For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry

After my perfect day with Harry and the rest of the guys I was convinced I was dreaming. Harry came to rest me everyday for the next week. Sometimes it was only for an hour or two but I didn’t mind. Spending time with him made me better. I was still weak and nausea most of the time, but I had managed to keep food down for a week straight. Even though I didn’t have the heart to tell harry, our relationship was a love hate one for sure. I loved spending time with him and the guys and the way that he made me feel but I hated myself for falling for him. How could I have been so stupid and inconsiderate? My life had an expiration date and I had made a promise to stay out of as many peoples lives as possible to avoid hurting them. Now here I am counting down the minutes until Harry shows up. How long was I going to go along with this? My thoughts were interrupted when one of my doctors I rarely ever see, walked in. This was never a good sign.

“The nurses have been buzzing about you for weeks. I heard you’ve been feeling better,” I couldn’t help but notice his fake smile.

“Yeah actually, I’ve had some good distractions lately.”

“So I’ve heard. I just want to make sure you remember what we talked about. I fear the date is approaching faster than we anticipated and well…” He took a deep breath. “We just don’t want you to get your hopes up, or his for that matter, he’s a very generous donor here Quinn.”

I didn’t say anything for awhile. His words stabbed me repeatedly in the gut. I found my fingers making their way to my forearm and giving it a quick pinch. Nothing, I wasn’t waking up. This is really happening. I closed my eyes and shook my head viciously.

“I wasn’t aware that my personal life was any of your business. And as far as my expiration date you’re referring to, you wouldn’t know anything about it. You’re lucky I’m so good with faces ‘cause we’ve only met once if you remember. You’re not my doctor so I’d like it if you left now.” I pressed the nurses button seven times before she came rushing in.

Before she could say anything I loudly said, “Cher, make him leave now I’m going to be sick.”

I didn’t wait to watch him leave. I got up and rushed into the bathroom. My knees gave out before I reached the toilet so I crawled the last couple of steps. I hunched over the toilet and out came everything. There wasn’t anything I hated more then throwing up. I’m not sure if I started to cry because I was puking or because I was upset but I did. I could only imagine how ugly this looked right now, throwing up and hysterically crying at the same time. I heard light footsteps walk into my bathroom. Their fingertips lightly grazed my back and picked up my unruly hair. I sat there for awhile, hunched over and crying. I assumed one of the nurses were behind me so I didn’t hold anything back. They passed me a cup of mouth wash that I graciously accepted. After I spat it out in the toilet I felt their strong arms lift me up and that’s when I realized. I turned around and Harry’s flawless face was standing there. I was angry and embarrassed and I stormed my way out of the bathroom towards my bed and of course, I didn’t make it. I tripped over my slow feet and he rushed to help me back up. I pushed him away and backed myself into a corner.

“Stop Harry, I can’t do this anymore. You shouldn’t be here.” I cried between every word.

“You don’t mean that. I know you’re just upset but I don’t care about that stuff. I want to help you, just let me.” His voice was calm which made things worse.

“You don’t get it! I’m dying! My hairs falling out, I’m gonna be bald soon, I’m throwing up again and things are just going to get worse. We were both stupid to think that you and the guys were making me better. I can’t keep getting closer to you, it’s not fair.” I felt guilty for yelling at him, this wasn’t his fault.

He got closer to me, “You don’t think I don’t know that. Why do you think I acted that way when we first met?” He was yelling back to me. “But I don’t care. I just don’t. I can’t cure cancer but that’s not gonna stop me from trying to take the pain away.”

We were both crying when his large hand make its way to my cheek. His thumb pushed back my tears. Our foreheads were touching, we stared into each others eyes and I collapsed into his chest. He picked me up and made our way to the bed. We lied there together crying until we fell asleep.

_____________________________________________________________________

“Sweetheart, it’s time to wake up. It’s time for treatment.” One of nurses said.

I groaned at the thought of moving, our bodies fit perfectly. Almost as if Harry read my mind he picked up my frail body and carried me to treatment. I didn’t let anyone stay with me for treatment but I was willing to make an exception.

While I was being hooked up to everything he spoke quietly. “You know I’ll still think you’re beautiful even if you loose your hair.”

I smiled at his comment. “I wish I could say the same thing about you…”

We both laughed and that’s when I knew. I leaned in and whispered to Cheri. She smiled at me and shook her had approvingly.

“What was that about?” Harry asked.

“You’ll see.” I smiled at him.

Staying for treatment meant he was going to see me at my lowest. He handled it better than most patients did. He got me water when I was thirty, blankets when I was cold, took off blankets when I was hot, made me laugh when the pain would make me cry, held my hand through the whole thing and even carried me back to the room.

“The bathroom Harry,” I spoke quietly

He set me down and went to walk out. I grabbed his hand and he walked in. On the counter were scissors and a black electric razor.

“Sit,” I motioned him towards the toilet. He took out his phone and watched me intently.

I tied my hair in a low ponytail and cut off as much as possible. I decided a long time ago I was going to donate my hair so I could have a wig made for Dani and Hailey. I placed it next to the sink and plugged in the razor. I looked at Harry who had his phone propped up and watching my every move.

“Are you taking a picture of me?” I asked

“No, just keep going trust me you’ll want to see this.” He had a smile plastered on his face.
“And what if I don’t?” I couldn’t help but give him a hard time.

“Well I want it, so just keep going.”

I held the razor in my hand and just looked at it for a while. I took a deep breath and turn it on. The blades made its way to my head. My hand shook, but I ignored it and swept a line down my head. I looked at Harry, tears had filled his eyes by this point. I continued until it was all gone. My beautiful dark brown hair was gone and I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad, so I cried lightly instead. Harry made his was to me and we stood in front of the mirror while he filmed us both. He turned to me with tears running down his cheeks. He placed a soft kiss on the top of my bare head.

“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered to me.

Before I answered he removed the space between our lips. My eyes closed with the contact of his soft lips and acceptingly I kissed him back. He pulled away and smiled.

“I told you you’d want this on camera,” he said biting his lip.