had the guts I would’ve asked for the manager, but I wasn’t that brave and I didn’t want to make more of a scene than I already had.
I walked around more -- sat in the park and ate my lunch. After I was finished a dog ran up to me and licked my hands, then ran back into the protection of their owner. I laughed. It was a weird feeling, unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but it still felt good.
I walked for hours. Then suddenly the wind picked up and even though it was 83 degrees outside it made it feel like 60 degrees. I felt so frozen, or as frozen as someone can get in summer. It was painful and annoying to walk. I found refuge inside a bank until 5 pm, but then they made me get out. Should’ve packed a sweatshirt. Thank you Captain Hindsight. You are only good AFTER we make the decision.
It’s now 8:58 pm, and I’m in an alleyway, exhausted. This is where I’ve decided to make my nest for the night. Yay, garbage. It’s better than my shitty life at “home.” I don’t want to run. I don’t want to leave. I want to change. I want Allison to be a mom and to care and I want her to love me, and I want to care about her. I want my dad to be around. I want my mom to have a real job. I want to be better. But the trouble with myself is… I can’t change myself. I don’t even know who I am.