She Will Be Loved

I left my nest this morning at 7 am and started walking again (after laying down for half an hour trying to wake up and digest the fact that I smell like trash)… I wonder if my dad was like this… always on the run. Before, he was always there, but that was once upon a time. I remember he used to play with me. We used to race to eat breakfast, he even showed me how to ride a tricycle. And still, a week after my fifth birthday he just… left. I remember hearing Allison and my dad fighting. She was screaming at him to go on and leave, and that she didn’t need him. I think we both know the truth though. She did need him, she was just too fucking proud to say anything different. Now Allison doesn’t need anyone, but somehow she still “needs” me. She doesn’t care about anyone or anything except for her damn “clients” and her precious money, hence why she needs me.
My dad always said he loved Allison. I guess he might have… maybe she did something to make him want to leave... maybe he did something to make her kick him out… I couldn’t tell because I haven’t seen my dad in eleven years. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking on these theories. I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of it. I just wish that I had a dad who’s there and understands. I also wish I had a mom that would never hate me or hurt me... It’s not a lot to ask for in terms of parents that’ll never hate you or hurt you… right? In my case it feels like it’s asking for the impossible. It’s hard to ask at all when you have no hope…

It’s noon again. The thoughts about Allison are stirring up once more. I wonder how angry she was last night when I didn’t show up. I wonder how infuriated she’ll be when I never come home. Thank God I’ll never be around to hear it. “Joslin how could you sacrifice my career like that!” She’d say. “You almost killed us! You know how they expect you, how they want you! How the hell could you disappoint them!!” She would rant on about how she doesn’t care why I was gone, but that I HAD to be there to get her some more money for booze and for drugs. Yeah… like selling yourself into prostitution isn’t enough… but that you have to force your nine year old daughter into her room with a man she’s never known so that they can do as they please with her, and oh go ahead and keep it up for seven years! Allison said that they loved me especially because I put up a fight, and they’ve never had anyone like me. Like a 9 year old girl screaming and crying and terrified! The damn perverts! Allison is a sick, sick, sad bitch. I want her to rot in jail for all I care. Maybe I could send her in two years when I’m 18… when I won’t have to worry about foster homes. There’s only one thing I can do right now, and I’m doing it. I have to run.

It’s about 8:34 pm now. I made another nest. I can’t eat dinner tonight, not if I’m going to make myself last alone. I have to spend my money wisely. My stomach is aching and hollow right now, or at least, it feels that way. I’m so exhausted from just today just walking and thinking. I think I’m going to… I’m going to sleep now, good night.

Mom.. mom..? Where are you? I don’t see you. Dad..? Dad! I missed you so much! There’s so much I have to tell you I- wait… what? No! Don’t leave. Dad.. Dad don’t leave! DAD!!
It’s only 10:13… Short dream… uhm… yeah… I think I’ll try to sleep again…