She Will Be Loved

Food! I got HOMEMADE FOOD this morning! I woke up and came downstairs and Erik made waffles. It made me smile, as usual. Everything made me smile lately. He thinks pancakes are nothing compared to waffles. Finally! Someone who agrees. It’s like we’re twins. Ha. That’d be something.
“For the new member of the household.” He said as he smiled and put the waffles on two plates. We ate in the dining room. His house is so big! It’s huge! He even has a sitting room for reading, writing, drawing, anything almost! His back yard is huge too. We’re like, in the middle of nowhere. Which is really strange for California. I love his house.
“Temporary member of the household, mind you.” I corrected.
“Yeah yeah, technical shit.”
We talked all morning. We laughed and joked and to my surprise, he has a good sense of humor, although he seems shy sometimes. He flips his bangs out of his eyes a lot, so I’m forced to see his big brown eyes. I like Erik. He’s interesting.
“How did you even get this house?”
“Long story, for another time. But if you don’t mind me asking, what’s the deal with your parents?” My heart dropped and I felt my stomach twisting. Yay… that subject again.
“I’d rather not talk about it. Ever.” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” He was quick to understand where I was coming from, I liked that. “What’s that?” Erik asked casually.
“What’s what?” I replied taking the last bite of my last waffle, and swallowing.
“Below your eye. A purple smudge.” My heart sank even further into my chest. I pulled my chair out from the table. “Is that a bruise?”
I jumped out of my seat and ran to the room I’ve been using.
“Joslin.” He called calmly from the bottom of the stairs. I tore through my bag and found my cover up and ran past the stairs and into the bathroom.
“Joslin are you okay?” I saw Erik in the mirror I was using. He was standing in the doorway.
“Uhm, I, yeah I’m fine.” I smeared the cover up over the bruise, I saw him in the mirror again. He looked so sad, or scared, or both. “Erik, I think maybe I should go.”
“What?” His voice was starting to sound a little shaky.
“I’m saying give up the charity case.” This was killing me. I had another episode coming on, and I couldn’t stop it. “I’ve always been lost. I’ve seriously disappointed people. I don’t want you to be one of them. I have moments where I can’t stop myself from panicking and freaking out, I don’t want you to see me like that, I don’t want you to know me as the broken girl, I want you to remember me while I’m happy and normal-ish. Please just, I’m doing this for you.” I pushed past him and walked back to the room I use. I shoved my cover up in my bag (that was still packed). He trailed after me stunned.
Before he could say another word, I flew down the stairs and to the door. I took one last glance before I opened the front door. I saw Erik at the top of the staircase, watching after me. He looked like he was going to cry, but I don’t get why. Seeing him like that cut me so deep that I felt like dying, and I don’t think I was helping him at that moment. But I bolted out that door, it would help him eventually, right? As soon as the door slammed I ran off and burst into tears. So much for cover up.
I don’t know how, but with blurry eyes, pain so deep in my heart, and apparently legs that can run very, very fast (even though I don’t even know where I’m going) I made it to civilization. I looked around with less blurry eyes than before. I was at yet another gas station in between Huntington and Torance. What the hell is my issue with gas stations?
I kept hoping he would come after me, that he would show up and stop my episode and tell me to suck it up and that I was going to come back to his house and sleep it off.
I want Erik to remember me as normal, not broken. I always end up driving people away, so many times, by just being me. I don’t want Erik to be one of them. I’m sure that I ended up erasing my normal image when I slammed the door on him.
And partly, I didn’t want him to have the chance to hurt me. And that was really selfish of me, but I keep feeling like I just don’t deserve anymore shit. From anyone. I didn’t want to get hurt again, but I don’t think he would. So why did I leave?
There was no trash here, no dumpster. So I sat on the cracked gravel, bent my head down, and cried. I clutched my head as I thought about Erik. I can’t believe that I already lost him.
As I started to calm down, I began to think much more rationally. I made a mistake. I misjudged his intentions, and him in general. I pushed away a person who had done nothing wrong, who was helping me and letting me stay in his house for free.
“Hey.” I thought I was imagining it, but I heard his voice. I looked up and saw him standing right in front of me. I wanted to jump up and hug him so bad, to say, “You came for me!” But I didn’t, because that’s weird. I stayed sitting.
“Hey.” I repeated back.
“Why’d you leave?” He looked like he had been crying, hard.
“I told you.”
“The real reason.” Erik’s brown eyes were blood shot and pleading.
“I didn’t want to hurt you the way I hurt myself.. Honestly. And I didn’t want you to get to know me, and hate me, and push me away.” I could feel my face heating up, and I felt my eyes starting to burn. No. No. Don’t cry. “So I pushed you away.”
“Is that what you thought?” I nodded looking down. He chuckled.
“What?” I was a little irritated. He sat down next to me.
“Joslin. I care about you, a lot. I want you around. You have a good taste in music, you’re funny, you aren’t all girly when it comes to doing weird things.”
“Like sleeping in garbage.” I interrupted.
“Exactly. Joslin. I understand you feel like you should be quiet and not do anything. I understand you feel like you should be someone you aren’t. I understand that you feel terrible and like all you do is cause pain and suffering, but Joslin come on! You don’t EVER have to feel like that. You will never have to be anything around me, okay? You will never have to feel like a nuisance, because I am friends with the strangest people ever and I’m probably the most annoying of them all.” He looked into my eyes, his were still blood shot. I felt like I had been so stupid. “You’re never going to be alone. I’m always here.”
I started to cry again. I didn’t say anything. I just threw my arms around his neck in a hug. Erik held me and didn’t let go. I did the same. You’re my only friend. I thought to myself. I wanted to say it out loud, but I kept it to myself.
“You really wanna deal with this happening every other week?”
“Come on. Let’s go home.” I smiled. Home… I had never thought of it that way. That’s what it was, it was home. I was going home.