Rainbow Injection

"Nah, the heroin needs to be heated just before injection, so I don't think we should do it now," Frank shrugged. "But I have to check..." He patted his chest in search of the syringe. "Man, do I have two syringes? I should, I don't wanna die of some nasty disease," he murmured, finally pulling out a disposable syringe. The needle was wrapped in a tissue. He put it aside and continued his search. He still had a few pockets to check. Gerard, fascinated with the object, picked it up from the bed and examined the slightly sticky syringe.

"Why do you even have it? You're not doing heroin, are you?" Gerard asked.

Gerard thought that if he owned the thing and had heroin, the temptation would be too great to resist. He remembered how earlier Frank told him that he was awesome and felt the need to point out that it was the other way around, even if Frank was high and didn't mean it.

"It's for my pupils," Frank explained. "Sometimes they're just shaking too much to do the injection themselves, so I help them. I also tend to like..." Frank paused and with a triumphant smile he pulled out the second syringe, followed by the third. "...collect them, sterilize them at home and give them back. I really hope they won't get AIDS when I'm gone." He sighed and snatched the first syringe out of Gerard's hand. He examined the three of them and put one back in his pocket. The remaining were left on the bed. "Shit, tomorrow I was supposed to take Johnny's and Pamela's. I wish I did it today, because Johnny always shares the damn thing with everyone and then maybe he'd have a new one for a while at least," Frank said, genuinely saddened because of some junkie's well-being. Once again Gerard was so impressed by everything Frankie did, despite being a drug addict himself.

"Frankie, you're too good for those kids," Gerard smiled sadly at him and petted his hair. "You deserved better."

"Everyone did," Frank stated, back to being apathetic. "No one deserves being addicted to drugs and half of the other shit they experience. But it's inevitable in our society. Some people aren’t as strong as others, or are having a struggle or are just curious and they all try drugs.” Frank sighed and rubbed his hand against his forehead. “I seriously have no patience or sympathy for the kids that are just curious. They piss me off.” Gerard noticed that Frank was speaking faster now, he was getting annoyed at no one in particular. “I know it’s pretty hypocritical of me, because that’s the reason I started taking stuff. But they’re willingly ruining their lives! And the kids that are already fucked up, that’s another story. If it shows, and it usually does when you’re looking for it, I try to discourage the troubled ones. I tell them not to do it.” He ran his hand over his face slowly. “I still sell if they’re persistent, but sometimes I manage to convince them that it’s gonna be okay. That the drugs don’t help, but make it worse.” Frank smirked viciously. “I have no problems selling to those curious kids. They’re stupid, I was stupid. I think that I’m taking revenge on my metaphorical self,” Frank mused. “And they probably don’t deserve my anger then.” He looked up briefly at Gerard, but it was enough for the man to catch a glimpse of his glossy eyes, before Frank’s gaze fixated on the ceiling. He was hoping that the tears would sink back in. “Maybe I deserve it after all,” he said after he felt that his throat relaxed, so that his voice sounded normal. He could see Gerard getting teary-eyed himself upon hearing the words.

“Don’t say that!” Gerard exclaimed and it came out kind of strangled. He just didn’t agree with Frank, no one could say hurtful things about him, even Frank himself. This just wasn’t right, because to Gerard the man was still beautiful. “How many times have I said that you’re better than that?!” he whined. The emotions were getting the better of him and he needed Frank to understand his point of view. He just was not like anyone else Gerard had met before. He was the kind of person that would have held potential to change Gerard’s life if he hadn’t been practically dying.

“But I’m really not! What’s the difference, huh?” Frank raised his voice, challenging Gerard to answer him.

“Well...” Gerard paused to think. When he inhaled loudly, Frank grinned, convinced that Gerard didn’t have anything to say, but Gerard already had an idea forming in his mind “How about the way you treat your pupils? I’m sure the other dealers don’t give a fuck about their clients as long as they have money.” Gerard had the sudden urge to grab Frank’s chin and make him look at him. He had to know that the man was listening to him “You aren’t like that. You’re cleaning their syringes, refusing to sell drugs and trying to tell them that it doesn’t help... I’m sure that if you had time you’d knit them sweaters and gloves so that they wouldn’t get cold!” Gerard’s fingers twitched to make Frank look at him. “You’re better than the others. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It doesn’t matter if you’re a dealer, because you’re still doing everything you can to help. Maybe if it wasn’t for you, your pupils would have been dead ages ago. Maybe a lot of lives would be ruined, because there would be no one to tell them that drugs don’t make it better.” Gerard reached out towards Frank’s face. “Frankie,” he tried again, but the man was stubborn and refused to meet Gerard’s gaze. “Gosh,” Gerard scoffed and grabbed Frank’s chin, making him finally look at him. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked pretty annoyed with Gerard’s words. The truth was, Frank felt that the man was right and he didn’t like it. “You’re one of a kind.”

Gerard’s hand slipped from Frank’s chin, resting gently on the side of his neck. It was an awkward gesture, that made Frank realise that maybe Gerard wanted to...keep touching his skin? That sounded terrible in his mind, as if Gerard was an old pervert. But it was also flattering, because Frank found Gerard attractive. It didn’t repulse him, on the contrary it made him want to go further. But even though Gerard may not have meant it romantically or sexualy, it didn’t matter to Frank. He kept to his opinion that everything he did now wouldn't be important anyway, though he couldn’t make a move, not yet. It always took a lot of courage, “what if’s” and the fear of rejection wasn’t much lesser than it’d be in a normal situation. So Frank wondered how it would be to lean into the man’s touch and press their lips together. He wondered how Gerard would taste and if his lips were soft. And he wanted it to happen more and more, but then Gerard’s hand was slipping from his neck and he was pulling away. He brushed Frank’s chest lightly, just the tiniest of touch and it made him shiver. So maybe Gerard really was interested in taking this places, but first they both needed to replay that scene in their minds hundreds of times to be fully convinced that the other meant it. It’d take a genius to misinterpret Gerard’s gesture, so Frank was convinced he wouldn’t be rejected if he made a move. Gerard, on the contrary, was worried. Frank didn’t shy away when he touched him, but he also didn’t give him any signs that he enjoyed it. He might have just not wanted to sadden him, though he admitted that he’d date Gerard and that he was good looking. Maybe Frank wouldn’t mind if he made a move. He missed being kissed...

Engrossed in their thoughts, none of them took advantage of the situation. The silence began to get awkward and they could feel the other’s burning gazes on themselves. Frank remembered that Gerard was probably waiting for some kind of answer to his speech and he struggled to remember his words, because all he could concentrate on was the moment their skin touched. It wasn’t like in the park when they shook hands. The difference was that they were now attracted to each other.

“Okay,” Frank said slowly, breaking the silence, “okay, so maybe you’re a bit right.” He laid down on the bed, his body sinking into the mattress and making him let out a pleased sigh. He could feel Gerard looking at him, but he avoided making eye contact. He was hoping the man would take the hint and drop it.

“This bed is the best, isn’t it?” Gerard finally murmured as he laid down beside Frank. “Really, I’d steal it for myself and spend the rest of my life in it.”

“Mhm,” Frank hummed in affirmation. He was staring at the ceiling, which was white, stainless and provided no entertainment.

Gerard rolled up his sleeve and examined his veins. The two men were just laying there for a while, their thoughts about nothing in particular, interspersed with the ones about each other’s physical features and words they said. They could hear people outside - singing, shouting, celebrating, already pretty drunk. It was getting late, but they still had a lot of time. Gerard’s leg twitched and the sudden movement caused Frank to focus on the man. He noticed that his lips were pursed and he was frowning, looking at his arm.

“Is something wrong?” Frank asked immediately, rolling on his stomach so that he could see the man better.

“It’s just... I’m thinking about... you know,” Gerard stumbled over his words. Frank nodded. “And, I know it’s a stupid question, but does it hurt?”

Frank’s brows furrowed.

“How would I know if dying hurts?” he asked slowly, looking at Gerard as if he was insane. Gerard looked up at him and ran his hand over his face.

“I wasn’t asking about it, but about injecting drugs!” He smiled briefly, but genuinely. “Call me a pansy, but I’m a bit scared of needles.”

Frank could feel his eyes widen.

“I wouldn’t call you that!” he assured him. “Actually, I think it’s the other way around, because you’re still doing it, even though you’re scared.” Frank looked at Gerard’s face, searching it for any signs of doubts or second thoughts, but he didn’t find it. “You’re still doing it, right?”

“Of course!” Gerard felt insulted by Frank’s assumption. He REALLY was dead-set on it, yet when he let his mind wander, he couldn’t help but think about the unpleasant aspects of the suicide he’d chosen “Who do you take me for?” Frank just smiled sheepishly. Gerard sighed before asking again, “But does it?”

“Uhm...” Frank ran his tongue over his lips absentmindedly, thinking about the best way to phrase the answer. “I’ve done it only a few times and it wasn’t exactly pleasant, but I guess that I didn’t care about the pain then.” He shrugged. “When you know what feeling is following the injection, then that part doesn’t matter, trust me. Though it hurts, but not more than a shot and it’s just a few seconds.” He smiled and caressed Gerard’s forearm affectionately. “It’s going to be alright.”

Gerard chuckled at Frank's words and checked the time. "It's a quarter to ten," he stated. "Shouldn't we be getting ready already?" Gerard quirked an eyebrow at Frank. He knew that they still had a lot of time, but he wanted everything to be timed perfectly, so that on midnight they’d be able to just push a plunger and be done with it.

"Yeah, we could," Frank agreed. He smiled and sat up. "I'll get up and clean syringes."

"Okay", Gerard nodded and it motivated Frank to swing his legs off the bed and stand up.

He took the syringes and headed towards the bathroom. He filled the sink with hot water and put them in it. Frank filled the syringes with the liquid and tried to push it through the needles, cleaning them off of every bit of dried blood or excess drugs that were stuck inside. If it was for him, or even for his pupils, he wouldn’t do it so thoroughly, but knowing that Gerard was afraid of them, he wanted to make the experience as painless as possible. If the needle was blocked, the injection was harder to do and took way more time. When he’d made sure that the syringes were clean, he put them on a shelf above the sink to let them dry up. Then all of his stuff joined them. Packed in neat baggies they made an impressing little stack. Finally, Frank put the tiny packages of cigarette paper, containing heroin, on the top and went back to the room. Now that his coat was no longer in need to be looked after, he threw it carelessly on the floor beside the bed.

“You can’t leave your coat here!” Gerard hissed when he heard a thud. “Put it somewhere where you can’t see it.” The coat was just a dirty piece of fabric and Gerard definitely didn’t want it to be laying around, destroying his perfect vision.

“You care about the appearance way too much,” Frank grumbled, but kicked his coat under the bed, where it was hidden by long sheets.

“Well, what else can I care about now?” Gerard answered bitterly, before patting the mattress beside him. Frank understood the gesture and got on the bed. He sat cross-legged, facing Gerard’s torso.

“Well,” Frank mocked his tone, “maybe if you didn’t, someone would notice how sad you really are and help you.”

"Or not," Gerard shrugged. "Not everyone is like you, Frank." Frank's name rolled off of his tongue naturally, as if he'd said it many times before. It was partly true, because in his mind he had. He couldn't stop thinking about Frank, who took his name as an invitation to lean in a bit. "Not everyone would want to help someone like me and get nothing in exchange..."

"I'm not as altruistic as you think I am," Frank disagreed. "You had a lot to offer. You had advice and encouragement. I'd never think of suicide as a way out and you really helped me! I just sold you drugs. I don't know if it can even be considered help," Frank said quietly. "You could find another dealer and he'd do it, too."

Gerard was slowly getting annoyed with Frank again.

"But it was you," he said, sitting up so that he was facing Frank and they both eyed each other angrily. "May I be the judge of whether you helped me out or not?" he asked. There was something about him that made him passionate even when they were arguing over almost the same thing again, that made him want to lean in, silence the man somehow, because he was wrong, yet he believed in everything he said, every damn word.

"But you're just not right!" Frank cried out. “You’re better and you can't deny it, I'm not listening!" Frank made a show of covering his ears with his palms, which Gerard found strangely cute yet extremely annoying.

"Frank," he warned, but the man pretended he didn't hear it. Gerard felt sudden urge to punch him, but instead he grabbed Frank's hands and pulled them away from his ears.

"What are you doing?!" he shouted, trying desperately to free himself, but Gerard wouldn’t loosen his grip. Frank was really weak and had no chances of winning this battle from the beginning. Gerard lowered their hands to the bed and opened his mouth to say that FRANK was wrong, but the man lunged at him, catching him off guard. He let himself be pushed on his back with a squeak, because he was sitting near the edge of the bed and now his shoulders and head were in the air, with nothing to support him. Frank took advantage of it and he managed to free his hands. He moved to sit on Gerard's hips, very pleased with the outcome of the situation.

"Wanna say something now?" he asked smugly. He managed to notice Gerard's palms curling around bed sheets before his world went flying when Gerard flipped him over. His head was spinning, heart racing when he hit the mattress and he held tight to something, which happened to be Gerard’s shoulders. "Get off!" he demanded immediately when he regained his senses and let go of Gerard.

"No! I want you to listen to me!" Gerard retorted. Frank thrashed under him. "I wouldn't have gotten here if it wasn't for you!" he continued, raising his voice. Frank started to scream to drown out Gerard's voice. Someone would think he was being brutally murdered judging by the noise. "Hear me out!" Gerard pleaded, trying to cover Frank's mouth at the same time. "You should know what you've done to me".

"Shut up!" Frank cried out, pushing Gerard's chest in attempt to make him get off, but the man didn't budge. Instead he let out a dark chuckle and shifted, so that he was sitting on Frank's belly. He heard him let out a breath quickly, choking on it. "You're gonna strangle me! Get off!" Frank was thrashing under Gerard again, hitting him repeatedly with hands curled tightly in fists, but he was too weak to do any serious damage. "Get off!" With the last yell, he smacked the side of Gerard's neck, who cringed and sat back upright, moving off of Frank’s stomach. Frank stopped moving altogether and Gerard looked down at him with a pleased smile. Frank sent a glare his way. His face was flushed and he was panting heavily. Then he took a deep breath.

"Are you nuts?!" he said as his eyebrows furrowed. "You could have killed me!" His voice was gradually rising in volume as he was getting more and more angry. "Seriously, answer me!" he demanded. His face was back to its natural color and Gerard felt a bit sad because of it. He thought it suited the man. He also wasn't going to answer, because there was nothing to say. Yeah, he got carried away, but he couldn't control it - he just loved seeing Frank in the position they were in, trying to get away. He remembered how his face looked a while ago and caressed his cheek affectionately. Frank, who was in the middle of sputtering angry words in Gerard's direction stopped abruptly.

"What are you doing?" he sighed. He really wanted to stay angry, but the light touch of Gerard's fingertips made it all disappear, sending a pleasurable tingling all over his body, spreading slowly and settling in his toes "Gerard..." he breathed out. He meant it to sound more firm, he was sure he could have done it, but Gerard's hand was still securely against his cheek, his thumb stroking his jaw and it didn't help him concentrate. He couldn't remember the last time he was last treated like that. He was more into rougher physical contact, but now it felt way better. Gerard's eyes were at the side of his neck, but he must have sensed that he was looking at him, because his gaze crawled through Frank's face to his eyes.

"Yes?" Gerard asked calmly. He wanted to grin though, because of the state Frank was in. And he caused that.

"I- Uh... What are you doing?" Frank repeated dumbly, because it apparently was the most he could think of at that moment.

"I don't really know," Gerard chuckled and leaned in so that Frank felt heat radiating off him and his breath on his face. Frank lowered his gaze to Gerard's lips, going slightly cross-eyed, to find them parted a bit, inviting.

"Well, I think you do," Frank answered, this time not failing to sound unphased.

"Well, and what do you say?" Gerard teased, tracing his finger along Frank's bottom lip. He wondered if there was a moment where he'd made a decision to do it - to sit on top of Frank, to tempt him, and he knew the answer was no. Yet Frank seemed to like it and Gerard found himself wanting it..

“Just kiss me already,” Frank answered, getting annoyed with the situation, when they both knew it was inevitable and yanked Gerard down by the front of his dress shirt. The man let out a surprised noise, but complied, eagerly smashing his lips against Frank’s. The first press was rough, their mouths bumping awkwardly, but then Gerard pulled away a bit so that they both had enough space to breathe. Frank squeaked softly, because Gerard's lips were so nice against his. Warm and silky. Suddenly his tongue was peeking from between them, running gently over Frank's bottom lip, then forcing its way inside Frank's mouth. He let Gerard's tongue in and touched it with his own hesitantly. It made Gerard inhale loudly, before pressing harder. His hands tangled in Frank's hair and he forced the man to push his head upwards. Frank whined in surprise, but it wasn't necessarily painful, so he complied.

Frank’s hands, that were resting securely by his sides, moved on their own accord to rest on Gerard's neck, because right then he started dragging his teeth on Frank's tongue and it was so pleasurable that Frank could hardly think. He knew it was easier to arouse him because of the cocaine, but with Gerard, he could feel himself getting half hard. Frank's hands slid down to Gerard's shoulder blades, before lowering to his hips. He shifted under Gerard's body, which was a bit heavy, but welcomed weight on him so that he could slid his leg between Gerard's. When the man realized what Frank was aiming for, his lips froze in shock and anticipation. He wasn’t used to things progressing that fast, but he surely wasn’t complaining. Frank started rubbing his thigh against Gerard’s crotch and took advantage of his distraction and pushed their tongues back into Gerard’s mouth. The man took the hint and began to once again kiss Frank fiercely, pushing his hips forward shamelessly. In the position they were in, Frank’s dick was brushing against Gerard’s leg too, causing some amazing friction. He moaned, his hands pressing Gerard harder into him. Then he grinned when a devilish thought crossed his mind. He let go of Gerard’s hips, which made the man groan in frustration, but soon he shut up and inhaled sharply when Frank grabbed his dick and gave it a firm squeeze. He moaned and pulled away from the kiss, taking in the face of the man laying under him. His lips were slightly swollen and wet, previously chapped, but now slick with saliva. Frank was palming Gerard’s hardening cock, listening to the arousing moans and groans slipping from the man above him. He quickly reached to unbutton the top of Gerard’s shirt before grabbing its hem and pulling it over his head with one hand before he had the time to actually notice.

Gerard whined when Frank detached himself from Gerard’s crotch to run his hands along his torso, sitting up and crashing their lips together again. He started playing with Gerard’s nipple at the same time, rubbing it and pinching. It sent sparks of pleasure straight to Gerard’s dick and he pulled away from the kiss with an apologetic nibble on Frank’s bottom lip. He brought their foreheads together, slightly panting while Frank lowered his hand once again and started unbuckling Gerard’s belt. Then Gerard realized that he was still fully clothed and quickly pulled Frank’s t-shirt off and pushed him back on the bed. He kissed him on the mouth briefly and then traced a line along his jaw with his tongue. Frank managed to unbutton his pants and was sliding them off, when Gerard moved to licking his neck. Frank whined.

“Couldn’t you like...suck?” he whispered and saw Gerard shake his head in response.

“I don’t wanna leave marks,” he answered with a wicked smirk that Frank could feel, pressed against his neck. He pushed into Gerard’s mouth desperately, he was a sucker for it, but the man had none of it. He continued to leave a wet trail down Frank’s body. Frank took that as a good moment to get rid of his pants and unbuttoned them quickly and kicked them off along with his boxers, socks and shoes. His cock was fully hard, even though he hardly got any action, but Gerard looked so damn sexy right now that Frank felt he could come just seeing him glance from under his eyelashes, licking and nipping at his nipples.

He grabbed Gerard by his shoulders, shivering when his tongue abandoned his torso and dipped in his navel, continuing to slowly travel downwards, leaving goosebumps from the cold and excitement on Frank’s skin. Frank pushed him lower in desperation to get him to do something to his painful boner, something involving that magical tongue of his and to his surprise Gerard complied. He detached his mouth for a second, before curling his palm around Frank’s dick, which earned him a loud moan. Then he licked the head and took it in his mouth, wrapping it around him, but letting the saliva drip, before spreading it down Frank’s length with his fist and sucking. Frank choked out an embarrassing squeak and covered his mouth with his hands to stop loud moans from escaping. Gerard looked up at him with mischief in his eyes, before taking Frank in deeper, as far as he can go, sucking one more time and pulling away completely. Frank whined at the loss of contact.

“Why did you stop?” he asked in confusion, reaching to tangle his hands in Gerard’s hair and tried to pull him down again. Gerard only winced.

“‘Cause I can’t ruin my mouth,” he explained and ran his fingers over his lips, trying to check if they weren’t red or swollen already. “It wouldn’t look good.”

Frank was too turned on to point out that he cared too much about the appearance, he was sure he’d said it already, too. So he just shrugged and pulled down Gerard’s boxers to his knees in swift motion, where Gerard kicked them off on the floor and Frank licked his palm. Gerard caught on to his motives and watched as Frank’s fingers made their way across his chest to curl around his cock. Though he knew what to expect, he still let out a loud moan, bucking his hips into Frank’s fist. The sensation was wonderfully wet and cold as Frank's thin fingers, pumped Gerard's length slowly, sensually. Gerard was hovering over him, mouth open and face flushed, his arms were threatening to give out under his weight and from the pleasure. Frank watched Gerard’s eyelids flutter shut as he started to build up a faster rhythm, his fist curling tighter around Gerard’s dick. He ran his thumb over the head, gathering precome and smearing it over his palm to make it more slick. Gerard moaned loudly in response. He clearly had no reservations about being vocal and Frank agreed - his moans were hot, the kind of hot that made his dick twitch. He moved his other hand to massage Gerard's nipple, which made him whimper and thrust unsteadily into Frank's fist. Frank welcomed the change, because his wrist was starting to ache from the uncomfortable position. His hand moved from Gerard's nipple to the back of his head and pulled him down for a sloppy kiss. When Gerard pulled away to get some oxygen in his lungs, Frank shifted his hips so that Gerard was now sitting between his legs and sat up. He smiled slyly at Gerard and took his dick in his hand again, now that the angle was better he started working on building up a steady pace, jerking Gerard off hard and fast.Gerard’s head was thrown back and his mouth was open as he was panting for air. He hadn’t been touched by anyone besides himself in ages and the lightest touches from Frank were driving him crazy and he could feel his orgasm approaching embarrassingly fast. He started bucking his hips into Frank’s fist in time with his movements. Frank’s eyes were flicking between Gerard’s face and his cock, because he looked so hot in that moment, his eyes unfocused, slipping shut every few seconds and opening with great difficulty until his breath was coming out in short puffs between loud, needy moans and groans.

“Frank,” he managed to breathe out before it turned into a groan. Frank smiled wickedly at him, rubbing his thumb over the head of Gerard’s cock. “‘m gonna... uhhh.” Gerard saw Frank nod and he crashed their lips in a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss as he felt the familiar tightness in his stomach.

“Come on,” Frank groaned into Gerard’s mouth, sounding breathless even though it was Gerard who was being touched and quickening his pace even more. It was all Gerard could take and he came over Frank’s hand with a shriek.

“Oh God...” he breathed out. It was definitely the most intense orgasm he’d had in a few years, mostly because it was someone else doing it to him. Gerard opened his eyes, which he hadn’t even noticed he’d closed, to find Frank staring at him with a hand wrapped around his own dick. He licked his lip and watched, transfixed, Frank’s fist move up and down slowly.

“Are you gonna help me with that?” Frank asked when he saw that Gerard’s eyes were on his crotch. Gerard didn’t answer, but licked his palm and curled it around Frank’s cock. His other hand made its way to Frank’s chest to play with his nipples. Frank let his eyes slip shut and his hands flew to grip tightly at Gerard’s shoulders.

Lonely nights must have been a good time to practice handjobs, because Gerard was using things Frank had never experienced. He placed a wet kiss on the side of Frank’s wide open mouth and let his lips slide along his jaw and neck, covering them in kisses. Frank yelped in surprise as Gerard bit the side of his neck and sucked on it lightly, but it was enough to make Frank shudder and turn into liquid. Gerard’s hand was still working steadily on his length, dragging his nail over a vein, tightening his first around the head. The sensation caused Frank to wriggle in Gerard’s lap and he knew he wasn’t gonna last, especially when Gerard’s hand slid from his chest to his back and slowly traveled downwards. Gerard squeezed his ass cheek firmly and pressed his fingers between them, teasing Frank’s hole. Frank groaned and pushed back into Gerard’s fingers, he wanted them in him, but the sensation was enough to send sparks of pleasure to his dick and suddenly he was coming, moaning Gerard’s name.

“Ugh,” Frank sighed, letting go of Gerard’s shoulders and falling to the bed. “That was...” he managed to whisper, before groaning, because maybe it wasn’t his best orgasm in years, but Gerard was quite talented with his hand.

“Yeah,” Gerard agreed quietly. He was slowly coming down from his post-orgasmic high, noticing that Frank’s cum was smeared all over his hand and the white, drying substance on his stomach was probably his seed. He was really gross - sweat was drying on him, leaving his skin awfully sticky and his hair was damp. The room could probably use some fresh air too. Frank was still laying motionless beside him and he clearly had no intention of moving soon. He was completely exposed, but didn’t care, his eyelids drooping and he just wanted to rest for a while. Gerard wanted to just curl up on the sheets and maybe take a nap too, but a quick look to the watch was all he needed to feel awake again. It was nearing 23 and they weren’t ready. Once again Gerard glanced at his body and decided that the state he was in wasn’t appropriate to die in, so he quickly got up and made his way to the bathroom.

The bathroom was really big and it was designed in the same style as the room. Gerard would have taken more time appreciating it if it wasn’t for the fact that it was so late. Instead, he turned the shower on and hopped under the spray, not waiting for the water to adjust to an acceptable temperature. He quickly ran a tiny bar of hotel soap over his body, rubbing furiously and counting the seconds he was wasting in the shower. Then he rinsed and used a hotel shampoo to wash his hair. It definitely wasn’t the brand that he used - despite the hotel being really expensive, it didn’t provide suitable shampoo. Then again, it wasn’t as though Gerard was going to be really upset about it - there wouldn’t be a tomorrow for him to mourn over split ends or how dry his hair looked, so it was really no use. But, of course, he was too used to thinking like that to suddenly stop.

He rinsed his hair and stepped out on a fluffy rug and wrapped himself in a huge bath towel, looking at his reflection in a mirror. Yes, the shower definitely refreshed him. His face was no longer flushed and he felt nice in his skin. He tried not to look at the syringes lying on the sink, but he couldn’t help it - the fact that they were forbidden for him to use made him want to touch them, though the needles repulsed him greatly. Instead, he reached for a baggie filled with what he figured was heroin, but he wasn’t sure since he had never done it. It was weird to the touch, maybe because it didn’t feel like anything special.

Gerard had always thought that this moment would be more spectacular, that it’d feel extraordinary. He knew that the baggie probably had the potential to kill him, yet his brain couldn’t fully grasp it: what would it be like to be dead? The idea of not existing was actually terrifying and Gerard's mind couldn't imagine it. He was confined by his mind's limits and death was way beyond it. He thought he probably wouldn't notice that he was dead. He would just stop existing, no heaven, no hell. He wouldn't be able to look after anyone he used to know, because in the moment of death, his mind would disappear. Gerard caught himself gripping tightly to the sink, staring intently into his own eyes. He couldn't help but notice the depth in them, the way his irises were narrow, yet his eyes wide, excited with the thoughts racing through his mind. But he was just wasting time, so he blinked and shook his head. He still needed to pee; after death, muscles give way and he didn't want his perfect scene to be ruined by something as mundane as urine.

Gerard remembered that Frank needed to shower, too; he was all sticky and gross now. Surely that wasn't material for front page news. Gerard made his way out of the bathroom with a towel tied around his waist and saw that Frank was asleep. After he checked the time, he decided that waking Frank up was the only option. He'd taken fifteen minutes in the bathroom and even if Frank would be as fast as him, that'd give them only half an hour. Maybe there wasn't much to prepare, but better safe than sorry.

Gerard made his way to the bed, where Frank was laying motionless, looking completely peaceful, unaware of the rest of the world. He couldn't believe Frank could be charged with anything - his face was as innocent as a toddler's yet shone with maturity at the same time. Gerard didn't want to ruin the moment, but there were more important things to do, so he sighed and shook Frank's shoulder gently.

"Frank, wake up," he whispered. The man didn't even stir, so Gerard raised his voice. "Frank, come on, you have to take a shower." This time he succeeded in making Frank groan and roll over.

“I don’t wanna,” he moaned, dragging out his words. “Five more minutes,” he pleaded, opening his eyes slowly, looking at an unfamiliar figure. He forgot who the man standing beside him was for a second, but then it all came back to him and he sat up, alarmed. “What’s the time?” he asked with panic in his voice.

“It’s okay, we still have half an hour,” Gerard answered when Frank stumbled out of the bed, flailing his arms around and rushing to the bathroom. “But that doesn’t mean you have to take a bath!” he shouted and saw Frank nod just before he closed the door behind him. Gerard heard the water splattering against the bottom of the tub. His mouth upturned into an involuntary smile that he wiped off of his face as soon as he realized it. There clearly was no reason to smile.

Gerard rushed around, combing his hair with his fingers, struggling to find his clothes and disentangle them from Frank’s, then dress up. Everything in the room reminded him of Frank - Gerard wouldn’t have let the clothes be thrown so carelessly to the floor, he wouldn’t have made such a mess of the sheets on the bed, and again, this made him smile. Gerard didn’t know what was happening. He didn’t why he wasn’t angry with Frank for leaving everything in that state. It was a weird feeling and he didn’t like the way the man affected his usual behaviour. He didn’t want to believe that it was something changing about him. He thought maybe he was just getting a bit more emotional before his death, and becoming a bit more forgiving. Yeah, he could work with that. It wasn’t of Frank’s doing, no way.

When Gerard established that, his mood gradually improved, and he even started humming happily, though that was slightly due to his desperation to keep his mind off Frank and that wasn’t an easy task when he was making the bed, the memories fresh in his head. With one last look around to make sure that nothing was out of place, he sat down on the bed.

The shower stopped. It was ten to midnight, and the noise outside was increasing. Some fireworks were already blooming in the sky. It was so close to midnight, Gerard started to feel nervous. He wasn’t nervous to die, or so he told himself, but rather he was afraid of fucking up. He was so set on already doing it, ending it properly that he wouldn’t stand it if something went wrong. Gerard was aware that he could freak out the moment his skin came in contact with a needle, but he couldn’t afford it. He couldn’t let Frank down either; that would be unacceptable. Gerard could look like an asshole sometimes, but he wasn't like that. He got Frank into all this and he had to stay true to his word. He was sure he'd do it. If not, he'd ask Frank for help. Gerard was sure Frank wouldn't decline. He surely knew that Gerard really wanted to die and the only thing stopping him could be his irrational fear of needles. He tried to convince himself that now it didn't matter, because the needle would be the intermediate reason of his death anyway. And when you’re willing to die, what is a fucking needle in comparison? Yet Gerard knew that despite being aware of that, he might not be able to do it. He sighed heavily.

Frank emerged from the bathroom with a towel tied around his waist and wet hair. Gerard was watching as he hopped around in attempt to get dressed in his skinny jeans and a ratty t-shirt. Then he shook his head, sending the water from his hair to fly in every possible direction. Gerard flinched when one of the drops reached him, but he remained silent. He knew that he’d have to ask Frank if he’d help him in a second, but he felt quite ashamed. It was a different kind of embarrassment than getting naked in front of each other, though. It wasn’t something you could repeat when you get laughed at or disappointed with how it turned out. Death was final and Frank would be responsible for it if something went wrong. If the dosage was too low or if he didn’t force Gerard to take it. Gerard really needed that. He wanted to entrust his life to Frank, despite it being the biggest value he’d ever possessed. He smiled bitterly. If that was really the biggest value, then he was so cheap and worthless. That realisation didn't add up to his confidence and Gerard was beginning to feel anxious. He kept telling himself that he has nothing to lose, because he’d be dead in a matter of minutes, but some things weren’t easy to overcome even in situations like that. Maybe it’d be different if Gerard was at least excited about it, but he clearly wasn’t. He still wanted to die, of course, but that didn’t mean that it was an emotional choice, more like common sense. That was what he’d established before - he wanted to die just to put an end to this bore that was his life. Gerard didn’t have anything motivating him except for his common sense and stubbornness and even though they were really strong and he knew that he’d give in eventually, he didn’t have the courage to ask yet.

“Okay, so...” Frank broke the silence. He was fully dressed and was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Gerard looked up, raising his eyebrows. “Should I get everything we need now?” he asked. “How much time do we have left?”

Gerard checked the time on his mobile and gasped involuntarily, “It’s only seven minutes to midnight!” he exclaimed, shocked. Three minutes passed since he last checked the time, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t surprised at how fast it actually passed. “You should.”

Frank’s eyes widened at the answer and he ran into the bathroom, frantically collecting everything they needed. He came out a few seconds later and dumped the items on the bed.

“Oh fuck, fuck!” he exclaimed “I don't have a second lighter!"

“I have one,” Gerard replied calmly. “I smoke occasionally,” he explained after meeting Frank’s questioning gaze. He pulled it out of his jeans’ pocket, holding it up for the man to see.

“Okay,” Frank nodded. “I don’t wanna lower the dosage, so we’re gonna use more than what you need to die, just to be on the safe side,” he explained and handed Gerard two tea spoons, both covered in soot from frequent usage. “I don’t know if I should take more than you, I mean, I don’t think so, I already have other drugs in my blood, so that shouldn’t matter,” he mumbled, not waiting for Gerard’s answer, not that he had anything to add.

Frank opened a baggie, took one of the spoons, and dipped it into the white powder, coming back with a sizable pile. He handed it back to Gerard and repeated the action with the second spoon.

“Okay,” he said again. “Now we have to add water and then heat it, yeah.”

Frank stood up carefully and went to the bathroom with Gerard trailing behind him. He turned the tap on the sink just slightly, letting the water barely leak. He put his spoon under it, taking a few drops, waiting for Gerard to follow his lead. Once they were done, they returned to the bed. He took his lighter from where it was laying on the bed sheets and ignited it under the spoon, looking expectantly at Gerard, who reluctantly mirrored his actions. They were silent, concentrating on not spilling the contents of their spoons and to keep their lighters in place.

Gerard still thought that the whole situation looked as normal as it could get. It just didn’t feel real to him. But it wasn't normal, because they were about to commit a suicide. Gerard still couldn't get his head around it. It felt as if he was actually heating up a soup, not a drug that had the potential to kill him. Maybe it was because it was a spur of the moment decision. Maybe it was actually better, because he wasn't having any doubts... Not that he'd have them even if he could seriously think about it. His life sucked and he knew that much. He was thankful that it happened so fast that he didn’t even have time to think about how his family was going to react. They didn’t care for him much, but losing a family member is always a big thing. He didn’t even know if he cared for them, all he knew was that he was there with Frank now and they were about to do it. Anything else didn’t really matter.

Gerard looked up from his spoon at Frank, who was facing him, looking down thoughtfully . His posture radiated calmness and Gerard immediately felt relieved. Despite being set on doing that and not getting his head around it yet, he still felt quite nervous. He was so glad Frank wasn't, or at least didn't show it, because it helped Gerard to collect himself. It wasn't the time for nerves, really. He was doing it, end of the story.

"I think it's ready" Frank announced, interrupting Gerard's thoughts, nudging his calf with his toes.

*

"Okay..." Frank said; tightening a scrape of sheet around Gerard's arm and handing him one of the syringes. "Are you sure about it?" Frank looked Gerard in the eyes and found no hint of hesitation in them. He was determined to do it himself, too, so when Gerard nodded, he just nodded back.

"We're doing it," said Gerard, exposing the delicate skin of his inner elbow and slowly pressing the needle there, but not pushing in yet. He took a deep breath and looked up at Frank, who was watching him intently "If... If I don't..." he began. "If I can't do it, do it for me," Gerard said and got a nod in response. "We're really doing it, no matter what."

"I know." Frank looked him in the eye "And I know you're gonna do it, man," he encouraged, giving Gerard a small but genuine smile.

"Okay," Gerard said and concentrated on the task at hand again. The sight of the needle against his skin was making him feel sick, but he positioned it anyway, so that it was touching one of the veins visible there. He glanced at Frank one last time, before pushing the needle in. It was painful, but mainly uncomfortable. He could almost feel the cells in his body shift to make place for the intrusion. His breath was starting to get uneven and loud and then he felt a comforting hand land on his leg, squeezing.

“It’s okay,” Frank whispered. “Don’t push it in yet. Draw the plunger back a bit.”

Gerard cried out, he just couldn’t help it, but did as he was told, looking straight ahead, he couldn't stand watching it. He trusted Frank to tell him what to do.

“Okay, you’re doing well.” Frank rubbed his leg in what he thought was a comforting manner. “Now, slowly in,” he instructed, but Gerard didn’t listen. He pushed the plunger hard, just to get the damn thing away faster, driving it deeper into his body in the process. He hissed and pulled it out quickly, collapsing on the bed.

“Fuck,” he breathed out, feeling the liquid, which was slightly warmer than his blood, starting to spread through his body. He pressed his hand to the place where the needle was, almost surprised that he couldn’t feel a big, throbbing hole that was definitely there according to his mind.

Frank sighed in relief when Gerard pulled the syringe out of his body and saw that it was empty. He smiled as he pressed the needle into his body. The action was so familiar, yet there was a completely different result awaiting him. He pulled the plunger back a bit and then slowly pushed it all the way. He pulled out the syringe and untied a piece of sheet from above his elbow. He noticed that Gerard forgot to do it in the haste of getting away from the needle, so he crawled over to him and untied it. He figured Gerard wouldn’t want his suicide scene to be ruined by a torn bed sheet.

“So, now we wait,” he announced as they heard clapping coming from outside, followed by voices screaming ‘ten’.

“They’re counting down the seconds to midnight,” Gerard stated, although Frank knew.

Frank nodded anyway, but his mind was elsewhere. He was wondering what he would do if he was able to live. He couldn’t be happy, that was for sure. He’d probably get caught, too, because he wouldn’t be able to hide forever. He’d go to jail, devoid of any shred of hope. But was it really that bad? Why was the idea of prison scaring him so much? He actually had no idea and now that he thought about it, it’d actually be a good thing. Firstly, he’d get clean for good. Everyone from the drug environment would forget about him eventually, and maybe he’d even be able to figure out what he was supposed to do with his life. It’d actually be perfect for him now. Frank could feel a lump in his throat, nearly choking him from the sudden realisation. His eyes were welling up with tears of frustration. He couldn’t help but think that he could have prevented it. What if he could have talked Gerard out of this? Why hadn't he even tried to talk Gerard out of this? He was suddenly painfully aware that it could have ended differently. He could have gone to fucking jail, be a good boy, get out sooner. If he tried...Gerard could have been waiting for him. Hell, the money he used to pay for the hotel room could have been used to bail Frank out! He certainly still had the passion left in him, it was just buried deep down, but it was there. Frank was sure that he wouldn’t even bother with the suicide if not for some kind of passion - because you can find it in hate, too. Frank slapped his hands over his face, hard, because the thoughts were driving him insane. He wanted to cover the bitter tears that finally spilled out of his eyes, but he could do nothing to suppress the loud sob that escaped his mouth.

It all could have ended differently! All he had to do was wait a bit for the harder time to pass he would have even had someone to rely on. Gerard. His face flashed before Frank’s closed eyelids and he let out another heartbreaking sob. Gerard. The man who thought of himself as hopeless, the man who Frank... he noticed it for the first time and he dared to say, loved, despite the fact that they had known each other for one evening, despite Gerard fucking telling him that nobody ever wanted him and yet there Frank was, fucking ready to throw himself out of the window for the other man... that is if that even fucking mattered now, but it didn’t, because their wish was finally coming true and they were dying. Frank pried his eyes open and found Gerard staring at him intently, or at least so he thought, wished, because his vision was blurred.

“What’s wrong?” Gerard asked in a soft whisper that Frank found ridiculous.

How could he be so calm and collected when all Frank wanted was to scream and cry and fucking feel alive, for the last time? How dare he?! Frank didn’t know when or how it happened, but the next thing he saw was his fist colliding with the side of Gerard’s face. He stared at it dumbly for a second, felt the dull throb in his knuckles, but it was okay, he was still alive. It wouldn’t be long before he’d be dead, though, and he punched Gerard again, hard, so hard that he sent him crashing to the floor.

“What the fuck?!” Gerard yelled when Frank ungracefully crawled over him, still aiming small punches at him. Only then he noticed the fury boiling inside of him, but he just couldn’t raise his hand again, because he was aware that it was Gerard laying on the floor under him and he was fucking dying.

“Fuck you!” he cried out and cupped Gerard’s face with both of his hands. “We could have been so much more and now it’s all lost.” Frank felt fresh tears start streaming down his cheeks. “It’s too late now, fucking too late, and we’re gonna fucking die...” Frank leaned in so that their noses were touching. “DIE!” he screamed in Gerard’s face, watching with wicked satisfaction as his eyes widened.

“What...?” he asked weakly.

“Would you wait for me to get out of jail, Gerard?” Frank asked in between shivers that replaced the sobs. He could faintly hear the fireworks exploding outside, people screaming and celebrating. It was New Year already. What an irony. What should be the new beginning was the end of the two of them. It was the end for “them.” Gerard knew it, too, that he and Frank could have been something more. “Would you, Gerard?” Frank repeated and Gerard knew the answer to that, so he nodded.

Seeing Frank’s beautiful face like that, tear stained and desperate, was filling him with so much sorrow that he never thought he was capable of. Upon seeing it, he was becoming aware what death really meant. It meant the end of hope. He and Frank could have had something more. He could have waited for Frank to come out of jail, because he would have known that Frank was waiting for him, too, then he could have moved into his apartment. They could have lived together. Fuck, the rest of the world wouldn’t have even mattered, because Gerard would be happy then. It was a scary thought...He never thought that he could be happy, but suddenly he knew that Frank would have cared about him and that’s all that mattered. That meant something to HIM. He took Frank’s hands in his and pulled him down for a kiss. Their teeth clashed in a desperate attempt to get closer to each other, but it didn’t stop them, because the pain reminded them that they were still alive, that they were still together. Gerard’s face was now damp with a mixture of his tears as well as Frank’s. He pulled away from the kiss and Frank didn’t complain, because he knew there must have been a good reason behind it, now that every second was precious.

“Frank, I really... wish it was different,” Gerard said, his words rushed, because they were running out of time. His body was already starting to feel weird and he just wanted the moment to last, but he knew it wouldn’t. “Fuck, I just wish we weren’t so stupid not to realise it sooner, that there’s ALWAYS HOPE, but we were, fuck, if I could only turn back time, I so would, believe me, I would, Frank.” Gerard bit his lip hard, but that was just wasting time, so he continued speaking. “We’ve just met, but I feel so strongly about you, I don’t even know. Tell me you feel the same way, tell me you do,” Gerard pleaded and Frank nodded, but that was enough for Gerard. “Good, though I... I almost wish you didn’t, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard then. But you do Frank, that’s all that matters now...” Frank could hear that Gerard’s voice was getting weaker, ever so slightly. Death was already there, just behind the corner; Gerard was passing and there was no power that could bring him back, no matter how hard they tried. The whole evening had been about it happening no matter what. “I wish...” Gerard started again, but Frank was quick to cut him off.

“I know,” was all he said and Gerard accepted it with a nod.

He knew that Frank understood him, that there wasn’t much to be said now. It wouldn't matter in the next few minutes, maybe even less than that. They both understood and they wanted to live this moment to the fullest. They knew that it wouldn’t matter soon, no one would ever know what happened between them in that moment, but it still meant something to them. No one would ever know that at that moment, when they were trapped between life and death, that they realized that it’s always worth living for something, even if you don’t see the goal just yet, because it’s always there...somewhere. No matter what, it always gets better. It’s only the choices you make that can determine the way you’re gonna end and Gerard knew that he could have made different choices, but now it was too late. All he could do was watch Frank, the person he’d met by an accident, the person he loved, fade away before his very eyes, and he could feel himself fading away too...

“Fuck it,” Gerard said forcefully, or at least that’s what he was what he was aiming for, because his voice was so weak suddenly. “I don’t know how we could even accept the thought of suicide. We could...” he trailed off.

“I know,” Frank said once again, his eyes never leaving Gerard’s. He didn’t even have time to notice how nice they were and he wouldn’t have the time to appreciate it, never. “Still one thing that you don’t know yet...I think I love you” he confessed and before he knew it, he was being pulled down for a kiss.

“I loved you, too,” Gerard mumbled against his lips, stealing little pecks and then tasting Frank’s mouth for the last time. He was sure of it now; there was this weird feeling taking over his body and it felt peaceful and numbing, but it was killing him and he wanted to scream and kick, but he didn’t have the energy to and he could barely concentrate on kissing Frank...

Frank realized he was kissing a corpse.

He pulled away immediately, the body feeling so wrong under him, lacking something. He let it hit the floor. It wasn’t Gerard anymore. Frank couldn't move. He knew that it would happen eventually...But he just didn’t...Not just YET...He laid his head on the corpse’s chest and closed his eyes, waiting for death. He felt so small and helpless and yet he still wanted to live, no matter what. It was now that he realized it. He still wanted to live, but he was already dead. He took one of the body’s hands - it was still warm - and put it on the small of his back and intertwined his fingers with the fingers of the second hand. It wasn’t Gerard, but he was willing to take even that. Gerard was right, there always was hope and that should have been enough to carry on.