For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry

I reached up connecting my fingers with a bloody gash on my forehead. Nurses surrounded me by now, yelling nonsense and holding me down. One the male nurses picked me up and carried me up the stairs. Feeling his strong arms around me sent memories of Harry flooding into my brain, I finally let myself cry now. He placed me a wheel chair, I cried, they took me to clean up my cut, I still cried. I didn’t say a word to anyone, so they put my in my room and I cuddled up with my pillow the smelt of Harry. I wept like a baby, I let out every pent up emotion I’d ever had, leukemia, Harry, Hailey, and my throbbing headache.

The phone started to ring.

I started at it a bit, debating on whether or not I should answer it. Should I tell him Hailey died? Do I tell him about my mental breakdown? I grabbed the phone

“Hello?” I put on my best ‘I just woke up voice.’

“Hey bird. Did I wake you?” his voice was concerned.

“No. It’s fine. I-I’m a- glad you called. I needed to hear your voice.” Technically I wasn’t lying. I couldn’t ruin his mood before a concert.

“Aw, you poor thing. Well I miss you too. I don’t have much time, we were stacked with interviews, I just thought I’d check up.”

Shit. He’s perfect. “Harry, can you sing me to sleep?” I asked sheepishly.

“There you were in your black dress moving slow to the sadness.
I could watch you dance for hours. I could take you by my side.
Fire, burning me up. Desire, taking me so much higher and leading me.
Fire turning me on. Desire taking me so much higher and leading home.”

The tears ran heavily down my cheeks as he sang the song in a hushed tone. His voice hit every note, giving the song much justice. “I love you. Good luck,” was all I could manage to get out.

“I love you Q. I’ll call you after love.” Is voice was skeptic.

I hung up the phone and continued to cry into my pillow. I stayed awake and eagerly waited to hear from Harry. He was the best distraction from my disastrous thoughts.

Another knock came to my door but I couldn’t find the strength to turn around. I felt the bend sink next to me and tiny hands wrapped around my body. I knew it was Dani. I didn’t both questioning how she got up here, I just held her tight against my chest as we both cried. I rubbed her clammy head as I rocked both of our bodies back and forth. My chest was drenched in a mixture of both of our tears by the time Dani fell asleep. The phone only rang once before I plunged to answer it.

“Hello?” I whispered.

“I can barely hear you love is everything okay?” Harry yelled on the other side.

“Yeah-uh-hold on, real quick.” I set the receiver on the night stand and slid out of Dani’s tiny grip. I made my way to the chair and dragged the phone and cords to the corner with me.

“Okay, I’m back,” I was still quite.

“I can tell something’s wrong Quinn. Please just tell me.”

I didn’t say anything. Not because I didn’t want to but because when I opened my mouth a started crying again.

“Quinn please. Don’t make me call Cheri, I want to hear it from you.” I could tell he was worried.

I pushed the phone closer to my face and began twirling the cord with my finger. “Hailey,” I sniffled. “She died today Harry” I quieted my sobs to hear his response.

“Oh god baby. I- I’m so sorry. I don’t know…” I cut him off

“I didn’t know what to do when they told me. I ripped out the IVs and started running. I don’t know where I was going Harry. But I ran and I went down the stairs and I was doing fine but I lost control and I fell. I only hit my head a bit and I’m fine really.” I spoke nervously.

“What do you mean just a little bit are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?” he voice got quiet.

“It’s just a scratch Harry. I’m fine.” I lied.

“FUCK!” he yelled. I was scared, I’ve never heard Harry like that.

“This is my fault. I should be with you Quinn. I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked.

“No stop that. None of this is your fault baby. I didn’t want to tell you. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to lie but I don’t want you to worry. You have to promise me something Harry.”
His small sniffles filled the line.

“You listen to me. Absolutely nothing that happens to me is or will ever be your fault you got that? I never want to hear you blame yourself. If anything you’re the reason I’m still here and you’re gonna be the reason I get better. Now promise me Harry.”

“I promise.” He barely spoke.

“I love you and you’re the reason I’m gonna keep fighting. We’re gonna do this together until the second you want out. Okay?”

“Don’t say that Quinn. I’m not going anywhere I promise.” His words triggered my ugly crying. “I’m coming to see you, I have to. The guys will understand”

“That can’t happen Harry. You can’t just leave. I need to take care of Dani and focus on getting a donor. I’ll tell you how shitty I’m feeling from now on, just stay with guys. I’ll figure something out.” I pleaded.

“If I promise not to blame myself you have to promise you’ll tell me the second you can’t handle it anymore okay?” he negotiated.

“Only if you’ll sing to me.”

My response made him chuckle before he responded. “Anything for you Q.”

I tilted my head back and closed my eyes as I waited for him to sing.

“But if I kiss you will your mouth read this truth,
Darling how I miss you, strawberries taste how lips do.
And its not complete yet, mustn't get our feet wet, ‘Cause that leads to regret, diving in too soon.
And I'll owe it all to you, oh, my little bird”

It’s been a week and a half since Hailey passed. Dani’s made some new friends and is slowly getting better. Hailey’s my constant reminder to fight. I’ll be damned if anything’s gonna take me away from Harry.

Harry and I talk as much as his busy schedule allow. I didn’t talk to him for two days straight once, and that was when I went in for surgery. I made the executive decision to not tell Harry. I didn’t want to get his hopes up if it didn’t work. Surgery was absolute hell but all I had to do was wait two weeks, two weeks and I’d know.

Not telling Harry was just as rough as the surgery, if not worse. I made everyone in the hospital that would talk to Harry regularly promise they wouldn’t say anything.

Now I waited.

“You owe me this. Please.” I begged.

It was only five days after the test and I couldn’t wait any longer. I made an appointment with both of my doctors, which only worried them.

“We’re not sure what you’re asking Quinn.” Dr. Anderson said.

“I can’t wait any longer. We all know what’s going to happen if the transplant doesn’t work and I can’t wait that long to find out. I’m asking you to clear me so I can go to the states. You both know why, and you might not agree with it or you think it’s stupid but I just don’t give a damn. The longer I wait the less time I could have.” I fought back the tears. Harry had no clue any of this was going on. I needed to do this and surprise him.

They both stared at each other blankly before asking me to give them time. I slowly stood up and pushed my IVs out the door. I walked a couple of laps before going back to my room. As I slowly shuffled to my room I found both my parents in my room, my mom was crying while my dad was gathering my things. I stopped dead in my tracks.

“They cleared you baby girl.” My mom said going in for a hug.

I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around her. I wasn’t going to let this keep me from Harry any longer.