For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry

I slowly opened my heavy eyes. I woke up and found myself drenched in a cold sweat. I could feel the fluid building up in the back of my throat. I threw myself over the side of the bed landing hard on the cold floor. I struggled to find the trash can just making my way to it with seconds to spare. All the contents from my stomach poured out of me in the matter of minutes. I pushed the trash can to the side and lied on the ground, letting the bacteria ridden hospital floor support my limp body.

“Quinn? Oh love, are you okay? You poor thing. Hold on baby.” Harry leaned over the side before jumping out of bed. He called for a nurse and quickly got a moist towel and water, this was routine for Harry and I by now. The hospital agreed to bring in an extra bed for Harry to sleep in until he left for tour.

He slid an arm under my thighs and behind the crook of my neck. He gently lifted me up and placed my on my bed. The nurse was on the other side shoving a thermometer into my mouth, 102.5. I mentally cursed myself over and over. I needed today to be perfect, Harry’s leaving tomorrow.

I lied there watching the nurse’s mouth move but I couldn’t bring myself to listen. I felt so guilty, I was going to ruin this day for us. She handed me a toothbrush and mouth wash. She left after refilling my IVs and placing some ice packs around my body. Harry stood there holding my hand rubbing his soft thumb over my knuckles. The looked on his face stabbed me repeatedly in the heart.

“Harry, I’m so sorry…” I whispered fighting to keep my eyes open.

“Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry about. This isn’t your fault okay Quinn?” He spoke quietly while caressing my face.

I nodded acceptingly while fighting back tears. Harry swiftly shifted my body over making enough room for the two of us. I subconsciously molded myself to his shape while his fingertips barely rubbed my exposed scalp.

“I’m scared to leave you love.” He said weakly.

“When I was first diagnosed I accepted that this would most likely kill me. I was never really scared of dying, but I’m scared now.” I could feel the tears forming. “I’m terrified to die Harry. I don’t want to leave you, I’m not ready. There’s still so much we haven’t experienced. This isn’t fair to you.” Heavy sobs escaped my mouth. Harry’s tear fell consistently on the top of my head before he gently tilted my chin up.

“We’re going to experience those things together Quinn. I promise you that. I know that’s a huge thing to promise but I am anyways. I just need you to be strong like I know you are. If you do that until I come back I promise you we’ll experience all those things.” He kissed my forehead eagerly.

“You’re going to come see us sing live and I’m going to bring you on stage and sing to you in front of everyone. Your mine and everyone’s going to know that. I’m going to spoil you rotten with compliments and pointless knickknacks. You’re going to meet my mum Quinn, and she’s going to love you. My whole family actually and they’ll all love you. We’ll go to the beach and skiing. I’m going to take you to see Ed Sheeran and any other concert. But most importantly Quinn I’m going to love you. I will love you unconditionally every second of everyday. I’m going to kiss you so much our lips will swell. I’ll sing you to sleep every night while my arms are wrapped tightly around you, and eventually I want to make sweet love to you. I’ll never let you hurt again.”

I completely lost it. I wasn’t just crying by now, I was ugly crying, heavy tears, loud sobs and even the hiccups.

We were both too lost in our emotions to say anything else. So instead our lips instinctively found each others. He didn’t waste time; his tongue immediately entered my mouth. His tongue explored every inch of my mouth. I found myself needing more. My lips made their way down just below his ear, to his rugged jaw line, leaving a long line of kisses down his neck and stopping just at his collarbones. Those collarbones drove me crazy every damn day. I sucked lightly on them, before giving them a quick bite, making sure I left my mark. Harry released a soft groan in my ear that sent shivers down my spine. Our lips met again and the contact made my toes curl. Harry sucked hard on my bottom lip. I let out a soft moan before I pulled away.

“I love you Harry,” I said before kissing him again.

“I,” kiss. “Love,” kiss. “You,” kiss. “Too,” kiss.

I kissed him long and hard before pulling away. “I want more Harry,” my voice was husky. “So much more but I don’t think I can.”

He pecked my lips quickly, “I know.”

I groaned in anticipation before flopping back onto the bed. Harry followed suit and we lied there while I told Harry everything I’d miss while he was gone. We planned what we’d do when he got back and what days and time he’d call.

We stayed like that until it was time to say goodbye. Harry stood up and put on his black double breasted pea coat. I stood up wrapping my hands around his neck and burying my face in his chest. I inhaled deeply taking in his scent for the last time. I stood back and stared deeply into his eyes. I needed to remember all this. His voice was the only thing I’d have while he was gone so I made a mental note of everything. I memorized his beautiful green eyes, where each ringlet fell imperfectly on the top of his head, the taste of his lips, how soft his rough hands were, his cheeky grin and the way all his cloths fell perfectly on him.

He stepped towards me grabbing the back of my neck and pulling me into a tender kiss. His beautiful eyes started to well up as he looked back at me. I quickly brushed them away hoping to avoid crying. I knew how hard this was going to be on Harry and I promised myself I’d make it as easy for him as possible. We hugged again while he quietly sang in my ear.

“Your skin, yeah, your skin and bones turn into something beautiful. Do you know? For you I’d bleed myself dry.”

I placed one last kiss on his cheek, “I love you.”

“I love you Quinn. Stay strong.” He kissed the top of my bald head and walked out of my hospital room. I fell on the bed almost immediately and cried into my pillow that smelled like Harry.

He was gone for an hour and twenty seven minutes before I threw up again. I sat there hunched over the toilet alone without Harry for the first time in five weeks. I finally realized how hard this was going to be.

“Forty nine days” I said while flushing the toilet.